I am certain of nothing, but somehow everything I know has changed. It has shifted. Life has a way of doing that sometimes. Of sneaking up on you and showing you that you can never know what’s to come. It’s really quite beautiful. The way the world is magnetic. The way it finds a way to reach inside you, pulling and tugging at your deepest desires. Somehow I’ve landed here, where I feel safe and whole. It is foreign land for me, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t completely terrify me. But the fear is good. The fear is right somehow. My life has shown me that. It has shown me how to trust the uncertainty. It has shown me how to praise the mystery. I feel good. I feel complete. I feel like my feet are on solid ground. Tomorrow might be different.. but I’m okay with that.

To truly know intimacy

To truly know affection

To know need

To know desire

To know concern

To know regard

Fearful yet fearless

Brave yet foolish

I know this is delicate

But I have never felt so certain

Of this fact

This fact…

That I am yours

Once upon a time

You were right here by my side

We chain smoked our cigarettes

On this very bench

Rocking back and forth

To the rhythm of our passion

Sometimes fast

Sometimes slow

So many days I waited for you here

To come down and join me

To come down and acknowledge me

Some days you joined

Put your hand tightly in mine

Other days you were too far away

Avoiding the nearness of me

But this was the place

Where our bodies first collided

Up the stairs to the left

Where we once slept each night

Side by side interlaced

Those nights I felt the safest

When we laughed under the sheets

When we were as close as can be

When things were so right

I’ve sat here with you so many times

In silence and in small talk

In arguments and in heavy laughter

We walked up and down these streets

And always returned to this very place

You’d work on your motorcycle in the driveway

While I made my hands sore scribbling in journals

Nonsense about how much I loved you

About how even when I had you, I somehow always needed more of you.

It’s nice to be in this place

That once was filled with you and me

Even though you’re further away then I could ever reach you

Even though you’ve been gone for some time

I still sit here sometimes and I smile

Because I think of what used to be

Because I think of the times with you and me

Sitting in this very spot

Together

Forever.

I'm okay with not always being beautiful

It took me years to reach a place where I feel comfortable knowing not everyone sees something worthy in me. I no longer feel defined by the desire that others do or do not feel for me. I don't know exactly when it changed but it did. I changed. And I am better because of it. The majority of my years I have spent starving for certain attention because without it I felt myself fade into nothing. I felt every flaw from head to toe magnified to the point that it consumed me - every inch of me, of my identity, of my worth, of my being. Maybe being alive long enough and having lived through so much has finally allowed me to settle into myself. For better or worse, this is who I am. I've spent enough time inside these lines to know there is a certain goodness within me. Within my truest heart and truest soul. A uniqueness that is made up of my courage to love unconditionally no matter who or what the circumstances may be. With it, I have learned to trust myself - even when I do not trust others. I have learned to love the person that I am. I have come to accept myself as a whole rather then accepting only the parts of me that others seemed to like. I am truly beautiful.. because I am kind. Because I am deeply caring. Because I am passionately loving. Because I am capable of forgiving. I am truly beautiful.. because I feel so entirely. Because I trust so overwhelmingly. Because I believe so undoubtedly. I am no longer paralyized by the way it feels to not be seen. To not be needed or wanted. To not be noticed. Instead I am comforted by the way it feels to be true. True to myself and the person that I am. The woman that I am becomming. The human being that I will always be.

I met myself beneath the weight of those I loved before.

I never knew what it would take to understand.

To willingly choose myself over you.

Over all of you.

It was a dangerous path that led me here.

One I am effortlessly grateful for.

For I have survived a thousand deaths.

For I have finally made it out alive.

All that is left is who I am.

A force that has set me free.

And I can’t help but wonder where it is that I went wrong. I learned long ago that it is dangerous to let your mind travel the journey back to the past. Still, I think it’s a part of human nature. I think it’s unavoidable that we use the past to try and understand ourselves. The how’s and why’s of why we are the way we are. We go digging up our memories like bones that were buried in the back yard years ago. We try and dust them off, and then use them to connect the dots. To assemble the puzzle that looks so confusing until we find the missing pieces, and put it all together. But for some of us, there are pieces that cannot be retrieved. There are things that we did, or that we endured that cannot be remembered. And perhaps that is our own unconscious form of self preservation. Perhaps some things are better lost then they are found. And rather then digging up all of those things that were laid to rest, we must learn to accept it. We must learn to let go of the things we cannot get back to, and of the things that we cannot get back. Maybe then the past won’t have such a say in who we are. Maybe we will be able to define ourselves only with who we are right now. Right here. In this present moment. Maybe, just maybe... we will even be set free.

A mother of the night

Alive in a fluid sea of black

Her heart stirs beyond her surface

If you catch glimpse between the cracks

Her beauty is unhindered

And her spirit, unparalleled

A fury stirs within her

Always leaving me compelled

Her edges are bluntly sharpened

But somewhere deep beyond her pain

There is a world of her emotion

Where fierce passion bares untamed

And though her lands remain guarded

I have ventured beyond despite

So I am blessed to know her

The mother of the night

Momentary bliss.

This is what I sold my soul for. They say that those who run are afraid. But I feel there's more to the story. At least there is to mine. Most people don't care to know that part though. It was never all that easy for me. There's been so much time where I was lost in the thought of why my blessings, and the good things I had couldn't save me. I know that for most people, they feel when they're young that the whole world is ahead of them. They need not worry about the end when they perceive it to be so far away. I've never really felt that way. I think that the way I have lived my life has shifted that perception for me. Taking all those precious years and running them recklessly into the ground. The danger was always an equation capable of ending in death, or at the very least in indefinite suffering. There was never a forever ahead of me that I strived to succeed in. Not in the sense that most people can live by. I lived off my momentary bliss. I lived off the rush that life gave me so immensely. I know that it was careless, and reckless, and selfish. I know that I have given up many things of which I should have had that I will never have. I know that my chances were slim when divided by the past, and the future. I am weary in this part of my life, and that's a shame. I am weary that it's getting to be too late. That I may be running out of time if I remain incapable of change. I dont know how to handle it either. I dont know if I could handle missing out on growing up, and growing old. I don't know if I could handle not living up to my potential, or better yet even coming close enough to it to know it was ever even real.

Yes. Momentary bliss has me by the heart. And the moments in between will be the death of me.

Life has to be more than this.