I don't want to fit in

With the mighty

And the small people

I don't want to fit in

With the pretty

And the ugly people

I don't want to fit in

With the happy

And the sad people

I don't want to fit in

With the privileged

And the poor people

I don't want to fit in

With the loners

And the famous people

I don't want to fit in

With the norms

And the inherited rules

Heard, unheard

Seen, unseen

Deserved, underserved

I don't want to fit in

With the hellish

And the paradise people

I don't to want fit in

I want to hold that space

In between

I don't want to fit in

I want to fade into that space

Between heaven and beyond

I don't want to fit in

I want to be

Like I never existed

I don't want to fit in

I want to go home

Where none of us ever happened.

and now,

i don’t remember

our first kiss

but only the salt that tainted my lips

during our last

the one that you forced

biting my lips a little too hard

grabbing my hair a little too rough

and now,

i don’t remember

our first conversation

but only the tears that trailed down my cheek

during our last

as you yelled at me

with all the anger you hold for the world

no trace of love left in that lost heart

and now,

i don't remember

you

but only the pain you put me through

the hurt that forever scars my skin

covered by long-sleeve sweatshirts

and regret

i met you and i thought

finally, someone like me.

but then i hear you talk about

the party you partied at

the drinks you drank

the walk of shame you walked

and everyone is laughing and bonding

over similar ill-fated experiences.

and i’m sitting there

next to you

trying to make myself

small

trying to make myself

disappear

because you’re just like the rest

which means you’re normal

which means i’m still

alone

un-normal

for your call.

or a text.

anything, really.

i’m sitting outside

your illuminated house

in my dark car.

i knew it is wrong.

you wouldn’t cheat on me.

i have to trust you.

there’s no other girl.

you don't kiss any lips except for mine.

but then, three tortuous minutes later,

she exits your door.

i don’t know who she is,

but all hope runs away from my heart,

knowing better than to waste time on you.

but in case i had any confusion,

it becomes clear who she is when

you kiss her,

very long and dramatically.

you kissed her.

she kissed you.

you two kissed each other.

it’s 2:31 a.m. and

i’m driving away.

we skipped that day.

i never skip.

but that day, you convinced me to.

we left at lunch

and walked to your old townhouse.

guilt and indecisiveness and questions

knotted in my stomach.

was my mother going to drive by the streets

that we were passing?

was the school going to call my parents

about the strange disappearance?

you grabbed my hand

and told me to stop worrying.

to let go and

live.

we went to your house

and you started to kiss me.

my lips were kissing you back

my hands were roaming your soft body.

but my mind was buried in guilt.

although i knew my mother would

never find out,

how could i do this to her?

i was the good daughter,

not the one who went to boy’s houses.

i was the star student,

not the one who skipped class.

what had he done to me?

what had love done to me?

The current book I am working on is about a boy who uses a magic book to communicate with the outside world. The book is cursed, and whoever reads it has at most two weeks to live. While Eliot is using this book he falls into the temptations of it. Following the book will reveal more about the young Eliot and why he needs the book. Each chapter (currently there are seven ) is a new person reading Eliot’s living book. Beware! Not all questions will be answered.

#journal #narrative #newwork #horror #mystery #crime #bloodlust #action #thriller #monsters #fantasy #supernatural #werewolves #werewolf #demon #demons #killer #serialkiller #modernday #growth #loneliness

I choose a career

over love.

I choose studying for the SAT

over going to late-night parties with you.

I choose showing up to class

over driving to the beach next to you.

I choose giving my attention to education

over you.

But if you were true,

I wouldn’t have to choose.

I have a thousand words to say

But none come to my lips

To speak of things that hold my thoughts

And let my morals slip.

There is a boy

A man indeed

Who makes my heart revive

And deep beneath the sheets

We play

To make my body feel alive.

His fingers run the length of me

His eyes hold to my gaze

His lungs take in the breath I breathe

The him that holds me in embrace.

The words that echo

From his mouth

Play music in my ear

That races down

Throughout my veins

And fill my soul with fear.

Not fearful of the things he’ll do

Or fearful of the way he loves

Not fear for how he looks at me

But fear of what is next to come.

It’s been so little

And yet so long

Since he first caught my eye

Blessed with the kiss of death

The him that brought me back to life.

-Aspyn Leonardo

You scroll through your Instagram mindlessly when a notification pops up. You click on it without a second thought. Him. Him who sits next to you in chemistry. Him who smells like aftershave and honey. Him wants to talk to you. Him says what’s up. You eagerly reply with a simple “not much.” You don’t want to over do it. You keep your eyes glued to the screen waiting for it to show your text has been seen. Your heart leaps when it's looked at it in under five minutes. Him must really want to talk to you. The typing bubble pops up and soon his reply is there. This pattern continues all weekend. Friday evening through Sunday night. You talk about lots of things from movies, to family, to embarrassing stories. It’s nice and you find yourself telling him things you’ve never told anyone. When him compliments you, your cheeks turn pink. You feel silly but don’t care. Monday morning comes and you are eager as you drive to school. You cannot wait to talk to him like you have been the last couple days. You wonder if you’ll be best friends now. Or if you’ll at least talk in the hallways. Half the school day has gone by and you’ve not yet seen him. Oh well you’ve still got science. Walking into the classroom your eyes scan the room until they land on yours and him’s table. You see him and immeditaly bite your lip to keep from smiling. Images of flirty texts scrolling through your mind certainly don’t help. But when you reach him, nothing happens. Not a hey. Not a head nod. Barely any recognition of your presence at all. That’s weird. It wasn’t you who sent the first message. It was him right? Was this a joke? Was it just fun to him? No. No you’re being paranoid. Just say hi. So you did. You got a sarcastic wave in return. Panic rose in your chest. This is the same person in my DMs...right? You decide to leave it alone and to sit quietly in your confusion. When the last bell rings you are the first one out the door. At home you change from your blue jeans into sweats and you put your straightened hair up into a ponytail. Just as you finish removing the day’s makeup your phone dings. Your brows furrow when you see who it is. “Hey beautiful ;)” At first you’re a little mad. What gives him the right to brush you off in person and then act like a casanova on the phone? But then you read the text again. And you smile slightly that he thinks you’re beautiful. And then you stare at the winky face for a good two minutes- all anger gone. You text back a normal reply saying nothing about today. And so it repeats. Talking all night on the phone but being ignored in person the next day. You let it go the first 3 times- thinking maybe him was working up the courage. But by the 4th time, you realized this was not right. You just didn’t understand. Him was so funny and charming in the texts. While in real life him blatently flirted with every breathing female...well except for you that is. Was there something wrong with you in person? Was him embarrassed to be seen talking to you? You felt your cheeks heat up a bit-but this time with self-shame and embarrassment. You wish you hadn’t given him this power over you...but here we are. That night when you received the usual text, you did not reply. The next night, you did not reply. Though it was getting a little hard. The 3rd night the message said something different then the usual hello and compliments. “Hey are you ok? Why aren’t you talking to me?” For real? For him to ask you that is pure irony. Still you did not reply. You don’t know what you expected really. Him to apologize profusely at school the next morning? Him to beg your forgiveness for completely leading you on? Doesn’t matter because neither happened. You were met with the same silent, beautiful figure who never acknowledged your presence. Although he was slowly becoming less and less attractive to you. That night him texts you one last time. “Ok. I don’t know what you’re deal is but you’re ridiculous. Bye.” You chuckle slightly to yourself because it’s clear him’s pride has been hurt. Boys. You realize you’ll probably never understand them but you settle for this. No boy, or person for that matter, that can’t treat you the same in all situations is worth knowing. So him gradually started becoming just a he and you both spent chemistry in awkard silent harmony.