my dating life had been like those lollipops that gather dust and other unmentionable particles at the dentist's receptionist's desk. you want to keep taking one, and then another one, trying to find the one with the least amount of filth to take. but they're all despicable. they all leave a bad taste in your mouth that the dentist's mouthwash can't wash out. in fact, most of them land you in a therapist's office, paying copays you can't really afford, financially or emotionally.

when I first saw him, I was walking through the rancid air of an international pandemic. it was June and lockdown was in full swing. we were supposed to meet at a coffee shop. he was waiting on the sidewalk, out of the way. later he said he had never seen a picture of me, had no idea what I looked like. he was very tall. in a weird interaction where I was forced to contend with socializing with the barista, he swung in and bought me my coffee. we went outside and talked for a long time. a bee was buzzing near my hair and I remember being distinctly worried this was off-putting for him. but the conversation was easy and I found myself feeling a sense of comfort and normalcy that hadn't been a part of my life since long before the pandemic.

this is all very sweet. I felt like a kid out after curfew, seeing this man for a date. in person! like the before times! it was all so bizarre. and yet, from that day forward, it was natural. I could just be my quirky self and I wasn't judged for it? incredible. he was a genuinely nice and interesting person? unreal. cute with a moral compass? what?

I'll never forget the moment I first saw him. how he introduced himself, casually grounded and yet serious. if the pandemic hadn't happened, we would never have met. isn't life funny that way?

I think of meeting Tyler as like finding a king sized Snickers bar in the lollipop cup. It's one thing to find it, another to realize: this is mine. forever. Maybe the pandemic was the trip to the dentist, and meeting him was finding what was mine to take all along.

(this may sound off. I'm not good at writing emotions.)

Long, long ago I don't remember when, but it was her smile. She held herself with strength and kindness. Always the strong one. I will never forget the smile, a smile I will never see again. As I am being real here, I will never see her again. Time has gone by far too long. I will never forget that smile from 10 years ago.

i would say more, but no, I think that's all I won't ever see it again.

Life moves on, all's well.

(hell that a lot of emotions the most I've had in a long while at least for authentic emotions. )

Colorado isn't just mountains

It's dust upon dust upon poor railroad towns

Straight roads for days and few people around

Those that are there- well they're tied to the ground

And keeping their cattle and sheep safe and sound

I once went a-driving out there in that land

Just hoping to see if the wonders it holds

Were true and something I could see at hand

And not just plain legends that I had been told

So driving I was on that warm summer day

A right angle turn, atlas told me to take

An hour or so made me get out and pray

For those piles of sand were not of earthly make

In short, Great Sand Dunes National Park comes out of nowhere and imprints itself on your mind for a lifetime.

Who would have thought that using a phone and deciding to say "hi!" to a person could lead to such profanity. I sure didn't expect it that day, so it shocked me. Stock still I stood beside the washing machine...after a while when it had finally sunk in that this thing actually happened. Looking down, sternly at the phone now, I thought, Ah! The audacity of this person. You want irony? After a few days, this person texted "hi" back at me after he cussed me. These kinds of situations are absolutely ridiculous, and disgraceful. Shame on those who do them. Sometimes, I really have to stop and wonder, "My Lord Jesus! What is this place coming to?!"