I know this is strange but my fear is not one that can be named. People have it but not in the way I do. Yes people are afraid of dead things or dying, yes people are afraid of bugs, but very few are afride of dead and or dying bugs. Luck me I am one of them. Dont get me wrong im not afraid of death, I work in a hosptial and see bodys on the daily. But even thinking about a dead bug espically a squished one makes me dizzy. I can handle live bugs just fine but as soon as they die and I see their guts I freak out and nothing can calm me down. It is very weird that no one can name this fear and instead call it a fear of bugs but trust me when I say its not a fear of bugs or death it is its own catergory.

Look at the mirror!

What do you see?

A perfectly happy woman

Smiling at me

Her skin is flawless

Her hair well kempt

Her clothes firmly ironed

To the very last dent

If you look closer

Beyond the mirrored mask

A very fragile woman

With a heart made of glass

Her skin flawed.

Her hair disheveled

A prisoner of her own past

Who dreams shriveled

She knows no joy

She feels no pain

Her lips painted with smiles

Wrapped in golden chains

Her mask serves well

To restrain her pain

Of unfulfilled desires

and dreams constrained.

In 2006 I was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo chemotherapy. My hair was the longest it's ever been in my entire life, and I knew I would lose it. I decided it would be best to just get it cut very short and then maybe shave it, once it started coming out. I went to a JC Penny’s hair salon in south Texas and requested a hair-cut. When the gentleman asked me what I would like, I had a picture to show him, but I knew that I wouldn’t really like it because I didn’t want to cut my hair. So, I told him that I probably wouldn’t like it and that I was only getting my hair cut because I would be starting chemotherapy and it would come out. He was so kind to me and said that he never took walk-in clients, but just decided to do so today and that he had a wig he would give me if I could come back tomorrow to get it. True to his word, he gave me a very nice red wig (I’ve always wanted red hair). I didn’t know it at the time, but after buying several other wigs myself, I realized he had given me a very expensive wig. The kindness of this total stranger still warms my heart when I think about it many years later.

Every day, someone writes about love, talks about love, angry about love, even frightened of love. Love is a concept of entwining emotions we can neither physically see, hear, taste, touch, or smell, but it sure does know how to heighten a person’s senses and awareness when with someone they are attracted to.

When I was thinking about this, I remembered something I wrote a long time back. I dug around my stacks of papers and finally unearthed it.

I am no road scholar when it comes to love but over the years I have come to understand what you will read are only a few of the many principles love holds.

Consider this what you will. Conception. Perception. Perspective.

Enjoy.

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What Is Love

Defining love, and its concept isn’t as easy as it sounds. Love is, has, and always will be the one word in the English language (or any language), that is defined by adjectives and adverbs laid onto paper, and words which roll off the tongue.

For countless centuries, “Love” has been a prime force of every novel written, be it romance, gothic, westerns, horror, drama, mystery, adventure, and comedy. Love has told the story of some of the greatest love relationships throughout history. From Adam and Eve to Jesus Christ. Cleopatra and Antony, to Romeo and Juliet.

But, in using words to describe love with such words as: beautiful, dear, darling, sweetheart, and of course, I love you. It isn’t the telling that defines love, rather more the showing; the expression of that love which becomes the main focus or central ingredient.

You can say, “I love you,” twenty-four hours a day, and it wouldn’t mean a thing if you cannot express yourself—and the ways are many.

A simple hug or smile, holding a hand, giving a card for no other reason than you care (and it shows what he/she means to you in doing so), sending/giving flowers, planning a getaway for a few days, sharing responsibilities, such as cleaning or painting a room or working on all that “stuff” in the attic. For men: cook for her for a change of pace, and don’t forget to put the toilet-seat down (and for as funny as that may seem, it isn’t funny to her), and put the cap back on the toothpaste when finished. In the long run, all it is doing is showing simple respect when due, in the form of love.

Being able to see your partner’s abilities and talents as a person is vital as it is important. Notice the little, as well as the bigger things during the course of the day. Ignorance may be bliss but being ignorant means too much is being missed. Again, respect what is done, how it was done, is another sign of love. It shows how much you value your partner, even when away from him/her.

Another way and this is important; is communication. Listen to what is being said, as well as what is not being said. Listen to problems or ideas. By hearing, listening, and not pretending; take a real interest in thoughts expressed, allows you to be even closer.

Yet, the reverse holds true as well. You can communicate without words. There is that certain look in the eye, or that curving smile. The way hands are held and fingers interlock. The playing around to have each other laugh, to stroking a cheek, to a simple short kiss. All of these things are a form of love … better known as understanding.

When deeply troubled by sadness, scared, confused, your partner or you, should be there to share the burden and help ease the pain and sadness, and perhaps even fear. There will always be times when the weight of any pain will be too heavy for one person to carry alone. That weight should be, has to be, carried by two people. This is love. This is also known as being a friend when a friend is needed most.

Physically, making love is perhaps one of the least forms to express love. No two people can make love around the clock the rest of their lives and survive on that love. Of course making love is the closest two people can be to express love, but it’s really a small slice of the pie in the relationship when you look at love on a larger scale.

And yet, making love is an internal act of expression. The art or act of love, must or should be pleasurable. That feeling where making love should feel never-ending (though it will and does) and go beyond forever. Both you and your partner should shudder with the most intense, satisfied feeling ever experienced. Complete fulfillment.

With fulfillment as with other things considered, we have to come back to the important issues: laughter, and communication. Laughter, because lovemaking should be fun as well as passionate (and not like a job you dread). Communication is a given, but when the conversation becomes one-sided, that is where love begins to fade as does the sun to darkness, or the moon to morning light. As with everything mentioned, tenderness needs, privately demands to be felt. Holding, touching one another as if to say, “I care deeply and will never let go.”

In a sense, love is like a general giving orders to his men. Each man plays an important part in what has to be done, otherwise, there is only failure. So goes the way of love.

Emotion, understanding, respect, trust, honor, truth, passion, communication, humor, thoughts, and friendship are a direct path leading to love.

Three aspects round this out. The heart holding all the feelings of expression, and the mind for realizing what is truly wanted. As long as you keep your mind straight and your heart true, there will always be love.

Were you to go blind, you can still see the person you love because you have your mind. If you could no longer speak, you can still feel the love because of the emotions you carry in your heart.

The third aspect to consider, is sacrifice.

If, or when you do fall out of love, don’t stand in the way of that person’s happiness. To do so, would put your own future happiness out of sight. Bitterness and hate chews away at a human soul and clouds thoughts. Hate is like a cancer. So is fear. They too can eat away at the very person you are until both physically and emotionally you destroy yourself. With love, comes pain, but the pain becomes a lesson learned.

But cast away hate, fear and pain. In or out of love, because of all that was shared, you should remain a friend when needed most.

This is the part that is hard to understand. Betrayal. Even when you have been cheated and lied to, once the love is over, if nothing else, erase the hate. The pain will take time to heal the inner you. But remove the hate, and possibly, over time, you could be simply a friend once more. Hard for many to do, but it is doable.

Call it human nature, but you do have feelings like everyone else. You breathe, bleed red, laugh and cry like anyone else. You need to be loved every bit as much as the next person.

If it is so wrong to feel this way and you already do, then I say, don’t change. If you have never felt this way, perhaps your need for a change starts now. Love is also accepting change.

Know what is important. The choice is yours alone to make.

Love is about making choices.

6/14/1995

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(The first two lines of the poem in the picture, you cannot see)

I am not always right

I am not always here

Okay, so my embarrassing story was back in the 4th grade. So there was this new kid and I had a huge crush on him. Just to let you know, we were in completely different classes so we hadn’t said a thing to eachother. But clueless, tiny, little baby AllAlone thought it was true love. Deep Sigh Number 1.

So, November rolls around and the elementary school decided to make turkey grams for the kids to give to eachother. That morning my mom sent me and my siblings with money to buy the grams and send them to our friends. Mini me decided that it would be a good idea to send a gram to this boy as a secret admirer present. Deep Sigh Number 2.

I then walked down to the library (where they were selling the grams) during post lunch recess. I walked through all the steps until I got to the write in stage. I wrote Braeden in the ‘to’ spot and left the ‘from’ spot blank. To me it looked pretty blank, so I drew a few hearts because, true love! I went down to his classroom and placed the candy in his desk and out to recess I went. Deep Sigh Number 3.

Well my best friend had this boyfriend who hates me. Also, we were in the fourth grade so boyfriends were totally logical right? So the boyfriend threatened her that he would break up with her if she didn’t tell him who I have my gram to. she then proceeded to tell me, “Oh, (insert my real name) it was an accident!” So the boyfriend then told Braeden that I gave him the gram and then all the popular girls hate me, I was made fun of by the guys and that best friend I don’t tell secrets to anymore. Final Deep Sigh.

Guess what though? Jokes on them, me and Braeden are really good friends, and hang out a lot. So that’s my most embarrassing story!

I got most of my education from what people like to call an "alternative school", which basically just translates to "school with no rules". We had 1 hallway, 60 students, and 4 teachers who we all called by their first names. We would often host community lunches, during which all 60 of us would squeeze into a single classroom and eat food that we had made.

During one of these lunches I was sitting with my girlfriend at a table that we had managed to snag from the crowd. We were talking, flirting, eating off each other's plates - just being real gross in general. There was a cup of water on the table and, assuming that it was my girlfriend's, I took a sip. I figured there wouldn't be a problem with that.

There was a problem with it.

As I took a few more sips from the cup, I noticed one of my teachers staring me down from the serving table. I caught her eye, confused as to why she was giving me such a dirty look, and lifted the cup to my lips once again.

This went on for a while, the teacher staring at me as I drunk self consciously. Neither of us broke eye contact. I figured it was the natural progression of our stare down when she began to walk towards me.

She was a small woman, but looming over me she seemed much bigger than possible. I placed the cup back on the table and craned my head up to see her properly.

After taking a few moments to assert her dominance, my teacher bellowed out the scariest words I have heard in my life:

"Why are you drinking from my mug?"

It's no surprise to me that my girlfriend broke up with me soon after that incident.

consume me, my love

let me satisfy that hunger

meet my touch

scream out that need

I am the echo

of your filtered heart,

I am the short breath

lingering under a whisper

I am a raced pulse

I am a desire

I am you

Do you see those ties?

The thick rope, binding me down?

I can hardly move because of you

so still in my desperation

tied down by you

But did you know, did I ever tell you this?

I like to be held captive

by your touch,

I like to be smoldered by that love,

my friends tell me to walk away

but they don't know, the way I do

they don't even have a clue

how good you are

what's the use of freedom

if I can't have you near

I don't like the numbness

that comes from your absence

look at me, there is no joy

from me without you

Can you hear yourself, when I am not right beside you?

Feels like nothing, doesn't it?

I know, I feel the same

Why is it, that I don't exist without you

and you perish when I am no more?

What do I do,

when there is no you in the air that I breathe?

Why do we perish without one another?

Why is there no more music left?

Why can't I hear the tunes?

I am tied down by you

but dear, I see the same ropes on you

Sometimes

I hide behind

Transparent things

Because I want to be seen

But I’m afraid

To expose that

Desire.