I was used to this loneliness

Until you came in my life

I was happy everyday with you

So why did you leave me?

I'm feeling the loneliness

Invading my life once again

I'm huddled in a dark corner

Praying for you to come back

Why did you cheat on me?

I loved you and still do

I want to hate you but I just can't

I thought you loved me

The gaping hole in my heart

Keeps growing larger and larger

My heart aches for you

The aching there gnaws at me

The happy memories that we have together

Is what gives me hope

To live

Even though you left

I wish the best for you

With tears streaming down my face

As long as you are happy

I will be fine

Maybe one day

I can throw away this love

And love another

But for now

This love, I will keep

I need her

Without her I can't live

The pain in my heart

Was ten times as painful

As a twisting knife in my heart

I would die for her

I would take all her pain

Her sadness

And only let her know happiness

Why didn't she know that?

I staggered around

I couldn't stand it anymore

I texted her two words

Good

Bye

And then I took the largest knife I had

And slit my wrists

Watching the dark blood trailing toward the door

My last words were

"I can't live without you"

I worked my whole life

To get close to a belief that I had never questioned

I never had the courage to ask questions

So I just let pastors put labels on my heart

And I had priests tell me that I was forgiven for sins I never really felt bad about committing.

I tried

I tried

I tried

No matter how much I tried

No matter how much I pleaded

No matter how much a bled

I could never force myself to feel safe.

"Are you saved?" they ask.

No. I always thought no,

But I always said yes.

"Yes, I am saved. The devil can't get me"

But the devil already had me.

Darkness and sulfur ran through my veins.

I was beyond salvation the moment I sat down and had a drunken conversation with an old man who claimed to be satan.

I had seen satan, and this old man wasn't him. But the conversation was riveting.

We spoke of the levels of pain

And how the church is oblivious to the hell people are living in on a regular basis.

They are so busy trying to keep people out of this hell that their good book speaks of

That they don't concern themselves with the hell that reeks havoc in people's hearts and minds.

I tried

I tried

I tried

But I have failed.

I have walked away.

I cannot force myself to fall in love

With hypocrites who will only love me if I sit like a lady under the steeple every Sunday morning.

I cannot get close to a belief or a savior

That I'm not sure exists.

I have been to hell.

I have been to heaven.

And I can guarantee you that you won't find either place by sitting in a chapel or confessing in a confessional.

The universe is vast.

It is full of light and dark

Love and hate

Offense and forgiveness.

Everything we need is already blooming in the garden of our lives.

There is no need to try to fit into a mold you know you aren't meant for

No need to feel like you need saving

When you have two arms and a million stars ready to wrap around you at any moment.

I tried.

I failed.

But dammit, I lived.

-AshleyAnne

She kneels down to her knees

And leans over the bowl

And spills forth her sins

From her stomach and soul

As she stares

Into the porcelain bowl of regrets

The cost of this cleansing

She never forgets

But she ate too much

And she ate so little

She wanted too much

What she wanted was little

She hated herself

And the hated this spot

She wanted thin to begin

But instead her heart stopped

Skin and bones, she lay there

On the bathroom floor

As slowly creaked open

The bathroom door

Crying in bed at night

Smiling to cover up the hurt

I trusted you

But you still stabbed me in the heart

I was hurt

I decided to trust for once

I have now decided

I will not trust anymore

I have sealed my heart in a under layers of ice

The ice will not thaw anytime soon

Just like I will not trust anyone

Or fall for anyone

One day

The ice that you created will thaw

I will once again get on my feet

And become the person that I was before I met you

I will make sure

The person I fall for

Will love me too

And that he will never betray me

Like you did