Come Back
If I stare long enough
would you come back up to me
If I stare hard enough
will I find you underneath
I miss you
I knew you another time
I’ve missed you
And I knew you in another life
But I lost you
I forced you to hide
I buried you in demands
I stole the hope right from your hands
but I’m done asking you to hide
so will your curly hair poke out
will your laughter rise and shout
if you’re in there
if you can hear this
Let’s team back up
let’s slow down the process of growing up
#mentalhealth #poetry #nostalgia
The Unknown
I know pits and I know clouds
I have run my arms through both Mist and jagged rocks
But I can’t name this
I can’t name what I cannot fully know
I cannot fully know the face that stares into mine
I cannot fully comprehend the magnitude of the love splayed out before me in an array of blood splattered swaddling clothes
But I can be known
I can have my face memorized down to the faintest freckles
And My heart known like Rhythm in song
Because at the end of the day
I will never reach nirvana
But what kind of a God would he be
If my mind could wrap itself around him
Why worship what I can grasp?
Is that not why I lift my hands wide spread?
I do so hoping to catch the hem of his cloak
Not hold him in my palm
I don’t know a lot
But I know it takes only a little faith
To become content with knowing a little slice of eternal love.
#poetry
Tap Out
I’m putting my hands down
this is my tap out
from the fight against myself
I’m letting my guard down
embracing the soft sound
of the beating inside my chest
I give up
I give in
on all the standards
and all the questioning
And I’ll shout
And I’ll speak
no matter those that are listening
I’m putting my foot down
I’m my own steady ground
I am enough when I run out
I am no let down
And this is no cop out
my open hands are enough for me now
And when all else fails
when the winds don’t fill my sails
I’ll put my hands on my chest
I’ll feel my own breath
Fill myself up again
#mentalhealth #poetry
Settle
I’m still waiting for all of it to settle
Light used to shine through windows
And dance across specks
I’d watch them float like clouds
And settle like peace on surfaces
As I watched
The air would clear
And I would breath
Deep and fresh
Because all happened as I knew it would
But this time the roof shook
The dust flew
And the sun sank
And all I have is the sound of silence
As all of it swirls around me
This time there is no dance
But swinging punches
That I can’t see coming
There is no settling
Or at least that I can see happening
Because I’m laying in the dark
Holding my breath
Counting far past 10
#mentalhealth #poetry
My Defenders
I have seen waves of self resentment recede at the force of love from those who have chosen to defend me from myself
I have watched meteor showers of lies be caught in the hands of those around me and hurled back into the night to decorate the sky with what once was my reality
And I haven’t even seen it all
I haven’t even come close to the extent of love that I’ve found
Because I’m not done struggling and meeting enemies in unpredictable places
But where unpredicted trouble stirs
So will the hearts of my warriors
Where lies scream
So will they roar
And where I fall
There they are waiting
#mentalhealth #poetry #poem
Anything Everything
I don’t want to do everything
but I’d kill to do anything
anything other than sitting with words
anything other than breathing
which hurts
But theres nothing to do
and nothing to say
So I sit with the empty
as it swallows me
I watch as the numbness
Takes it’s assigned seat
It stares me in the eyes
doesn’t move
and I follow it’s lead
which to me
is nothing new
and all of these words
hold little weight
when all of me
has floated away
So I watch from above
as I write all this down
I try to pull myself back
only to find I’m locked out
#depression #mentalhealth #poetry
Burning House
I know that there is fire in my veins
the trouble is
that simple fact only makes me want to open them more
to poke holes in the furnace and let the fire consume me to ash
To see what could come of the ruins
What could come of the ruins?
There’s the metaphor of the phoenix they could tell me
But the truth is I don’t know that I want to rise
I’ve felt my heart sink one too many times
Has it been too many times?
Because theres parts of me that want to believe that
But those are the same parts that believed
I had to have reached my limit already
I had to have pushed myself too far
but still
I have lasted
Still
I am exhausted
Still I am this crumbling building that would be better off burned
At least ashes could blow away easily
when ashes disappear no ones goes looking
and my hopes have learned to tie ropes around their waists before venturing out
because one too many times they thought the line would be enough to hold me
that surely I would crumble upon crossing it
Or at least turn back
but I never have
I’ve just kept going as my whole structure and the fire fighters shouted
And that line only served to sever the ropes tied to hope as I crossed it
and send them hurtling back
And so now I have to wander until I find a new line to walk
A new border to pretend to set
I can stomp out as many embers as I want
But the fire is coming from the inside
And it has to get out somehow
And the windows they keep telling me to open aren’t working
The fireplace is not enough
This all has to burn
but how?
#mentalhealth #poetry #poem
For You (to my body)
I’m going to start standing up for you
You, who has carried me here today
despite all the pleas of my mind
and actions to stop you in your tracks
I’m going to start stepping up
for all the times you stepped forward
all the times I needed you to
I will defend you for all the times
I held you up as a shield against my own attacks
I will get on my knees to pray for you
for all the times I forced you to your knees
to be something you were never made to be
I will work to fill you fully
for all the times my lack of love and attention
left you aching and empty
I will stretch
for every time I demanded you curl up smaller
I will give you the space to grow
I once scorned you for inhabiting
I will fail you, this is inevitable
But still you will bring me forward
Still you will forgive me
But I will learn
Slow and steady
And as you brought me to grow out of shoes as a child
You will see me through as I outgrow these habits
against you
But I will start
by raising my voice to defend you
when my mind attacks
I will stick up for you
because I have you for a lifetime
#mentalhealth #poetry #poem #feminism