I'm fourteen and in my room,

Trying to deal with something not new,

An emotion that I've felt so long,

I can't remember when it was gone.

Years ago,

I tried to explain,

The pain and havoc,

Inside my brain.

But, you turned your back on me,

Locked me in a cell,

And threw away the key.

You told me to let it go,

To suck it up,

Buttercup.

But I can't,

And I haven't ever,

Forgotten the pain those words have caused.

Those words that torment my mind daily,

Those words that so easily,

Imprison me.

But now I'm older,

And I understand,

You were just as afraid as I am.

And now you think you know,

My pain and sorrow,

And how I've come to grow,

And learn to hide my tears.

But you don't know the half of it,

You can't see inside my mind,

And if you could,

You'd be horrified,

By the terrible pain you will find.

But you'll never know,

And you'll never see,

How your words and actions,

Will never leave me.

I'll always remember,

Those painful words,

Those harsh cold shoulders,

And silent fights.

You say I locked myself up,

But you were the one holding the key,

And as you stood there in the distance,

I think you were laughing at me.

But now I'm older,

And I know who I am,

And you're going to regret,

Telling me your plans.

Because now I hold the key,

To my own prison cell,

And despite my insecurity,

I will not be felled.

I'm scared and alone,

As I curl in my bed,

Sobbing my heart out,

My chest filled with dread.

Today I spent hours,

Conversing with you,

Trying to dig myself out,

Of a grave I dug too.

I dug it because,

I knew if I didn't,

I would just lie in the grass,

And die with my emotions hidden.

The help I tried to get,

Was the grave I dug.

At least,

That was how you saw it,

When I came home from school.

I was dreading that conversation,

For I knew it would last long,

And for a while,

And I knew that if I were to live,

I would have to be very strong.

You're not my enemy,

You tell me daily,

But you caused this darkness,

And my misery.

I know you love me,

You really do,

But you also have an uncanny ability,

To hurt me,

Too.

I can't hide,

From my darkened mind,

But it would be nice to not have to fight,

You, too.

How can I convey,

The pain I feel,

When I look into your eyes,

And see nothing but love and lies.

The love is simple,

When I meet your gaze,

It's impossible to miss,

And powerful enough to daze.

Yet here you lie to me,

Right to my face,

When you tell me that I'm fine,

That it's all in my mind,

I'm a drama queen,

Aren't I?

How can I explain,

This unbearable,

Horrible,

Pain?

You made me doubt myself,

Made me so selfless that it's bad,

And now I think so lowly,

Of the character of my past.

You told me I was wrong,

That what I said wasn't true,

I was making a big deal,

It was all just a ruse.

But it wasn't so,

And I didn't lie,

You were the one,

Who ruined my life.

Yet, I love you still,

Because you're family,

And I'll never leave you,

Just like my insecurity.

I know you blame me,

For what happened,

But you don't know,

The half of it.

I doubted myself,

Before that fateful incident,

I remember looking at my weight,

And wishing it was less.

I was 45 pounds,

That first fateful day,

When I remember body shaming myself,

I didn't even understand it wasn't okay.

I feel such an anger,

I cannot stop writing,

And the things I'm thinking of,

So much pain and sorrow they bring.

I'm thinking of my past,

Of deals that did not last,

Of promises I didn't keep,

To myself that I would never weep.

But here I am,

Not crying anymore,

My anger has grown,

To an inferno roar.

I'm furious,

To say the least,

At those who locked me up,

And threw away the key.

At first I didn't get it,

I'll tell you the truth,

But the next chapter is my story,

It is not a ruse.

When I was small,

It was different,

But the thoughts I thought,

Were just as scary then.

Dreams of terror,

Abject horror,

As I lost my family,

In a violent war.

Dreams that invaded,

My many thoughts,

And made it impossible,

For my fear to stop.

I hid it well,

But I'm sure my parents knew,

For I was always a talkative child,

That much is definitely true.

I didn't understand,

Until a decade later,

That the nightmares I had then,

Were symptoms of something greater.

When I was seven,

At least I think,

I was 45 pounds,

And I wished I would shrink.

Nothing more,

I said to myself,

On that fateful day,

As I stood on the scale.

I didn't want to gain,

Anymore weight,

Of course I did,

But that was my fate.

Seven years old,

That's when it started,

When I realized the truth,

And from my happiness parted.

I've always been strange,

Always been different,

And I think it's because I've been sick,

All these years.

Maybe the others don't remember,

The pain they caused me,

But I can still recall,

That deep,

Horrible ache,

That happens when you find out no one cares.

And it wasn't that they didn't care,

About dear seven year old me,

But they didn't understand,

Or have any empathy.

I felt so alone,

When I was younger,

Until I learned,

That alone is safer.

I was in the fourth grade,

When they were first sexist,

And called me a woman,

And treated me like a pest.

I dropped those nasty friends,

With disgust on my face,

But not before,

I let them know,

That my abilities they could not base,

On my gender.

I was mad then,

But I didn't understand,

What was coming for me later,

When I was dealt an even worse hand.

It was during Covid,

On that fateful day,

When we were allowed to move lunchroom seats,

And he chose to sit by me.

It was a table full of guys,

Which was not the issue,

But the issue became clear,

When they laughed with him, too.

I stayed away,

As much as I could,

I hid in the bathroom,

And put up my hood.

But it was too late,

For my worth and my sanity,

For already the little I had retained,

Had been lost.

So instead,

I cried,

I let it all out,

And then I promised,

I would never shout,

Again.

When those bottled feelings came out,

I didn't understand,

The full,

Entire,

Extent of them.

I was scared,

I felt alone,

And my beliefs were shaken,

To the bone.

Then,

She told me,

With a sharp tongue and a sharper tone,

How could you be so sad,

When you have such a nice home?

Millions of kids are out there,

Without so much as a roof,

And yet they are so happy,

Clearly unlike you.

She doesn't understand,

How much those words hurt me that day.

Since then I've bottled up my feelings,

And stuffed them away.

Now,

Two years later,

And I'm falling down again,

Into that bottomless pit,

With walls made of slippery sand.

But this time I've found out,

The truth behind the curtain,

That not all was okay,

And I wasn't making it up.

I know now that I'll be okay,

So long as I learn to cope,

But first I had to come to know,

That these feelings aren't normal.

Finally,

Now that I'm fourteen,

I've been diagnosed,

With anxiety.

Yet they still won't understand,

Refuse to see,

They think that,

This is some master plan,

And that in time,

I will come clean,

And they'll find out,

Just how right they seem.

And yes,

And yes,

They're absolutely right,

I'll come clean in time,

And I'll tell them about my fight.

I'll tell them the role they played,

As the big,

Bad,

Guys.

I'll tell them that my happiness,

Has always been a disguise.

I'll tell them that I'm so mad,

I can't put it into words,

And apart from these too long poems,

I haven't ever had the guts to.

It seems the moment that I've put this down,

It's suddenly real,

And my feelings aren't so profound.

Millions of people,

Feel my way,

And struggle through their every day.

I want them to know,

There's someone out there,

Who's made it to the other side,

And is nice enough to care.