I was like a dog, missing him when he was not home. A day without him felt like an eternity. I needed to write down how much he meant to me, how much I needed him to complete me and my meager existence.

It took all day to write the poem.

"What is this?" he asked.

"It’s for you," I said, as hopeful and shy as a child gifting her artwork. It had meant so much to me.

He stared at it, his lips moving slowly, his head tilted to one side.

"What does it mean," he said finally and I snatched the paper from his grip. 

He yelled out and there was blood on his finger where the paper cut. 

"What the hell," he said. "Psychotic bitch."

I lashed out at him and he punched me in the stomach and I doubled over, gasping for air, hands clutching my stomach in an attempt to contain the fire.

"Fuck," he said. "I’m sorry, babe."

He moved forward, hands outstretched, and I hissed at him, a wild cat snarl that sounded strangled from my vocal cords and he stopped. I turned around, still half-bent, and walked into our bedroom like an old crone and lay down on the bed. 

I hurt all over.

The poem stayed crumpled in my fist.

Oh, I brought you into the great country

Oh, I put a roof over your head

Oh, I fed your starving belly

Oh, I paid all the bills

            I did

THIS And THIS

            And 

          THAT

I 

Am

The Hero!!

But the fact is!

You ruined my entire life

You put me into an isolated cell

You fed me unhealthy greasy food 

And caused me to lose my own business

YOU

.

TOOK

.

MY

.

FREEDOM!!

And your “Hero-ness” is nothing but hero complex.

You didn’t love me. You loved my appearance. 

When I asked you; why do you love me?

You answered; you’re handsome.

And continued to petting me 》》》》》[STOP!]

. . .

I’ll get off here. 

#her #hero #complex #abusive #relationship

your words are like swords 

your form fist with your stares 

you press down on my skin 

you leave tattoed imprints 

of pain 

you tear my heart into 

you charged battery against my brain 

you wrap me in your lies 

you tie a rope to my neck and lead me astray 

your an  attention whore

you get inside the brain 

and implant maggots 

that gnaw at my soul 

you presence is like a ghost and lingers on my skin 

you collect my tears and bathe in them 

you charge me guilty in the courtroom 

you manipulate reality 

you drop blood from my heart 

your sorrys are toothfaced 

you push me down into the ground 

you kiss my wrist and pull me into you 

and pat my head 

and tell if I behaved better I wouldn´t be treated this way

you suck on my breast 

suckle down my salty tears and woes 

you crawl in a fetal postion 

when I get up and stand straight and curse your fucking ass out 

you tell me I make the hard times harder 

you toil long hard hours in your room 

laying in the bed 

I pour all my passion in you 

I harvested my hopes in you 

begging you to give me life 

make me feel alive 

all you did was make me feel dead 

I kissed your lips 

and I breathed in carbon dioxide 

I work so damn hard to save this fragile 

story from falling apart 

I wasted my winter break pouring bucket of tears into the phone to get you to understand I love you , But you hurt me 

I built the walls from love sweat and blood 

and tears 

trying so fucking DAMN HARD TO SAVE YOU 

FROM DROWNING ALONE 

so shit I took the rope that you lead me on and tied a break to it 

and sunk deep in the river of pain 

praying you come home and fall into my arms 

and we pull back the seams of the curtain 

and let the love flow in you 

I tried tdamn it 

why the hell wasn´t I good enough 

why did you have to hit me 

and not her 

why did you have to choke me in front everyone  

shit I am sorry that your scared to lose me 

but you already lost me 

your lying next to a ghost 

I fall in asleep in my coffin 

I fall asleep to another lie this was love 

and that you loved me 

I was the butt of the joke in this romance 

a mere jester something to laugh at 

are laughs conjoined and high pitched 

sway and fall in line with each other 

are hands wrapped into each other's part 

I was the actress 

you were the actor 

but what I didn´t know I was the supporting actress ......................

She didn't know why she married him, didn't know why she put up with him day after day. Didn't know why she hadn't listened to her parents. Or why she put up with him day after day.

     Maybe because, deep down inside of her, she still loved this man who treated her like...nothing.

     She pulls in a deep breath, and turns away, letting the tears fall for forgotten promises and lost love.

Thoughts sail away in loosely packed barrels

tucked within gunpowder and fine silks and 

beside the rum.  Whether by sunken ship

or port, I am split from them now 

until the time I wear away and reside

beside the other bones.

My heart slips away with the pink moon

that parts the horizon like Moses the sea;

dawn shatters the night like broken glass

and my heart is only one of the shards left

beside the murky puddles.  Whether by 

broom or rain, I am split from it

until the time I wear away and reside

beside the other bones.

Handsome commandeer who steers the ship and

shoots the gun, rob my chest of organs

until again departs the sun.  I've nothing left

to give you but my meager, meek backbone

so fare me well; let me reside

beside the other bones.

Heroin loved me. 

The moment the needle pierced the scrubbed red skin in the crook of my elbow, I knew she was a little weary, but when I pressed down and an explosion of relief and ecstasy shoved me off of the edge of stress and into the loving arms of absolution, it was clear she had grown fond of me.

Staying in bed with her after felt like coming home, and when that glorious feeling eventually fled, my palms began itching for her. I was falling in love, hard and fast.

Life crashed and crumbled after that, sputtering to a grinding halt, but I didn't blame her once. She was there for me through it all, my beautiful white lady. During my lows; during my highs; during the roller coaster of events that at one point might have consumed me. 

Even when I ceased cleaning my arm and the syringe before slipping it into the warmth of my body because it no longer seemed as important, she loved me. Even as I slowly cut all connection with my family members because they didn't approve of her, she loved me. Especially when my teeth began to ache, like they were planning a jailbreak the next time I fell asleep with heroin in my arms, she loved me.

Sure, there were negative aspects that came with it, but I didn't care. She accepted me, she cared for me, she let me know that no matter what happened or who left, her feelings would never change.

Laying on that bed from years before, recreating the world shaking events, I stare at the crusted dirt clinging desperately to under my chipped nails. Vision closing in, breath escaping me in uneven gasps, final fleeting thoughts sweep past consciousness. 

I'm hers, and she's mine.

Isn't it true love when you're willing to die for it?

Bruises heal. Scars don't.

She still wears the scars from her previous relationship.

She is broken, and I am just picking up the pieces.

I love her and she knows that.

However she can't help her anxiety.

She can't help that she gets jealous.

She been hurt too many times

Her trust been broken too many times

She been cheated on too many times

She been hit too many times to count.

When I tell her I love her,

She doubts it, she can't help it.

When I tell her that she beautiful,

She thinks that I have an agenda.

She wonders why I am still here.

Why I look at her darkness and don't run away.

She wonders why I hold her tight,

Even though she crying for the umpteenth time.

Oh but I love her, with all her flaws and imperfection.

I don't see her past, I see a future with her.

When I speak sweetly, these words are foreign to her.

When we make love, she is surprised by my gentle touch, it is during these moments when she holds on to me tightly. What had once been a loveless act, in a loveless marriage, is now an enflamed act of passion.

But then she becomes scared, for she not accustom to a good thing, so she runs away.

However I catch her every time. For regardless of all her presumed imperfection, she is mine, and only mine.

My bones are healed

Bruises all gone

Thanks for the PTSD though,

Oh and the Brain injury that

gave me Epilepsy for the rest of

my life that was a nice touch.

Did you think I would let you

Stop me from raising my children

and living a life?

Did you think your manipulation

And lies was going to keep me from

Being the awesome strong amazon

that I am?

WOW!

Were YOU wrong!

HERE I AM BABY!

BEAUTIFUL,

STRONG,

WITHOUT YOU!

WARNING: This spoken word piece has adult content (rated R for violence and excessive use of the glorious F word), because abuse just needs a rough mouth and a rough language for all it's dirty edges. 

TAKE A STAND:

You think it’s cool to hit women

back ‘em up against a door and start screamin’ at ’em

punch a hole in the wall, watch ’em duck out the way

as the tears start streamin’ down their face,

hopin’ it would be a different day,

another life where she’d have a knife in her hand

shut you the fuck up and make her stand

cut your throat and watch you bleed

watch you fall down to your knees,

sittin’ on the ground sayin’ baby please,

stop this right now can’t you see

all this stabbin’s hurtin’ me

baby please, I gave you all – that I had

look in my eyes and see I’m sad

I’m sorry baby I know I’ve been bad

can’t we just try, try to forgive

we’ve got this whole damn life to live

He’ll fall to the ground, drown in his blood

ruin her brand new homemade rug,

but she just won’t give a damn,

cuz today was the day she fucking made her stand

But today’s not that day and tomorrow neither,

cuz today she’s a hoe and a lyin’ cheater

and there’s nothing she can do to change his ways,

cuz today’s the day he decided to beat her

cuz you can’t forgive a fucking lyin’ cheater

gotta put her in her place and it’s not in the kitchen

gotta fuckin’ teach this fuckin’ bitch a lesson

smack her in the face and watch her cry

she looks like she deserves to die

so pitiful pathetic on the ground,

she looks like a baby crawlin’ around

nowhere to go she’s stuck inside,

where you goin’ bitch there’s nowhere to hide,

come back here and take your beatin’,

you know you deserve it, cuz I know you been cheatin’

and while she’s down there on the floor,

she’ll think about goin’ to the corner store,

ask for a gallon of gasoline,

ask for the matches as she turns to leave,

burn all the rubber on her tires,

speedin’ home to set the house on fire!

…all her stuff, will burn with him

and she’ll have to start all over again,

but she just won’t give a damn,

cuz today was the day she fuckin’ made her stand

But today’s not that day and tomorrow neither,

cuz today she’s a hoe and a lyin’ cheater

and there’s nothing she can do to change his ways,

cuz today’s the day he decided to beat her

cuz you can’t forgive a fuckin lyin’ cheater

you gotta beat - the lesson - into her,

cuz this fuckin’ bitch just won’t learn,

Why you gotta go and make me beat you,

you know I hate it, I really do,

I just gotta do what I gotta do

Where you goin’ bitch, I got your shoes

Her hand slips off - of the door,

as he drags her - across the floor,

he keeps repeatin’ that she asked for more

cuz last week she was a little whore,

she doesn’t know what he’s talkin’ about

she opens her lungs and she tries to shout

his hands on her throat no air will come out

and as she’s choking tryin’ to breathe

she’ll think about how great it’d be

to get the rope down off the shelf

and make him tie it around himself

take the noose around his neck

and hang him back off of the deck

and when the policeman finally came

she wouldn’t even have to try and explain

she wouldn’t even have to try and hide

cuz all her actions are justified

and even if she went to jail

and there was no one to post her bail,

she just wouldn’t give a damn,

cuz today was the day she fuckin’ made her stand

But today’s not that day and tomorrow neither,

cuz today she’s a hoe and a lyin’ cheater

and there’s nothing she can do to change his ways,

cuz today’s the day he decided to beat her

cuz you can’t forgive a fucking lyin’ cheater

cuz today’s the day he decided to beat her

cuz you can’t forgive a fuckin lyin’ cheater

but today’s the day she’s gonna make her stand

cuz some motherfucker’s need to understand

che-che

boom

May pulled up in front of Eric's townhouse, one of many on the tree-lined street, at half past ten. Her long drive across country had finally ended, and she was glad to finally be getting out of the car. She smoothed her long black hair and checked her reflection in the mirror. It had been years since she had seen Eric, and even though she had no romantic interest in him, she still wanted to look a little bit hot to him.

She rang the doorbell and waited. His excited voice chimed, “Just a minute!” from the other side of the door. She laughed and listened to him scramble with the locks. He opened the door, and before she had a chance to take in his six foot four frame, he snatched her up in a hug and lifted her from the floor. She felt overwhelmed by his physical power, unable to control the moment as he simply flopped her around in the air like a little girl.

“Hey!” He growled, his mouth close to her ear. As her feet found the floor, she found herself backing away from him slightly. She appreciated his enthusiasm, but felt powerless and a bit confused.

“Hey,” she replied shyly, looking up at him. At five foot six, May's slender but athletic frame was dwarfed in the foyer by Eric's hulking body. He obviously still works out regularly, she thought to herself, admiring the definition she could see in his biceps and pecs through his gray t-shirt.

Eric had been May's college boyfriend, long ago, when they were both very young and-- she imagined-- very different. Life had taken them on different paths, so it was funny to her to find herself back in the same town, back in his life, crashing for the night on his floor.

“How was your drive? I'm so glad to have you in town!” He gushed as he ushered her inside. His house was nice, clean, kind of preppy, an interesting reflection of the man he had become. And though there were a few more creases in his face and his cheeks had lost their boyish baby fat, he still seemed to be in many ways the same guy May had known so many years before.

They sat and chat over a beer, catching up on the last decade of life. The conversation was facile and they found they easily fell into familiar patterns with each other, making up for lost time. Soon the beer was done, the chat subsided, and it was almost midnight. Eric took her upstairs and blew up a little air mattress for her in his study. After apologetically giving her a sleeping bag to sleep in, he said goodnight and shut the door.

May took off her pants and turned off the light. She slid into the sleeping bag and settled into the pillows, taking care to set the alarm on her phone so she would be up on time for her meeting in the morning. Her lids grew heavy and she slowly drifted off into sleep.

The first thing she felt was his hand close around her throat. She sputtered awake and tried to sit up in the darkness, but the heavy hand quickly returned her torso to the floor with a thud. The steady pressure below her jaw grew uncomfortable and scary. She realized that she was quite zipped into the sleeping bag and struggled to free one of her hands. As she moved her shoulder to get her arm out, she swung her hand around wildly, finding his face with her nails and digging in.

“Fuck!” he yelled, angry.

She remembered this game from their college days, the one where he would try to dominate her. It was one of many sexual games they had enjoyed long ago. She had forgotten that he was into rough sex! She could feel herself getting turned on, a hot ache growing between her legs as she wrapped her mind around what was going on. If he wanted to fuck her, she decided, she wasn't going to be an easy lay. That was for damn sure.

She quickly moved to find the zipper in the dark. As soon as she moved, he was on her, pulling her hair from behind. She screamed out in pain, but kept her hands searching frantically for the zipper. Her fumbling fingers traced the raised metal teeth to the top, finally finding the metal pull tab. He was dragging her by the hair across the room toward the door. She moved the zipper down as quickly as she could and tried to roll away from him. His grip on her was strong, however, and she found herself on her feet, bent over at the waist, with him pulling her face down toward the door. She tried to drag her feet against his momentum, but found that, again, he was just too strong for her to even think of overpowering. So, instead, she began to move with him, quickly gaining speed and shoving him into the door. The knob jabbed him in the kidney and he let out a small yelp of pain. He was seething now, completely wanting to take her, fuck her, push her face into the carpet and pound his manhood into her, holding her wrists uncomfortably behind her. He pushed her away in aggravation and she went flying across the room, bumping into the corner of the desk with her thigh before crumpling to the floor.

He was on her again in almost seconds, but this time she was a little more prepared. Her eyes had adjusted to the minimal light and she was completely alive, every synapse firing, all instinct and primal rawness. Her thin fingers wrapped themselves around an object on the desk, a letter opener, and when he pounced she let its thin metal pierce the flesh on the right side of his abdomen. He jumped back in surprise. It would only be minutes now before he would just completely dominate her, snatching her up like a rag doll and fucking her until she couldn't see straight. She could almost smell

his cock inside his shorts at this point, her senses were so keen.

“You fucking crazy bitch!” he snarled, putting his finger to the blood dripping from his side. Their eyes met and she smiled a crazed smile that egged him on. Come get me, it taunted, come fuck me if you can. He was alpha male, to be sure, but she was alpha female and unwilling to acquiesce. If he was indeed to have her, she would go down kicking and screaming. And he really liked that. He could feel his cock growing massive as he realized what he had finally found: a worthy opponent.

He took a step toward her, but May had picked up his wooden desk chair. With his second step she threw the chair at him, winding him a bit. He snatched the chair up in one hand and swung it in her direction. It hit her side and knocked her to the floor.

He pinned her to the ground and was able to feel her heart pounding in her chest through her thin t-shirt. His bare chest lay on top of hers and he struggled to keep her still enough so that he could use one of his hands to grab her tits. Each time he tried to use one hand to hold both of her wrists, she would wrench one hand free and claw at him. He could feel the scratches all across his chest, neck and arm. He would look like hell tomorrow, he thought, but he'd have one hell of a story.

He was finally able to subdue her enough to get his hand up her shirt. He grabbed her tits roughly, pinching the nipples hard and pulling on them. He heard a murmur of pain or pleasure-- he never could tell with her-- which aroused him further. His now dripping cock was wedged between her writhing legs, both still covered in clothing but beginning in their own way to find one another. He couldn't tell if her hips were bucking to force him off of her or to show him how much, how hard, she wanted him to lay into her.

He got his answer when her knee grazed his nut, sending vibrations of pain from his head to his toes. He was angry again, and so fucking horny, and he grabbed her breast harder this time, causing her to actually scream. He pulled the shirt away from her chest, enjoying the ripping sound as the fabric fell away to leave her breast exposed. Her tits, round and high, glowed in the minimal light. His mouth found her nipple and began to suck, lick and play. He could feel her body change. Her breath quickened, then slowed, as the hot feeling of his tongue began to melt her inhibitions. As he circled the aereolas with his tongue, he began to feel the situation shifting. May, he knew, loved pleasure, and if he could just get her turned on enough, she would stop fighting him and just accept the thorough thrashing she was in for.

But where was the fun in that? He thought. Where was the challenge? His tongue moved quickly, vibrating her nipple and sending sharp streaks of sensation to her pussy. His hands began to move downward, quickly finding their way inside of her wet cotton panties and sliding one finger inside her fat pussy lips.

Now, she thought, yanking on the electrical cord she held in her hand. The lamp and computer monitor came crashing off the desk and hit Eric in the head. He fell to one side, startled and in a lot of pain. May grabbed the monitor cable and wrapped it around his neck, bringing herself to kneeling behind him. He could feel her breasts, sticky with sweat and his saliva, against his broad back. He smiled.

He leaned back forcefully and felt her body crash into the wall behind her. After that he was able to easily remove the cord from his neck and get back to the work of fucking the taste out of her mouth. He hadn't even been inside of her yet, he realized, frustration growing in him.

He rose to his feet, pulling her up with him. She tried to run for the door, and he grabbed at her hair. It slipped right through his fingers though and she sprinted to the door to the study and flung it open.

As she moved to the stairwell, he tackled her. She fell down the stairs, bumping her head against the wall on the landing. She sat back on her heels and shook her head, still in a bit of shock. He matter of factly pulled her to her feet, pushed her dripping panties to one side, and pulled out his stiff cock. The tackle had reminded him of his high school football days and brought him back to full erectness. He easily slid himself into her from behind, her body hugging the wall. He could feel her tight wet pussy drawing his cock all the way into her depths. One hand held her face firmly against the wall, the other cocked her leg up on one side to help him drive deeper into her. She was moaning, maybe crying, but all he could feel was her squishy walls taking him in. He closed his eyes and breathed a deep sigh of relief for finally getting his cock somewhere good. For a moment he could feel her soft, fleshy pussy pulling his foreskin further back, exposing his deliciously sensitive tip as it probed into her.

May felt a little disoriented from the fall, and more so from the fuck. His cock felt so fucking good, rammed hard into her from behind as her narrow hips pushed into the bannister.

But how dare he, she thought, fuck me without eating me out!

She managed to get one of his fingers into her mouth with her tongue, pretending to suck on it like a nice little horny girl. She licked his finger, rolled her tongue around, tasting her own pussy juices on it. It made her want to suck him off for real, to feel him fuck her mouth the same way he was fucking her tight little hole.

She bit his finger with all her might, and he screamed. His dick fell out of her and he was so shocked by the intense pain that he back slapped her. She fell to the bottom of the stairs now, landing on her side. She rolled onto her back and pulled her drenched panties down, slipping one foot out and leaving them dangling from her right ankle.

“Eat me, eat me, eat me...” She whined, writhing on the floor and opening her legs. Her glistening pussy looked irresistible, wet with want and the juices from his own cock. “Eat me, eat me...” She repeated, using her fingers to open her vagina up for his full viewing. He wanted back in, but he would gladly pay the piper first.

He dropped to his knees and sidled up to her cunt. Her clit was engorged, a little tiny dick thrusting out from the soft thicket of pubic hair. Fuck, the thought as the reality of her pussy came back to him, she smells so fucking good! He nestled his face between her legs, smelling her from her treasure trail down to her asshole, before using his tongue to part her juicy labia. His tongue found her slit and he tongue-fucked her briefly before coming up and wrapping his lips around her clit like a baby around his bottle. As her moans grew, just kept on sucking her off, letting one of his fingers find its way back inside her. He began to finger fuck her, slowly at first, then harder and faster, all the while working his sloppy pink tongue on her clit. She was squirming with pleasure and close to coming, so he started to finger fuck her harder, shoving his hand into her with the force of an uppercut.

And then she came, thrusting her hips spastically into his face. He tried to keep licking her, but she was too sensitive and pulled away, drawing her legs up underneath her. She gave him a wry smile and stood up. “Thank you,” she said, pulling her panties onto her left foot and up over her pulsating vagina. She walked with a just-came saunter into his kitchen to get a glass of water. She was tilting her head back to get the last few drops when he came in.

It took minimal force to shove her from the kitchen into the dining room, bouncing her lithe body off the fridge. There, he simply bent her over the Ethan Allen dining set and pounded his dick into her. When she struggled, he just fucked her harder, loving the screams, knowing there would be bruises all over her pelvis where the sharp wooden edge met the crease of her hips, but not fucking her any gentler because of it. Payback was a bitch, he determined, and this little bitch was going to get hers.

When he felt his semen creeping up inside him, he pulled his thick cock out of her. Smiling to himself, he tried to fit it in her asshole. He pulled her tight little raisin crack open by spreading her ass cheeks apart with his palms and using some spit to work his dick into her back door. Try as he may, he couldn't force his big cock into her tiny asshole, though he thought he might die trying. His orgasm was welling up in him and he still couldn't fit himself in her wriggling ass. He managed to get the very tip of the tip in line, but she wasn't opening up for him. And he was about to come.

Frustrated with his failure, he didn't know what to do. Imagine his surprise when May's hands reached around behind her and held her ass cheeks apart for him. He happily used his hands to pry the little hole open and rocked himself into the tight dry slit little by little.

In a flash of glory, it was over. He felt his hot come splashing up into her ass, as he practically threw himself inside of her. Wads of come were dripping out of her as he pulled out. His knees buckled beneath him and he sat in a dining chair.

They looked at each other. It had been almost a decade since they had fucked, and it had never been like this. It had been loving and erotic, maybe, but not raw and rough like this. The strange combination of safety and danger had taken them into new territory. Who knew what would come of their living in the same town again.

“Goodnight.” May said, using her damp, torn panties to wipe her dripping ass. Naked, she walked up the stairs to the study, locked the door, and got back in the sleeping bag.

She awakened to aches and pains all over, bruises on her hips and nipples, and a sore asshole. But it was worth it, she felt, because, while bent over that Ethan Allen table getting the shit fucked out of her, she had one of the most earth shattering orgasms she had ever had.

And she wanted more, just like that one.