You ask for respect...no wait, I'm sorry, You somehow demand for it...you want control but there are no repercussions to your commands apparently. You tell me to push my shoulders back hold my head up high, I need to own the place and never forget my place....you tell me to rein back my tongue hold out my hand and take it all like a man...I'm not a man Sir, I'm a woman..im not all soft edges either...i turned out rock hard with a flat stomach and a tight grip in my shoulder blades to hold myself back from your verbal backlashes....people say there's a special bond between us maybe there is...they tell me I should be proud of where I came from I tell them I am...I'm not proud of where I came from I'm much more proud of how I made it through, i learnt a long time ago the difference between respect and pride Sir...I learnt a long time ago that you and I were always on opposite sides Sir,...I learnt a long time ago that every man can be a father but not every man can be a dad. You certainly never chose to be one. Xx~Alex

I love you, I'm sorry...I love you, I have to go...I love you, it was my fault,.... I love you, we can't do this anymore....I love you, I need you to trust me....I love you, I'll be back I promise....I love you, goodnight....I love you, goodbye....I love you, it'll always be you and me against the world....I love you, how could you do this to me....I love you, I'll always be your home....I love you, I'm done....I love you, you make me feel safe....I love you, you ruined my life....I love you, I'm so sorry....I love you, I won't ever hurt you....I love you, we can leave.... I love you, I'm begging you to stay please.....I love you, don't cry okay....I love you, we'll make it work.....I love you, it was all worthless....I love you, I'm on my way....I love you, I am going to do everything for you.... I love you, your my whole world....I love you, I'll keep you safe....I love you, I need to go now....I love you, I can't do this anymore....I love you, just can't look at you.... I love you, we can't live like this....I love you, forever and always....I love you, just go...I said leave. I love you....

.

.

.

.

Xx

pink is not the colour I’m in love with, it’s the shade your cheeks turn into when you laugh so hard you might cry...blue isn’t the one I associate with sadness it’s the colour you wear to bring out that unique shade in your eyes that always reminds me of when the ocean is at its calmest...black isn’t darkness it’s the mess that keeps getting undone from your hair clip it’s the curtain that falls when you try to hide your face....yellow isn’t the brightest, it’s the smile you give when you want to freak out because what your feeling inside is running outta room and your on the brink of combusting and that smile is the trigger....green isn’t trees and grass it’s the touch you leave behind it’s the gentle whispers and the soft hugs...red isn’t love my friend it’s the scars that fade but you still find ways to make them heal faster, heal better...see I could describe every colour in ways that I feel about you because your a whole canvas worth exploring but I don’t think I could ever do you justice because people are so blind you see they choose to willingly ignore shades of beauty and that’s really a shame wouldn’t you agree because to live in this world without colours isn’t a life worth living at all Xx

you say that I'm useless, wrong and pathetic I hurt people I make them cry I tear apart families and I watch them die...you say that all I ever did was ruin your life you wish we never met that we could go back to being strangers again...that every thing I touch crumbles and everything I lay my eyes on is meant to wither....No! your wrong and I know you don't mean it because I can see it in your eyes, you can yell and shout out loud. Call me out scream my name and curse me at every 2am...when instead of sleep you miss them, miss her, miss him,...miss the person that you once were but I'm not sorry and I won't be because I know there are things your just forgetting to see i wasn't only in those Sunday morning smiles of yours.. I wasn't only in those late night conversations of yours I wasn't only in those first glances and those whispered secrets you shared.I wasn't only in those warm embraces and those gentle subtle caresses...I exist in your now... in your then. I exist in ur light and ur darkness, your happiness and your resentment, your pain and your anger. I am the only WHY you can't seem to answer so no I'm not sorry that I came into your life and I'm not sorry that I'm sure we'll meet again I know that I'll be waiting and when your ready I'll bring my hand and lay it in yours I'll keep you safe again and I'll keep you warm. I'll keep you close as can be and I'll make sure you can feel every last one of your heart beat again.

from yours sincerely,

L.O.V.E Xx

I stuttered once you pulled your hand away, I wanted to speak but your one step back uneasy stare took my words away, you were looking for a way out I was trying to prove my worth. You wanted nothing more to do with me, with us and I couldn't let you leave or I guess, I just didn't want you to...I'm sorry you had to see me like this now from the day we met I didn't think I'd never see you again but things happen and people go by, and time well, time changes darling I drew my own chalked out map for you. You knelt down and checked my pulse you could still hear me breathe but I was declared dead by you because you were looking into my eyes I still remember when we met you loved me so much it hurt I don't know if that was a good sign or a bad one but you did promise me I'd never hurt again you'd always stay not walk the other way. I guess your promises were as good as your word I picked up the gun the other night remembered all the awful conversations we had I couldn't remember the good ones because I tucked them safely in bed at half past 9...I opened the chamber and filled in your despair and my misery, your words and my apologies and just when I was about to pull the trigger I closed my eyes and saw you look at me for the very first time I felt myself smile.... I guess their right when they said hellos can sound an awful lot like goodbyes Xx

#snippet #lightsout #guninhand #heartinmymouth #

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry that I lied to you that day...I'm sorry that I never told you the honest truth, I'm sorry I had to go and I'm sorry that ur hurting and its killing you to see me like this its killing me to have us go through all of this I know you tried, you did your best, you held on with shaky hands a tight grip and quivering breaths....I'm sorry we couldn't have all that we planned all that we dreamed about, I'm sorry you won't come home to me any more like you did before....I left the light on in the storeroom with your boxes on the ground I forgot to rinse those damn dinner plates from last night ....I know you would be so mad at me today not because I didn't do all the things I was suppose to, all the errands I had planned to but because I lied again when I told you last night I'd see you today...I'm sorry I couldn't see you today and your right we don't always get what we want its not fair...it wasnt suppose to be this way I wasn't suppose to go away and not be able to come back to you Xx

#snippet #regret #words #midnightthoughts #ramblings

they say you should always express yourself, you should always look for art is that what it was when I saw him or was it just too damn good to be true was he even there, Real. I don't know all I know is that I finally understood that feeling, call it what you want but it was so weird so strange like an urge like the level of desperation the oceans waves carry with them to reach the sky to touch it just a little, just a fraction that was how I was drawn to him I can't explain it not really...it was like I had all this air all this openness around me but I still couldn't manage to breathe I think I kinda understand now why Picasso painted maybe he too needed to understand and make the world see how easy it was to fall over, fall into, fall on your knees that one word, that one look, that one moment is all it takes to forget about destiny to forsake one's fate, I painted him in black and white because he deprived the world of colour...I wrote him on paper because he was too hard to keep still between the lines. e had a talent of making me forget, of making it blurry enough...I kept trying to get a hold of him I kept trying to keep some part of him with me I was so damn naive to think that was possible after all how could you have held on to him and your sanity at the same time it was bound to happen, you were bound to either lose your heart or your damn mind Xx

#snippet #him #losingyourmind #moments #slipping #life

I don't care if it hurts, I don't care if I end up not being the same person I am now...if at some point I stop being me....I don't care if you start judging me or questioning me or even stop loving me right there and then but I can't not try. I can't not stand there and watch everything...and I mean everything unfold right in front of my eyes....how do you expect me to just let go and not reach out to her, to him. How could people expect us, me, you to not give a damn, what just because I wasn't the one being pushed... wasn't the one being beaten brutally, just because I wasn't the one being ripped into pieces pulled apart ,scratched and clawed...just because I wasn't her and he wasn't me doesn't mean I have to sit still and see....how could you see her face without seeing a million cracks in between how could you look at her and shhh away her silent screams how could you tell yourself it's okay...its okay...its okay. It wasn't you and it wasn't me and that's all the difference there has to be but it was us in every part of her, see when humanity gets snatched away from you it's not just that person that has so much to lose...when someone looks at you in a way that makes you take a step back its not just you their looking at...when someone speaks out cruel, your not the only one in that space, I can't not just sit here because I carry those scars she had with me everywhere. I can't not think about it because every time I close my eyes I'm in that same place she was just in a different version of that story, just in a different chapter in life, just in a different time of day but exactly in the same world that's forever said to stay and in which we chose to live every single day Xx

#speakup #end #alltypesofabuse #speakloud #AKF #change #snippet

Shhh! it's okay if their yelling....it's okay if your hurting...it's okay if their lying, it's okay if your still trying, it's okay if their knocking too hard, beating too rough, hitting too low all their really trying to do is make sure your fine maybe even realign your spine a bit no, so it's okay if your tired and it's okay if their telling you to shut up and it's okay if your breaking yourself breaking your heart, breaking apart and it's okay if your walking in circles because they keep pushing you around it's completely okay it's not abuse kid it's of use, it's suppose to help you learn ur potential and I know, I know that it's okay to not want to speak up, it's okay to pretend their doing it all for the sake of love....It's okay....it's all perfectly okay Until....Well until... it's just not Xx #snippet #words #itsnotokay #enoughisenough #AKF

there was something about her something I was missing sometimes I felt like I was trying too hard to figure her out sometimes I wasn't digging deep enough...they say beauty is in art and art is magic but when I saw her I knew nothing of beauty because this masterpiece of a girl had feelings rooted so far out so in deep. I watched the way she talked about the things she loved and It was like the air was too light It needed to be heavier, carry all that she said at once it just didnt seem enough at times...she talked about love in a way that was foreign and home all at once, she said things about people that were harsh realities in bundled up sweaters and pretty laces, I saw in her what she wrote in pages on days when her voice shivered and her heart skipped a beat...see the thing about her wasn't what she showed to everyone around her no, it was the words she chose to wear on thick skin that she learnt to grow all on her own. the nails and hammers they used to straighten her spine didn't effect her soul no, not anymore you could scratch all you wanted on the surface because there's always a difference between wounds and scars, wounds heal scars leave behind marks I don't think she'd ever leave you with a bruised cheek and a broken heart I think she'd leave you with a cut right on the mark maybe a knick maybe a scar with that look in her eyes and that smile that you tried so hard to take away she'll definitely be thankful for all that you gave her I'm sure it did her well.

love, the girl with a story to tell Xx