Broken
It’s hard to think of how it used to be
When we would run through open fields
With our arms outstretched
Never caring where we were going
Or who was watching
We just liked to feel the wind
Gliding through our hair
It’s hard to think of when it all changed
We grew up
We made mistakes
We figured out life isn’t always perfect
We started doing all we could
To keep from being judged
We just wanted to fit in
And the only way to fit in
Is to be exactly who they want you to be
But our memories never left our minds
We still longed for those summer days
With no purpose
Now, we spend our days
Searching for purpose
It didn’t matter then
We could be happy without reason
We could be us without reason
It’s hard to realize that back then,
I knew exactly who I was
And now, I can’t seem to figure it out
It seems I had a better grasp on life
When I knew less
But the more I learn,
The more broken I become
The more confused I become
I still don’t have purpose
I still don’t know where I’m running to
But I find no joy in not having the answers
I wish I still didn’t care
I wish life was still all I needed
The older I get, the more questions I have
And none of them are being answered
None of my problems are going away
How do I put myself back together?
How do I get back to that empty field?
All I want
Is for my broken pieces to be put back together
But it seems like that’s too much to ask
It’s hard to be broken
When you remember so vividly
A time when you were whole
Not quite.
An unrequited love.
A love that was not quite
good enough.
I caught your eye for a time.
A distraction perhaps
from the everyday.
A droning in your ear that told you
something is missing.
Two bodies
entwined,
releasing their demons
into the ether.
And you,
in the end
entangled in my heads’
metaphorical web.
Yet you
walked away
so easily.
Not really there
You're mine, but you're not, you never were. I've been yours for as long as I can rememeber, but not you. I feel you, I know you're the warm body next to mine, but its like a ghost is inhabiting my room. A blank stare, like you can't even see me. You've been mine for years, but I've never really had you. You've had me from the first glance and now I'm stuck feeling so stupid for wanting you. I should have you. I shouldn't have to feel so insecure about very move I make. I shouldn't feel like I need to constantly get you, constantly trying to keep you and I never succeed. You've been aloof, constantly just out of reach whilst still firmly in my grasp and its like I'm just not holding on tightly enough. I'm going to smother you when all I wanted was to catch your attention. I'm always yours, but I can't have you. Not really.
DARK
Dark.
The light went out again.
Where am I?
Breathe. Count to ten.
The light went out again.
I can’t see you near.
Breathe. Count to ten.
Open your eyes, it’s okay.
I can’t see you near.
It’s so dark in here.
Open your eyes, it’s okay.
I see the slightest bit of light.
It’s so dark in here.
I can’t find the light. Wait.
I see the slightest bit of light.
Where is that coming from?
I can’t find the light. Wait.
Dark.
Where is that coming from?
Where am I?
People
Why do people do this?
Deception.
Betrayal.
Why do people think it is okay?
Deception.
Betrayal.
Why do people think it is okay?
It is not.
This goes out to all of those people who have been let go, slipped out of someone’s life.
It doesn’t work how you think it does.
You can’t just say sorry.
Sorry doesn’t do anything.
It just reminds me.
It just reminds me of how you betrayed me.
It reminds me of how I lost a best friend.
-N.J.
The Fight
Why I am not good enough
Why can’t I be pretty like her
Why can’t I be easy to talk to like him
“Shush”
My anxiety scolds me
“Go put on some makeup
So people don’t think you’re ugly”
Why am I not good enough?
Everyday my anxiety plagues me
With another imaginary flaw
“Go hangout with people
so you don’t look so lonely”
“Don’t eat so much”
“Don’t care if it’s dangerous
Just do it”
“Don’t be so annoying”
“Stop being clingy”
“Don’t let yourself be happy”
...stop it
“What?”
My anxiety is surprised
Stop it
“No.”
This is my mind
My life
My thoughts
Stop it.
And it stopped.
For today.
I’ll just have to be ready for tomorrow
-Z
Unseen
Pounding, banging,
a cacophony of the unwanted.
Every look, every gesture,
welcomes in a new wave of
doubt,
fear,
paranoia.
Every sight, every perception,
adds to the clanging,
the throbbing
of an internal hailstorm.
Brought without cause,
manifested by thought,
ingrained by habit,
the eyes dart,
the heart quickens,
the breath halts,
All masked with a smile and a nod.
Fear
From the day, you're born you're told,
a stranger means danger.
You see a man up ahead walking towards you.
You feel your heart in your fingertips,
when he looks at you.
This may be the day.
This might be the man.
The one your mother warned you about.
The one the news warned you about.
The heat spreads to your whole body.
You clutch to the knife in your pocket.
"This might save your life one day"
Your father's words echo through your mind.
Fear.
You can't hear anything.
You can't see anything,
except the pavement in front of you.
He's getting closer.
You can almost hear him breathe.
You glance up only to memorize his face.
He's staring at you.
He's grinning.
He said something.
He passed you.
You're okay.
Breathe.
You're safe.
You can see another man walking towards you a few blocks ahead.
Start at the beginning.
A stranger means danger.
You can feel your heart in your fingertips,
when he looks at you.
This may be the day.
This might be the man.
The one your mother warned you about.
The heat spreads to your whole body.
You clutch to the knife in your pocket.
He turned the corner.
You're okay.
Breathe.
You're safe.
There's another man.
Start over.
A stranger means danger.
You can feel your heart in your fingertips,
When he looks at you.
This is fear.
The feeling of strangers,
Of men.