No longer could Father Winter touch my bones

And numb the beats under my chest

As I trek my way home

My love bloomed for you in the delicious cold

and like the Christmas Rose, my soul erupted

into soft colors of crimson and gold

You became the light on the dark side of me

The Yang to my Yin

soft chaos wrapped in destiny

Gentle ice crystals kiss my lips

As I stare in between the falling snowflakes

Your bright blue eye’s suddenly eclipsed

By a time long forgotten and now remembered

Of a lifetime where our souls first loved

Under the midst of snow-covered embers

Tempus had broken our hearts each lifetime

Causing a fracture in the Universe

Desperate to heal every Christmastime

So, our souls would dance around each other under the hot July moon

Never colliding until the rustic colors of Autumn touch the earth

And with every Winter sun, this love would bloom.

tempus: means time in Latin

We did not believe winter would come so soon.

But, it did.

And so, we greet each morning with smiles and I love yous. No alarm clock needed as we leap out of bed to squeeze as much life from the day as we can.

In the bathroom, we do the silly grandma and grandpa dance we laughingly used to say we’d do at the weddings of our grandchildren...back when we expected the winter of our lives to coincide with advanced age.

Dressed for the season, we hold hands as we take our daily walk, eyes feasting on every nuance of nature that surrounds us: the animals that are born and appear to arrive to adulthood within a season; the trees whose bare branches flowered, bloomed, provided shade for a time then lost their leaves once again; the flowers that sprouted from what seemed barren earth and delighted our senses before withering away.

Every day, we walk, bike, run, making every effort to slow the progress of (to escape) winter. But, it continues to encroach upon us at a pace we cannot measure, over which we have no control.

I stand at the door or on the lawn or in the street, every time you leave our home, blowing kisses, shouting I love you, smiling so that’s what you remember when we are apart.

We pursue our professional passions, you, hoping to leave a piece of you behind for generations of strangers to remember, me, filling time until I am home, with you, again.

Sometimes our fear of winter blinds, chokes smothers and we flail about, seeking a door back to the fall we seem to have skipped entirely.

But there is no such door and life is a journey that only has one direction. Forward.

And so, we share meals, play cards or board games, then cuddle on the couch, watching sports, history, BBC America or the occasional comedy; we create new traditions like breakfast at a local pancake place every Saturday; we watch our son fall in love, and hope.

At the end of each day, you wrap yourself around me; legs and arms entwined, we are like puppies burrowing for warmth, connection. Your breath slows, along with your heart. I sigh as I close my eyes and drift, comforted by your nearness.

Winter is upon us, and so we love ever more deeply, live ever more fully, with greater awareness of each moment we are gifted, with, perhaps, a hint of desperation beneath the surface.

For there will be no spring at our winter’s end.

He was steadfast in his belief that winter could only bring empty promises and a hopeless yearning that life could be more than it really is. She had gone for a trip back to her family for the month as she did every year, but he could only think of the wet snow footprints she left that evening. That image seared into his mind in compensation for the lack of that fragrant perfume he woke up to every morning, Every year was harder then the next if only for the reason that she seemed more distant, more apprehensive of the purpose of their relationship. He felt that she continued this relationship for the sake of convenience that his job brought for both. He noticed the merry cheer of his humble neighbours, always thankful for the winter to come and beauty it always provided. He always failed to see the splendour of winter, seeing it as an oppressive afront to the less brutal and more dignified autumn. The death the autumn brought upon the world had the loveliness of its once green leaves. He felt that winter covered up the beautiful death that autumn brought and made the world dreary. He then remembered of the forest walks he had with his wife right after her trip with her family. That is how they always dealt with her long absence, he never seemed to remember all those times. Maybe because those times were always used to tackle the issues, they had with each other. It was never easy to resolve conflict when the cold sieged them at every side. When she came back this year, they did their annual forest trip. They saw the huddled masses that were the sparrows that sought familiar comfort in the warmth of their bodies against the piercing cold. Sleuthing fox could always be seen behind the mass of tree, tracking its next prey. They felt how humbled they could be basking under the stars never-ending lights. The iced river and sombre forest always provide them comfort that worldly goods could never provide, that of something ephemeral but at the same time eternal. Feeling that the forest and river might change over time, but would they always exist in one form or another for them, as a shelter from their worries. There they were, cowered over the midnight fire, hoping for a comet to fly by. She always reminding him the beauty they have here is the beauty their love brings to each other. He always wondered why he barely remembered these blissful nights, not remembering how these nights always leads to greater light when woken up by the morning’s sun.

Wait for me.

Snow entangles eyelashes. I hear her laugh as she falls into fresh powder. The sound reverberates through my mind like church bells on Christmas morning. Winter, unforgivingly beautiful as it forces itself through the trees, wind pushing and aligning the delicate veins of leaves with frost even more gentle. I feel her mitten-covered hand reach out to help me up, and the warmth of past mistakes streaks through the icy numbness and down my face. The echo of memories I wish I could live in forever, begin to fade. And I chased them, I promise Kate, I tried to hold on but I couldn’t keep up. I'm so, so sorry.

The snow begins to blur and glow, a white light approaches the empty purgatory I’ve been subjected to for what has felt like weeks. The subtle radiance begins to push against my eyelids as the ethereal light consumes me entirely.

Foreign hands intrude upon my skin and I hear machinery begin to accelerate, a hurricane of metal. “Off, Off!” I scream with hands over my ears, but they marvel at me as if I was a feral animal. My reemergence was an animalistic Second Coming; although it was less graceful entity, and more goof stumbling out of bed. They all finally quit the gawking and move around to turn off the overheating disaster behind me. I shake my head, fending off the ringing as they shuffle my disoriented self into a room with warm clothes and water. As I pull on the burnt orange sweater, flashes of my dream, or memories try to force their way to the front of my brain. I push them back, willing to deal with my guilt when I see Kate again.

Entering what looks like the main lab, everything seems...cleaner, I think, “So, that felt a lot longer than I was told going into this”

A brave soul who seems like he’s about to ask the devil for kindness questions,“How long do you think you were in there?”

“What do you mean, 'What do I think?' y'all are the scientists. It couldn’t have been more than a few days over the hill give or take.” I notice a lot of confused looks, but the stiff in front of me plasters on a smile, “Mr. Wright, you have led us to a new era of science, your country is forever thankful”

“Uh huh, while I appreciate the gas, could you give me a straight answer, chief?”

“Out of all the other cryogenic chamber experiments, your’s stands as statistically significant. Of course we'll have to take a few samples to check for any anomalous genetic markers in your DNA..." The bumbling idiot, 'Fynn' his name tag says, continues to ramble on as I’m about to snap my cap.

"Let me rephrase that for ya chief: Tell me how long I was in the chamber. " His eyes bulge out from his head as he jerkily steps back into the growing crowd. What a chicken. Not like I would have done anything. Nothing permanent at least. "Alright, someone please go get me Dr. Bryers, because at this point I've come to realize the head of CC52's intelligence rockets way past you lot," In the middle of my expulsion I see a brown skinned broad with a heart-shaped face split the sea of lab coats as she makes her way towards me.

"Hello Mr. Wright, I could-", my tension starts to fade, "Could you pop down to Louis' Place and get me a cup of joe, black, thanks doll" I put on my most charming smile with the energy I have left, but I can tell she's not impressed. "Well I can definitely get one of our interns to help you with that, but as I was saying I'm here to help you with any questions you might have regarding your re-emergence, seeing as I am now the head of CC52. You can call me Dr. Mallory"

The embarrassment burns up my neck, “Wait, seriously- that’s real progressive, uh, I bet you’re a great fit though?” I clear my throat and attempt to regain the conversation’s balance, “So, uh, what happened to Bryers? Kinda early for retirement” I laugh half-heartedly hoping to ease the returning tension in the room. Does not seem to be working. But I gather it’s not just what I said that has everyone on edge.

“Mr. Wright, Dr. Bryers did retire,” she takes a deep breath and the wounded-creature approach vanishes, “I took over for his son actually, the Dr. Bryers you’re thinking of, he passed away 17 years ago.”

I want to crack up at the funniest joke I’ve ever heard, but I feel the weight drop on me.

“17 years, it’s been 17 yea-,” My head snaps up. Whispers. So many secrets. The flurry of panic builds in my chest. I turn to her, probably looking like I belong in the looney bin, but this is the sanest I’ve felt since re-emerging. So close to the answer. “ What’s happened, I need the truth. Now.” Tentativeness arrives in her objective-stricken eyes, “You, you’ve been in there an unprecedented amount of time, there were bugs that needed fixing, but you’re fine it’s just,” her eyes close in a last hope to disappear, and for a brief moment I hold sympathy for this poor girl who didn’t ask to be thrown at the mercy of an uncaged loon-

“Sixty-seven years”

The lab goes quiet. Or maybe the noise rises. But all I can hear is that chamber. The wiring whirs mockingly, drowning out anything and everything I knew.

I don’t know what to say, even if I did I wouldn’t because all that would come out is regret.

And I’ve never been one for regret.

That’s why I walked out.

I didn’t look back to see her face.

I was wrong, and she knew it, but I wouldn’t-

I wouldn’t take back what I said.

“You’re hurting me James,” My attention snaps to Dr. Mallory, grip tight on her arm, I let go knowing her answer won’t change. I sit there, staring blankly at a wall where the paint runs over the dented moulding. I walk over and chip it off with my nail. Someone starts to speak, and it takes a bit for me to realize they’re my own words:

“While I was stationed in France, you know uh Paris and the like during The War, I remember a man, name just like yours, Mallory, old French geezer,” I notice only a few eyes left, this pathetic display doesn’t seem to draw in the yucks as much, “I don’t remember much of Normandy, when they rained us out, striking us like lightning to a tree, not helpless, just stuck. But old man Mallory, I couldn’t forget him if I tried. Found his leg before I saw the rest of him, splayed and splattered chest heaving with a man’s dying words. I wanted to help, but it was too late, so I did the only thing I could, listen: ‘mon nom de famille signifie "malchanceux", mais quel putain d'euphémisme.’This awful mix of his own gurgling blood and laughter came out of his corpse.” I let out a humorless laugh myself thinking about it now.

I finally look the Doctor in the eyes again, “He said his last name meant unfortunate. Quite a fucking understatement.” I know you shouldn’t shoot the messenger, but she seemed to be the only one who thought she could control this. Guess I’ll leave it up to her then. “You murdered me, drained my life with this undesired immortality. So now you are going to get me some money, and let me leave. I might come back. Maybe not. But I’m leaving now.”

“James-,”

“No. You don’t get to call me that. You’re not my friend. I don’t know you and I’m leaving.”

“Mr. Wright, please be careful, the world has changed.” I see what she's saying when two Franklins land in my hand. I turn and walk out the door. Just like that. I know they’ll come for me later, but for now I have something to do. I started running. Running with the speed of the young man I shouldn’t be. Down, and down and down the rabbit hole I go. Then I hit the last door with my full force, stumbling into the light. Gleaming giants tower over, defying more belief within me than my own pounding blood. The steely monsters are nothing in comparison to the streets’ weapons of clamorous intent. Souped up automobiles chase after one another as people have conversations on little black boxes. Both guys and gals are chrome-plated to the max. Suddenly, I’m gettin’ busted on both sides by people speeding past.

A rising vibration flies through my feet up and up my shoulders. A loud mechanical whirring starts up in the back of my head and I take off. I need to get as far away as possible. I need this ringing to stop. I see blurs of glittering shops on 5th slide into the welcoming drear of stacked apartments. Why does everything move so fast, no one knows when to slow down. No one talks to anyone but themselves. We traded our souls for inanimate love. Materialism soaks into our blood like lead. Poisoning us under the weight of artificial hope. I need my someone. Standing up hurriedly I buzz 137, “Kate, baby, It’s me, I know I’ve been gone, but I’m home, please I need to see you.”

“Hey, douchebag, Dr. Wright doesn’t live here anymore, she passed away a few years ago, everyone knows that."

"What? But I-"

"It was in the papers, ya know,” he waits for me to get it, but I stay silent, “the whole man-stuck-in-ice mess got revealed and some anti-science extremists... assassinated her at a press event. Look, she was a close friend of mine, and I'm done talking about this. Leave."

"I love Kate, I know you're lying, I know-"

"Get her name out of your desperate mouth and leave. Make me say it again and I'll call security.”

Why did I do this to her? I traded our life for an empty feeling of success. Desperation. My feet drag across the ground, across block after block of cement. Overhanging construction shades my face from the setting sun.

Sixty-Seven Years.

Eternal youth.

Statistically significant.

Forever thankful.

New era of science.

I feel the ice return as the night drags on, as if someone has come to punch a hole in my chest just to stroke my heart and tell me I’m fine.

It’s for the greater good.

Before I see where I am, I can smell the salt-soaked wood of the pier. The ocean sprays my face as I walk towards the water. Quiet. Rhythmic waves push softly against the sand. The moon reflects a deep luster rippling through silver emptiness. Winter is on its way out the door, only a futile marine breeze passes through me. Nothing has changed here. If I let myself drift I can still feel your brown eyes trace the lines of my face, and the constellations through city smog. Except you’re not here. I shouldn’t be here either. I’m supposed to keep smiling and breathing and living without you. I left you for the egotistical admiration they reflected into my eyes. I came back like I always do after a fight, but it was too late for us. I should’ve turned around and said I love you, I love you, I love you. I know you loved me. Even after The War you helped me find myself when my vision darkened. The tense rope of hate that connects me to the world never extended to you. I could always feel your fingers playing along mine, loosening the tendrils from my hands. No, I did this to myself, and I can only hope you found someone who treats you better. But no one could ever love you more than I.

Looking up at the darkening lilac of Space, I imagine you can see me just as clearly. For now, I’ll wait by your stars.

More....

Than what you could give

I was confused

By what was offered

I needed

To feel that I was worth something

I craved

The same things you were giving to someone else

I should have

Never expected anything more

I should have

Never let my mind run with it

I understand now

It was nothing more than what it was

I am aware

That I mean nothing more than someone who is passing through

I hope

You are content with the situation

I must

Just let things go

Accept

I never was

I am nothing

I never will be

More than a name

Words....

Words can hold so much power

To do good and to do bad

Speaking/Writing before thinking.....detrimental to everything

I waver between controlled messages ....and when sleep deprived and emotional

It turns to speak then think

Part of letting walls down is to feel things

All things....and try and express them when I can

Seeing something that triggered a spiral

I acted before thinking

It may have altered my world in a bad way

Me leaving here...has nothing to do with anything but my feelings

And.....my ego

Triggered....it snapped something inside me and splintered me into pieces

I have very little confidence when it comes to my sense of self

I feel very dispensable, replaceable....just another number

I don't know my worth or value, very few have taken the time to invest themselves in me

I lash out when upset, angry....hurt

I've done it before and repeated it this week

My head and heart hurts that I have

I know I need to work on it

I am hoping to find my peace again this week while away

I need to work on my actions vs words

I also need to learn how to deal with some dark feelings

I need to be able to handle things better....

I have to figure out how to protect my heart but at the same time keeping it open

So...I am leaving for a week, headed to a destination where I am forced to unplug

Where I will be alone with time to think

Time to change priorities in my world

Time to think about my future

As far as here.....I hope the time away makes me a bit stronger to come back

Figure out what I need to do to not have this happen again

A mastery of fuckery I am

If you give me an ounce, I'll hang myself

I can whip my brain into a frenzy

All with a few to little words

Silence is my enemy

It cuts me to my core

Makes me spin so far out of control it's scary

I will then react instead of act

Slinging words mercilessly

Attempting to show how hurt I am

In the process throwing a loop where none had been

Screwing with your head

Making you think the worst has happened

Because in my mind.....it has

Attempts to explain fall feebly from my lips

The decision may be made already

Or so I think/feel it has

Master of running

Master of pushing

Master of hiding

All things I've become more then accomplished at

Making myself disposable

Easily discarded

Not knowing my value

Then the fallout

More silence

And tears from me

Tears that fall silently

Knowing I have again managed to fuck things up

Ancestry, history, DNA

Where we come from, our roots, our past

We can't change those things

A man born on a farm in rural Saskatchewan 1916

The first born of what would be a family of 6

Strapping, tall, broad....even the girls

Worked hard, helped raise the last of the siblings as his mother died

Baseball was his chosen hobby

The army his chosen path

Set off to boot camp in Ontario

A chance meeting and he met my Grandmother

A lady born in Southern Ontario 1923

The first born, a family of 5

A father who was a jack off all trades including a postman and bee keeper

A mom who I got to know as a sweet woman full of love

Her brother brought home this man from boot camp

For family supper.....and a chance meeting

And the start of their story and mine

A double wedding in 1943 her and her brother

Married at the house they grew up in

One I got to spend a lot of time in

He was across the ocean, was a day after Juno Beach

Assisted with the liberation of Holland

Lucky that he chose the field of communications and was a radio commander

Fixed the Queen's record player

She, moved to the city

Worked in a rivet factory

Made bullets as well

Made the cover of Life Magazine, unable to be retrieved as she couldn't remember the date

Married once the war ended

Started their journey

Small town living

My father, first born

I grew up with Grandparents

She not a nurturer by nature

Guided me through Girl Guides

He....lol....no clue what to do with a girl

The most excited I saw him get was with my first car

The age I am now

They had a house and the cottage

Two sons

My grandfather didn't spend recklessly

He treated her to things such as a new door on the house

But then drove 17 hours back to the jewellery store in her home town to buy her a new ring for her birthday.....one that I now have

They spent 65 years together before he passed

I will never see that time with a person

I have yet to experience the devotion he had with someone

I will never create someone's story

I am grateful for being able to know them

Know where they came from

Know what they went through

It is part of my story

Inherently it forms the foundation of who I am

Happy Anniversary xoxoxo

These are her original set of Wedding Rings, they will be 75 this month

Please, walk away

Just forget about me

Forget about that

Don't toy with me anymore

Don't pretend something exists when it doesn't

I am not who you want

I am not the person you think I am

Be honest with yourself

Look within you

The times we don't talk

The times you ignore me

You'd rather keep me on a leash and toy with me

Giving me tidbits to grab onto that really don't matter

It's happened before

It will happen again

Just leave like everyone else has

I am used to it

Just walk away......I will be fine

*For now, these are just words, not for anyone in specific....I am ok, thank you for the hugs and love*