-writer's block

-being sick

-sore muscles

-hot spicy food

-cold soup

-melted ice cream

-a fanfiction that leaves off on a cliffhanger that hasn't been updated for years

-unrequited love

-a cute guy who I'm into who isn't into me

-a cute guy who's fiction

-having a crush on a fictional character (cause we all know that's a thing)

-netflix buffering

-YouTube buffering

-long ads you can't skip

-commercials

-cars with no working AC when it's 70 degrees of hotter

-not doing good on test that I studied hard for

.

I fall in love with every pretty thing,

every pretty little thing

in your soul

that sustains me

I fall for your charm

I fall for your manner

I dive into your body

I sleep on your skin

I fall for the molecules and particles

that swirl around in this universe

and collide into you

creating my perfection

I fall in love with every pretty thing

sunshine between the clouds

the first breath of spring

moonlight on my skin,

on a summer night

the way you smell

and the way you laugh

in a caring heart and a brave soul

I fall in love with every pretty thing

.

I was inspired by the line above and this song followed me through.

https://youtu.be/xvhWic5P32w

I have this fear under my skin

I can't reach it,

I can't scratch it

it's just there,

sometimes it subsides

so I barely notice it

and on other days it fills me up

crippling my thoughts

freezing my heart

and slowing my movements,

I can't touch it

but I can sense it,

I know exactly where it is

it hides at the back of my throat

slides down my back

and lands in my stomach

it's a mover

it never sits still

vibrating and expanding

it makes me scared

as it should

for that is its sole purpose

it's not motivating

it doesn't want to make me whole,

I always had it

it's always with me

never leaving, never letting me go

and now it's got worse

with my loss,

with a new missing piece

as if my void had once again expended

moved and shifted,

I worry because of it

I never know if it's real,

or just pretense

does it mean anything

or is it just "my thing"

it pains me, it makes me shiver

shedding tears out of hopelessness

that I often feel...

but at times it fades

and I forget, smiling despite it all

good souls around me

giving me hope...

but today I just needed to let it go

so it falls off my chest,

because it's been circling around me

and demanded my attention,

so in this moment

I let it go

I let it fly,

so it no longer chokes me

and freezes my touch

it will return

for it is a part of life

but for now, I'm letting it go

...........................................................................

Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see, and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious.

Women. They are a complete mystery.

I was not a good student. I did not spend much time at college; I was too busy enjoying myself.

People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.

Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.

-Stephen Hawking (1942-2018)

Of course I could list more quotes, but these are my favorite, they remind me to enjoy life and enjoy being a mystery!

"you will love me"

said the devil

and kissed me hard on the lips

"never" I thought

but kissed him back anyway

enjoying the flames

when you consider yourself a good person,

but feel that there is so much

selfishness under your skin

when you sense that you have a kind heart

yet feel the greediness of your own state,

time passes and you get yourself lost in the distractions

weighing down the love that has settled itself inside of you

and overflows your walls

debating how long would it take

to take the wrong turn

and had for the hills,

ending up in hate,

because it overpowers you

even more than

the love that you hold

in your open hand,

fingers stretched out and grasping to hope,

feeling the pretense behind your actions,

aiming for your own goal,

instead of really doing good for others

despising your feelings

even if they were born from the purest

and the best of notions

How much of us, makes ous selfless?

How many hours, days, and weeks

do we spend on contemplating our good souls,

if heaven is so far away?

How much does kindness weight?

And how many ounces of gentleness is

in a jar of cruelty?

Take off your clothes,

run the water,

you are lonely.

Skin against skin,

a feeling so foreign

you find yourself

numbing your hands.

No love in life

so you search

in solitude.

Head under water

you find no one

and only sink deeper.

Make sure your lungs

keep trying.

Remind yourself

you are still

alive.

Just because I don't cut myself,

Don't open my wrists with a blade.

Doesn't mean that I don't need some kind of beautiful escape.

Because although I laugh

and I dance and I smile,

I also have pain course through my blood for a while.

You cannot see my scars,

Bruises nor burns.

Because I find my escape in other ways.

Ways it doesn't have to hurt.

I lose myself.

In magic, with dragons and demons and beasts.

Fairies, that carry out miraculous feasts.

In love, with high schools and sweethearts and a race for the train.

A friend turned lover, and beautiful kisses in the rain.

In horror, with blood and gore and guts.

A running masked man, and a cabin in the woods.

I lose myself in the pages of stories these heroes called authors write.

I sink into magnificent world's each and every night.

But at some point...

As we all know.

Reality returns,

And the cracks again start to show.

the hollowness consumes me

the nothingness swallows me up

there is a pain in the air

and I crush down,

concealing my soul with loss

and filling my bricks with concrete

as I build my walls,

my temporary backup

for days with no light,

I stretch out my sorrow

to keep me warm

without my kin,

a part of my blood

I watch the time pass by

with ruthless turns,

making everything slower

as it speeds up,

loss surrounds my being

it digs through,

I can no longer stop

and stand my ground,

because my deepest sorrow

has finally caught up,

it slips through my cracks

as I hoped I had none,

an armor strengthened

with layers

that I added over the years,

I thought I was stronger

that my denial would last

my greatest power

and my biggest fail,

now the pain surrounds

my shoulders

covered with a soft shawl

that weighs me down with stones,

yet I need it to heal my wounds

because going forward

requires life,

the one

that you go through

with a beating heart

and one day at a time

......................................................

"may we meet again"

........................