i run everytime i come near it

leap away with the laughs and smiles

that will cover up the wounds from my panic

i cover the scars with the jackets

one look will bring me back to my thoughts

take me away from my insanity

for i hide from my mind, i fear it

and run every time i come near it

i cover the mirrors in my house.

i cover them with silken scarfs i do not wear.

the shiny reflections concealed, shrouded in darkness.

a mask for the mirrors face itself.

i wish i had a mask...

hiding, veiling myself from what is real.

i don't want to see;

i don't want to know what i've become.

i hide from my mind,

pushing it down

pretending that it's all a dream

and i'm a boat rowing gently down a stream.

i pretend that i'm alive,

but i'm only hiding from my mind

and when it finds me

it will have no mercy

all the thoughts i've been ignoring

all the pain i've caused it.

i didn't mean to.

it'll never forgive me for what

i've done.

i don't hate my mind,

i only fear it

because

its suffering

is my fault.

I hide from my mind. I fear it.

My emotions live there. I can't seem to face them.

I laugh them off, hiding them with superficial humor.

I hate how my mind won't let the pain go, how it remembers every detail of sorrow and hurt I have been through. I hate how the laughter comes out of me, like a habit I cannot rid myself of. From the outside, their words seem to bounce off of me, but they absorb, they cut deep. They pierce me from the inside and spread their vile poison through my brain.

I push the words into a space specially reserved for them, resolving to deal with them later.

Apparently, past versions of me had the same idea, as the space was long past overflowing.

As the words ooze out of their container, I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. It's uncontrollable, and that is why I fear my mind. It has full control of me, yet I have full control of it. I and my thoughts are stuck in an eternal standstill, neither of us destined to win. I walk over to the mirror and look at it. I smile widely.

Normally it works, sometimes it doesn't.

But a sure preventative is simply to hide from my mind.

Without the memories, I can't prove they exist.

And that is exactly what I want.

Isn't it?

Why did they leave you on the side of the street when you were only two years old? I don't think anyone has done anything too terrible by that age to warrant that. Maybe, I am wrong. I've been wrong before.

I think that abandonment might be one of the crueler forms of punishment. Mostly, when you think about the idea of types of punishment you also have something to go off of what that response was derived from.

When you never have the answers.... what needle in this haystack are you even really asking for?

Maybe, tonight I'll finally get some sleep. Or maybe not, it has only been thirty-something years.

There are voices whispering and shouting in my ear

the grim reaper behind the teacher.

I want it all to stop.

The voices.

So I could focus.

There are more coming; growing.

The panic is rising in my chest and I don’t know how to ask for help.

I want it all to stop.

I couldn’t disrupt the class.

The whispers of

“hey that kid in Chemistry is crazy” and

“She should be put away” and

“She's crazy, who would want to be friends with her?”

It’s not my fault.

I didn’t ask to be like this.

I can’t ask for help,

that would turn into a yell,

a shout,

a scream.

That would disrupt the class.

I’d get in trouble, kicked out.

My thoughts are spiraling, I just want it all to stop.

Make it stop.

Leave me be,

Let me have peace.

Isn’t that a basic human right?

To be at peace?

But the voices and the ghosts.

They’re in my ear and in the room and behind me and front of me and

Why won’t they leave me alone?

I raise my hand

“Can I go to the nurse?”

“The nurses can’t help you”

“The others can see the crazy”

“It’s written on your forehead can’t you see?”

“You stupid creature”

“You’re a disruption”

I wish the voices would shut up.

The grim reaper follows me

He stands with me by the nurse

“He’ll hurt you”

“Don’t trust the nurse”

“The pills are poison”

“Don’t trust, not trust”

“You got sent home, now look at what you’ve done!”

I take the pills my mother gives me

Despite the voices.

“You’re poisoning your body,”

I’m used to the voices by now

But that doesn’t make them less scary

I wish it did.

Sometimes I wish,

Most of the time I wish,

All the time I wish,

I could hide from my mind.

In the darkest corners of the globe

Where it can't find me.

Where it doesn't tell me I'm crazy

Where it doesn't say I'm going mad.

Where I can just be.

i fear it

the way it tears my body apart

i need it

mostly, i deserve it

i hide from my mind, and i hear it counting down the Time.

it will come and hunt soon

but i can't bring myself from this open, empty room.

do i want to be torn apart?

a feast for the Universe's most evolved part?

wish it could work with me,

so we could hunt other minds

and feast before the body they find.

did i ever think things through?

when it's most needed, i hide real good

can't find me in my green screen cloak

a cgi concocted hoax.

i hide from my mind

for it wishes for things my body cannot find.