Dear Bam,

I’d like to think that the world would keep going after I was gone. That once I left, everything would stay the same. No one would mourn me, no one would remember me, no one would miss me. I could exit my body tonight and the world would keep turning, life would go on with no changes.

But that’s not how the world works, is it?

To be honest, I’m a coward at heart. I like to pretend I am caring and loving, that I don’t want anyone to feel sad or hurt by my leaving, but there are so many times where I had the sensation of being able to leave but being too afraid to pick up the blade. Pull the trigger. Drink the bleach.

I know this may seem very directly to you. You may be wondering why I would decide to write to you of all people. But to be honest, I don’t know why.

If I was gone, there indeed would be loss. My squad would miss me, my parents would be sad, (I hope you would miss me too) there would be a gap on the earth the size of my body... but time indeed does heal all wounds.

My parents wouldn’t have to pay anymore of my debts; Cornish may have one less graduate but it’d be filled with another student’s spot; the squad has one another; my church is functioning without me just fine; those that hate me wouldn’t have to worry about my presence anymore.

But then I think again. Is the blood worth it? Is the pain worth it? Is the sight of a destroyed body to a roommate worth it?

no

So I’d rather stay lost and alive but dead, rather than dead and found.

I don't wish to feel anymore

I'm just in a constant state of dead

Dead to the world

Dead to myself

But yet,

Alive in a cycle of self pity and hate.

Okay so imagine a story, any story. It can be any genre, fiction or non-fiction doesn’t matter. Now imagine the guy or gal writing the story, got them in your mind? Now imagine that every time they wrote a story, a person in that story wrote a story about them writing their story? Can you do that? If you can’t do that then you might what to stop reading this because that’s what this story is about. So there’s this guy named Ted and right now he trying to find out a way to nicely say he only has a few friends and only one really good one, he is also thinking about how he can explain his out-put on life without sounding to emo. But he reminds his self that this is his writing and he can bend the rules of the story because it’s not really a story at all but it still have the adventure of one. (well that’s what Ted is hoping) Right now however he is sitting on a red dining chair with his feet crossed Indian style onto a small bench, while he is doing this he is listen to a song called Hail To The King by Avenged Sevenfold and typing out a story. He quickly thinks about whether he should change the song he is listening to so that he could seem like a nicer person to know but he doesn’t change it, he also thinks that people might now find him too insure for writing about how he wants people to think of him as a good person when really he doesn’t even know if he is a good person even though he has made some mistakes in life and contemplates in way too much. He thinks about how he could write this story and somehow make a loop back to the beginning, that way the title makes a lot more sense to some people, and then he gets it! As he was explaining to whoever is reading this (hi by the way, how are you) he realized that he could basically write about how someone else is writing about him writing about someone else but Ted also realized that if continued his story in that manner, then he would just cause an infinite loop of people writing about someone writing about themselves. So now is the moment that Ted realizes that he has already did that by saying there’s always someone in a story that is writing a story about the guy or gal that is writing the story that the person is in which would have created an infinite loop of Ted writing about his self and how he thought about how it would be cool yet strange if there was a person in a story that would write about the guy or gal writing the story!

Okay so if you have made it this far then awesomeness! Ted is thinking about the thousands of way he can end this short story but he is also thinking about how much fun he had writing it. Now, since Ted has made an imaginary loop of Teds writing about themselves (but not themselves if that makes any sense)  he wants to say hello to the other Teds writing this very story but just in longer loops. Now that he has said hello to them he regrets it because now he has just made another loop inside his loop! Now in every single story that one of the Teds write, that Ted will be saying hello to all the other Teds and then he would be apologizing like Ted is doing now!!! Ted quickly thinks to his self that he needs to end this story before he makes anymore loops but Ted also knows that by saying he is thinking about how he going to end it will just make another loop of Teds saying that they will end the story but really there will be a Ted that will have to write about hoe every single Ted is saying that they will be ending their story until he finally gets to the end of his story just to make another loop for another Ted!

Entry #2

Ohio was a bust. The first guy that contacted me was asking for a hand job in exchange for a free dead stripper. I knocked the pathetic puke out and tied him up in an abandoned apartment complex and when he woke up I slowly torture him. I’m actually glad that he contacted me, I used him as practice for the future. I took hot glue sticks and melted them onto his hands and then placed them onto the wall and from there I let them dry. When they finally dried I slowly ripped one off and listened to him scream in pure, satisfying pain. His other hand however I ripped off quickly, trying to figure out which would generate the most pain for him. I concluded that by slowly ripping his hands off the wall, he felt the most pain. I did the same thing to his legs but with needles, pushing them in and pulling them out quickly and slowly. Eventually he started to pass out by pain but I had a little trick up my sleeve that I have been wanting to try, I took an adrenaline shot and stabbed him in the chest with it. I did not get the full response from it like I had hoped, I was hoping that he would wake up and I could continue ‘experimenting’ with him but instead he started breathing in loudly and he started losing more blood. A lot more blood. I had about fifteen more minutes with him but then he passed out for good. After I packed up and erased any trace of myself from the building and from him, I shot him in the back of the head with my very reliable 9mm TP9SA pistol and got back onto the road. 

I actually did receive a message from a very nice elderly lady named Mary. Her nephew had been stealing her social security checks for the past year and a half, no one would help her and she was starting to fall to far behind on her bills. She was soon diagnosed with stage three lung cancer from breathing in second hand smoke from her nephew’s smoking problems, she was expected to live for only another three weeks. I decided to help her out the best that I could. I took her nephew and beat him to a pulp in front of her, she surprised me when I was done by clapping and cheering. She asked for more so I delivered. I did my newly learned needle technique on him but I didn’t just do it to his legs, I did it to his hands, legs, eye balls, checks, and finger tips. Mary loved it when his left eyeball came out of the socket along with the needle. I ended him by slitting his throat his puny excused of a knife that I found inside his pocket. Mary handed me a wad of money and a plate of cookies. After pocketing the money I sat with her for a little bit and ate the cookies with her. She really was a nice lady. As I was about to leave she told me how she had less than a month to live and asked if I would end her pain. I told her I would, but first I waited for her to fall asleep in her little rocking chair. When she finally fell asleep I took my Rio Grande Bowe knife and slit her jugular as far as I possible could. Normally if you slit someone’s jugular it would take about thirty seconds for them to bleed out, but since I slit her jugular so deep, she was gone within seven.

Virginia was…interesting, to say the least. I only got one job for Virginia and it was a man that was drowning in his own guilt. He wanted me to literally “beat him till he shit his pants.” I told him I would do it but the day had found me in a bad mood. I didn’t tell him when I was going to do it so at 2 in the morning I picked the lock to his very poorly maintained front yard gate and from there entered his house and found him in his bed sleeping. I watched him for a little bit. He was a short, above average weight, ugly, pimple faced man in his mid 20s. I snooped around his house for a bit, read some of text messages on his phone, (it turns out that he cheated on his girlfriend with her sister and got her pregnant! I mean can you believe that!? Imagine the family reunions.) After snooping through his house and taking a very heathy shit in his toilet, I woke him by taking a baseball bat that I found under his bed, and taking it against his left knee cap. He jumped up in pain and shock. His eyes hadn’t adjusted to the darkness yet so he didn’t see the bat coming for his forehead. It knocked him out almost instantly and it worried me for a moment, I need to beat him, not kill him. Sadly. I dragged him to his living room where he had carpet that was once white but now was a stained grey with little spots of black sprayed on at some places. I drop him on his back in the middle of the floor and tower over him. I take out my 9mm and aim it at his head, it would be so easy. I could end him right now and then take whatever money he has and get the same amount of money that he would of paid me, but the glory of ending a life…money can’t buy that pleasure. I put my gun away and kick him in the ribs. He starts to cough and rolls to his side. I go into his kitchen and grab a cast-iron skillet that was on the dirty, stained filled stove. I take it over to him and slap him in the face for a little bit until he comes to fully. When he does I beat him repeatedly for a few minutes. He just lays there and takes it. I leave him bleeding on the floor and leave, not satisfied. I check my messages and don’t have any for North Carolina so I decide to stay in Virginia and the next night I enter the guys house again. This time however I try something else. I wear a mask and kidnap the man and take him to a empty house that’s just down the street. I tie him up to support beams that are hanging from the ceiling and muffle his mouth. I take a black whip that has chrome studs every few inches and I whip him in the back. Here’s where things get…weird. The first time I whipped him he just tensed up, the  second time he moaned. I didn’t think much of it so I continued, he started to chant someone’s name. Saying it over and over again. I keep the mask on but I stop whipping him. When I untie him he tries to embrace me so I punch him in the nose and watch him fall. At this point I am highly disgusted and I just want to shoot him and leave. I punch him over and over again and again he just lays there and takes it. I find this more disturbing than him liking the whipping. I can’t stand him at this point. Why can’t he just TRY to fight back!? I take my pistol out and stick it in his mouth. I shout at him, taunting him, trying to get him to do something, anything. But he just lays there and starts to cry. I close my eyes and take three deep breaths and then pull the trigger. Scum. I remove my presents from ever being in both houses and drive away.

I decide that I need a break. I have a hobby. It’s my favorite pastime. I take a pair of binoculars and spy on people. I pick ten people, write down their license plate numbers, and from there I find out who they are, I then pick one person and find out everything about them. I find out their daily routines, there cycles that they enter every day. Speaking of cycles have you ever realized how life is just a cycle of doing the same thing over and over again until we enter into a new cycle with small little bumps and changes along the way just to enter another cycle? No, just me? Okay that’s fine. But anyway after I learn all I can about them, I exposed their deepest darkest secrets and then, once they fill that there life is over, I kill them. I don’t physically torture them before I kill them, I either use a rifle and shoot them at a distance, or I get up close and personal and kill them with my 9mm. I wonder who will be next? Will it be someone that you know? Someone that you trust? Or maybe it will even be you? Only time will tell.

Yours truly, Ted

Entry #1

To any new customers, I have finished yet another task of mine brought forth to me by my fellow man. After so many years of being in the art field, I have learned that customers tend to come back from time to time, while others will never come back at all. Some will recommend my services while others will never speak of me again. I am alone. I am no where but I am also everywhere. I have access to almost everyone’s personal information. I am a stalker, a deceiver, I am the reflection in the mirror that you tell your deep dark secrets to. But I am also normal. I work just like every other person should do. I make a living by working hard and doing my job right. I apply my services to those who need it, not to those who want it. I do not take any aspect of my job personal. I do the job and that is that. If you need something done I will be in three locations on the next 36 hours. 

Location #1: Ohio – I will be in Ohio for 12 hours and will accept only two jobs.

Location #2: Virginia – I will be in Virginia for 10 hours and will accept only two jobs.

Location #3: North Carolina – I will be in North Carolina for 14 hours and will accept only three jobs. 

Dear customers you need not worry about any of this being traced back to you. I will provide you this phone number to contact: 1-740-208-2602. This phone number can not be traced nor can my IP address so you have nothing to worry about. I have 7 years experienced and over 200 completed jobs and happy customers. You will never see my face to face nor will I ever see you face to face. So please indulge me and let me be of services to you. I will accept the jobs that provide me the most money and information. A picture of the ‘job’ must be provided as well. 

Thank you, and please allow me to be of services to you in the future. 

Yours truly, Ted