Maybe we should fall multiple times just to stand firmly on the ground.

Maybe we should lose what’s important to us just to appreciate what we have.

Maybe we should experience the absence of something just to appreciate its presence.

But most importantly, maybe we should learn how to let go, move forward and accept what’s unchangeable.

When God is sending strong thunders to us, that doesn’t mean He is mad.

When God is rising the ocean for us, that doesn’t mean He is punishing us.

God is giving us challenges for us to be stronger, braver and smarter.

God always love us.

Those are the spirits of a strong fighter and faithful warrior.

-

#prose #faith #challenge

Death, Doubt, Depression, Destruction, Denial, Disease, Deceit, Distractions, Darkness.

They wrapped their arms around me, tearing, pulling, stretching, ripping. I was fed to them like meat to vicious hounds. Constantly being torn apart for 18 years, and yet I could not realize. I would not realize.

Denial’s hands had twisted it’s fingers to cover my eyes, my ears, my very mouth. It blinded me, fed poison through my ears, and the arsenic flowed freely from my lips.

Doubt tore at my mind, consuming it into the open sore on an almost invisible visage.

Depression reached to my chest, grabbing at my very heart and opening it for all the world to see. It wanted pity, pity for my well-being as it slowly devoured my heart. What irony. I could not help, but pity depression itself for eating such a useless and unfavourable item.

And there it came. Self pity, pain, loneliness. Depression had done it’s job, taken it’s slow and tedious course, yet it did not change like the others. It still acted as a lost puppy, homeless, alone, pitiful. I began finding a desire within me to care for it, nurture it, give it a place to stay. I welcomed such a deceitful creature. This became my distraction.

All things were deceiving, for doubt and denial had allowed them to be. Doubt destroyed certain senses needed to understand cautiousness, especially around distractions and lies. I was in the dark, and it ruined my reasoning, played with my beliefs. Damaged my ability to seek for what I really desired, and needed in life.

Destruction was just around the corner, waiting to take a hold. It attacked me from the front, head on and without fear. It consumed me, became my very being right to the core, and I became it’s puppet. I was silently being led towards disease and death. Both were waiting for me, rubbing their many hands together in anticipation. They would not be quick in their craft. They had to toy with me first; break my spirit until I begged for endless silence.

But I was restless, and fought. There was this light that found me. A smile somewhere off in the distance. A breath of fresh air. Love. Friends, family in need. Someone was helping, and yet had no idea.

God was there, touched my very skin and doubt began to fall away. Hope entered, replacing the feeling of never will. There was still a chance. I could see again, realization swept over me, and darkness disappeared.

I had found my true path. Distractions flitted back from where they came, and I could not deny that destruction had found me. At that point I was able to turn my body away. I would not let disease overcome me, I could not give into death, just yet. I had time, and people to care about, a life to care about.

Running, back to depression, I was determined to gain my second chance. Instead I found a puddle, and there deep inside almost hidden from the naked eye, I sought out my heart. I fished, for it, dried it off, and viewed the damage done. There God was still beside me asking of me that ruined piece. I obeyed giving it willingly.

Holding it close to his heart, he healed it until there were only scars left, so I could remember, He said. Here and now I understand I could not forget this. God kept my heart stored in his cloak for safe-keeping. I knew he would cherish it as He always had, even when He did not have it.

Then He spoke to me with sweet words of wisdom “Even though evil spirits come and go, they never fully disappear. But now that I am here with you, and you have allowed me to be with you, there is nothing to fear. Have faith my child and stay close. Your time has come.”

let me tell you a story about the boy I fell in love with.

His voice whispers, gentle, sort of like the splatter of freckles along his nose. His eyes are seaweed green and they widen when ever you talk to him. He bites his lip, and he stutters, fidgeting, and further disrupting the tangled mess of black hair that flops around his eyes as he chokes out a name.

He smiles alot. He has a soft smile, and most of it's in his eyes, or the way his shoulders lift in a shrug and his nose scrunches a little. I smile when I see him smile, and he smiles more when he sees me smile, and somehow we get trapped in this endless cycle of gradually widening smiles and twinkling eyes and racing hearts. He waves goodbye. It's a smaller wave than the one he gives me at hello, its more timid, its gentle.

The first time I hear him laugh I almost cry at the sound. It's so free, when everything I've heard him say before sounds so practiced, rehearsed. And my heart breaks, because when he laughs, you can see the boy hiding beneath his shy waves and timid smiles.

The first time he makes me laugh my heart soars so high that my chest tightens, trying to keep it contained. I learn he really loves to make me laugh.

After that I start to learn alot about him.

I learn that his palms are always a little clammy.

I learn that he got his eyes from his father and his smile from his mother.

I learn he really loves strawberries.

I learn that he tastes like green jolly ranchers and smells a little like sunshine .

Eventually I learn that he loves me. It's tucked between a hesitant breath and one of those smiles I adore, and he smiles a whole new kind of smile, when my eyes drip tears as I tell him that I love him too.

I learn how green his eyes are when he cries,

and how strong he is in black.

I learn that he really hates funerals,

and that he misses his mother's brownies.

Years later I learn he bought a ring.

He waves at me when he see's me at the end of the aisle. His vows are whispered to me gently, eyes greener than green drink me in, and his nose scrunches when I say "I do".

I learn he is the worlds best father, and that our little girl has his laugh.

I learnt alot about him over the life we shared, but he only ever taught me one thing.

He taught me how to love.

I am like you

My dearest

Man in the Moon

You reflect the suns' light

Yet nobody really cares

About the tears that you shed

For your midnight sun

I do the same

My dearest

Man in the Moon

I reflect the love that I wish I had

Yet nobody really cares

About the tears I shed

For my Blue-Eyed Boy

The last time I heard him speak he used his final words to tell his crying mess of a family, “I’m sorry”, before he faded into a drug induced coma. Apparently the pain from organs failing is so excrutiating, Doctor’s give you the option to either stay somewhat conscious and experience this agony, or be so heavily medicated you slip into a morphine dream until it’s all over. Of course we made him choose the latter. It gave us less time to be with him, but he had already suffered enough. With that farewell he chose to apologize for the pain he knew would soon spill over onto us.

The last time I could see he was still there in his half lidded eyes was 2 days later. I knew he was in there still. I knew he had been the moment I saw his eyes stop moving like eyes do when in the dreaming stage. He was still breathing, but when you’ve been around a person long enough to see the life in their eyes... you can tell the moment it’s gone.

The last time I saw him breathing was a day later. It was laboured, that horrible croaking noise hospital’s aptly labeled the “death rattle”. I can never forget the sound, and how much I hated it. Partly because it was awful, and partly (mostly) because I was terrified for when it would stop. When it did stop, I held my breath too. I think our whole family stopped breathing for a moment, like we were unsure if we still should when he couldn’t. It was as if we all acknowledged that a huge piece of us died.

The last time I saw him was in an open casket. He looked so peaceful, wearing one of his favorite outfits, some tattered old clothes he rarely was seen without. No 3 piece suits for him, that wouldn’t have been right. He was resting from this life, when I kissed his forehead one last time and said my goodbyes.

That was 11 years ago, and now, 11 years later, I keep the hope that someday, it won’t be the last time.

Chocolate brown eyes with their wide, penchant stare;

Full, soft lips accompanied by flecks of dried skin;

A smile so captivating it could shatter the earth,

A love so true it condemns the sky to bathe in crimson.

Silken black hair tumbling in free patterns;

Skin warm enough to thaw the pain of a lover;

Tender kisses existing to unite salt with the sea,

A love so true it could only end with the beckoning ferryman.

Heart wide enough to encompass the stars;

Mind sharp enough to cleave cliffs into chasms;

Hands skilled in silent song as they pluck out ancient melodies,

A love so true it endows pinions to an everlasting flight.

Living life facing the melancholy, but being awed by the beauty.

Bifurcates your heart, your will, your strength and your meaning.

Going through the dark quagmires in life

Leaves stronger and stranger and steals a piece of you for it.

I am at the best time of my life, I am happy, by my definition of it.

But when the clock strikes 12 and the ghosts of the past come knocking,

But when the clocks strikes 1 and the ghosts of the present come knocking,

But when the clocks strikes 2 and the ghosts of the future come knocking,

I am left thwarted wishing the grim reaper would come for my soul

I am left yearning for a sense of freedom from the tragically beautiful life

That I am bound to, till all my heart, my strength and my will, Is syphoned

I live the life as it is given, I do not choose it.

I only choose to make beauty with the time

I find myself unable to stare beauty in its eyes, for fear of losing it, signifiying a lack?

I fear a creeping from the darkness is coming, but then again

I do not fear the tragedies, for they only mean my end draws near

I am torn by the beauty that is living

and the beauty that is freeing my soul from the pain

I am torn for losing the beauty in life means I am closer to the freedom

I am torn for gaining the beauty in life means I am further from the freedom

I am torn for I have the strength to live today and do no wish it

I am torn for I do not know how long my will will sustain me

Or maybe like a vagabond, my life will fade,

Or maybe like a wine, my life will age,

Beautifully, but today this is my quandary.

I am living but would be thankful for death.

So then, in my next life, I wish to be a flower, and think not these thoughts

So then, am I alive or am I broken and does it matter?

For till then I will wander these barren lands seeking beauty, creating beauty,

till the toxicity of these lands I can bear no longer in my golden age

And I will fade hopefully into the nothing never to exist in this form again

So then the tradegy of life is not life itself.

But the strength within these bones that chooses to live it

The fire in my heart that will die only after consuming the beauty we desire

So then the tradegy of life is that I live it and will till....well that doesnt matter.

(TW: mentions of death and some violence)

*E*

Sometimes, I question sanity.

Not my own–god knows I’ve barely got any–but sanity in general. I guess just the idea that certain thoughts can change the way people perceive you. Reality is pretty subjective in my opinion, and it’s a little presumptuous to decide that the reality most people agree with is the only reality.

In my case, my reality involves a lot less emphasis on empathy.

“GOD PLEASE!!! Please stop! I have– I– I have a family! And a wife and I can’t lea– No! NO PLEASE!” Jonathan Trickston was begging for his life on his own carpet, and as I watched him crawl and beg and sob I tried to poke at that part of my brain that didn’t seem to work. The part where I shove my feet into Mr. Trickston’s shoes and feel some urge to stop what I’m doing. I frowned when it didn’t work, and then sighed as he started dragging himself towards the sliding glass door. I’d already stabbed him in the leg twice, he was bleeding all over everything and the only thought I had as I stalked toward him was “What a waste of carpet.”

“I was joking, please, please stop!” Mr. Trickston sobbed as I grabbed his ankle and dragged the man back towards me. He screamed as I raised my knife and I cut his throat with gritted teeth.

Fucking screamers, my ears are gonna be ringing for the next fucking week. Gross.

I rolled a kink out of my neck and stood up, there was blood on my pants, that kinda sucked, and more blood was still leaking from Mr. Trickston along with what was probably piss. I shuddered and turned away. Fucking bodily fluids. I wiped off my knife on my pants and tucked it away, then I straightened, fixed my hair, and left the cabin.

I yawned as I walked down the road, I’d parked my car about a mile out. It was nighttime, and the stars above me were out in all their sparkling brilliance, the moon lighting the way for me in what probably would have been an ominous lighting if I wasn’t so content in the fact that I was the nasty people usually imagine following them in the dark. I’m not so arrogant to believe that I’m the only monster in the world, but it just doesn’t seem probable that something nastier was out tonight with me.

Jonathan Trickston had died because I wanted to kill someone. In fact, I almost always wanted to kill someone. The thrill of stalking and hunting down a victim combined with the satisfaction of actually killing them and then getting away with it was the most entertaining thing I had. I’d started killing mostly on accident, after a rocky childhood and a couple nights of unwanted intimacy, I killed my cousin–and I didn’t feel a thing. Tiny little Eleanor Lunard had laughed as her cousin bled from the head and his eyes went glassy and still. Suffice to say, my parents hadn’t been too thrilled about it, so they created the story of a monster that crawled through our window and murdered my cousin and left before it got the chance to take me too.

The media ate it up, and little Eleanor became an internet sensation, a tiny little survivor, luckily it only lasted about a week before someone else became the center of the world, and I got to go back to living as Leah. But, tiny Leah suddenly had a taste for the most exhilarating experience she would ever have, and that had created a fascination and an addiction.

I learned pretty quickly what the do’s and don'ts of murder are, one of them being: people who are unliked die the easiest. Mr. Trickston was a known pervert, and his wife wasn’t very quiet about her dislike for him. He’d been “joking” about soliciting my 8 year old alias for sex. All I’d had to do was pretend to be an interested party and he’d taken the bait and flown out to the little cabin in the middle of nowhere. There was also a note that his wife would find, detailing how his newest affair had changed his heart and he was running off with his new mistress–but that he was leaving all his funds to her as long as she reported nothing.

This was the plan I had meticulously put in place, and I knew it would work out and Mr. Trickston’s dead body wouldn’t be found for at least a year. Though part of me was still feeling the rush of hunting him down, now I just felt bored. I was going to have to start the process all over again, finding a new douchebag and memorizing their schedule so that I could stalk them and try not to fall asleep watching someone's boring life. I sighed as I walked and pursed my lips.

There was a few people who I worked with that could be possibilities. Jacobson from accounting’s apparently been groping employees. Conners steals everyone’s lunch and she’s probably a drunk. Except she’s a single parent, orphan’s would cause trouble. Jacobson’s probably my best bet.

There was suddenly light from a car coming towards me. I relaxed my shoulders and kept walking until I realized the car was slowing down, I glanced over and watched as the window of a fancy looking convertible rolled down to reveal an anxious looking man.

He had auburn hair that was a complete mess of loose curls, that and pretty looking brown eyes and olive-ish skin. I raised a brow and cocked my head in question.

“I was just wondering if you wanted a ride, I don’t know how far you’re going but I’ve got to drop off something but then I’m on my way to Falls,” he said and I narrowed my eyes on him. He looked genuine, which was a bit of a surprise. He also looked a lot shorter than me, even sitting down. I tossed the idea around in my head for a moment, thinking about my bloodstained pants for a second but by now the black material was dry. Falls is what most of the locals called the tiny town up a couple miles and surrounded by waterfalls. My car was parked on the way and I was already bored by the walk, even though, talking with a stranger sounded almost as draining as the walk. Eventually I nodded.

“I’m heading to just before Falls, parked my car there for a hike,” I said, and he smiled as I walked around and climbed into the passenger's seat.

“Cool, I’m Link by the way, I’m sorry maybe this is weird, I just saw you walking and just–I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to be walking alone in the dark so I just thought I’d ask,” Link rambled nervously, he laughed a little and glanced to me as he started driving again. I pretended to smile back.

“Yeah, it is a little cold,” I said, and he laughed. Now that I was closer I noticed he also had freckles across his nose, he looked young, maybe my age– college age, and he had a simple gold band on his left hand. He caught me looking and grinned.

“Oh, uh, yeah, I’m getting married, my fiancé just proposed to me actually a couple days ago,” he beamed, holding out his hand to show the ring I pretended to smile again and nodded.

“Congratulations,” I said and he smiled again. I looked out the front window to avoid his gaze and suddenly realized we were heading back towards the cabin, I pursed my lips. “Where did you say you needed to go?” I asked carefully, and Link laughed and blushed a little as he turned down the dirt road leading to the cabin I’d just murdered someone in.

“I clean these cabins, and well, I’m not a very memory gifted person–” he cut himself off with a nervous laugh. “I actually forgot my keys there, can you believe it? I had to steal my boyfriend–fiancé’s–car to get out here.” I clenched my jaw.

“Huh.” I managed. I’d known that cleaners tended to come and dust everything or tidy up when someone first bought the cabin, but I hadn’t realized they would also send someone to clean before you came to visit. I almost groaned as I remembered the moronic decision to announce my arrival. Link parked the car in front of the cabin and smiled over at me.

“Ok, I’ll be just a minute and then we can head out,” he explained, “Sorry about this,” he added before climbing out of the car. I jumped out after him and he furrowed his brow.

“Let’s uh... why don’t I come in with you? Two more eyes? It might help, ya know, the search,” I stumbled to think of an excuse. My mind was reeling, if he walked into the building he would discover the bleeding body of Mr. Trickston, and I would be screwed. I pushed a hand through my hair and then tugged on the braid it was in. Link looked skeptical but acquiesced, and I followed him up the stairs and watched as he unlocked the cabin with the key under the doormat. Of fucking course there was a key there for staff, Leah you dumbass.

"The guest isn't supposed to be in until tomorrow morning," he explained, I gave him a pained smile as he pushed the door open and flicked on the lights. Before I could say anything he screamed and his eyes widened. I panicked and slammed his head again the door frame. Link went limp with a slight yelp and crumpled to the floor.

“Shit.”

*L*

I groaned as I woke up. My head felt like it had been hit by a brick and for some reason I couldn’t move my legs. I tried to stretch out but suddenly realized I wasn’t in my bed at home. Panic suddenly seized me and I couldn’t breathe. My eyes snapped open and I looked around frantically as I tried to figure out where I was. My wrists were zip tied together and there was duct tape over my mouth. It was completely dark and really cramped where ever I was, and I could hear what sounded like an engine running.

Slowly my eyes adjusted to the dark and I looked around again, this time I spotted a bag that looked familiar. I narrowed my eyes and scooted towards it, before suddenly realizing it was Jaz’s bag. Fuck I was in the trunk of Jaz’s car.

I racked my brain and tried to remember what had happened, it came back in fragments. Jaz let me borrow the car, why? Oh I forgot my keys at the cabin and– there was a woman who– a body– oh fuck.

I groaned as I realized Jaz was never going to let me live this one down.

“Don’t pick up hitchhikers, it’s dark and I don’t want them stinking up my car.”

Fuck.

Suddenly the car stopped and I started banging on the trunk and screaming through the duct tape to try and get someone to notice. The sound of a car door slamming made me flinch and when the door to the trunk opened up I screamed.

The woman scowled down at me, she glowed a little with the moonlight behind her and I pressed myself back farther to get away from her. She just rolled her eyes and yanked me forward, dragging me out of the trunk like I weighed nothing. It didn’t help my terror and I struggled against her more but she just sighed.

“Can you not? I’m already having a rough day it would be great if you could just cooperate,” she deadpanned and for a moment I froze and looked at her disbelievingly. Is she being serious? “Thanks, appreciate it,” she said, using my momentary shock to throw me over her shoulder and I screamed again and tried to struggled off again, she tightened her grip painfully and growled something. We were making our way into what looked like a warehouse, and she cursed under her breath before dropping me on the ground to fumble with the padlock on the door.

I tried to regain the ability to breath like a functioning human being and then started to try and crawl away. It felt pretty pointless but I couldn’t just lay there and let her drag me away. I heard the chain drop as she unlocked the door and I looked over my shoulder in time to see her sigh and stalk towards me.

“Where do you even plan on going? Chill I haven’t even decided if I want to kill you yet,” she grumbled as she grabbed my leg and dragged me into the building. I scrambled to grab onto something and managed to catch the door jab. I held on and tried to pull myself out, still screaming desperately.

“Christ man, what the fuck,” the woman hissed as she pulled on my leg. There were no other buildings within sight and that sudden realization made my insides freeze. Helplessness choked me and my fingers slipped on the doorway as she dragged me the rest of the way into the warehouse. I looked around panickedly– noticing that the building was virtually empty, with a single chair in the center of the room and a tiny little office off to the left side that served as the only other room in the high-roofed building. I watched as she slammed the door behind us and then grabbed under my armpits to drag me over to the chair. I kicked and screamed but it didn’t do anything besides make her hiss insults and curses in my ear as she hefted me into the metal seat.

I tried to lunge out but she shoved me back down and pointely zip tied my legs to the chair before brandishing a knife at me that made me freeze. My eyes were glued to the knife as she narrowed her eyes at me.

“I’m taking off the ties here, if you hit me I swear to god I’ll cut your nose off,” she hissed and I could feel tears filling my eyes. “Got it?” she snapped and I nodded as she shoved the knife in my face. “Ok good,” she said, cutting the tie and then securing my arms to the arms of the chair. “That wasn’t so bad, jesus,” she muttered, before straightening and narrowing her eyes at me. After a moment she reached out and ripped the duct tape off my mouth. I screamed, and yelled for help. My already overused throat burned and the woman rolled her eyes and slapped a hand over my mouth, holding the knife back up.

“No one can fucking hear you, all you’re doing is giving me a headache so can you not keep screaming for help?” she said and I glared, she slowly removed her hand.

“Fuck you! You’re going to kill me I’m not just going to not try and escape!” I said, before going pale as I realized antagonizing the lady with a large knife probably wasn’t a good idea. The woman sighed again.

“Fine, but I’m getting Advil, I’ll be back when you’re done, I hope your fucking vocal cords snap,” she said, stalking off towards the little office room and slamming the door behind her. I leaned down and started trying to chew through my zip ties, unfortunately that proved to be a bit more difficult that I’d originally thought, and then my phone started ringing. I jumped at the sound of it and then a wave of relief washed over me as I recognized the ringtone, it was Jaz’s, Jaz would get suspicious, he would come find me, or get the police to come. All I had to do was sur– I screamed as the woman suddenly charged out of the room and over to me.

“If you don’t pick up that phone will someone come looking for you?” she asked, and I closed my mouth and watched her with wide eyes. She had brown hair that was tied back in a loose braid. The sides of her head were shaved close to the scalp and she was wearing all black, canvass looking clothing. Her eyes were intense and silver and they matched the giant ass knife she was holding.

“Answer me or I take an ear,” she hissed, holding up the knife, I yelped and flinched away, almost knocking the chair over.

“Yes, yes, Jaz will worry,” I said, and she groaned.

“Ok, you’re going to answer the phone, and tell him that you ran off with someone, got it? Tell him that the wedding’s off and that you hate him, cool?” Now I really felt like crying.

“No! No not cool! I’m not going to tell my fiancé that I hate him!” I managed and she scowled at me.

“Ugh, fine,” and she reached out and dug through my pocket, pulling the phone out, I screamed again.

“No! NO! You, don’t do this, please don’t do this!” I yelled and she slapped a hand over my mouth again before pressing the call button. She hit speakerphone and threatened me with the knife she had in the same hand as the phone. I whimpered uselessly.

“You still figuring out Lu?” I heard Jaz laugh through the phone, Lu was the name of his stupid car. “Took me a whole week to figure out how to answer calls, anyways– what’s the hold up? Pizza got here ten minutes ago,” he said.

“Who the hell are you?” the woman asked, suddenly sounding like some bad impression of a valley girl.

“Uhhh, who the hell are you, where’s Link?” Jaz asked, sounding suspicious.

“Um, I’m Link’s girlfriend you dumbass, why are you calling him?”

“Yeah, ok, who the fuck are you?”

“Tell me who you are first.”

“I’m Jaz, his fiancé, and the guy who’s five seconds from calling the cops, where the fuck is Link?” Jaz demanded, and I felt another wave of relief wash over me. I bit her hand and she hissed at me but yanked her hand back.

“JAZ HELP! There’s a warehouse and she’s–” suddenly she stabbed the knife into my thigh, red hot pain laced it’s way up my leg and I screamed. She yanked the knife out and glared at me.

“Christ, thanks, now I have to deal with this, fucking thanks,” she snapped at me before turning back to the phone. Jaz was panicking and screaming into the phone, I couldn’t really hear him though because my ears felt stuffed with cotton balls. My eyes kept unfocusing and my leg felt like it was on fire.

“Ok, here’s the deal, I’ve got your man, and if you go to the cops at all I’ll kill him. If you tell anyone he’s missing, I’ll kill him. So don’t fuck with me right now,” then she glared at me. “And give me a minute,” she added, setting the phone down on my leg to grab a roll of duct tape from her pants pocket. She ripped of a piece and I managed a few hazy no’s before I couldn’t talk anymore. I could still hear Jaz screeching death threats into the phone and I groaned and let my head loll back as another lash of pain went up my leg.

“What the fuck do you want.” Jaz growled, and the woman sighed.

“I don’t know, some peace and quiet? Listen, I didn’t want to grab your man– it was a wrong place wrong time kind of thing. But that doesn’t mean I won’t kill him if you don’t do everything I say,” she explained, “First, wait, one sec–” she hung up the phone and tapped the screen for a moment before ripping the duct tape half off and holding it up to my face.

“Passcode,” she ordered, I couldn’t really hear her though. She poked a finger into my leg, right where the cut was and I screamed again. “Passcode.” she hissed again.

“4426,” I said as the phone started ringing again, the sound of it made my head pound and I groaned.

“I said give me a fucking minute jesus,” she growled into the phone.

“You fucking bitch if you touch one god damn hair on his head I will–” she cut Jaz off by hanging up and then snarled at something she saw on the phone.

“Oh fuck you,” she grumbled, probably at the find friends she’d figured out I had turned on, something like terror clenched my gut as she tossed the ringing phone against the wall of the warehouse. I blinked and suddenly my hands were zip tied together again and my legs were free, I tried kicking out at her but she just tossed me over her shoulder again and I passed out again. The last thing I could think of was fuck me.

*E*

Nadia was probably not going to be very happy. Then again, I didn’t really care that much. I ignored the slight uneasy anticipation I was having as I knocked on Nadia’s door while holding a mostly-conscious guy over my shoulders. I had to knock twice before I heard the sound of Nadia waking up, and when she finally opened the door she looked pissed, when she saw me though she raised a brow, then looked over to where I was holding Link.

“This better not be some kind of complicated foreplay, I was sleeping,” Nadia said, and I rolled my eyes.

“I need your help,” I bit out, and Nadia threw back her head and cackled. She was wearing a bright red, silk, kimono. It had sleeves that opened up and then hung down almost to her knees, it seemed a little impractical, her black hair was up in a haphazard bun and she had a sleep mask shoved up her face that said “Bitches Need Beauty Sleep” but I knew she hadn’t been sleeping because she still had her makeup on. It was slightly outrageous, but didn’t look bad, bright shimmery green eyeshadow and thick black eyeliner. That with the pounds of highlighter on her cheekbones made her look like some kind of heiress, or goddess. She sighed and started undoing the kimono strap, probably to swap sides and I rolled my eyes.

“I’m not killing him,” I said, and she looked up at me skeptically. I shrugged, “Yet.”

“Fine, come in, what do you need help with?” She asked, stepping aside so that I could come in. She closed the door and then crossed her arms over her chest. Her heavy makeup made her eyes look smaller than usual, but somehow that didn’t affect her overall stunning looks.

“Well, do you have a chair I could tie him to? Or a room I could stuff him in?” I asked, and Nadia rolled her eyes but walked into the kitchen and pulled out a chair on her way. I set down Link and started securing him to the chair, before I followed Nadia into the kitchen where she was boiling water for tea.

“Do you have any of the gyoza left over?” I asked, opening her fridge to dig around.

“No, you ate all of it last time you were here, in like, two sittings. Those took me a whole day to make you heathen,” she grumbled and I shrugged again.

“So, you going to tell me who that is? And why you’re covered in blood and dropping on my doorstep at the ass crack of dawn?”

“Yeah, I was finishing up with Trickston and then this kid popped up out of nowhere, he saw the body. I haven’t decided what to do with him, maybe he’ll just bleed out,” I said, pulling a package of pizza rolls out of the freezer and clicking on the oven. Nadia made a distressed face and rushed over to Link, who was still slumped over unconscious.

“Is he still bleeding?? Leah this is fucking cashmere you prick!” she hissed, hurrying to use the tie on her robe and a dishtowel to stop the bleeding. I rolled my eyes.

“I have duct tape,” I offered, and Nadia shot a glare at me over her shoulder.

“I thought you said you hadn’t decided whether you were killing him or not,” she quipped, tightening the tie aggressively. It made Link jolt back awake and hiss in pain. Nadia drew in a long, melodramatic sigh and took a step back as Link started hazily looking around.

“Eh,” I hummed noncommittally, and it made Link’s eyes snap over to mine, he widened them and then tried– unsuccessfully– to scoot the chair away. It almost fell over and Nadia had to grab it, pushing the arms down and leaning in close to Link with a smile on her lips. I rolled my eyes and Link yelped at the proximity.

“Hey there baby, what’re you up to,” she whispered and Link tried his best to lean away from her.

“Where am I?” he asked, voice shaking, and I glanced around the apartment Nadia and I unofficially shared while scratching my cheek absentmindedly.

“Nadia’s place,” I said eventually, Nadia shot me a scathing look and I shrugged.

“Nice going dumbass, now he knows my name,” she said, and I rolled my eyes.

“So what? Listen–kid, here’s my situation ok?” I said, walking over and hip checking Nadia gently out of the way. She glared a little but moved into the kitchen while I sat down on the couch across from Link, who watched me, eyes suspicious and fearful.

“You saw that mess in the cabin, I can’t just have witnesses walking around you know? Mr. Trickston wasn’t supposed to be found for another couple of weeks,” I explained, and Link’s brow furrowed.

“Wait, that was Johnny?” he asked, and I raised a brow.

“You know him?”

“No! No– no, I mean, no. Not personally, but I’ve met him before, Jaz hates him,” he said quickly, and I nodded thoughtfully, thinking back to all the HR complains I’d read.

“Jaz is the fiancé right? The rude guy on the phone?” I asked, and Link bristled.

“He’s only being rude because you kidnapped me. If anything you’re being the rude one.”

“Ooooh! Get her, you go kid I like you,” Nadia cheered from the doorway of the kitchen, I scowled over at her and she winked at me before disappearing again.

“Whatever, point is, now I’ve got two witnesses and a dead body– which, by the way, isn’t my first. Are you seeing my problem?” I asked, and Link gulped, his eyes darting over to the kitchen for a moment.

“What about her? She’s a witness to the murders and kidnapping,” he said, and Nadia popped her head out again with a feigned scandalized look.

“Leah! Are you telling me you’re holding this boy is here against his will?! I can’t believe this!” she wailed dramatically before pretending to faint against the door frame. I rolled my eyes and turned back to Link.

“She’s a witness to a lot more than that. The difference between you and her is that I know she won’t get a hero streak and go to the cops,” I said, and Link’s eyes widened.

“I won’t– if you let me go I won’t say anything, I swear,” he said, and I narrowed my eyes on him.

“I hope you realize just how little those words mean to me,” I deadpanned and Link’s eyes flickered around as he tried to think of something.

“What about money? Does your honey have some dough?” Nadia asked, having ‘regained’ consciousness. I glared at her and she mockingly shrugged at me.

“What, if he has money you can just drop him off with Lovito and have him take care of it,” she added in Korean. I sighed, Lovito was a local crime ‘organizer’ who sometimes hired me for murders. He paid well, but he was gross. He’d also jump on the opportunity to squeeze some cash out of a hostage situation. I thought it over and then looked back at Link thoughtfully, but suddenly he’d gone suspiciously quiet. I narrowed my eyes on him.

“Well, are you going to answer the lady?” I asked cooly, Nadia giggled in the background.

“She called me ‘lady,’” she said faux dreamily, I ignored her.

“What’s Jaz’s number,” I asked, pulling out the burner phone I’d meant to toss in a McDonald's garbage, Link started shaking his head desperately and I pulled my knife out again. “Number, or I find it out when I get his mailing address so I can send him your ring finger,” I threatened and Link’s eyes widened fearfully. He recited the number though, and I hit call.

“You got Jaz, I’m probably busy planning a wedding, I’ll call you back when I can– oh and if this is Link: don’t worry I already picked up the cat food, love you.”

I hung up and called the number again, just getting the voicemail. I sighed and called again, this time a tired voice picked up.

“Not a great time, what?” he hissed and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

“How much money do you have access to?” I asked, leaning back on the couch. Nadia came over and settled down next to me, she dropped a cup of tea down on the table in front of me and sipped her own. She raised a brow questioningly at Link who was too busy staring at the phone and looking distraught to notice her question.

“What–? Wait, who is this?” he asked and I sighed.

“I’ll give you three guesses,” I deadpanned and Jaz growled on the other end of the phone. I pulled it away from my ear as he shouted insults. I glared at it and put it back to my ear.

“Listen, I have a headache, so keep your voice down will you?” I gritted and I heard Jaz scoff.

“I’ll quiet down when I know where Link is you sack of SH–” I growled and then held out the phone towards Link while stomping on his foot. He shrieked, probably more from surprise than pain, but it worked just as effectively and Jaz shut up for a second. “What the fuck are you you doing to him you bitch I swear to god I’ll–”

“I’m not going to repeat myself again, be quiet, and tell me how much money you have access to,” I hissed.

“How much do you want?”

“Not what I asked.”

“Well it’s what I’m asking.”

“I don’t think you understand,” I said, trying for a sickly sweet tone, “answer me or you’ll be having a funeral instead of a wedding.” Link gulped and Jaz went silent on the other end of the phone.

“I don’t– I don’t know that’s not just something I usually think about, it–” I clenched my jaw and dragged a hand down my face.

“This is why I don’t deal with living people,” I muttered in Korean, and Nadia snorted. “Ok, here’s a new plan, I’ll say a number, you say yes or no, got it?” I asked, Jaz was silent for a moment.

“20 million,” I said, go big or go home I guess. Link made some kind of noise and I glared at him to shut him up.

“It’ll take a couple days, everything’s invested in the– well, yeah…” Jaz trailed off, I squinted at the phone.

“Really?” I asked incredulously. Why the fuck would someone throw away 20 million dollars for a fuck buddy. That just didn’t make sense, there’s millions of other people in the world, and way cheaper prostitutes.

“'Really?' Yeah, really, you’re holding my fucking fiancé hostage, I’m going to do whatever I can to get him back,” I raised a brow at Link, who blushed.

“I’ll never understand love,” I muttered in Korean again, Nadia full on cackled this time.

“How many people are there with you?” Jaz asked suddenly, and I froze, looking around.

“None of your business lover boy,” I said, standing up and going over to the window to peek outside to the street.

“Let me talk to Link,” Jaz demanded, and I rolled my eyes, tracking a tiny silver Miata as it sped past the apartment.

“Yeah, sure, why don’t I just give you our location while I’m at it, dumbass,” I grumbled, before deciding that the coast was clear in front of the house.

“You can listen ok! Just let me talk to him, I need to know that he’s ok,” Jaz said, suddenly his voice sounded raw and I blinked. What the fuck is this. I scowled at the phone for a moment.

“Fine, but try anything and I’ll mail you his ear,” I hissed, and heard Jaz sigh with relief. I ignored it and made my way over to where Link was tied up and put the phone on speaker and held it up to his face.

"Your man wants to say hi,” I grumbled, and Nadia made an appreciative noise from on the couch.

“Awww, Leah is your cold, dead heart thawing?” I glared back at her as Link lunged closer to the phone.

“Jaz?” he asked, and then grinned as Jaz answered.

“Link? Thank god, are you ok? What’s happening–I swear to god if she hurt you I’m going to kill her,” Nadia laughed and Link winced.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, are you ok?” Link asked.

“Am I ok–? Link what the fuck, shut up, you’re the one who got yourself kidnapped.” Jaz snapped and Link smiled like an idiot despite the hostile tone. I scowled at him and the phone. “By the way, how did that happen?” Link winced again, and glanced over to me for a second before looking back at the phone.

“I uh, I saw her walking and I just… I don’t know... I wouldn’t have wanted to be walking home in the middle of the night alone so I just, thought…”

“You just thought that you were being nice.”

“Yeah.”

“Christ Link don’t you read the news, don’t pick up strangers after dark, or period!”

“I probably wouldn’t have grabbed him if he hadn’t been going back to the cabin,” I interjected for some reason. Nadia’s eyes gleamed and Link shot me a grateful look, before realizing what he was doing. I slapped myself mentally.

“Are you… defending the goodness of humanity?” Jaz asked slowly, “As literally someone who kidnapped a person?”

“Ok phone call over, say bye,” I snapped, and Link’s eyes went wide.

“No, no please, please don’t make me–”

“When will anyone learn that begging doesn’t fucking work?” I hissed in Korean before glaring at Link. “I’m not going to fucking kill you chill just say bye for now,” I clarified and Link relaxed.

“Jaz, I love you, I’m sorry, I–”

“Shut it Link, don’t give me that, you have to be home in time to feed the cats, you know I’ll forget.” Jaz hissed, and that stupid smile was back on Link’s face. Like somehow those words meant the entire world to him. I made a face and tried not to gag. Nadia cackled at my expression.

“I’ll call you later,” I snapped into the phone before hanging it up mid-threat. I was glad it was a flip phone and not one of the dumb iPhones so that I could slap it closed. Link flinched.

“Awww, Leah why can’t we be like that, you guys are so cu-te!” Nadia cooed, drawing out the word ‘cute’ so it sounded like two words. I rolled my eyes at her as Link blushed.

“Because I’m a sociopathic narcissist who likes murder,” I deadpanned, and Nadia gave me a look.

“And aromantic,” she added in Korean, I waved her off. I didn’t care about labels, I didn’t care about anything other than the facts in the moment. If I wanted to eat pizza then I wanted to eat pizza. If I wanted to kill someone, then I wanted to kill someone. If I wanted to have sex then I wanted to have sex. It didn’t matter who it was I was having it with, and it seemed as impractical as Nadia’s sleeves to label it. Nadia however was obsessed with labels, she was something called a cupiosexual. I’d done a little research into all the different labels but they all just sounded like the same thing to me. Besides, I didn’t have time to perfectly name everything about myself, I had other things to be worrying about, like the hostage I had sitting in Nadia’s living room. He and Nadia were currently chatting, I couldn’t be bothered to try and figure out what they were talking about and then the timer on Nadia’s oven went off and I remembered the pizza-rolls.

Nadia joined me in the kitchen after a couple of minutes of me trying to stuff the boiling rolls into my mouth and then spitting them back out in my hand and rubbing my newly charred tongue on the roof of my mouth. I’d finally gotten four rolls down by the time she showed up and leaned against the counter on either side of me so I was boxed in by her arms. I rolled my eyes and she leaned in.

“He’s cute, are you really just going to sell him off to Lovito?” she asked, stealing a pizza roll and biting off the corner so it would cool.

“Probably, I don’t want to have to deal with a whole hostage situation. Sounds like a pain,” I said, she nodded thoughtfully and finished off her one roll in the time I’d eaten five.

“Yeah, besides, he’s starting to get friendly, and your dumbass usually kills things that get close,” she teased, I rolled my eyes. “How about you just let him go, just for me. He won’t say anything I swear,” Nadia said suddenly, and I narrowed my eyes on her.

“Don’t tell me–”

“He’s just so adorable, Lovito’s probably gonna fuck him up somehow,” she whined and I sighed.

“Sorry, but I can’t let a witness run free.”

“Not even for me?”

“Not even for you. Especially not for you, I hate your guts.” I said, and she grinned.

“Whatever you say 내 사랑.”

*L*

At least now I got to ride in the backseat I guess. Except it was the footwell of the backseat, which wasn’t much of an improvement. Every pothole was making me slam my head into the car door and my leg was aching. The girl– Nadia– had helped patch it up a little better, but it still hurt, especially since all she’d had on hand was Advil for pain relief. At least now though, with the real bandages and antiseptic, I was less worried about infection.

Leah–I’d finally learned the name of the girl who’d kidnapped me–still hadn’t filled me in on where we were headed but I got re-zip-tied and duct taped for it. Part of me hoped it was to some rendezvous point where I’d see Jaz again. I wanted to be home, sitting on my couch with my cats watching some documentary that would make Jaz yawn over dramatically.

The other part of me though, really didn’t want Jaz to pay 20 million dollars. I was feeling guilty just thinking about him spending that much for me. The wedding cost had already been a bone of contention between us and now this?

I groaned as Leah went over another pothole.

“Stop moaning we’re almost there,” she said, tone sounding flat and completely unapologetic. The only thing I knew about our destination was that she’d had a phone conversation with someone named ‘Lovito.’ I didn’t know who ‘Lovito’ was or what they wanted, but I was nervous about meeting them. My anticipation only grew as Leah suddenly stopped the car and got out. I strained to hear the muffled voices from outside the car.

“...Leah, Leah, lovely Leah, how’ve you been darling?” a voice drawled in a sing-song tone.

“You got my cash Lovito?” Leah’s voice asked sharply, and I heard a laugh.

“Always business with you ain’t it? Yeah, I got your cash, lemme see our man first though.” Evidently ‘Lovito’ said, and then the door opened and I almost spilled out of the car. I hadn’t realized I’d been so pressed against it, but Leah caught me and hauled me up to a semi-standing position against the car. I glared at her and she offered me a deadpanned shrug.

Behind her there was a tall, snake-like man in a black suit with gelled black hair. He grinned at me, eyes flicking up and down in a way that made my skin crawl. He flicked his chin to gesture at me.

“Bobby, check ’im,” Lovito said, and another man– Bobby– stepped forward, he patted me down and then ripped off the duct tape. I hissed at the unexpected pain but then his hands were prying open my mouth. I spit on the ground when Bobby finally got his fingers out of my mouth.

“He’s good,” Bobby said, going back to stand behind Lovito.

“You said you were selling him back to the fiancé,” Leah said, watching Lovito carefully. Lovito grinned and spread his hands in a casual gesture.

“Eh, one million isn’t nearly as much as I could get from someone else, you know how it is Leah, business and all,” he said and my guts started crawling with panic. I looked over to Leah, who was scowling at Lovito.

“Jaz said–” Leah slapped a hand over my mouth to shut me up and I blinked at her.

“Zip it dumbass,” she hissed, not taking her eyes off of Lovito.

“Oh, you always were so diplomatic Leah,” He grinned. “Alrighty, give the lady what she wants, then we can all be on our merry ways,” Lovito said, waving a hand for another one of the four guys standing behind him to bring a case forward. Leah shifted suddenly and pulled out her phone.

“Give me one second guys,” she said, throwing up a plastic smile as she walked around to the back of the car and dialed a number. I heard her snap something in hushed korean before she closed the phone and came back to stand beside me, now she was grinning, and I gulped. Lovito’s smile started to falter.

“Who was that Leah?” he gritted out through a clenched jaw. And Leah took a step towards him.

“Nadia, she says hi,” and then everything went to hell.

First Leah lunged forward and landed a painful looking kick to Lovito’s groin, when he folded in half she slammed his face down onto her knee and then shoved his unconscious body aside. Three of the other guys charged at her, Bobby holding a gun, and Leah grabbed it out of his hand and slammed it against his temple while kicking another guy in the gut. Bobby collapsed, and the other guy was gasping for breath while Leah broke the third guys nose and then whacked the second guy with the gun so that all three of them and Lovito were laying at her feet. She glanced up, the last goon–the one holding the case full of money–yelped and started booking it. Leah sighed and chucked the gun at the back of his head so that he dropped down to the ground.

My eyes widened as I watched Leah walk over to me. She shoved me out of the way and then pulled more zip ties out of the car and secured them around her own wrists. I watched her in confusion.

“Bu–wha–you–I–huh?” I managed and Leah rolled her eyes while yanking against the zip ties.

“Listen up, this is our story–” she started as she broke the zip tie over her knee and grabbed Bobby. There were red marks now around her wrists as she hefted him up and placed his hands carefully around the steering wheel in a couple of places and on the stick shift before dropping his body again. “These bozos kidnapped us, this guy here drove us out here and we managed to get the drop on them.” Leah said as she cut the zip ties off my wrists with her knife. I blinked at her.

“I–”

“Got it?”

“Y–yeah, yeah I got it.”

“Good, and there will be no mention of my alleged kidnapping of you, or I’ll track down your fiancé and rip out his spine,” she hissed, I yelped and nodded quickly. “Good,” she said again with a nod, “Nadia called the cops, they should be here any second.”

*E*

This was better anyways, if Nadia ever heard what had happened she probably would have skinned me. I liked my skin on my body. I tried to convince myself I’d stopped the whole thing just for that reason. I could’ve lived with my being responsible for Link getting sold off to who-knows-where. I didn’t care about him. I tried not to think about it as the cops lead us both into one of the offices. They kept questioning us, which was annoying because I just kept having to answer the same stupid questions. Luckily Link was better at the whole ‘traumatized victim’ act then I was.

“So you were both taken at the 7/11 on Cross street at approximately 11:45 pm, is that correct?” The officer asked, again, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

“Yes sir, she saw them grabbing me and tried to help, but they just ended up taking her too,” Link repeated for probably the fourth time, and the officer nodded and let out an exasperated sigh.

“Alright, you’re free to go, there’s someone out waiting for you, says he’s your fiancé,” the officer said, and Link perked up.

“Jaz?” he asked hopefully, and the officer waved a hand.

“Probably, I didn’t catch a name over the death threats, you should probably hurry out,” he said, and Link was out of the room in a second, I stood up to follow but the officer stopped me.

“Listen, er– the woman that called in the tip, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about that would you?” I smiled, and hoped it didn’t look as smug as I felt.

“Sorry officer, I have no idea,” I said, he nodded.

“Alright then, have a good rest of your day, try and get some rest,” he said, tipping his hat to me as I walked out. As soon as I looked up I spotted Link, he was being held at arm’s length by another man– who I assumed must be Jaz.

Jaz was a bit taller than Link, and he had black hair that was tied up in a haphazard looking bun, he had tanned skin and almond shaped eyes and was wearing an expression that looked like relief. After a moment he stopped scanning Link and latched onto him. He whispered something in Link’s ear that made Link go close to limp. Jaz’s knuckles were turning white from where they were gripping Jaz’s coat and I wondered vaguely what it would feel like to be that worried about losing someone. Then Jaz looked over Link’s shoulder and noticed me. He narrowed his eyes on me and whispered something that made Link turn around, they were both still clutching each other like their lives depended on it, but Link let go with one hand to wave me over. My stomach rolled at the idea but I ignored it and made my way over.

“Jaz this is–this is Leah, she… helped me escape,” Link said slowly as we started walking outside. He was eyeing me carefully as Jaz reached out a hand and I shook it carefully.

“I can’t thank you enough, really, I owe you–fuck I owe you everything, if there’s anything, anything we can do for you please, just feel free to reach out,” he said shaking my hand enthusiastically. I grinned.

“Oh, I think I’ll be fine, thank you though, loverboy.”

*The End*

Lying Mirrors

I feel the darkness

creep behind me,

rattling chains

no footprints

but closing gates.

Prisoner trapped

in own soul,

skin shriveled

in ruined shrouds

blood seeping

Trembling hands

reaching out

in muted cries

cancerous moans

of dread.

Falling into

empty space,

broken and misplaced,

invisible figures blowing

frozen in wind of past.

Devil’s spawn dancing,

icy fingers grasping,

screaming minds

of ebony asylums

no release

Lying mirrors

reflecting graves

with two bodies

and maybe more

encased in ice.

Crawling toward

light, alone,

baleful howls

invisible wolves

infusing mind

Hate radiating

in the distance.

deceiving shadows

escaping to place

where death begins.