Slowly, time lost it's meaning. Reliving the same story over and over again. Everyone dreams of immortality. Gifted with an eternity to live (more like as infinite cycle of living and dying; living and dying). She dreams of dying...  

Even chocolate, something so sweet, delicious and heavenly just tastes like dirt. Maybe once it used to taste warm like the air in Summer but her cursed existence only let one thing give her life. Blood. Dripping crimson from her lips,  a stark contrast against her deathly pale skin. Its syrupy taste a bitter reminder of what she would never again have...  

Find a town, find a job, pretend to be normal, move on when people started questioning and repeat. Watch others overlook the luxuries she could never again enjoy because it was all gone. No happiness left in life; nothing more for her to hold onto. The memories of everything  she used to love remain only as ghostly echoes, taunting her over and over and over again. Never truly seeing but never forgetting. Sometimes she wishes could remember; other times she wishes she could permanently forget, move on... 

Now, she just wants to sleep. Wants to see the sun for a final time. Would she feel warmth for the first time in centuries? She looked forward to the pain, her first true feeling for a long time. Finally, her cycle would end and she could stop watching the endless cycle of life and death. You never realise how insignificant human lives are until you are tortured with seeing them begin and end over and over again but nothing changes! The world moves on! And the world won't even notice that the next time the sun rises, she too will disappear into the wind.  Finally finding relief in saying goodbye to the darkness... 

I'm afraid of writing

I mean...

My thoughts are hiding 

Not to stand up and fighting 

I'm afraid of writing 

Because my thoughts ARE fighting 

To make the darkside brighten 

And racing one another

To draw it on the screen

I mean...

This is just a little too much for me

And maybe too much for others to see

Though writing sets my soul free!

I don't like to fall down on my knee

When my thoughts drift and taking over me

But writing is not the problem 

In fact, it sets my soul free 

And who cares anyway

Was colorful my ink or gray

I'm just afraid of writing 

I feel so scared when my thoughts are fighting 

And every piece shatters to million pieces 

From Earth to Mars and loses in outer space

From love to knowledge to mysteries and science 

From worms in mud to sunshine in the sky 

And the dark place of emptiness and abyss.

Roses on your breast

dripping crimson tears of shame

thorns apologize.

* * * *

Prologue

The flame mark on my right wrist blazes as bright as a small star with crimson flames flickering up, reaching as high as my elbow. The inferno glows as my power stands beneath my skin, lingering under the surface; waiting to be free. Fear and excitement simultaneously dance around us as the once glorious wall of fire that protected Valacirca fades more and more; light and heat dissolving into dust. Endless energy being reduced to ash. Lifeless grey falls to the ground for a moment before being swept up; carried away by the wind. An unfamiliar chill settles around us, unwelcome in the land of fire; the crimson world.

My brother and sister stand beside me, their wrists lit up with similar power and a matching determination in our eyes as we prepare to defend our home. We stand together, the heirs of Valacirca and its people; its soldiers. Ready to fight the Army of dark souls that had once been trapped in the darkest depths of Eridanus. Ready for war, a concept that is unfamiliar to most in this peaceful world; we've all trained and fought in the training grounds but few of us have ever experienced real war. The last war -the war of the worlds- happened over 10,000 long years ago and peace has been regained since. Valacirca, Soronume, Hydrus, Orion and Eridanus are in glorious harmony and the Gods no longer fight. Instead, they have retired to Eridanus -the land of souls- to watch over all the people who have died heroes for their worlds. I myself have seen only small battles as well as the rare challenge to my title. However, those do not compare to the war that has already begun. To the blood and chaos that fate has cruelly promised.

We all believed that the gateways would protect us; that they would always remain closed to those wished harm on our worlds but we were foolish and naive. Even the strongest walls won't hold up against an army. Wrongly, we assumed the desolate, frozen land outside could sustain no one but the dead need no food or drink and feel no cold. So now here we stand, waiting for the war outside our walls to break them down with only the guardian of the gateway left as our last defense before they breach our shields.

I imagine what we all look like to the demons and phoenixes flying above us. White, yellow, amber and crimson; an army of fire with our wings spread out like shields behind us and eyes bright with power. Like a warning sign; a dangerous work of art.

Finally, I see the last of the flames disappear. Whispers rise and I draw my sword, hearing the harsh scraping of metal as others around me do the same. Slowly, the flaming strength that surrounds my right wrist embraces the silver sword, enveloping my weapon in the same scarlet fire. Violent screams destroy the quiet and I silently pray for the loss of our beloved guardian. May you rise from the ashes and let your light burn once more in Eridanus, Lexia.

In the last moments before the violent clash of swords and tragic cries of suffering, I pray to Apollo and Brigit. Please, let this battle end in light. With little death and little pain to those who remain faithful to you, our Gods. At the end, let Valacirca's flames ignite again. With that last thought, I shout the warning as I feel the taint of foreign power, dark and cold on our warm soil.

"Get ready! They arrive!"

You gave me an empty apology

As you covered my heart with dirt

"I'm so sorry I hurt you"

You have no idea; hurt?

All those nights of your idle chatter

From the truth my mind you wanted to divert

Realizing that your words were lies

You have no idea; hurt?

I was never included in your future

You wanted me on your outskirts

You said one thing but did another

You have no idea; hurt?

Emotionally I've been demolished

You've gone on with another flirt

My trust lies in ruins

That's the best you can say; hurt?

blurred ribbons

streaking around me

f a s t motion 

others

succeeding 

continually

their life colours

a twinkling rainbow

burnished things

and perfect lives

creating joyful fences

joy filled offenses

penning me in

and I stand

still

and still

I, stilted and

f a l l e n

I focus

on all that I shouldn’t

and none 

that I should

ears deaf

to proffered help

eyes blind

to gifts bestowed

back turned

black

to a bright future

all I see

in this glossy walled

prison of my 

failings

is the potential

to fail, and flail

flop or die

or

flop

and die

rainbows ringing

singing at

this thing

m y 

     l o w 

            e b b

and reflect

as I cannot

with light

refracted

my life

redacted

What If the door never locked?-

Or the windows never closed?-

Would we try and break free?-

Or would we be so content and comfortable with our prison that it becomes home?-

Are we even really free?-

Yes the doors aren't locked and the windows are open, but once we walk away from our cage what's to say our minds and memories are ever free?-

To be locked in could be of the mind as well as of the body-

We are taught to use our minds but no one teaches us what to do when our minds use us-

We become slaves to our feelings and thoughts that even the medication they shove down our throats can't free us-

We are to be dissected and picked at that all we have left to rely on IS is our mind-

We may believe the doors are unlocked and the windows are open but we are to forever be LOCKED IN.

Oh sickness, oh sickness-

Why do I try-

When I already know you won't ever die-

I feel you under my skin-

In my veins-

Creeping out of my pores-

I'm tired of you-

Or maybe I'm tired because of you-

Either way I wish you would go-

But sadly as clear as day you've made me your home-

Oh sickness, oh sickness-

Why do we play these games-

Even with you gone I will never be the same-

You'd just come back and bring me more pain-

Everything I taste is like sharp metal and blood-

You've even killed my tastebuds not just my mind and lungs-

This has gone too far my old friend-

My life is slowly wasting-

Oh sickness, oh sickness-

How long will I be catering you this time-

Feeding myself to you-

Killing pieces of me more and more every time-

They say medicine will work-

But not all the time-

So I'm stuck with you this time again-

Oh sickness, oh sickness-

Will the torture ever end-

They say to stay positive and you will win-

But I was never a positive person to begin-

Oh sickness, oh sickness-

It's like you're my very best friend-

You're always there-

And you know all my secrets-

You know how much I hate the medicine-

How stupid I think some of the doctors are-

How much I love the rain and wind-

But I'll keep fighting you-

Maybe one day I'll actually win-

Oh sickness, oh sickness-

Here we go again.

The drifter out at sea following the waves but never reaching land-

Is he really a drifter if he finds a home in his head?

This drifter is a man bound by self-

Locked away in a oblivious kind of hell-

He thinks he is free living in his make believe world-

But he is just a fly caught in the spiders web-

Permanently damaged by the one he can't help but love-

His thoughts and emotions are killing him eating slowly at his burning lungs-

He goes through life-

A mindless soul lost to woe-

Until he closes his eyes-

There he lies but a drifter-

Following the waves but never finding home.