It started with one broken heart. A broken heart and a friend that wanted to be there for her. That’s what friends do right? After all, he was in love with her best friend. What could happen? What started with innocence became nothing short of a crime. A crime against her body, soul, and mind.

He spent time with her, he hugged her for as long she could take it. From late-night meetups to texting into all hours of the night, he became someone she knew she could rely on… and he knew that. He knew she needed him. He preyed on her when she was already at her lowest.

It started with a simple kiss that she was too broken to reject. “Maybe this could work,” she thought. While he thought “I know this will work.” Except “this” was much different in each of their minds. He slowly worked his way into her heart and body. A little further each time. Assuring her he loved her. She believed it until that night.

Red nike shorts and a gray t-shirt. Another late meetup that began with a hug in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. Teary-eyed, she climbed into the front seat of his truck. She spilled her heart out about her broken family and ex that left. He leaned over for a kiss, knowing she was too weak and lonely to back away. Slowly his hands worked their way down her body. Knowing her heart was broken and this would hurt her best friend, she pushed his hands away. Without hesitation, her hands were pushed away and held down by the hands of someone she thought was her friend. He continued to touch her until it was too far. No amount of “please no” or “this isn't good” or “ouch it hurts” would make him stop. Shorts stained with blood, she had to get out. She still smiled when he said, “I love you.” She still responded to his text that night. She had no energy left to understand what had just happened.

About a month went by she had to tell her best friend, who embraced her. The story she shared was one of a consensual experience that was a mistake. After months went by, they stopped talking. Time continued to move on and her mental state was quickly deteriorating. “Second best,” she thought. “Just a body,” she thought. No one knew what thoughts ran threw her head every second of the day. Every time she thought she could be happy again, every time she thought she could be with someone else, those dreams were shattered by the realization of what happened that night. The feeling of being a person’s back up and replacement when they couldn't have what they really wanted. The blame she put on herself was too much for a teenager. She wanted to end it. Maybe the pain would stop.

Walking to her car one night, he texted her. He wanted to talk. He wanted to meet up. Foolishly, she agreed. Once again, the car doors were locked and her head was forced on him. When he let her out, and she began to drive home, her mind was filled with thoughts of simply driving her car off the side of the road. And those thoughts didn’t stop. For months, they continued. No one knew. Coming and going with a smile on her face. Blaming herself for getting into the car, for letting him do what he did. Thinking it was her fault because she was wearing short shorts. Blaming herself for getting close with him. Maybe she wanted the attention? Maybe she just wanted to be loved?

the heart you broke

still beats for you

the heart you damaged

longs to be whole again

the heart that was once yours

still wants to be held by you

the heart you threw away

put itself back together

the heart you no longer wanted

will one day become something so much more

and you will look back

and remember how in a memory from the distant past

that heart was once yours

and you let it go because of another

Sometimes I think I miss you

Then I realize you aren’t that person anymore

Sometimes I think I miss you

Then I realize I miss what we used to have

Sometimes I think I miss you

Then I realize you weren’t who you said you were

Sometimes I think I love you

Then I realize I love the idea of you

Sometimes I think I love you

Then I realize I love the way you used to make me feel

Sometimes I reminiscne

About the special thing we used to have

Sometimes I reminisce

About what could’ve been

The saddest part is

I gave you everything

And my head was filled with your empty promises

I gave you my all

And you let me think you did the same

I gave you my loyalty

And you let me think I had yours

But instead

You gave her your all

You gave her your loyalty

You gave her your love

And I was left there

Left wondering why

Why I wasted my time loving you

When you loved another

They talk

I defend you

They look

I defend you

No matter what

I always defended you

But when the roles are reversed

You defend him

They talk

You defend him

They look

You defend him

No matter what

You pick him over me

And I'm so so tired

Of defending you

When you never do the same

They say “don’t judge a book by its cover”

Instead,

We judge the chapter

That we happen to become a part of

What if we judged

The cover

The pages

The words

The context

The story

What would we be capable of?

The way your voice cracked when you laughed

The way your dimples appeared when you smiled

The way your hand perfectly intertwined with mine

The way you looked down into my eyes when I spoke

The way your hand felt on my back when we hugged

These are the memories I long to remember

Now all I'm left with is the unpleasant memories of

The way you spoke to me when I tried to be honest

The way you yelled when I defended myself

The way I cried silently when you walked away without looking back

The way I had to pretend to be alright

The way you pretended we had never been anything more than friends

The way I carried around a fake smile for six months

Lastly,

The way I fell apart when I realized the reason you left me because of...

The way you loved another girl

Now my mind can only remember one thing

The way I hate you

I can’t even explain the pain you brought me. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. I try to push my thoughts aside and focus on what’s happening in the now. I try so hard but nothing works. People say it’s better when someone is gone and you don’t see them. “Out of sight, out of mind” they say. You are out of sight but you are not even close to being out of mind. I have no options. I can’t talk to you, I can’t call you, all I can do is helplessly miss you. Pathetic, raw, and painful emotion. Everything reminds me of you: songs, stores, restaurants, pictures... memories. I am trapped inside my memories. I’m sorry but I had to get it out. I’m sorry I can’t get you out of head. I’m sorry but I want them gone. I’m sorry I miss you so much I can’t forget you. I’m sorry I spent my time and my energy falling for you when you ended up leaving. I want a reason to hate you but I just can’t. Please give me a reason to hate you.

The way I live has changed

My day to day habits have been turned upside down

I sit in silence and hold back the tears

I hold back emotion every minute

I hold back the uncontrollable tears

The uncontrollable emotion

I hold back and put on a smile

Because I'm tired of the questions

The neverending "are you ok"

You were everything I needed

Everything I wanted

You were never mine

But I was always yours

Will always be yours

All the memories

All the times we had

Every night we spent together

The hugs, the kisses,

The goodnights and good mornings

They’re nothing more than a memory

We haven’t spoken in months

And I barely miss you

You don’t wish to see me

And I don’t understand why

I don’t argue, but I wonder

You were my role model

You were the love of my life

But you weren’t a lover

Your were my father