They used to say, “You are so alike” or “You two are the same”. Their pretext for uttering such words was valid, but they often said these things because they believed saying them would incite change. We had wronged them—I had wronged them, and their anger was warranted. But their words and my so-called doppelgänger’s actions seeped into my lungs, their noxious fumes nearly choking me. Though once amorphous, these substances took shape, clawing at my ribs and crushing my chest, their appendages begging for release. My doppelgänger is merely a doppelgänger in the way we are perceived, in the way we act. I no longer act the way she does, because time has taught me to admit when I am wrong, to come to terms with who I am, to be grateful for what I have. I move my hand up to the crown of my head and run my fingers through my hair and the girl staring back at me would do the same; my doppelgänger, however, cannot act in unison with me. We do not share a face, or eyes, or a nose. We think differently—different beings inhabiting the same place but living in distinct worlds. The beast within my chest has grown weaker and more reticent, timid and tired, over the weeks and months. But the ache of longing remains. I used to understand my doppelgänger as well as I understand the young woman in the mirror who smiles upon remembering shared laughter or playful arguments about the disputable beauty of dandelions. But now, she is a stranger.

You were gone the second I turned my back.

They always say loving is hard,

that the code can be hard to crack.

But they don’t know about the card-

The one where I told you I love you for the first time,

or the walks we took in the fresh spring air of the schoolyard.

And they don’t know that I’d spend a lifetime

trying to find someone to love the same way I loved you.

They don’t know about your last crime.

They don’t know about the things you would do-

like when you ignored me and ran into her arms.

They’ll never know about how my love for you grew

into hate and panic and alarms.

Whenever you’re around,

I have to try to forget that all your charms

were never meant to last year-round.

You were never going to stay,

You were waiting for the sound

that would let you know you could walk away.

She gladly provided,

and when you left, my world turned gray.

But maybe I was misguided,

and we weren’t meant to be star-crossed lovers,

So all that was left for us was one-sided.

It’s safe in here –

All cozy and warm,

And a part of me hates to leave it.

But while I sit here,

The world flies by,

And I know I’m missing something.

I may be safe,

But is safe worth it

When there is so much more out there?

Portal in the sky

They say it is a worm moon

And now I know why

03.08.2023

Out of Comfort Zone challenge @Demeter

My fingernails are filled with blood,

My face burns with the trails of my scratches,

My desperate attempts to dig deeper have failed,

My cocoon clings too tight to my body,

I try to cut down the threads moving my limbs, but without them I’d fall,

I try to break free from the curse given to me, but to her I am the curse itself,

I pray one day I will gather the strength to rip this façade away, but all I am is a shelter to her,

I scrub the smile away to no avail, for I am only a cover for the girl underneath,

To me there is something brighter beneath the surface,

To me there is too much of a risk bringing her out,

To others she may be a threat,

To others her light must be put out,

But my fingers itch to break free from this prison,

But my thoughts linger on the girl who’s trapped by her own light,

But still, the puppet master refuses to let me take the reins,

But I can tell he’s wavering with each futile attempt,

Because I don’t know who we’d become,

Because I don’t know what evil would corrupt us,

Because we’ve spent our whole life carefully constructing this beautiful illusion,

Because without it we’re as monotone as everyone else - we’re human,

I wish I had the courage to will this mannequin out of existence,

I wish I had the wisdom to caress the girl out of her shell without fear,

I wish I could slip my unblemished hand in her disfigured one,

I wish I could let her consume me so we can become one,

For my ligaments are tearing with the effort of holding us both inside,

For my heart can’t keep beating for the both of us,

For I know she’d do anything for me,

For she’s as afraid as I am of her seeing the outside world,

Who will break her out if not me?

Who will she cry on and who will I rely on?

Who is she going to love?

Who is going to become her safe haven?

Am I the one who has to break her out?

Am I the person who must lead her into the darkness and let her illuminate hearts?

Am I going to be forgotten as she meets new people?

Am I going to be used and thrown away?

Are they going to stay with us after they find out who we really are?

Are they going to feel the same way about us?

Are we doomed to fail after we patch up all the broken parts?

Are we too late to find out what our reflection looks like once we are one?

Should I give up?

Should I stop promising her I will bring her out of the skin I am trapping her in?

Should we keep hiding her?

Should we learn to live together?

Meet the girl who I’ve been trapping, that’s how I’ll introduce her,

Meet the person who’s hoping you’ll love her,

Meet our friends, I’ll whisper to her,

Meet the people who will always love me more than you,

Can she really beat me at what I do best?

Can she really fit into the empty space between all the other puzzle pieces?

Can she and I remain as one after others accept her?

Can she still love me after she’s gotten a taste of the body she’s in?

Run away from her, she’s uncontrollable,

Run away from her, I can’t contain her for much longer,

Run from the person who’s too broken not to pierce your skin and make you cry,

Run from the person who’s so broken she hurts herself even when she doesn’t mean to,

Run from the person who I really am.

Maybe It’s The Broken Bits I Fear  Will Amend,  And Show My Cursed Reflection.