Hey, I’ll keep this short, but know when I say that I never mean it. So much time has passed I’m pretty sure it’s lapped me three and a half times over. It’s been hard, it’s been aggravating, it’s been paralyzingly existential and at the same time indescribably simple. I’ve been falling apart, trying to write down all of my loose ends. But you see, dear friend, there’s nowhere to start, no clear beginning to the events of this downfall. I don’t have a reason. Just drowning in all that I am. My best parts are hidden away, twisted and contorted between experiences. And I’m doing it. I’m putting myself there. All of my qualities are diverted to conserve energy. I’m convinced the right person won’t have anything left of me, tangled heartstrings make up a tightrope too thin for him to walk on. I don’t have a terribly awful story. Nothing close to tragic.

“You’re breaking yourself.” They lament.

“This is you.” They accuse.

Enlighten me on who you think I am. All the parts that I can’t understand, go ahead really. You know it’s funny cause I’ll ask that and as you’re talking something seems to make you mad. Suddenly your accusations contradict themselves and before you know it you’re nearly as confused as I am. What troubles you? You’re scared to upset me, but I don’t ever want to see you so bottled up. So all the good, and the bad don’t hold back. You know it’s kind of ironic, the only time I’m smart it makes me sad. I hear what you’re saying while your darty eyes and wringing hands fill in everything you leave out.

But I told you I only want the truth babe. Don’t hold back for me. I know you’ve started settling, you tell me it’s worth it cause you can talk me up to more than I am with pretty painted words. How I love your pictures. But dearest there’s a heart made for you you won’t have to bargain for. I find it laughable, the heart made for me I wasn’t made right for. And you started your description so confident in your arrogant preconceptions. But I can tell you aren’t as sure after all. Know that when I began this address I intended to be talking about me. What a beautiful representation of myself that I ended up talking about you anyways. All my love xx.

Tackling happy is tough- it’s a big word.

Get specific. Besides who, what, when, where,

why is this feeling different than your normal?

Is it exciting, or maybe scary? Is it something that’s never happened before, or is it a repeat performance? How intense does it feel? Like getting a Kahoot answer right, placing first, like nailing a recipe, or like water will drip from your eyes?

Are you really happy? Or is that just what you expect happy to be like? Are you happy or are you just okay? How long can you stay that way?

Figure that out, keep it in mind, and then think of this:

Personify what is making you happy. They believe the opposite of what you feel, and it’s up to you to convince them otherwise.

********************************************

I call my wife every night since we’re pretty much long distance. Our schedules are staggered, but I always call when they’re allowed to. We like to call before bedtime, and because of my wife’s job, they tend to fall asleep first while I stay up to catch up on work. I can’t sleep unless I hear my wife snoring and sleeptalking.

Long distance is hard, of course, but we’re so close yet so far away. My parents are controlling and they don’t know about us. They’re always controlled by work training and rules and regulations. We make it work, but if it weren’t for the internet... Time apart really wrenches the heart. We see each other maybe three times a year, and I always look forward to the next time I’ll be able to hear their snoring live, in 4D.

My wife and I have very different attachment styles. I can be satisfied with just hearing their snoring for a couple hours, whereas they would rather spend every waking moment of life with me, doing all our shenanigans, without worrying about work, family, or the other shit that gets in between us.

I never should have told them I have been conditioned to only fall asleep to the sound of their snoring and room noise. Ever since I told them that, they roll their eyes in insecurity when I joke about it or tease them about it. I tell them because it's endearing, and it's cute to me, even if they don't think so.

Because you asked, here is an idea. Hope you don't think I am lame! Why dont you write what you typically write, spill out all the pain and then rewrite it as the joyful story you wish it to be. I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty to rewrite a piece of yours that I really connected with into a joyful piece, as follows:

"We created a world big enough for the both of us; big enough to fit your pain and mine. The garden we made together has grown and flourished. There is a big open room allowing us the space to love each other. You cleaned out the boxes from your childhood, along with your addiction. I built a castle for us, one where we could get away from the world when we wanted, a place where we could patch and paint over the crumbling walls, gazing upon the rolling hills outside of the picture window. We found our way, making a new world for ourselves, with a new garden where the seedlings are blooming and thriving. I wish the whole world could see them now, as they breathe."

Start a gratitude journal. Think of three things a day that you are thankful for. You can be thankful for people like family and friends, it can even be as simple as a good cup of coffee. Doing this enough can help rewire your mindset into looking for things to be thankful for in everything you do. This is something I need to personally work on doing every day.

Writing can be such a therapy for some of us; to get out all the hurt and frustration. However, writing should also be for happiness and enjoyment...there are so many happy things to write about! I've got TONS of techniques for writing out the joy...here are five:

1. Listen to happy music! Music can completely change your mood and really lighten up the day. It also is great for writing inspiration. Listening to my happy music while writing always makes what I write come out joyful. (If you need music recommendations for happy music or any kind, let me know, and I'll give you my Spotify info.)

2. Write from two perspectives! When I'm having a tough time, I write out my frustrations and feelings. It's really important to keep in mind that what you KNOW always triumphs what you FEEL. With that being said, after I have written all my feelings on one page, I write everything I know (truth and positivity) on the next page. For me, it's like a conversation being played out... reminding myself of all the good things, speaking truth to myself so that I don't get so caught up in my own hurt, and ultimately choosing joy.

3. Read a story and re-write it your way! In the same way that some people make up happy scenarios before going to sleep, re-making a story to be what you want is really satisfying. This option never lets me down! I just pick a book off my shelves or a movie's plot and make all the things happen that I want to happen. Feeling like you have a sense of control over something can be really calming, and using someone else's characters saves you the time that you'd spend creating your own characters, plot, and scene. It's basically a writing prompt (or fanfic) on your favorite story/character.

4. Get to know yourself! There are millions of lists online of goofy and oddly detailed questions for people to ask their significant others/dates to get to know them. I've found that half of those questions are things I didn't even know about myself! (Sunsets or sunrises? If you were giving a TED talk, what would it be about? A rainy night drive or a spring morning walk? The forest or the beach? What animal would you be if you could be any? What's your second favorite movie? Etc.) And honestly, everyone loves to talk about themselves, let's just admit it. Those online questions can be really fun to answer; you might learn some things about yourself.

5. Write a letter! Though almost everything is online now when it comes to communication, receiving an actual letter is so fun. Maybe get yourself a penpal from a different country to write back and forth with. I can honestly say that making a new friend through letters is one of the best things ever. You get to look forward to checking the mail all the time, you learn about someone new, and you get to be creative and thoughtful. The most wonderful part about a penpal is the mystery. You don't know what they look like, sound like, what their home is like, or what their family is like. An even more adventurous way to write letters is to complete strangers; leave a letter in public for someone to pick up and read. Leave sweet letters in books at a library or bookstore. Leave notes on the counter to a barista. Write a letter to your neighbor and leave it at their door. Tie a letter to a balloon and let it fly away. Stick a note on a car's windshield. That kind of letter-writing will automatically brighten up your day and a stranger's.

I do the same. and I am trying to stay positive, as I believe in the law of attraction so I am changing my future. To my wants, desires, and positive days ahead.

Soooo what is my idea for myself I am sharing with you?

I have at least 30 journals of all my spewing my negativity...

I am making a "Good Days" journal. and

Write in it every day!

Even if all you have to say is you saw 5 monarch butterflies and what it means

then draw butterflies, personalize it. have fun with it. Put color in it with stickers and markers. Make it vibrant.

I've been saying this for 30 years....

"Every day is a God-day, how can it not be a good-day?"

It's time for us writers to start writing about the good in our lives too if we don't already. This is a good way to start that.

"Good Daze" "Good Dayz" "Good Days" have fun with it. Let it raise your vibe instead.

If you have nothing good to write. Look up an "affirmation" and write that down. write " I love me " but every day write something positive.

"Good Daze"

Athena

i spent last night cutting off chunks of my hair. just me and a pair of dull scissors sprinkled with strands of hair i spent the last year trying to grow out. dramatic? perhaps. impulsive? probaby. what my therapist meant by "healthy coping mechanisms"? definitely not. i'd probably have regrets if i wasn't in such a deep state of apathy, but i don't care to imagine that right now, so i won't. those of you who have somehow remained unfucked-up will not understand the wave of absolute euphoria that follows this kind of exertion of absolute and total control. it makes it all so worth it.