And here I stand again

Looking at the river from above

Trees hum their song

the same tune they'll always have

The wing wails a woeful tune

Songs that you'll never hear again

The earth beats

Keeping all steady, the metronome

The water moving on and on

The amplifier of the world

Here, I'll stand again

At a point of life or death

At a point where I'm forced to make a choice

At a point where everything narrows down

And I'm left with two options

Can I walk away from this, and not regret my choice?

I see the sun and rise with it,

I see the moon and fall to it.

The wind whispers, laying out stories as though they want to lure me into the trees,

The water sings, chanting tales about love as though they believe I should fall

The fire calls, in a low tone asking me about all the others, wanting me to pay attention.

The earth hums and the mushrooms become familiar again and I don't feel empty.

I go where I know, when lose my way, my internal compassion points, and I walk until the compass spins.

I've known two places longer than I'll ever know myself, better than I'll ever know myself.

The other

the wild of the wind,

the tender teasing of the trees,

The world outisde of the four walls inside of four walls,

The natural flow around,

No matter how disturbed the earth

Small pieces will remain

And there you'll see me

Standing in the last places

Where the wind remains wild

The trees tease.

The compass stops

The other,

is no where anyone but myself can go,

I sink deep into this mud,

eons are spent here

the madness suffocates,

keeping trespassers as a monument

fall through to a land that has no meaning for anyone else,

Only I can read the stories in the dirt.

Only I know the mountains and their stories,

I've sat myself here day after day, hour after hour building and building and building.

Breaking breaking Breaking

The compass spins

I'll know two places better than anything.

The compass burns in my pocket.

"Im very appreciative of what yall did for me, and i know being appreciative doesn't make up literally anything But i did as much as I could for the house before I realized that i can't drop 150 dollars on groceries just to have it all disappear before I can turn around, that I can't keep cleaning up after theres a big ass mess in the kitchen and its left it there for anyone else to do. Im not a maid, im not a cleaning lady. I cant pay a 310 gas bill that i didnt know about until it was too late, i cant drop money on food I won't get to eat, and the food I can get isn't up to your standards?? Then don't eat! And me leaving out the side door?? What I do with my personal time is my business, and who I hang out with is my business. In fact i leave out the side door to avoid you paeton and the fact that youll try to drag me into a fight thats between you and aidan. I ain't a buffer. The only person I want to talk about fixing anything with is Aidan. At the end of all this, I don't wanna live with yall, and paeton I don't want to be your friend.

You called me names, insulted me and insulted my grandmother. I took what you shoved onto me and threw it away because it's not mine.

Are you out there, waiting for me like I wait for you? Nerve-racking yet curious

peeking into the cookie jar of love.

Will you take notice of the mask, and peek under it? I made the mask myself

it's art if you squint.

Will you ignore the lines on my skin?

Lines made by my hands that also touch your skin.

Will you hold my hand?

Anchored to each other willingly.

Will you kiss me?

the slide of our lips sets me next to heaven.

Will you ache for me, as I do you?

Felt just next to the heart.

Will you yearn for me as i do you?

Felt next to the soul.

Will you understand the marks on my heart?

the craters and valleys hold lives upon lives.

Will you allow yourself to let go?

I don't hold myself back anymore.

Will we dance together?

In a ritual forgotten by all except Time, painstakingly carved into our hearts and only realized when the dance is halfway through?

Will we be in love, together?

hear this steady beat that our hearts synced to.

I'm hiding in a field of corn, my stalk swaying in sync with the other corn stalks arround me. I can sense the air growing humid and my leaves feel the heat of the sun bearing down on them.

Suddenly, I hear a loud cracking and the corn around me begins to shake. The wind begins to pick up and I know what is coming for me.

Fear laces through my leaves and I want to shape shift but I'll be caught as soon as I do. The wind stops, and I'm yanked up into the sky.

Pain rushes through my stalk and I hear a loud clap of thunder. "I've found you. You cannot escape." The laughing fades and then it's dark.

Setting my pencil down, I pick my head up and look at Teonantli. "Sorry mom, what did you say?" She laughs.

"I said what are you writing over there? You're real focused." She wiped her hands on her apron and stands at the head of the old oak table.

I close the book and sit up straight. The white walls felt too bright, and my eyes burned as I looked at her.

"I'm just writing down my dreams."

Mom walked closer, pulling out the wood chair next to me. "Is everything okay?" She says as she sits down.

"I don't understand. Why do I have to write down my dreams? It's just the same ones over and over."

"It's because you have to. Grandpa said so remember?"

I shrug, rubbing my hands together.

Mom reaches across the table and grabs my hand. "Noconetzin, everything we do, has reason. We aren't insignificant in this world." I look up, and see her eyes shining with humor and secrets. "Okay, Teonantli."

She smiles and sets a plate in front of me.

Mh pozole.

There's a tree on the side of the road,

I leave my load there,

as I pass each day to work.

When i drive back,

I welcome it inside,

greeting softly

"Tell me what I haven't known"

As it whispers into my chest,

all the things I haven't known,

my chest begins to crack

out leaks the diamond

I used to try to patch

The holes I make

the holes they made

The diamond leaks, and I can't breathe

so

I drive

my load gets closer

and soon maybe

There will be a tree on the side of the road

That forever holds my load.

After that night, I couldn’t anymore. After what you did, I realized that I am worth 10 of you. but your worth wasn’t much anyway. I was 14 when I started my plan for you. I spent six months after I turned 16 convincing people I was you. I spoke like you, walked like you, and ate like you. I gained weight to look like you. I tried to get a tattoo like yours but I don’t like needles so I made sure to always cover myself. I practiced your handwriting until even my forensics teacher proclaimed that it was -perfect- I had your boyfriend convinced.

Soon it was time to filed your taxes. I went before you, filed myself as a dependent, wrote down random numbers until the papers were full. I submitted them with ease. The lady didn’t give me a second glance at the id card. Her job was more stressful and I was possibly the easiest client she had all day.

Then I took your truck. I made sure to run all the red lights in town, make sure all the cameras caught me. It would take a while for the tax fraud to go through but the tickets would take about one to two months.

I took out a loan in your name. 5000 American dollars. I made sure to ruin your credit. You didn’t know about it and I didn’t pay for it. I transfer a few bucks into a bank account in Mexico. Converted into pesos, I would live a decent life until the money ran out.

Then came the most dangerous part. I had to do it. I spent three years planning for this moment. I hyped myself up, I learned the human anatomy, I went to guns ranges everywhere practicing.

You always spent time with drug users and dealers. You owned guns illegally. I knew that if I got this to work, I would be free from you for the rest of my life. I stole your gun and made sure that the numbers were filed away. I wore gloves that night. I kept my face in view of the cameras. Just enough to see that its you. After all every knows you or well us.

It was 10:30 pm. I was four blocks away from the police station at a E-Z mart. I walked in and walked around for a bit. I could tell the man was watching me. I picked out a zebra cake, your favorite snack and a large Dr.Pepper. I walked up the register and acted like I was looking for the money.

I shot the man in the shoulder. I called the police and waited a few seconds before leaving the store walking. I called you to meet me three blocks away. I took the gloves off when you came in view. When you saw me I think that you realized that this wasn’t something you could fix. I think that you would’ve taken the blame even if there was no evidence. I gave you the gun and the clothes. You didn’t have to fix your hair, you didn’t have to do anything to make yourself look like me.

You walked away from me. I waited till you were a small dot away and I powered my phone off. I took the sim card out and snapped it in half. the phone its self I threw in the culvert. I turned on the burner I had and called 911. I told them I had seen a women walking down the street with a gun in her had and blood on her shoes. I watched as a cop car picked you up and arrested you. I watched as my plan came to a close. You would plead guilty, It would be a open and shut case. You’d be sentenced to 20 years for aggravted assault with a deadly weapon and who know what else.

You'd take the blame for me, over and over again. That's what I'm counting on.

TO KATHARINE ******* INMATE # 11535

dear mummy,

thank you for the Wonderful letter. A True literay genius. Catch the cowboys game the other night? Horrible wasn’t it?

You know that Our family is extremely Unsettled Regaring your incarceration.

Be that As it may i, myself, hoping that you will be Calmer and more Kinder.

with all my love,

your daughter.

TW: thoughts about unaliving, self harm and substance abuse

°

°

°

When do I feel alive?

Maybe when I'm going 60 to the Rainbow Station for something to ease my mind into a silence.

The fog brings me comfort, a hug I never got.

Maybe when I'm going 70 down a back road

The moonlight catching the same way it did when I ran into the woods, afraid but excited.

Maybe it's when I light my cigarette inside of the car going 90 up the highway.

The lighter reminding me of the burns on my arms inflicted, trophies of the fights my mind would win against me.

Maybe it's when I'm driving and contemplating on ending it all with just an extra sharp turn.

Permanent silence.

Maybe... I should stop driving so far from home.

*sort of a sequal to my reasons*

In my chest, There is four stalagmites. Two are shorter than the others. But they tower over me. They whisper my fears to me, saying the same things over and over like a scene of a movie on loop. Sometimes a new phrase will be added and it shakes me to the core. It shakes me and those horrid pillars of minerals. They move back and forth and sometimes it feels like they are watching me so they can add another fear. Once a long time ago there was one stalagmite. It sat on my bladder and the tip poked the bottom of my heart. In the cave it was just this stalagmite for years and years. It was a powerful being always saying things and ordering me to do its dirty work. It was strong and I thought it would always be there. But one day, the cave shook so terribly that it cracked. One large crack. Then it fell. It toppled down and When the dust cleared, nothing was there. I felt empty. No one to love and no one loved. I traveled until I found a family. In the Giants place, two stalagmites started growing then two more came to be.

I find that these beings are much kinder than the giant. They don't force me to do anything and they just whisper fears. Fears and nothing else. Often they are pointless fears. But scary notherless. When the cave was empty, I would wander in there for hours getting more and more lost until I dragged myself from the dark. When Giant was there, I couldn't wander at all but with these four I can move so freely and feel so deeply.