I hate myself

I’m the biggest waste of breathe to ever be about

I’ve ruined myself with exposing all my insides out

“I’m sorry” in every sense of the phrase

To everyone, my existence is merely a phase

I’m the fun friend, the hot chick, I could go on with the dumb list

But all these fucking titles just have me pissed

I’m always too much or too little once someone is close

All these flaws of mine have made me feel real gross

I feel disgusting, like trash or something way worse than that

My life is set up in the most depressing format

The suicidal immortal, what a fucking joke

why does everyone make me feel like I'm impossible to love?

Why does everyone make feel like I'm never going to be enough ?

I want to die and it doesn't matter, everyone's made that clear

I want to die, and I'm seeing that isn't something to you dear

You said you were gonna make me feel what she did not

But now making me feel okay isn't even a thought.

Everything's my fault, I'm always the one to blame.

It's funny, people accuse me then wonder why I'm insane.

I'm losing my mind but again, it's totally all on me

They make me think I'm the most annoying thing you can be.

I am just a problem person, I'm an incurable piece of shit

and I guess I deserve all the bad things, every single hit.

I should give up, and I think I'm just about to do that.

Because I'm tired of living my life like I'm everyone's mat.

Please let me die,

Let my cry,

Let me go far away

Let me get away from this world so you can have a better day.

I once loved a heartless cunt.

who seemed to never be upfront

she pretended to love me for almost a year

she only taught me how to fear

Fear that every next person is lying to me

Fear that's how all love is going to be

Love scares me now, all thanks to you

All because you couldn't be real, or true

But I'm not your only victim, am I?

There's more that you lead on with this lie.

You're a fucking heartbreaker,

You're a bitch, you're a love faker.

You bring people into your life and use them.

And drop them at the slightest whim

I wish I could hate you, but I don't.

I would love to hit you, but I won't.

I want to take back every moment, every kiss

Erasing you would bring me such bliss.

But I can't, so fuck you. I hope you're glad

I hope you don't make this new victim as sad.

But I know in due time, she'll be dumped too

Cuz that's all you know how to fucking do.

“You're gonna fuck up.”

The voice repeats inside my head as I stare at you.

Iʼm sure I'll say the wrong thing and we'll instantly be through.

I am over analyzing every evidence I have that you may not like me.

But thatʼs just my brain corrupting how I interpret things and see.

I just know I've messed up so much before with people who mattered far less

So please excuse me as I scream and cry because I am under a lot of stress.

Stress that I am not good enough, stress I never will be good enough

Stress because thinking Iʼm even close to lovable has become very tough.

She is the pink in the sunset, not always attending but the most spectacular presence.

She is the glow from a fire,  she radiates the most spontaneous energy and warms my entire soul.

She is the flip side of my pillow, who's gentle cool appearance always puts me at ease.

She is lovely and she is one of a kind

She is impossible to get off my mind.

Fucked up doesn't even begin to explain how I feel.

It's as if the universe is crashing and I just gotta deal.

I gotta put up with the madness, the overwhelming bad.

I've got to look past how all the evil is making me sad.

I feel myself dying,

collapsing, like a building that's been hit by a plane.

I am slowly getting used to feeling insane.

My mind has trapped me in a loop of absolute crazy.

All of my sense are fading and my vision is hazy.

My mother used to say it was demons messing with my mind.

But no demon, Satan, or hell has ever been this unkind.

This is more than torture, it's past the point of pain.

It's the most evil curse living inside of my brain

She works with flowers and I find that so very suitable.

She's a bouquet of pure passion and it's so very beautiful.

Her kisses send bumps down my body, and heat to my face.

She moves so seductively, and walks with such grace.

Her skin is soft as cotton, her curls shine in the dim light.

Everything she says and does makes me feel just right.

I've never felt elation as vivid as what I do now.

I am so lucky to have you, met you, and I don't even know how.

You came over so fast and instantly swept me up off of my feet.

I feel like I'm dreaming, everything is surreal and so neat. 

I've never felt romance like this, it's so true and wholehearted .

I've been in a trance since this whole thing has started.

You are my dream come true, a fairytale unraveling 

It's as if we're going through time or even space traveling.

All unknown feelings and moments to undergo and discover.

It's safe to say you're mine right now, my most exquisite lover.

I hope to have found a place in your heart and by your side,

because this is the first time I feel as if I don't need to hide;

Hide real feelings, passion, attraction and everything in between.

Because this is nothing bad, it's only the most beautiful scene. 

I will never make art to please any soul other than mine 

I will not purposely give up my imagination so that you feel fine.

so what if you don't like my art? 

It's got what you don't, a heart.

It's got soul, it's got passion, traits you lost long ago.

you are the most close minded, sad person I know. 

You think you have a say in what I create ?

Telling me, "if you'd paint this and not that, you'd be great"

well guess what? I'm kicking all your ideas down the drain 

Because doing what you want will only drive me insane 

I will make art and you will hate it, and i won't mind

I'm done with putting up with you and I'm done being kind. 

This is my fucking life, this is my fucking art.

So next time you want to share your thoughts, don't you dare start.

you give me this out of my body kind of experience,

You lift me up above the world and everything seems complete

I can hardly see this ever being just a coincidence,

And if love is war, then you are my biggest defeat.

you were my queen in a past life, you've been my mate before 

I see magic in your eyes and hear angels in your voice.

everything is so real, I'm lost in thought upon my bedroom floor. 

out of every person, you are the most excellent choice.

Your touch sends electricity down my entire spine,

and oh god, your kiss just absolutely blows my mind 

I don't mean aggression but I want you to be mine.

Being with you, I am finally able to fully unwind.

You press your lips onto mine, my heart sinks a thousand feet. 

If love is a war, then it's time to admit my defeat.

How do you do that with your soul ?

Why does your presence make me whole? 

I'm nauseous and it's all to do with nerves,

I can't help it with the way you expose your curves.

Not to mention the things you say to me,

and when I look at you it's as if for the first time I see.

I see a future, a present, an everlasting dream.

I want to be your best friend, I want to be a team. 

What makes you tick? What makes you smile?

Tell me everything, I'll be here for a long while.

How much time has passed ? What day is it?

I've forgotten everything but you I must admit. 

I don't mean to be brittle, but I've spilled my insides out. 

I want you to know every thought, every fear, every doubt. 

I'm enraptured, thanks to only you. 

I hope I can give you all these feelings too.