What I wish I felt:

I walk into rooms, warrior, as if I know they will collapse when I leave.

As if they know this is one they cannot collapse on.

I look at my place in the world and see how I give to the greater good.

I wonder who is worthy to walk with me on my journey through life.

I know I am worthy of good things, good people, love.

And in my dreams the world greets me and shows all of the splendor there is:

a girl with big eyes and a hopeful heart.

What I actually feel right now:

I walk into rooms as if no trace of me will be there once I leave.

As if the walls will shrink towards this girl who doesn’t know she shines.

I look at my place in the world and only see what I take from its goodness.

I wonder if I will ever be worthy of someone to walk with me on my journey through life.

I know that I wonder whether I am capable of good things, of good people, of love.

And in my dreams there is a found love for myself that only sometimes comes to visit.

The Hero's Newfound Steed

The hero rescues a captive dragon.

Love Conquers All

Two princesses unite their warring kingdoms.

Midnight on the Balcony

Two princes find love under moonlight.

The desolate chill numbed my soul

A winter like no other pressed me to the edge

Recoiling in horror at the heart I once knew

A stranger lived in my head

Someone I never knew existed

Pushing me closer and closer to the jagged, icy crevice

Silently stepping off solid ground into the void

Broken wings flailing at the laughing air

As I tumbled through the emptiness

Swallowing me up

with unthought words

I would have cut my heart out

And traded it for a bit of peace

Barely clinging to myself

Fears, delights, anxious nights

Scratching at the door of my mind

Begging for entrance as I pushed back

Against the frigid winds

That threatened the life I loved

Spring breezes have melted the icicles that gripped me

Softly sweeping away the gray snow that blinded me

Bringing me home to myself

Letting me breathe again

Letting me feel again

Buds on the trees remind me

I survived

I made it though

The Winter of unbearable discontent

In the church that I left behind in my youth, St. Francis De Sales, there was a new mode called the Open Confessional.

The Repentant sits face-to-face with the Pastor and professes all Sins;

and Eye-to-eye receives Penance.

In this Spirit I will write my Vice and those of the Opposition:

I tell the Truth,

but not the whole of it... my sin is of Omission.

And You...

embellish and encode what Lies between.

I pretend to see what's Underneath.

You try to read from what is Given.

It's a warm and fuzzy screen of feeling,

embracing all our Hail Mary's...

And given Acts of Contrition...

10 Million Words and still asking with Resistance.

Truth:

. . . did I miss You . . ?

. .

. .

. .

. .

. .

. .

. . . . . . . . .

We were close once

I know you don't remember

I changed my name

You blocked me

For what reason, I don't know, but I assume it's my potty mouth and the way I won't just hearken to your words of wisdom

There are many wise here

The wisest of whom say nothing to things when they disagree

Those who think themselves superior often say they have something to offer

You unblocked me suddenly

I'm not sure why

But now I'm thinking it was only so that you could freely criticize

Criticize away

I'm no longer swayed by the likes of you

I will rhyme

I will play my music loudly as you drive along side me

And I will sing out of tune at the top of my lungs while making eye contact with you at the red light

Woe is you

You have to live with people like me

Who will let you spew your poison and not be affected because we've spent our lives injecting ourselves with snake poison

What a sad existence to expect your bite to change anything only to find me filled with your bites and completely unaffected

Your criticism doesn't bother me like it used to

Now, I only pity you

Because you give yourself more importance in my life than I ever will and that must hurt

Hello

Here i am, she said.

Here i am,

Here i am.

The things i want

are not the things

i get.

But there is no thought of

want

I can complete

so there is nothing

for me

(there has been everything for me)

The want i once had

is now a void.

I wanted feelings

and lives

to blend with my own.

But I cannot touch

what is invisible

to me now.

The lives that went

somewhere

i cannot reach

cannot feel

cannot sense.

I turn and

turn

try to see

where no sight

exists,

in a darkness that

renders me blind,

a mystery that makes

no sense.

Maybe our Souls

continue to exist,

and you are here right

next to me

but I am just

unable to see

the bliss.

And so I hurt and sink

and struggle,

drowning in my ignorance.

All this I do not know,

cannot know ,

this is what must be

Hell.

The absence of knowledge

the frustration of no hope

a helpless denial

no more roads to seek

the ends of,

No conclusions to be had.

Just the struggle that always there

as I try to have belief

in this Life

which has been granted to me.

All my life I've been plagued by indecision.

I want what I want.

my heart throws a tantrum

The demons dance

The angels cry

Halfway to the want, I pause

Think it over

Think it over

Don't make a mistake

You're already over your quota

Backing up, into myself

I change

everything changes

it's out of my control

The brain snaps out of its fog

I know what's right

Like a timid turtle

I pull back inside my shell

close the door

turn the lock

Whew, safe for now

Demons, go back to hell

where you came from

Take your tricks with you

Last night I dreamt of doors once again. Finding myself in a stranger's home I panicked at every footfall that did not belong to me. There had to be a door to the outside somewhere in this house.

Frustrated after trying the first three doors, which all looked promising before I opened them and found they just led me to more rooms. The windows lied to me. They were not to be trusted. There was no sunshine and garden out there. It was a trick.

All the outside doors were locked to me. Others were going in and out with ease. I did not have the right key. Every door to the outside world was closed to me. I was suffocating. There was not enough air in this home. The muddy air was sucking me into it and my footsteps to escape were sluggish and draining as I crawled from the house to the shop, without ever breathing outside air.

Asking the shopkeeper if they had any doors to the outside that worked she told me the doors only worked when I was awake. She was sorry but I would have to return in the daytime when the doors would be unlocked. I pleaded with her to just open one for me or I'd die. She smiled sadly and pocketed the silver key before she vanished.

There was a city within those walls but I could never leave. Not while I was asleep. I could buy anything I wanted, dine in the finest restaurants and even light a candle in the church. As long as I was asleep there would never be a sweet escape to see the mountains and the river I could see from behind the foggy windows.

Every night. Every night. Doors and more doors kept me trapped. I even tried being awake while I slept to see if the doors would let me go. They were not fooled. The shopkeeper had warned them in the dusky change from day to night. "Don't let that one get away." Here I will stay, inside the secret place filled with locked doors until I figure out the riddle of dreaming wakefulness.

I codemn myself

thinking I am a pain

fleeting thoughts perforate my mind,

increasing the chances you will see,

something i feel nothing for,

it was like that piece was empty,

with nothing to show but the same hollowed out lines,

I hate myself each time I am reminded,

of these times, maybe something else comes from it,

I am that attention whore that we all feared,

always grasping at straws

but i always have to get out of my head,

I imagine this being said,

out loud, that's when I feel at my best,

I feel the heart, emotion, with every line i read,

reminded how those dark places are better,

with a light so you can at least read some stories,

taking us away into some imagined land

glimpse through to another's mind,

forgetting how I over analysis,

everything!