The laptop flickered to life, like monotone sparks flew behind the cover of the screen.

The click of the mouse echoed through the empty apartment, the sound rattled in her ears. She had memorized the exact position of the glitching folder on the screen, the one she looked at each day, even though she despised it.

The garbage disposal gurgled in the background. If only she could get rid of things like it could, if only she could destroy her memories as easily as it pulverized scraps.

As the video loaded, she inhaled a shaky breath, barely able to hold anything in, attempting to prepare for what was ahead. Why did she do this to herself? It was something she could stop, at any time. Yet here she sat, poised at the edge again.

It began.

The music, the rises and plunges of violins, had been drilled into her head. She counted, one, two, three, and the woman appeared on stage.

The woman began to dance, a smile on her face, as she moved like a ribbon in the wind.

Tears slipped down her face, scratching just the surface of the loss she felt inside.

That woman had been her once.

But she didn't know who she was anymore.

When we woke up on June 27th, I knew something was different about her. I didn’t want to say anything about it because I didn’t want her to be alarmed, though I’m sure she felt it already. I went to the kitchen and decided to make her breakfast before we watched the sunrise. Pancakes and bacon, her favorite.

We sat on our front porch swing, she laid in my arms and I held her close. We were silent as the sun rose, once it was up, I looked at her. Her eyes shining in the newly risen sunlight. I couldn’t help but say something now.

“Everytime I close my eyes at night, I’ll see this sunrise with you. When I open my eyes again, I’ll remember your emerald green eyes and soft auburn hair. No matter what I do, I’ll never forget the memory of you. And when you leave, you can take the stars and I’ll keep the moon ” I heard her softly whisper,

“I love you.” as I pulled her closer.

That night, there were no stars. Silently, I watched the moon rise, alone. But I’ll forever keep the stars in my heart.

I’ll say I regret everything and wish I’d never met you.

But the truth is I don’t.

I don’t regret our first date when I jumped in the pool with you even though it was freezing.

I don’t regret the night at the hotel my parents celebrated their wedding in when you stole a bottle of wine and popped the cork with your thumb.

And I don’t regret the seemingly thousands of times I lay my head in your chest and time seemed to suspend indefinitely.

But I do regret not truly listening to myself.

You didn’t want to keep a shirt I tried to give you. You wanted to donate it.

You were always evasive and quick to call me “beautiful” and tell me how “insanely gorgeous” I am.

But compliments are the cheap vodka of failed relationships.

I got drunk on the way you treated me and now I’m stuck with a headache.

Maybe I had it coming.

But maybe I didn’t.

I’ll curse every Fay Weber song and curse myself for all the time I spent thinking about you.

I’ll curse whiskey because of all the times I tasted it in your mouth.

Deep down in my gut, I knew.

I always did.

But I was drunk on a mixture of your cheap compliments, gestures, and Deep Eddys Lemon Vodka (I hope you taste me in every sip. Especially when you drink it with her.)

But you were sober.

And now I am too. Just left with a headache you gave me.

But every hangover goes away.

The heart stops.

The pain begins.

This is what we’re taught.

Then the pain ends.

and death begins,

but the heart can stop in sympathy too.

I’ve survived it.

When I watch you take your last breath,

I take my own.

I am gasping on death—feel you

rush through me like a hope—

like one last whispered word

right through my heart.

That’s when the tears fall.

That’s when it ruptures. Grief

like a hemmorhage. Stricken

like a woman can be stricken

by the death of her last son.

Husband isn’t alive to see it.

He’s been gone longer than the twins.

This one, the eldest, was the one who

went off to the woods,

to find that primal part of himself.

I guess they all did.

In their own way,

they each

came home to die.

Sometimes , I'd like to cry ,

to my mother ,

to my father ,

of how unfair this world is .

How ruthless this world is .

The world sucks the living souls out of children .

If you don't fit into society's rotting stigma ,

you would be deemed an outcast .

If you don't do things a certain way ,

you'd be deemed as lazy , selfish .

You can't say you have a mental illness here .

You'd just be deemed an "attention-seeker"

Or maybe you'd just be seen as pitiful ,

for coming up with such a 'lame' excuse .

An excuse to be 'weak' and cry .

But the only answer I've gotten from my parents was to

buck up .

Because the world wasn't going to wait for me .

They , weren't going to wait for me .

Sometimes I'd like to cry to my cousin .

Such a beautiful soul they were .

They were kind , understanding .

They had many dreams ,

some of which were like my own .

They were like the sibling I never had .

But now ,

we don't share the same dream anymore .

We can't share the same dream anymore .

Their soul was crushed ,

by the thoughts of people they didn't even know .

Their mind was poisoned ,

by a type of jealousy they never owned .

The worst part was how they kept it in so well .

They always laughed with me ,

like nothing ever happened .

Now that I think about it ,

I wish that I had hugged them the last time i saw them .

Really , really tightly .

Then maybe , just maybe ,

things wouldn't have turned out like how they have .

I wish that they told me ,

of all the pain they were going through .

I wish they had told me ,

how much they had fallen into darkness .

I wish they had told me ,

when they were about to leave this world .

At least I would have known they were leaving .

I wouldn't have stopped them .

Really wouldn't .

I can understand why they wanted to leave .

It was just that I didn't expect it .

Not this soon .

I didn't expect them to go so soon .

After all ,

they had so much hope in their heart ,

they had so much love to give .

How could they just get crushed like that ?

I can't accept it .

How long had they been suffering for this to happen ?

I shouldn't have left their house that night .

I could feel something was wrong .

My stomach was churning that night .

Why didn't I listen to it ?

I should have stayed with them all night .

So that they wouldn't be lonely .

I should have told them I loved them that night .

I should have comforted them that night .

If I could change one thing from my past ,

it would have been that night .

Because now ,

they aren't here to share their jokes with me ,

they aren't here to play games with me ,

they aren't here to cook with me ,

they aren't here to talk with me ,

they aren't here to share their dreams with me .

I can't even send them their favourite food anymore .

Natto .

They already left this world .

And I couldn't even say goodbye .

They spent their last days staring at a hospital ceiling .

Cold and alone .

Bleeding from the slits on their wrists .

Brain dying , due to lack of oxygen .

But I guess what is done is done .

They are gone now .

And I hope that they are relieved ,

their soul at ease ,

their mind at rest .

I hope that they will never have to remember this life of theirs .

And if they are ever reborn ,

I hope that they are in a good family ,

without any debt .

A family that can return the love they give .

Sometimes I'd like to cry to myself .

To just stop everything .

To just give up .

But unlike my cousin ,

I lack the courage to end things here .

I couldn't even stand up to my mother ,

when she cursed my cousins name after their death .

I couldn't stand up to her and say ,

" It's people like you who made them do this ."

" It's people like you who force them to come to this conclusion. "

But people like her rather believe in a god they've never met ,

than a human suffering right in front of their eyes .

People like her would rather blame everything on a god they've never met ,

"Everything happens because it is His plan"

than taking any responsibility for their careless actions .

Sometimes I'd like to cry out ,

all my anger and frustration .

But hey ,

no-one cares anyways .

So I might as well just kill them all .

They think doing suicide is SO easy .

Trust me when I say it's not .

In fact , people who suicide are the bravest people .

Not the weakest .

Let's see how they feel...to try dying once .

Then maybe they would realise ,

how all actions have consequences .

And for this

.

.

.

.

.

their consequence is me .

It took everything inside of me to not scream at your funeral

Because I'm angry at all the things I can't change

I miss the days when it was just you and me

when we played pirates by the sea

and when you held me when I scraped my knee

you told me "don't fear your whole life's in the hand of God"

I was young and thought it was odd,

but all I could do was smile and nod

I hugged you with my tiny arms and said "we'll always be together."

you looked at me with your hand on my cheek and whispered "forever."

but you lied to me, didn't you?

a small part of me knew

but I had hoped it wasn't true

you pushed me away in the end

and the space between us is something that won't mend

but I don't think I can ever truly say goodbye

If I do, it's gonna hurt worse since you're not here to hug me when I cry.

The pain starts at my toes and slowly spreads up and around my body. They said it would happen like this but they also said I had at least 3 more months left. The pain spreads into my chest causing me to wheez. I come in, lie beside mommy and daddy and start to cry as the pain makes it harder to breathe. Mommy and daddy comfort me as they know the time has come. Mommy and daddy started by wrapping me in my caramel velvet blanky, put on Michael Jackson's will you be there song and daddy carries me to the deck where I lay in Mommy and daddy's lap struggling to breathe knowing these are my last moments knowing it's my time to go. Mommy and daddy start to cry as they know their baby girl is going to die any minute with them not being able to do anything to help or ease the pain. Shakily, I raise my hands to mommy and daddy's faces and gently stroke their cheeks, wiping away their tears as I tell them it's going to be alright and that I love them. My breaths become staggered and shorter as I lay watching the sun go to sleep as I am about to fall into an infinite sleep myself. In my last moments, I hear mommy and daddy whisper all the happy memories we shared together, to weak to smile, the last tear falls down my cheek as everything fades into the bright white light where I am finally at peace and home.

Because of you who start ringing whimsically,

leaving the days full of laughter,

I’m snarling on the ceiling that was far away,

unable to move onto the next chapter

People like taking a breath today,

and just watching the days that aren’t filled with joy

This is my life-

I can only watch, and cling onto the world I wanted to destroy

More than a deep cut from a sharp blade,

the hole in my heart I didn’t know about was painful

When I opened it up, there is no name in the dictionary

I don’t give a crap, the world isn’t beautiful

Did you know that without becoming a person in the form of a person,

I loved the world that I cursed at and resented?

I’m dreaming that this heart just pulsates

They call me a pseudo-human, the name they invented

More things I can’t tell anyone, proof of human heart

Hey, this is me, don’t you get it?

You don’t have to like me if you don’t want to

You remember me, don’t you? You can hate me if you think it's fit

I taunted the words ‘love’ and ‘the future’ somewhere, what annoying words

No matter how hard I try to sing, tears are welling up my eyes

I’m helplessly lonely, holding onto this day

I wish my heart can just stop beating and dies

I have a gentle dream that makes me frightened-

call me a human, please!

I leave the days that I wanted to laugh due to your ringing

I’m snarling on that ceiling that was far away, without ease

Please, I beg you to just step on me and treat me like trash!

I couldn’t become a person in a human body

I loved the world that I cursed and resented

I was just a failed copy, so shoddy

I couldn’t become a kind person

I loved my empty life

My heart, my heart, I wish you would just stop beating

The cruel world that was filled with strife