Riding in the cab in my old town bought up a lot of memories. I was on my way to my parents house, I know this route as well as anyone can know anything. I've ridden down it thousands of times and driven down it myself probably hundreds. Nothing here ever changes.

Its been a few years since I've been here but it all came back to me, like I'd never left. The mall is coming up on our left, after that there is a Dairy Queen, then a mechanics, then a mom and pop grocery store. Now on the right is a bridal store next to a Wendy's, followed by a donut store with a weird tree in front. I didn't even have to look up to know that we were about to turn right on to Douglas Street because we just hit the double pot hole on the left side of the lane.

I live here for the first 26 years of my life. When I was about 8 I remember my dad taking my sister and me to Blockbuster and saying, " ya'll go agree on a movie, then ya can pick your own snacks. If ya'll bicker were goin home with nothin!" There's the theater I went to at 13 to see Freaky Friday, with my friends. I felt so cool that my parents let me go without them. Now we're passing the Walmart where I had my first try of alcohol at 18. Boy! What a mistake. In a few seconds we'll be turning left onto Larson road.

"Uhm, excuse me, where are we going? You were supposed to turn back there, you missed it, " I causally mentioned to the driver.

"Don't ya' worry little lady!" he said looking over his shoulder back to me.

With a slight panic in my voice I say, "There's no other way to my parents house. Turn around now!"

No answer.

"HEY!" I scream and hit the plastic that separates us with my fist.

Nothing.

Now I really start to worry. My mind races as my breathing shallows, "Where is he taking me? What do I do? My phone is dead. I'm such an idiot letting it die. What do I gave that I can use as a weapon? Am I really in this situation?! Wait! The door! I can jump, but how fast are we going? Will it kill me or just seriously injure? This road is new I don't know where we are or where we are going. I don't know if there are any stop light or stop sign that the driver will slow down for. Seriously?! nothing ever changes in this town except now!!? CRAP!"

listening

will the wind whistle

or will it whoosh?

will the brook babble

or will it gurgle?

will the grass whisper

or will it susurrate?

will the leaves swish

or will they rustle?

will the trees creak

or will they moan?

will the birds sing

or will they mock me?

The 6 am wakeup call on her 17th birthday put so many thoughts into Elsie's head. What do I wear skydiving? How kind of rules will there be? Whats the plane like? What kind of - her brother barged in, “who would want to jump out of a perfrectly good airplane?!”

She shut the door in his face and finished getting ready. Elsie decided to wear jean shorts, a grey t-shit and black converse.

"Good enough," she thought.

Today her dad was taking her skydiving. Just the two of them, driving 45 minutes to the skydiving center. This was the kind of things they did together. Thrill seekers or adrenaline junkies, people called them.

Driving down the highway, a little too fast with the windows down, Elsie laid her head back and let the wind surround her. It was warm and sunny, the music was loud and they were seeking adventure. This was going to be a great birthday.

When they pulled into the dirt and gravel driveway, Elsie looked out the window at the grungy wear house called the LowHigh Skydive Center. They walked inside and Elsie noticed it was dirty, dated and covered in the most random this she had ever seen. There were torn parachutes and kites hanging from the ceiling. There were flags from all over the world. there were hundreds of pictures of people skydiving. There were signs like "if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!" Elise was thrilled.

She could smell the gasoline from the plane. She watched the instructors hanging out on the couches swapping stories. She watched the videographers editing videos in their lockers. She was jumped folding and rolling their parachutes for their next jump. She could see the nerves on the faces of others, but she was beyond excited.

Bruce, her jump buddy, got her a jumpsuit and harness. "So much for caring about what to wear," she thought.

All buckled, they walked onto the smallest airplane Elsie had ever seen. It had a big roll up door, and two long benches on either side. They took off. When they got to their altitude of 13,000 feet, Bruce buckled his harness to hers (he had the parachute) and they waddled to the door. It wasn't far, because Elsie was first. She made eye contact with her dad, gave him her biggest smile, and jumped

Silence, then the stomach drop rush of falling from the sky hit. As fast as it came it was gone. Then rush of the wind past her ears; so loud. She felt its resistance as she fell, like it was saving her from falling too fast. Then the parachute cord was pulled, she watched it billow and unfold as the wind filled it entirely.

This was the moment her life changed, and she knew it. Elsie had finally found the thrill her soul had been searching for. Since 12 years old she knew she didn't want to go to college, so she was unsure of her future.

“Skydiving, this is my future.” she sighed in contentment as they floated back to the ground.

At the age of 15 she knew she didn't want to go to college. She knew she wanted to be wild and free, following the wind wherever it blew. High school wasn't a great experience for her and she knew school was not how she wanted to continue her life. All she ever thought about was the wind blowing her in the right direction. The wind was always her friend and she knew that it would take her where she was supposed to go. She held onto that confidence and walked the path it laid out before her.

At 16 she got her drivers license and that address to her freedom. She often found herself at the beach, sitting in the warms sand and letting the chilly wind blow through her hair. Or up on the mountain, in the trees listening to the gentle. wind rustle the leaves. The wind always reminded her that it was there for her, leading the way.

On her 17th birthday, her dad took her skydiving. This was the first time she felt the wind in a rush. Beyond the rush of falling from the sky, she felt the rush of the wind past her ears. It almost felt as if the wind was angry. Loud in her ears and strong on her body as she tried sliced through it. She felt its resistance as she fell, saving her from falling too fast. When she pulled the parachute, she watched it billow and unfold as the wind filled it entirely.

Until the age of 19 she chased after the strength of the wind. She jumped out of airplanes and let the wind catch her every time. She drove a little too fast with the window down, letting the wind surround her. She ran just to feel the wind in her hair and pushing her to go faster. She'd stand and let the wind swirl around her, letting it hold her up.

She was at the mercy of the wind, until the age of 20. Then the comfort of the wind changed into something else. She struggled to find the reason for the change. It felt as if the wind was no longer moving with her but pushing her toward something else. She felt discontent with doing her own thing. She no longer felt it was just her and the wind. She met him.

By 27, she was happily married, with a house, a dog, and two wonderful little boys. She had found what the wind had been pushing her toward. She knew she was where she was supposed to be. She knew that while the wind was still her friend, she no longer need it to catch her, surround her, push her, or hold her.

Some days she finds herself standing alone with the wind, remembering. Remembering the lost teenager she used to be, remembering all that she needed from the wind. And now, just enjoying its company.

1 boy 1 girl

started a life

when they got married

now, husband and wife

some time had gone by

and the way children do

they grew up a little

and did something new

from their 3 kids

and time not slowing

they added three more

the family keeps growing

1 girl, 2 girls

3 girls, four

2 little boys

and now one more.

over the years

up to fourteenth grew

adding the love

that started with 2

1 boy 1 girl

wed a while ago

started a life

now, Poppy and Jojo

Mama, why are these boots so big?

Those are daddy's boots, little cowboy.

Mama, why does this hat keep falling?

That is Poppa's hat, little cowboy.

Mama, why can't get on the horse?

He is a very tall horse, little cowboy.

Mama, why can't I reach the stirrups?

That is mamas saddle, little cowboy.

Mama, why can I move this hay bale?

That is a very heavy hay bale, little cowboy.

Mama, why is this rope so long?

That is Papa's rope, little cowboy.

Mama, why do you call me "little cowboy"?

That's what you are, my little cowboy.

Mama, can I still do big cowboy things?

You can do anything, little big cowboy.

Day 464. 9:00 am. I open my eyes and think to myself, "something is wrong."

I pull the covers off, go into the bathroom, and sleepily look into the mirror.

"Why do I feel like this?" I ask myself aloud.

Nothing has changed, yesterday was exactly like the 462 before it; so why would today be any different. One year, three months, and five days since I got my diagnosis. Chronic pain, spending every evening wishing I had more of an exciting life and every morning dreading the thought of having to do basic life.

Now my thoughts are in a whirl, "That's it! It's all gone! The dread and the pain. I feel NO pain! How? Why?"

Simultaneously, I ask these questions and have the answer in my mind, "You've become omnipotent.

I sit; right there on the bathroom floor. Suddenly I'm dressed. Just as my belly starts to rumble its stops with the contentment of being full. My hair is brushed, and my breath is fresh. The things I've dreaded doing for the last year are just happening. Yesterday I wished I could just magically be dressed without having to move. Yesterday I wished I was just full, without having to eat. Today, before I can even complete a thought, it's done.

As many thoughts run through my head, just one stays in the front of my mind, "what do I do now?"

I cannot bring myself to move. I just sit; for hours. For the rest of the day, I don't go anywhere. I wander around my apartment. After a year of wanting more life and less pain, I have it. With my feelings and questions spiraling around my brain, I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't know how to use this incredible ability that has been gifted to me. I have this opportunity and I'm paralyzed with thoughts of what to do with it.

Eleven hours later, I talk to myself as I climb into bed. "Day 464- no! No more counting. I'm no longer in pain and there I no reason to continue counting days of dread. Tomorrow I will answer my question about what to do. Tomorrow."

9:00 am. I open my eyes and think to myself, "something is wrong."

I pull the covers off, go into the bathroom, and look into the mirror; wide awake.

"Nothing," I answer the question from the night before.

Omnipotence is gone. The pain is back. Day 1.