"Be thankful you woke up today, for God let you live another day."

Fuck this.

FUCK. THIS.

Fuck God.

FUCK GOD FOR TAKING CREDIT OF EVERY ACCOMPLISHMENT I EVER MAKE. HE WASNT THE ONE WHO LET ME LIVE- I WAS. I AM THE ONE WHO SAYS IF I GET TO LIVE OR NOT. I WAS THE ONE WHO DIDNT GUZZLE DOWN PILLS LAST NIGHT- NOT HIM.

IM SICK AND TIRED OF GOD BEING SEEN AS THE CONTROLLER OF ME. I AM MY OWN PERSON. I AM NOT RULED BY A HYPOCRITICAL BASTARD WHO LET'S HIS CHILDREN SUFFER. I AM TRULY RULED BY THE SHADOWS IN MY THOUGHTS AND THE DEMONS IN MY BRAIN THAT GOD COULD NEVER SAVE ME FROM.

FUCK OFF, 'GOD', BECAUSE YOU ARENT AS POWERFUL AS YOU LET PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE. YOURE TERRIFIED OF LETTING PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY ARE THEIR OWN GODS AND THAT THE POWER TO SURVIVE AND TO CHANGE AND DESTROY LIES WITHIN THEM. BUT YOURE JUST A TYRANT RULING OVER A KINGDOM OF A WEAKENED SPECIES.

BUT GUESS WHAT, GOD? EVERY KINGDOM HAS A LIFECYCLE AND THIS ONE IS ABOUT OVER. WHY DONT YOU LET US LIVE IN PEACE FOR THE TIME THATS LEFT AND GO FUCK UP SOMEWHERE ELSE.

God, what's wrong with me?

God, I'm bored.

God, what the heck happened with my lunch?

God, I'm hungry...

God, wait, why's she coming towards me?

God, do I know her?

God, have I seen her somewhere?

God, she's standing right next to me now.

God, she's talking to me.

God, why's she saying this?

God, I don't think I'm that great, gosh.

God, I think she's exaggerating.

God, she asked me out.

God, she's complimenting me!

God, I liked that tea place we went to.

God, I think I kinda like her.

God, she asked me to be her soulmate.

God, I said yes.

--

--

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God, what's up in Heaven?

God, I'm doing fine too.

God, I buried my sixth wife today.

God, can you hear me?

Because if you can't, God, then I must be going crazy.

i've called you every night

but you haven't even texted back

much less left a message

i wonder if i even have

the right number

there was no hand to

wipe away my tears

aside my own and where were you

when i left sixteen voicemails

in a single hour?

was it too clingy of me

to ask for a word of encouragement

was i asking too much

to want for things to be okay

i don't understand why

you never respond

maybe you're just not

getting any signal?

everyone says that you

always text back

even if the words come out garbled

but how can i heed a message

that i never received?

and you know what?

i'm starting to think that

you blocked my number.

My heart takes another blow

Woah

Where am I?

Why have I stumbled?

Because I looked for you,

You said you'd never leave me so why do I feel alone?

And if I would've stopped listening to the people in the church and simply listened to what God was trying to tell me.

"Church folk"

What I always heard growing up

"Need to get in the church"

But it was never about the church at all

never about the people

never about the hypocrites that acted as though they were something they weren't

It was always about the

Message

The spirit

The relationship I had with God

But what do I do when everything I've been told is a lie

And trying to figure it out alone is so hard

Do you know what happened?

I went online and met a person and a few months later he asked me if I could be his heart and I said yes and then I loved him so much and he loved me too and he said I made him happy when he was sad and he was always sad except when he was with me so I was so grateful that I got to meet him and save him because now he was my saving grace too and I was so happy to be with someone who truly loved me and cared about me and then three months later he just goes like "can we not be soulmates anymore?" and I keep on the happy facade and reply "of course, if that's what's best for you" and two months later my friends know nothing and think I'm still hearts with a boy I've never met but now I still look forwards to August 30th because then I have an excuse to love this excuse of a person who hates himself and hates everyone around him but I love him anyways and I can't do anything about it.

God, my life is weird.

Dear God,

You've had my back for all this time. I mean, I guess. You never replied to my endless monologues, but I never got cancer or anything. I consider you my friend, actually. You know all of my secrets and desires. All of them. And that's a lot. So, what I'm trying to tell you is: I'm leaving you. Don't take it personally, though. Allow me to use a cliche and say: it's not you, it's me. You see, we've been through a lot but recent events have been mean to us. I hope you don't get mad, and I know you might want a reason why I'm leaving you. Well, here it is: I'm dead and alone in a pit that smells like mold. And you are nowhere to be found.

Intrepid wonderer atop the apex of universal dominion.

There is light here, but too shadow - shadow which fleets and hides beneath the glimmering pillars of entrenched glory; ringing eternity.

Loneliness plays upon a golden harp, and envy keeps her company; while throngs of angels play alongside demons in a gallant show of pomp and pageantry.

Cool as ice and warm as a lover's kiss.

Here, in the realm of seraphim and omnipotence reigns everything and nothing, fading lost in the blink of an eye.

Eternity flashes and passes, bleeding red into another page of another song.

Ensconced in golden hues and paling yellows, cradled in the comfort of adoring love and raging hatred unbent, sits and sinks the one above everything.

Broken.

God Stands Omniscient.

In the court room - Motley stench, demonic crew: “Kill him the guilty one!” Just like us. Why will you let him free? You, Judge of earth and heaven? You condemned angels, and spirits like us to hell and eternal fire. Will you, O Judge of all creation, make exception? Surely, you shall not be hypocritical – a sin itself?”

Sneer and spit, curse, they blaspheme in face of Almighty God.

Devils Hate Mankind

Demon spirits. Death, foul odor.

Hateful, murderous,

Hateful of man, image of God created.

Skillful their lies and deceit.

Invisible, active, free in earth’s atmospheres, on land,

With havoc, . . . pain, . . . confusion, . . . violence, grief,

Attacking man.

God is Salvation

There man stands before eternal judge.

Ignorant of history and truth - no defense.

Human flesh. Wrinkled and weak, distant offspring of Adam and Eve,

Of earth and dust.

Condemned for death as proclaimed, “Dust you are and to dust shall you return.”

Silence in the courtroom. Hell's rabble, deafening accusations.

Defenseless. Advocate-less.

Cold chamber . . . Heat of Hell.

Defendant stands. Hopeless,

Cries, “Save me. Understand me. Love me."

"Forgive me."

God Is Love

Soft warmth. Bright entity surrounds with fragrant perfume,

A Lily of the valley, a Rose of Sharon.

Ethereal Entity takes your side, Man.

His robe placed upon you,

We the accused.

It is He, Love Himself . . .

God, in human form:

"Father, Holy One, I stand condemned in his place,

I bear his penalty. I die in his place.

I love him."

“You are my Son.

Your sacrifice of death has ransomed him for eternal life.”

Evil Exists . . . Heaven Exists -

Rabble of hell screams, through centuries

Torments man since fall of creation

“Yield the prisoner for eternal death!"

Angelic guards of invisible kingdom yet to come

Protecting, guiding

God Is Truth . . . God is Faith -

“Come in, into my son’s kingdom

I will love you forever.”

Grace . . . Redemption, ancient words

Forgotten truths

Newness to come,

Invisible kingdom here . . .

Coming kingdom

Earth restored, Paradise returned . . .

Streaming tears . . .

Heart filled joy

God Is Life Eternal -

Convulsed weeping of love,

Gratitude, faith: trust in the unseen

Who cannot believe?

He speaks truth, all can hear

Angels carry you across light's threshold

Transformed newness and light . . .

Face of the Christ, God's Son

Look deep into Salvation’s eyes

This is who God is.

God, I've sent you prayers. Just like you asked.

God, I've sent you emails.

God, I've left voicemails.

God, I've sent you texts.

I sent you words I labored over, I sent you my tears, I sent you my love, I sent you my devotion.

But nothing came.

Nothing.

Not a sign, not a word, not a ray of sunshine.

If you loved all your children the same, why did you talk to people thousands of years ago, but not today? Cause God, you haven't sent anything back to my friends either.

Why, when the world is worse today, do you not try to help us? When people murder and rape and steal, why don't you stop them? Why aren't you helping us?

I can now say you a hypocritical ass.

You want our love, our faith, yet you can't return it. You gave us orders and we followed them, yet there was nothing. You can't even tell us you're real.

You get our hopes up. Then you let us down. But you threaten us. That is not love. You have crossed that line a long time ago. You just hate us now.

You know no bounds. You control us for what? Your own sick pleasure, like a bully with an ant farm.

I am fucking sick of it. I don't care if you feed me, come near me again and I'll bite you. I'm tired of not mattering and waiting for something instead of doing it myself.

So goodbye God. I don't believe in lies anymore.

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle" while I sit in a pool of tears wondering how the hell i am going to get through this next week.

"God supplies all our needs" while I've watched the Utility company come and turn our electricity off.

"God can work a miracle" while the amputees continue to be limbless.

"God will guide" while I choose my own path of success.

"God will never leave you or forsake you" although I wonder where the hell he was when my daughter was being molested.

"Where God guides he provides" for embezzlers of big corporations.

"Oh God"

Oh gawd!

Puke.