I can’t do this anymore .
What’s the point of sleeping now ,
when Anxiety haunts me worst in bed .
What’s the point in sleeping now ,
when pain awaits me when I wake .
What’s the point of sleeping now ,
when torment lies I’m my head .
What’s the point in sleeping now ,
when dreams are the cause of my dismay .
Everything is perfect there .
I’m normal .
I’m not depressed .
I didn’t chase away my friends .
I wasn’t the cause of someone’s death .
I still believed in hopes and dreams .
My parents believed in them with me .
Demons didn’t lie in my head .
Sadness didn’t lie in my bed .
I spoke truth with every word I said .
Lies didn’t exist , that was the dream I made .
Was it that much
to dream for ?
I didn’t want a house .
With people I loved ,
I just wanted a home .
I didn’t want toys ,
Someone to talk to ,
I hated being alone .
I didn’t want a phone ,
Your love and attention ,
That’s all I ever wanted .
But I guess that was too much ,
considered how it ended .
And now you question me ?
You were the one who told me I didn’t have a home .
You were the one who left me alone .
You were the one who gave me that phone .
This was more than 8 years ago .
And now what ?
Because I accepted the fact I didn’t have a home .
Because I got used to being alone .
Because I started using that phone .
I’m a weird, ungrateful kid ?
It’s called learn and adapt .
When you realise no one loved you , you give up on a home .
When you know no one wants to talk with you ,
you get used to being alone .
When you are given a phone ,
to distract you from the warm affection you seeked ,
a phone screen could be warm too ,
that was why you used it .
All I wanted to hear were two fucking words .
″ Good Job ”
Was that really so much to ask ?
You didn’t need to say it warmly ,
You didn’t even need to say it directly to me .
As long as I knew I wasn’t that useless .
Did you know ?
I wanted the first person to congragulate me for something , anything .
I wanted the person to be you .
But no .
It was some random stranger , whom I never knew .
Why did they even congragulate me ?
I had never met them before .
So why .
Why would someone I didn’t know congragulate me ,
when you never bothered to .
Did you know how much it hurt me ?
To see a kid you never met before ,
get all the praise I ever wished for ,
from you .
The competition that day ,
English if I remember .
I was the one who won it .
From categories 5 to 6 .
Individual category .
Writing category .
Comprehension and grammar category .
4 categories in total .
Or at least , the ones I signed up for .
I won them all .
I stood on stage to take the prizes ,
only to realise you were really bias .
You stood in the middle row .
Arms crossed .
Face unchanging .
I couldn’t understand you .
Then again I never did .
Wasn’t that your dream for me ?
For me to win that competition .
Wasn’t that what you wanted ?
If not , why did you look so dissappointed .
I only did what you wanted .
I won that competition solely for you .
I’m not one for standing on-stage , recieving applause .
It only creeped me out , nothing more .
I hated it .
So tell me why ,
after that whole prize-giving ceremony .
Why did you go ,
to the second prize winner ,
and congragulate them ,
all while ignoring me ,
when I tried giving you the trophy .
Why .
You told me .
Second place was only for those who settled for lesser .
So why .
Why did you congragulate them ,
but not me .
If second-place winners were as bad as you told me ,
then why did you congragulate them .
So .
From that day on I realised .
That nothing I did would ever satisfy you .
I still went on winning other competitions after that day .
Years went by .
Only for you to keep downplaying my accomplishments .
Do you know what made me break ?
The art competition .
My first and last art competition .
Do you remember how I won ?
Or...do you remember cursing my dreams right after .
No ?
Then again ,
your memory somehow always turns foggy ,
when it comes to things like this .
How about this ?
Do you remember...what my dream even was ?
It was to be an artist .
Do you remember...who gave me that dream ?
You .
Remember when you used to flood my brain ,
my heart ,
my soul ,
with all of your broken dreams ?
Remember when you made it ,
my job ,
to fufill those dreams ?
And when I did ,
you only grew more distant from me .
Why ?
I guess you must be happy now .
Since my dreams turned to ashes ,
just like yours .
Except ,
mine will never come back .
So ,
my very dear mother ,
What’s the point in sleeping now ,
when I know a better tomorrow doesn’t exist ?
Let me set some things clear to you .
You can’t control me anymore .
The strings you attached to my dreams are all but gone .
You burned them all with your bare hands .
String by string .
You should have known .
They were the only thing you could threaten me with .
The moment you burned them alive ,
you burned me .
So don’t expect your life to be easy anymore .
I’m coming for your neck .
And I have nothing to lose .
You made sure of it .
So , dear mother of mine .
Let me return you the favour .
Of birthing me .
Of raising me .
Let me return that favour .
Please and thank you .
See you in hell .
Hellos are easy .
Who are you ?
What you're getting yourself into ,
You will never know .
Are they two-faced ?
Will they hurt you ?
Hellos get easier once ,
you get the basic expressions .
Mouth , pull it's corners up gently ,
Cheeks , their muscles contracted .
They should move upwards .
Eyes , slightly closed .
That's a base for a smile .
Their mind , a minefield of thoughts ,
an arcade for dreams .
But who are you to judge them ?
All you did was say hello .
Goodbyes on the other hand ,
are the worst feeling ,
possible , imaginable .
You are saying goodbye ,
to someone you know ,
someone you knew .
To say goodbye ,
You burn a part of yourself ,
memories , be it scars .
You learn how to react to each goodbye ,
how to recieve ,
and how to give it .
I found it be easier ,
to hate someone as you let them go .
It's like an excuse .
" I hated them because _ , therefore I can let them go without guilt . "
It's something like telling yourself ,
" No , this wasn't the person I knew . "
when all the while you were the one who changed ,
as everyone stayed the same . . .
Hellos take practise ,
Goodbyes , experience .
I don't know how to explain this but ,
hellos are easy , because said person is unknown .
goodbyes are easy , when you make them unknown .
Wooden King Me
"I see!" he told me that night. "I see that you certainly don't know where you are. You think that simple unfortunate fame you achieved is the greatest of successes, but the truth is, like a false wooden king on a grey chess board, you're trapped, and only allowed to move your feet to a step, but no further, and on each and every step around, you should see a sword that pops a dark smoke out, waiting for you to make that one step, so that it can behead you cleanly. While those of whom you left behind, the enlightened bishops and the broken knights, even the dying soldiers, march forward... forward towards a greater success, without the sword of pain and regret put on their way, you’ll remain in that deep darkness forever, struggling to make that single step!"
I remember laughing at the words of that old man, and now, sitting inside the shade I built from stripped clothes, staring at the empty street without looking, and so depressed even to commit suicide, I started laughing, and didn’t stop till the laugh turned to tears.
“Hail to king me!” I shouted to the moaning wind and dropped backwards… backwards to the even deep darkness.
To lie...
I lie because I don't think there is truth in truth.
I lie beacause I think that's what matters, to tell the real truth using true words.
.........blah.....blah....blah...
But the real reason I lie, and I'm sure of it, is because I don't want to loose her or see her crying because of what I've done.
O, lord! You know me for a sinner! But I don't ask you to guide my tounge in to speaking the truth. That is just not me.
How much better it all would have been if there never was a thing called the truth!