Throw down
Start a full on brawl. Anywhere. Just wind up and throw down. Really, just to see what I'm made of when a physical response is required. Reason I haven't? Somehow I never seem to find myself anywhere near a situation where this could conceivably happen. But if I ever do...
While I'm certain that those who have been in such occasions might tell me it's not that great, I can't help but wonder, would I be as ferocious as I imagine myself to be or get roundly thumped?
I'm not even going to ask if this is normal for a 36 year old woman with a 2 year old and a love of spirituality and yoga.
Mr Timid Come Good.
Probably as a result of the manner of my upbringing I grew into a timid sort of teenager. I shied away from the big boys for fear of being laughed at, and girls terrified me so I shied away from those also.
Naturally I wanted to be one of the big boys, I wanted to prowl the school corridors and terrify the juniors, because that's what big boys did. One morning at School the Army had a recruiting team displaying their wares in the school hall so naturally I sloped along and stood at the back.
They were big, meaty guys, with shaved heads and cool uniforms, and as they gave the school a pep talk on life in the military I couldn't help but notice the girls who were agog at these military paragons of masculinity, they pursed there lips and oohed at the show of testosterone.
Then I thought - that's it! That's the life for me, so straight after leaving school I took the Queens Shilling and signed on the dotted line.
Many years later I became one of the mean ones. The ones who had perfected the look that could kill. I had grown and filled out, and my years of service had taught me not to take any shit (ask any infantryman!). We were on exercise in Calgary, Canada and I had two stripes on my arm to prove my worth. One weekend we were given passes to enter the nearby town, God knows I've long forgotten it's name, but we headed straight for the bars to show the locals how Brits hold their ale.
Anyway, after an hour or two had passed a fight broke out between myself and this Canadian dog face, in seconds everyone was going for it as the fists and teeth flew everywhere, it all was stopped by the bouncers but not before I'd laid out two knuckle heads who thought they were Jack Shit.
Afterwards I became a local hero among the Company, I'd made it, I was a big boy.
Tell someone, anyone who has the power to give me support, all the things I would like to change about myself. Not just the usual "oh, my face isn't perfect enough" and all that usual jazz, but I'm talking about the stuff that changes your whole outlook. Like the clothes I wear or the style of my hair.
Eventually I just need to realize that this is my life, and in the end I'm the one stuck in this body. But it sure as hell would be easier when you have an army backing you up, but I guess it's not entirely impossible to do these things alone.
Come what may...
I have always wanted to not have a plan, to turn off the organizer in my brain. To have a week of wandering aimlessly from one thing to another without choosing or deciding what is wise. The freedom from always knowing what the right thing to do is, and then following that voice. The ability to not be compelled to put those I love first, and instead just "be" in a moment, and move forward without constant thought regarding this, that or whatever. It sounds so delicious when described as it is above.... Now if I could only stop making the list on what the downside to this would be! To just come what may.....
Maybe someday
Little more..
Little more..
Aaaaaaannnd there
Perfect
At least in my head
It seems so far away
Although close enough
To feel a heart beating fast
Should I go or stay
My distance never amounts
To much
I bet chickens
Have more guile to me
Eaten by day
And swallowed like tea
And me?
I jdon't have the nerve
So simple
Do what you feel
Easy, no?
Isn't that what it should seem?
I'm only just a man
But I'm a man
As they would say
And fear isn't what I should show
Even though it's all I know
The man
A boy dressed in a suit
Makes the first move
The boy
Has to be the one
That's strong
Completely, gut wrenchingly
Wrong
Is it too much to ask for?
To feel as though I live
My voice always a roar
And yet with nothing to give
My heart goes out
Like a gasp leaves an ass
But it's there
Just the same if you'd ask
No need for you to shout
I'm right here
Listen to eyes
Hidden inside my words
Can't you see me calling
To finally meet you
Face to face
Don't leave me hanging