Arcadia

•

night sky lies bereft and bound

my fingers, cold and tired still,

tracing the fading stars

in one final attempt

to pull myself closer

to wherever home is

through the dark clouds

and distant emotions

that linger high in the air

and my lips, cold and puckered,

whistling melody of the dust

for all things i’ve lost

across the seas

across the lands

and for all things

yet to be found

in me, in you, in us

and for all of you i’ve missed

what stories would the wind tell you?

i wonder, as i clench shifting sands anew

while the world starts waking up

into a hollow dream,

i step away from that sleepless night

to somewhere we don’t belong

with seashells in my pocket

and ocean air in my lungs.

•

Somewhere

23.09.19

5:15 AM

https://youtu.be/wwI8ZLEMtRE

If I could hold your addiction, a tangible darkness, I’d drop it from shaking hands to mouth-watering tongue and swallow it whole. Let it lay heavy in my throat. Too immense to slide down my gullet. I’d take your affliction. Wide-awake, fever dreams and swollen, insomnia eyes would be easier. My insides are more stone than yours. My heart, Medusa-stare hardened. More capable of caging that ache. Instead I wake wet. Not sure if I am drenched in your sweat or your tears. And I fall back to sleep, uneasy. Your words laying heavy. A humid whisper that never leaves. I’m not using. And when you say it. It means you just did. I’m not using. Because I just did. And everything is numb. But it’ll hurt again soon. But I’m not using. Starting tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we can sleep in, because I won’t wake up screaming. I won’t wake up sobbing. I won’t wake up shaking. Because I’m not using. I swear I’m not using. And just stay tonight. I swear I’m not using. And the sun is just a little too bright today but I’m not using. I’m just tired. It was just a party. I’m not using. I know it was a hit and run, but if I stopped it’d be a whole, big thing, and I’m not using. And I didn’t mean to leave you at that house but I was in the basement, and I forgot you were waiting, and it was just one time. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be fine. And I’m sorry I stained your shirt again, but the blood will stop soon. I’m not using. And I know that you’re tired, but please, just one more night. Because tomorrow is the day. And tomorrow I won’t be using. I just can’t sleep. And please, just sit with me. Tomorrow. I’m not using. And I’ll pay you back after I turn this money around. I’m not using. And I’m just not happy. And it’s not you I swear. I love you. But could you just give me one night. Because I’m not using. Tomorrow I’m not using. But I’m just not happy tonight. It’s only because of me. It’s not because of you. It’s my dad and my ex and my job. And I just need to turn this money around, wait in the car. I’m not using. Just wait in the car. And I slept a few days ago. Don’t worry. I’m not using. Tonight was the last time. Because I’m not using. I’m not using. I’m not using. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Gimme that tray. Hold my square.

dance like no one is watching

except you know that

he is

he

always

is

even when you think you’re alone,

you’re not.

even when you wish you were alone,

you’re not.

he always watches you from the window

maybe you silently like the attention,

the affection that no one

has ever given you before.

the admiration that you

crave after being without

for so long.

and despite your insistence on him stopping,

you’ve never closed the blinds.

but damn

i breathe hard

some days

my chest heaves

from the effort

it takes to stay

alive there isnt

much to it

and yet here

i am asking

if it’s worth it

if i should be

going at this

even with just

the fifty percent

ready to quit

1:30am.

I woke up, startled.

I had a dream, and I was wet.

Decided to ignore the sensation

and went back to sleep...

2:30am.

He was over me,

pushing his fingers in me.

In, out.

In, out.

I heard him say,

"you're so fucking wet,

you did it again."

That's when my mind woke up,

but my eyes were still closed.

I was contemplating

whether to argue and waste energy,

or allow him to fill me

thinking I've been naughty.

You see,

if I speak up, he'll think it's a lie.

If I don't, he'll assume.

I went with the latter.

I left him assuming I had another round

with my own fingers last night.

I will not be able to defend myself

from unwanted thoughts

and disgusted eyes...

'cause right now he doesn't need

any type of explanation.

He needs to see change.

So, I better start with myself first, aye?

Won’t you put your lips against mine

I am a beautiful dying thing

perform your cpr

i can’t promise I will wake

breathe me

I lay next you

I often struggle to breathe

my lungs are heavy

I cant seem to find the words

if I keep saying I am fine

maybe you’ll hear the

the voice inside my head save me

hold me close

I can’t carry my body

no longer

I remove my sketelon

unveil all the parts aren’t so pretty

I’ll vomit out my insides

it be easier for you to bury me

You should unbreathe me

I should have warned you

I am carbon dioxide

selfish of me

i know your in need of oxygen

but I am the one

who is dying silently

I rip away my Ribs

tearing through my chest to get through My heart

I don’t feel like living

it won’t stop fighting

i have turned my bed into a coffin

Depression my pretty symphony

My words a cacaphony

I am loud

but my screams are silent

don’t you see my smile

but my eyes

Don’t you see the help

It’s in the eyes

Sometimes people recognize the hurt in you

Before you even do

they put a life jacket around you

pushing the thought of living down your throat

and it wraps around your chest like a sentence

they say you got to live

cause theirs more to your story

I tell em I don’t wanna keep writing it

let someone else be the author

I tell em anyone could write a euglogy

they say wake up

girl your poetry

oh don’t they realize

poetry is an cathartic confusion

I tell em fine I will write it

but I won’t finish it

they tell me keep painting until you see the person you wanna be

I‘ll Tell em find someone else to be the illustrator

they say who will color in the darkness in rainbows

i’ll Tell em get a painter

they say wake up

your an the emobidient of hope

dont they relaize

i use my bones as a paint brush

dipping into my marrow

oh I sing about pain

I am a baby bird

I still recoil under my wings

my pen

Has became my own addiction

I rip into unhealed wounds

i want to be stable

I often post

then I get traumatic

and feel the stress

and I become the disorder

I am still trying to heal

my body

They say in every line in poetry it is a story

That’s the thing I don’t know where my pain begin and ended

For my past

Is a never ending knife

Of letting go

I stab myself

over and over again

hoping I could for once

be the dragon slayer

i could stop the fire from consuming me

I am a burning house

I am the house

pour your tears

on my soul

I don’t want your pity

sit with me in the silence

dance with me

and why don’t you turn up the record player

I just want to hear someone else

sing the words I can’t say out loud

i’ve been pounding on walls

in my brain

asking if it would free the memory

I am trying to solve my own case

there are parts of me that don’t make sense

i Started taking self love in pills

feeling every whole

to stop the bleeding

I have often

visted my cemetery

And wonder who dare kill the girl who had so much to offer

i hold my hands with my younger self

and forgive her for being a child

but how dare she grow up

without speaking out

I often blame myself

and wonder if she just pointed out the bad guy

maybe she would save her

but how was she to know

when all she knew

were snitches get stiches and end up in ditches

they’ll bury your truth

But you will roar louder than a lion

i be lying if I didn’t admit I like Ursula

stole a voice

my own voice

she will speak her truth even if it burns her village in flames and she will become her own village

I often look at my hands

oh how did I get this way

I dont look in the mirror

scared I see the little girl Me

i Am not yet ready to face her

oh she doesn’t know

the weight of her truth

I stopped weighing myself

I have realized I weigh more than average

because I didn’t have the average life

my baggage vacays in my heart

I stiched up my smile

you’ll never see me drown

I threw all my favorite fairytales away

because Bad guys arent just cartoons

oh i spent my time

pilfering through them

hoping to find out why

him and him and him

didn’t fit the mold

because princes are the bad guys

the ones princess need saving from

Breathe me

breathe in

breathe

little girl

oh you can’t blame yourself

You lost yourself in your anger

oh you can’t blame yourself

I will do right by you

I will hold you in my arms

sit you in my lap

and tilt your head to my bosom

and quiet your demons

I will tell you will be okay cause we will make it you and I

we will make it to another birthday

i use to be scared Of my voice

but the little girl in me needs me to speak for us

you have to make amends with the past to heal

for Even red riding hood ... mistaken the big bad wolf for grandma ..

you will learn love too many boys who cry wolf are the wolf themselves

when the memories get too hard to swallow

((breathe ))

(( Breathe ))

(( Breathe ))

The truth will hurt but you will be free ..the little girl in me ..needs her rest ..the road she has traveled has made her tired and weary

Forgive yourself <3 love

signed the past

sent the present

an intense wave of synth

pulsing in a heart beat

like rhytm, loud

spectogram splashed

with colour of energy

and well-crafted tension

grabbed hold of emotions

provoked willing feet

to move wilder

and jump higher

like reversed basslines

with distorted synths

a story within hardstyle

with hip hop touch

which told by yellow claw

from Privilege to Ziggo Dome

•

sweaty hands

with glowing bracelets

tied ’round the wrists

bottles and plastic cups

raised up in the air

together in a chorus of love

to salute all carefree souls

in the land of EDM

where dance and music

were praised by adherents

of Universal Religion

to keep all highs and lows

in life steady

while ambience stretched

to a state of trance

framing moments

with anachronism

and dash berlin bash

in his progressive house

which filled the silence

in the hearts

till the sky falls down.

♡ 2015-2016..

DB:

https://youtu.be/F9u9DVNnk4A

YC:

https://youtu.be/e-s1lJ_2tCw

I want my face resting restless against your clavicle

I want to feel your breath leave slow and shallow at the edges of sleep

I want your hand resting restless on my hip and our fingers curled around each other

I want sleep to come upon me, intoxicating

I want sleep to smother me in you

I want sleep to wrap us both, calm

I want your frame to swallow my restless restlessness and wake with you by my side

I met a heart,

A sobbing one,

I met a soul,

A breaking one.

I met someone,

Whose heart was beating,

His eyes were open,

And he was breathing.

Yet I could see,

Inside him,

Beyond his attempts to show he is alive,

I could see a dead in him,

I could see a death in him.

He covered his autumn with winter,

In pretty fairness,

And surprisingly,

No one got to know,

That inside, he was dead.

Life wasn’t beyond them,

I could see it in his eyes,

And even if he didn’t reveal in words,

I knew it from his cries,

When his life got carried away in his cries.