Cleaning it all out,

Riding all the memories,

I find they’re everywhere, reminding me how you entered my life so cleverly.

Promises after promises, letting go of the hurt you caused, believing all the lies you told.

Hope kept me in,

Pity had me running back

Always there when you needed someone, but constantly left alone feeling hijacked.

Came across a letter that sounded so sincere, a promise of truth and faithfulness.

But it was only a short period of time, everything would once again be a complete mess.

Didn’t take long, a couple days or maybe a few weeks.

Only for you to get better at the new sneaky techniques.

Playing on my good heart,

You’d fly by as fast as a shooting dart.

You were only in for purposes of your own.

Walking away I know I won’t be the one that ends up alone.

I’m not in life for my own personal gain,

Nor do I want to live on such a crazy train

The connections I have are real and true, they don’t have me scrambling for support when I’m down and blue.

Your life may seem like a big fat joke, but know I can see that you’re just a little spiritually broke.

You’ve always been reserved trying to keep that pride,

Allowing no one to come inside.

But one thing I know is true, you’re a fighter that never has given up the hope.

You’ll find yourself again, though it may take a while to learn how to fully cope.

Seeing through that broken smile, stop turning up your fake dial.

Show yourself, the true you, that is what I’m asking.

I want to see you healthy and have that happy honest smile.

I know it’s hard to escape the broken and shattered views, when your mind has been so skewed.

Rise above, do what you got to do.

But please understand, that it is critical you talk when those crazy thoughts come through.

Wish you could see what I see in you, ’cause there’s something remarkably real and so true.

It’s hard to lay yourself in the hands of God when you’re struggling with your own self-control.

Belief is hard, but remember he’s will always be there to help you get out of this dark hole.

Underneath it all, you are one of the strongest people I know. Please don’t give up, there’s more to life than this all time low.

Hey! We all make mistakes, stop detaching yourself from the pain you’re going through; this pain is what’s going to help you grow.

You say you don’t care what others think, but this is also what has slowly made you sink.

Anxiety shines through, making it easier to run back to that old crew.

But that compassion and soft side is something God gave you to shine that magic onto others like you do.

Forget the past of yesterday, keep pushing through. Fuck that old crew.

You’re worth more than all that, give yourself that second chance, and stop with all the self-hate.

You’re drifting away, pushing the ones that care to the side, because of all the pain and shame.

But no one is here to point the finger and place any blame.

We need you and care about you, the others don’t mean shit.

They’re only there to tell you to ease it with one more hit.

I see you’re tired eyes that silently cry every night.

You don’t have to do this alone, we’ll be here to walk with you to that shiny light.

For now, it’s day by day as you put your pieces back together, and eventually that weight will feel like a distant feather.

Have a little faith in yourself, like we have faith in you.

The day will come when all you have are smiles, ’cause you have grew from walking all those painful miles.

I promise things will turn out alright, God has a plan that is going to shine so bright.

Easy paths in life only give in the moment delusions, a quick fix to the present tense.

Why is the comfortablility of the past such a lingering curse? Is it because the road with all the obstacles and detours have more struggles and consume to much energy and effort?

Unfortunately, if the road comes to easy to go down, it usually means the life ahead won’t be fulfilling or amazing. Success and true happiness doesn’t come from sitting in treading waters, or stepping backwards, it comes from the inner strength to keep pushing forward.

No one said this path is easy, it will never be as simple as 1,2,3 or A, B,C.

The obstacles, the ups, the downs, and struggles won’t always be waiting there with an instant gratification.

There will be moments of weakness, you’ll want to break down revert back to what you know; self-destruct, and even want to say screw this world.

But know this, in the end you’re never alone, I’ll be there for you.

I’ll be by your side through the good and the bad.

I’ll be there whether you’re happy or sad.

I’ll be there when the sun is shining bright and I’ll be there through the darkest days when your sitting in fright. I’ll be you’re strength when your weak, to help push you to your highest peak.

I’ll be here to pull you out of the hole, because you’ve already begun to capture this soul.

When you turn to look around on the darkest days, and you’re looking around for an outlet- who can you turn to? A path of destruction leads to not having anyone there, besides a quiet surrounding of cold and gloom.

So at times, we choose to say screw it and try hard to not fall into footprints of the past.

This struggle is real, this struggle is painful, this struggle is hard.

You have to know, though its not an easy trail, I’ll be here when you start to get frail.

I’ll be by your side through the good and the bad.

I’ll be there whether you’re happy or sad.

I’ll be there when the sun is shining bright and I’ll be there through the darkest days when your sitting in fright. I’ll be you’re strength when your weak, to help push you to your highest peak.

I’ll be here to pull you out of the hole, because you’ve already begun to capture this soul.

I’ll exhaust my energy, I’ll pull you through, I see your good, and want you to know that when there’s no one else around, because they are all still sitting on the easy path, I’ll always be here to pull you through.

I’ll be by your side through the good and the bad.

I’ll be there whether you’re happy or sad.

I’ll be there when the sun is shining bright and I’ll be there through the darkest days when your sitting in fright. I’ll be you’re strength when your weak, to help push you to your highest peak.

I’ll be here to pull you out of the hole, because you’ve already begun to capture this soul.

Remember, I’ll always be here for you!

#addiction #Loneliness #demons #hardship #unconditionallove

If I only would have listened, instead I went against better judgment.

Little did I know it would lead to unwanted events of a vicious tornado.

You came in and within moments time, you’d be gone leaving a destructive mess.

You would always resurface and maybe it was the empty promises that always led me to letting you back in.

Over time, your lies became transparent and when you were called out, the demon living inside your head tried even harder to get smarter to keep up his façade.

With each passing moment it only got worse.

A wrenching game of emotional torture formed on a foundation of deception and lies that I allowed myself to sink in it all.

It was only when reality slapped me in my face when I was the center of your lies, so that your demon and you could continue to keep blinding everyone else.

Now, I know that the conflict between you and your demon is impossible to try and even stop. There’s no place for anyone in your life besides the creature that whispers in your head. Until he is dead and gone, your life will continue on this painful vicious cycle. If I had only known, I would have pulled myself out sooner.

Inside I feel like I’m dying

Why can’t I stop crying

There’s so much pain I feel

How can I start to heal

Inside I feel like dying

And I’m ready to stop trying

This isn’t coming easy

My stomach feels so queasy

I want somebody to call

Cause I’m about ready to fall

As I look up to the sky,

Wonder what’s it’s like to die

They say it’s peaceful

And people aren’t deceitful

I’m so lost in this giant twist

But I’m sure I’d probably be missed

Lie after lie, your head must be a fucking spinning.

Are you even able to grasp onto this reality?

Desperation so vividly evident, your fear kicks in and takes control.

Screaming to yourself, I did it again.

Constantly trying to keep up this façade.

You just throw on another mask.

Trying to bury all the mountains of pain, guilt and shame.

Does it make you feel better screaming your deflections upon me?

How many times can I apologize for the past to make you feel better deep down and still have to take all accountability?

I’m done with the lies; you want the truth you’ve got it.

Open your eyes, you’re ducking and dodging the choices you made everytime they come to haunt you.

My hand has always been reaching out, wanting to show you a better way of life.

There’s only one question you must honestly ask:

Can you lay off the dope, and find a better way to cope?

If only I understood the limitations of what you were willing to give me. If only I had taken more chances when it came to you. If only I looked beyond family's and society's expectations of what I needed in a relationship. If only I took advantage of the incredible chemistry we had together despite knowing it would never last. If only I understood that life is not a romance novel. If only I had focused on the reality of what we were instead of reaching for something you weren't willing to give. If only I were brave enough to take what I craved from you. If only I listened to our reality rather than creating a fantasy world. If only I understood us better, I would have closure and acceptance for what things were.

So here I stand, back at it again.

Heading to retraining camp.

I don’t want it to be chalked up to another loss.

Spring will mark the sobriety date stamp.

God please give me the strength to battle this once more time.

Oh lord, do you see me standing here alone.

I need change, I need your help

Cause we all know change don’t occur overnight.

Years of running, this has become my life. I rather not admit it, cause of all the shame I have to carry. Oh lord, please help me.

My decision has continued to haunt me and no longer do i have the strength to fight this alone.

God please give me the strength to battle this once more time.

Oh lord, do you see me standing here alone.

I need change, I need your help

Cause we all know change don’t occur overnight.

This time, I need to give you my all.

I’ll surrender myself and allow your hands to take over. I don’t want to hit another brick wall. Oh lord guide me with your light, because change don’t happen overnight.

(Thanks for the inspiration to a friend of mine! We all are rooting for you!! ❤️)

Thinking about you, thinking about me and thinking about what’s best for this mess

Why can’t you just come clean and fucking confess.

All the lies, the games that were played on my heart. I was real with you from the start. You grew on me but in the end left me sit here in such a fucking mess.

Thought you were worth it, but it’s shown that you lied to give perception of what and who you want to be - however it was never the real you.

Clear as day, the real you shows through

Pain is written across face but instead you want to live in this crazy ass rat race.

Thinking about you, thinking about me and thinking about what’s best for this mess

Why can’t you just come clean and fucking confess.

Wiping the slate clean and pushing through the aftermath of what this caused because, I totally fell the hell apart.

Keep the memories, maybe one day you’ll see, I always was thinking of you, me and the best.

You were too busy keeping up this facade, because it’s too painful to expose the real you.

Thinking about you, thinking about me and thinking about what’s best for this mess

Why can’t you just come clean and fucking confess.

Nothing But Troubles

I thought I needed you, you picked me up when I was low, for a moments time everything was better.

Pains, problems and worries all went away. You’re grip has a powerful way, had me constantly running back.

Even though, the outside voices and consequences lingered vaguely in the back of my mind, I couldn’t keep you gone for too long. No one understood that it was you that took all the hurt away.

When I couldn’t find you, I searched harder.

It gradually turned into a vicious circle, my mind couldn’t get you out of it. I needed you. Eventually nothing seemed to matter besides you. You’d come calling, and I’d come running.

How could you say instill those words into my head, you didn’t love me and you weren’t there for me.

You’d whisper one thing to me, and in the same line you were taking it all back, leaving me in a depression pondering my own thoughts.

You wanted to isolate me into your darkness, keep me all to yourself.

My Savior has come to save me. He won’t allow me to drowned any more. His mercy has taken all my burdens and shame, with his presence I can conquer this internal battle.

He is here to break the chain, gloom and doom I won’t sit in, he has loosened the grip death has put on me.