I wanted to say this,

but it was twisting my tongue,

drowning my lungs,

choking my throat...

I really loved you, as a friend,

cared for you,

enjoyed our time as friends,

but

you really hurt me

and I can feel the distance,

even if you say there's nothing wrong,

I can feel the chasm that split us apart,

I can feel the separation.

I can feel you move on,

with new friends,

while I'm stuck

in my head,

in my mind,

and

in the past,

the past where we were best friends,

hanging out,

laughing,

I'm stuck in

our

past.

25.6.2020

Did you really think it was okay to put me down over and over and use our friendship to get what you wanted? Is it fair that I won't ever stop caring for you because I still value our past? You're going to say it, aren't you? I know, life isn't fair, it never is.

If it was would we still be stuck in this stupid feedback loop of one-sided affection?

For all the good things that I didn’t buy,

all the good friends I couldn’t keep,

all the kisses that I failed to deliver,

all the Hellos that I did not wave,

all the “thank you” notes that I didn’t send out,

all the hands that I never got to shake;

all the hearts that I wasn’t able to heal;

all the laughters that we could have enjoyed,

and all the tears that we could have shared together;

all the love-affairs that I failed to transcend into friendship;

all the tender feelings that I eventually letting go;

all the promises that I broke;

all the dreams that I shattered;

all the hearts that I walked pass without making a ripple inside;

all the songs that I failed to remember how to reverberate;

all my good years that I did not learn how to cherish;

all the bad years that I failed to learn how to regurgitate;

and all creature-beings, big or small that I intentionally or accidentally hurt or killed…

I am here calling all of you with all my past regrets into my life,

I am here to shake hands with you,

and invite all of you to my birthday party,

I share all my good days ahead with you,

with all my resources, unconditional love, and

undivided compassion and attentions with you.

Please accept my apologies,

for failing in recognizing

the preciousness and importance of your presence

in my life.

Please show me,

how to enhance my awareness to the very tenderness

of your heart even better;

teach me how to expand my sensing, touching and feeling of your treasurable pristine soul even deeper,

and allowing me to extend my deepest gratitude to your very existence in my heart even further.

10-karat gold, a cold

gleaming chain of rope woven links

that she began when she grabbed my life

and linked it to her own

voiceless then,

until the end I followed and

was strung by hand (hers)

through oiled cloth

a decade long

for miles and miles

her laughter lit the chain afire

a burning pit

pure gold drip, a copper core

it was never good enough

I know, I swore

promised I was better, broken

harder, colder,

an alloy that held

bitter words

til brittle snapped

should have held your hand

reciprocated

my fault, your fault

our metal chain became a brand

I am sorry that i hurt you in worst way.

I didn't know i was being this selfish.

I should have been there by your side when u needed me,

instead i chose her over you.

I wish i can change the past.

I wish i can take out your pain.

We were great together before all these.

I don't know how i let that happened.

I am really sorry for what i have done to you,

I am sorry that i broke your trust.

He could have said such things to her,

Her soul might have been saved.

But he replaced her with someone else very easily,

And emptiness found forever home inside her.

The  smell of you turns heads for some

But for me, I  stumble  when you pass me by.

The smell  of you  makes me wander about, running from the scent that introduces you

And even when I  cover up

the hint of you hits me in the head. Nauseous I  get...and since you can’t  seem to understand  my requests to omit the odor

Hear me now; for, tact does evade me...

You reek and the smell of you makes me sick!

I have always hated what you've done

A liar deserves another liar though, and that's why I have you

I guess that you even replaced me too

Because you replaced me with the one person I couldn't bother lying to

And you made him lie to me

Over

and Over

and Under

and Again.

I left you and told you that I didn't blame you and that I loved you.

And I had loved you, but I did not mean it when I last saw you.

You made me toxic and I hated your guts.

But I refuse to let you change me.

for hurting you the way i did.

i was young, just a kid.

if i would of known then, what i know now.

i would of stayed, i would of been tolerant anyhow.

you wouldnt of been pained, all these years.

decades later, i am still in tears.