Ribbons of Shame
Flash flood reflections
slit and rent my life sparks.
My conscience is rinsed
by wails of guilt.
I lie face down
on ribbons of shame.
My soul sneaks down back street
trashed with contrition.
Limbs flail in frenzied motion,
trying to outrun dishonor.
I yell, “Wait for me,
don’t run so fast!”
In the cold, driving rain
I wrap my sin
like a shawl
around shaking shoulders
selling out my words
to the wind.
My face is framed
by white lamb innocence
but is black sheep sordid inside.
Remove the veneer
of my disguise
and you’ll see
my disgrace -
unfolding mystery
dying at daybreak
resounding
with twisted pain
of my guilty secret
as evil is harbored
within hollow heart
and my last goodbye.
the teenage boy
i met a religious girl once
she said she loved me
my heart would light up seeing her
she said she loved me
i would smile at her at church
she said she loved me
and she would smile back so pretty
she said she loved me
i introduced myself and said hi
she said she loved me
i met her dad and shook his hand
she said she loved me
i asked her to dinner and we danced
she said she loved me
she held my clammy hand
she said she loved me
i was astounded someone so beautiful
she said she loved me
could be mine
she said she loved me
we snuck out once at 4am, sunrise
she said she loved me
i kissed her under the orange glare
she said she loved me
she grinned when i got her flowers
she said she loved me
she started spending her time with me
she said she loved me
she would cheer loudest at my games
she said she loved me
and yell at the refs, defending me
she said she loved me
she was never embarrassed by me
she said she loved me
i broke my leg and she was by my side
she said she loved me
she always said helping was God's way
she said she loved me
i told her i loved her
she said she loved me
when we watched the stars together
she said she loved me
she wanted to wait until marriage
she said she loved me
so we could have all of each other
she said she loved me
and every piece of me could be hers
she said she loved me
she surprised me once with a picnic
she said she loved me
we shared spaghetti
she said she loved me
and kissed lady and the tramp style
she said she loved me
she would let me pick movies
she said she loved me
she didn't mind that i was broke
she said she loved me
she called me her heaven on earth
she said she loved me
she hugged me when my dad died
she said she loved me
she held me when i cried
she said she loved me
i started drinking and she stopped me
she said she loved me
she said i was perfect
she said she loved me
and she could never stop loving me
she said she loved me
but my heart felt so dark
she said she loved me
one day her friend came onto me
she said she loved me
i fucked her best friend
she said she loved me
and i told her
and she wished she didn't love me
she said she loved me
and i broke her heart.
for what?
My Onus
Sometimes I surrender
Inebriation conceals this shame
A fear so omnipresent the knees tremble
Daylight will come again
The demon will resurface
It is in my reflection
This secret a load I haul
Constantly
If ever unveiled
Reproach inevitable
My peccability
So grotesque
This burden my companion
The accomplice of my permanent
Disguise
So sometimes I surrender
Inebriation shrouds my reality
For this guilt corrodes
And one day I will retreat
And then
Perish
Promises, promises.
Looking back,
I wondered why they
Were all whispering
Like they had some secret.
I didn’t know for years.
I was the one who threatened,
“Don’t treat your friend like that!”
And thought you’d hated me
All that time.
You kept hiding
Whenever I said hi to you.
You said I’ll make a house,
You’ll live with me
this is our space,
We can’t hug,
Keep in touch so give me your address,
I’ll show you my school,
Don’t forget to write back.
You grew taller than me.
I almost spit my drink
When I realized your innocent joke,
Talking the same as always,
that you remember this promise
I didn’t agree to.
Yet, why do I keep looking back
To see when you’ll forget
All the things you said?
Maybe then, I’ll let it go.