insecurity

festering beneath

blemished skin

comparable to

salt water

overflowing

my nostrils

and eyelids

attempting

to swim

in this bottomless

chasm

labeled

"disappointment"

a word

I've never grown

accustomed to

even though

she tore

my eardrums

apart

with her

repetitive usage

a word

I've never grown

accustomed to

even though

he spat it down

my throat

as his fingertips

scorched my cheeks

a word

I've never grown

accustomed to

even though

I've carved it

into my bones

carrying it

everywhere

I go

a simple

reminder

I've ceased my

futile attempts

at breathing

the ocean

begins gushing into

my scars

failure weighing

my body down

to the sea floor

ready to drown

death comes in all shapes and sizes

and I'm sorry mom

I'm really really sorry

the clouds are mourning us

and the rain doesn't feel the same anymore.

the house is destructive;

anxiety slicing into the room

like a razor blade kissing skin.

life really isn't fair,

and my prayers always start with,

"Why?"

and the tears have become a necessity,

without them,

something is wrong,

and I'm sorry mom

I'm really really sorry.

here's the thing:

we were always only ever half of an entity

and your arms never truly held me

more position than action

like holding hands with unlaced fingers

like kisses when your lips don't linger

the truth is we never were ever quite what we thought

and you were only ever just caught

We sat on the edge of the universe

In star lit Anaheim

Hating the county

Having a horrible time

Exhausted and lonely, I grabbed your hip

And in a passing moment of weakness

We kissed

I laid in bed that night shaking

Dreading the thought of waking

Guilt ridden heart a thudding bass drum

Afraid of the shit show to come

A soft skin sin under socal summer stars

Somethings decompressing

When we were undressing

But no ever gave out cigars

When you just give in to it

Youre never going to win for shit

Black Butterflies melt down to fears

Tears of joy remain to be tears

I sat outside on her porch

She told me she hated me

I hated myself, but i loved her

Poor decision and bad intuition it was wrong

And in a passing moment of weakness I wrote this song

I cried for weeks on end

My own wounds I had to mend

There was no excuse for my mistake

I hate that I made her heart break

He was beautiful.

Every color and everything.

Exactly as I left him.

But all this repair for nothing.

I can't be around you

Because I fall in love each time.

And I can't end up with

my soul mate.

You won't look at me long enough

To see that I'll look

you in the eyes now.

But I'm here and look at me!

I'm sick on you.

Lately, I've almost

reached for a phone

to call you.

I know your number,

I remember it.

And I remember that

You don't deserve my love

But here, have it,

It'll always be there.

And every time I see you,

I bite myself,

I can't end up with my soul mate.

Naked,

wrapped in your

Brown leather jacket.

You poured daisies on me

And we made pipe dreams

I look to you

I don't want to go.

Why go to my house

instead of my home?

Emerald eyes

that swallowed

my white and pink skin

You poured daisies on me

and we made pipe dreams

You speak to me in

Basslines,

Lines I watch and lay on.

I wish the world

Faded away the

Way we think it does.

Everything is beautiful

and all dappled

By the sun.

You poured daisies on me

And we made pipe dreams.

Woe are you,

You believe the world is his.

And until he leaves,

You tilt your heads

the same way.

But you'll keep one hand on him

For balance.

And you cry sometimes

And you try to push it down like

you do everything else

But this mess won't fix;

A problem so ominous

You know you're sinking.

You'll miss that smile,

The Love he pours on you.

But when you see him,

You see yourself alone.

You see ripping and

tearing and

Mourning.

Now listen

Don't feel it now.

You're a locus of him

And what's a locus without her focus?

Throw your woe away.

I have you written on my mouth.

On my neck and cheeks;

Joys from the previous night.

My peach is glowing and

My skin is humming you.

I'm new and I'm so old.

I've never seen these colors before.

And now they're hitting me like

Arrows.

And you're the waves.

He's the waves, World.

Just drown me,

I'm iridescent for you,

I'm iridescent now.

Once you filled me up,

The world got full.

I'll mourn, now.

It's all cyclical, anyway.

But your unseeing eyes

will never cry for me

I can't believe your undying apathy.

You hide me

but you show yourself off

On the hill with the girls who took flowers off my head

(They wear them now)

And you lick and you

Snatch

and I spit you out

And I weep.

I'll scream now.

Did you ever care?

I know you know what

"Leaving" means.

Someday I'll leave you.