There's the clasic compliment "She makes it look easy!" You know, as well as I, that it wasn't easy. It took months and probably years of training to get to that point—plus, the fact that the skill was demonstrated in just the right circumstance. He dunked the basketball, but only because of the steal and fast break; he nailed the magic trick, but only because the audience was drunk. Preparation and luck, my friends! You'll need both to pull out an enemy's heart and eat it.

First: finger strength. Start by tearing sheets of printer paper—try for 2 or 3 sheets a day. Then, remove the seed of an avacado by digging into it. Your fingers will tire quickly, but here's a pro tip: Eating the resultant chunks of creamy avacado provides comparable protein to consuming a still-beating heart. (Just be sure to sprinkle a bit of flaky sea salt on the avacado. You'll use table salt on the heart, eventually). After disposing of the skin and "nut," test your finger strength by tearing the heart out of an older, slow-moving deer. This is great practice for the real-world application of the skill, but requires a bit of prep work, as you'll have to set up a deer-hunting stand in the fall, purchase camouflage hats, smother yourself in deer urine, and follow the deer around until it nearly dies of old age—usually, after ten or so years. Yowza! Just remember: Michelangelo worked 19 hours a day on the Sistene Chapel!

With your digits powerful enough to perform the task, now it's time to practice. This is where so many wannabe Mortal Kombat characters go straight for the intended target, bungle the move, and leave the office Christmas party in embarassment and shame. Be patient! You'll need some test subjects, so assemble, via online catfishing schemes, about 20 or so archeologists with fieldwork near ancient, largely unexplored Aztec temples. Agree to meet them on top of recently unearthed sacrificial sites, and get to work! Space your practice "rips" out over several years, so as not to attract too much attention. Remember, failure is the greatest teacher, so don't get discouraged if after the first schlorp! from a vacant chest cavity, you hold up...a still-beating spleen! Whoops!

So now you've got fingers of steel and enough "lab hours" for an honorary Mortuary Science degree. The Accounts Payable quarterly meeting is Thursday, and when Bill asked if you'd like to start with an icebreaker, you smirked and said, "I think I-orta wrap up the meeting," to which he responded, "You're such a goddamn weirdo." So it's on. But you've read this far, and we've got to level with ya—it's not like the movies. Because in the movies, Bill drops the stack of sales graphs in front of you, says "You like balancing accounts? Well, balance your heart out, buddy," and you say, "Actually, it's your heart!" and you do the damn thing!

Insider tip: To get it right, you've got to coax the heart out a bit first. Choose a heart-healthy food. It should be one that matches Bill's shirt; luckily, cruciferous vegetables come in all kinds of colors, so if he's a green-shirt-on-St.-Patty's-Day kind of guy, pick broccoli. Take a coat hanger, pry it apart, and spear the broccoli on the end of it. As the meeting wears on and people start to play on their phones, maneuver the broccoli in front of Bill's chest. Ideally, you'll be holding the hanger under the table for maximum stealth. With a little luck, the vitamin-starved organ will attempt to pop out from between the ribs. At this moment, you'll strike! (Hey, we know that in Indiana Jones, the dude just reached in and grabbed it—but you know that's not real, like when the movie hacker sits in front of scrolling lines of green code against a black background, and she types on a couple keys and announces that "she's in the mainframe." Whatever. In real life, you've gotta plan, and planning here means dangling a piece of broccoli in front of a heart so that it pops out a bit, and then—voila!)

So, with just a bit of effort and luck, you too can master this little party trick! Like popping a wheelie or juggling knives, it's sure to elicit gasps of jealousy—because, as they'll all say with a smile, you make it look so easy!

Go West young man, until you float fast on the sea

And when you find a pirate, give him a hug for me

Tell him you’ve got an idea and need lots of gold

And to take you to Zambia where secrets unfold

Ask for Shaka Hulu, King of the Chicken Folk

Because you’ll need silver feathers and blue yolk

To build a pair of wings to fly to Mount Smoke

And use the invisible axe to fell the Great Oak

With the wood, make the perfect boat and set sail

To seek out the laughing maidens in their holy vale