Every morning she looks nicely, dressed in her heels with her makeup and thinks that the sun will be in her eyes while she delivers messages to everyone who is lined down Broad street. They see her as a lady who carries coffee and brief cases, perfectly normal, her name is Jane. She's never done anything, to them, a day in her life. She's on time, attends every meeting, never calls out, this is the image she paints for them because she doesn't want people judging her, she is to seem as normal as can be with the least spontaneity as possible.

Up top though, there are a couple of screws loose. She doesn't see her job as "this is what I have to do, but this is what I will make the most of" in having this mentality she calls the wrong people only to laugh when no one is looking, she changes her voice to sound like her boss only for her to never find out who it is, she drives around the whole building twice every morning to irritate the lady in the cubicle next to her, stealing her parking space and laughing. She smokes in the downstairs lobby bathroom because she has never been caught and the job always seem to think it's the janitor. Her cubicle is yellow with plants and vines everywhere and at night she makes sure to leave her thongs in the toilet just to hear the clamor every morning and enjoy it.

This is the disillusioned secretary.

Most people who don't take the time to sit down and write are people with busy minds. They are the people who don't have the patience to analyze or pinpoint exactly what their heart is trying to tell them. I find that the people who hate writing are the people I can't talk to for too long because they aren't willing to see both sides of anything. Writing is a key element to me because no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing I always feel the need to express myself. Nobody may ever read this, but at least it's off my chest. What I can write down I will never be able to fully whole heartedly tell someone. My thoughts are best when I write because it comes purely from my subconscious, the inner most truer me. Sometimes I write something then come back to read it and think to myself, "damn, I really was feeling heavily." Sometimes I can't bring myself to reread what I wrote because it's just too emotional for me to want to reconnect too. Writing is a pure honest art form wherein the words aren't lies when it's a rant, the sentences are rhythms, and the voice is a tour guide through one's head.

With all of that being said, you should write because it's free. No matter where you are you can always pull out pen and pad, open some kind of app, or gain access to some kind of paper with a pencil. No matter how you feel you can always express. Putting one word down is all I need sometimes in order to reconnect with myself... sometimes fussing at myself on paper causes for me to bounce back to reality. You should write because it's beautiful. Your writing alters and changes as your knowledge of literature grows. Just as much as I love reading essays is as well as I can write one, depending upon subject matter. Just as much as I love Edgar Allen Poe is as well as I can write poetry on his level, as well as Dante, and Khalil Gibran. It's interesting to see just where writing will take you. I keep a diary on my phone about everything I'm feeling at the moment and from time to time I scroll all the way down to see the thoughts I had previously and am amazed at how much I've grown. It's such an exploration that isn't an obligation. I don't stay obligated to anything and when I feel like I have to be I have a tendency to run away, it's something you don't have to run from. You write one thing on Saturday and never edit it until months later, but it's still there and never once bothered you.

It is true when they say that some of the best things in life are free, writing is one of them. You should write to enjoy, explore, voice, inform, and understand. Sometimes all you have to do is write...

In the beginning, we're the honest most truest self. We are the art easel that has yet to be painted on. Around four or five we're either most creative and imaginative for the first time in our lives or we are into bugs and beetles because they're creepy things that ignites our curiosity. In those earliest days we don't lie to ourselves because we're being judged or hide from ourselves because we don't like it, we appreciate that we're alive and live. But those days are taken, we are changed... we transition to what society needs us to be. This change is what makes us the individuals that we are today.

It happens throughout public school. We're expose to people who bully each other because the "weird" kid isn't loved. The kid who wants to be someone isn't accepted because everyone else doesn't have the same ambition. The saddest part in this whole truth is that we don't change because we want to, but because we have to. We change through having a broken heart, our feelings are bashed in because the rawest most purest self isn't accepted. The transition from being innocent to a soul full of sin happens as a byproduct of this broken heart. Through metamorphoses we have to learn about our pure self all over again, after dealing with the torture of society we then have to learn how to walk, the walk of courage to keep going which is a therapeutic practice that we exercise through means of meditation. Life in a child's eyes is only beautiful because this child has yet to be exposed. This child hasn't been exposed to racism, prejudices, murders, or even deaths yet and when they are they too will change. They will no longer think of this world as a beautiful happy place or think of this universe as a sky full of wonder, but that it is a hell that we are forced to walk through each and everyday, a hell you have to learn how to cope with.

In the event that change is good you find pleasure in knowing that you may be at peace. For instance, taking on to some kind of liking that everyone around you disagrees with, inhaling and exhaling marijuana. People have no clue how imaginative and eventful this world is if they never try. It is a drug that is psychedelic but brings out the inner most truest you because you no longer have the capabilities to limit yourself to societal norms. This kind of change is only to benefit you and not everyone else. You transition into being what you want yourself to be and not what every one else approves of. Throughout evolutional stages of one's own life you learn that perceptions don't matter because what might be strictly wrong to one person feels genuinely right to another. Just when one person is so certain on one subject matter you begin to acknowledge the fact that every absolute thing can be questioned.

I think that it takes a lot for a person to let their pride down. I do it all the time... I don't mind constantly saying yes when I should be saying no, I don't mind being the person to take the sour end of things because you choose to be boisterous and think all of you. I'm the type of person to bend backwards, ass backwards, and never complain. Here recently though, my character has been under some serious compromises. In being the doormat (old self) I wasn't always happy. I thought that maybe one day my efforts would be taken noticed of when in reality they were only taken advantage. I thought that maybe things would change but increasingly they've only gotten worse. So I took a step back, no let me rephrase.. I scrutinized a broken heart.

No really, I mean I looked inward and asked, is that what I really want? I decided that it wasn't. In every relationship I dealt with the misusage. Having a giant heart means that you deal with people pulling left and right from you because they think that you have no boundaries. In realization, I started being a bitch. I started thinking to myself that a loving Sierra would never get anywhere if she doesn't put herself first. In doing this, everyday I feel more and more complete. I'm not completely selfish, not yet anyway, but I know for a fact that I can only give out but so much me. It's a valuable lesson that I'm glad I've learnt because I can't keep going back and forth with people who aren't willing to understand the things that go on in the inside. It's a lesson that's allowed me to be my own generator of pure joy not matter how bad something may hurts. If something does hurt I don't look for external sources to heal any wounds, I look internally now for all of the answers. The good thing is, I'm not the same girl... I've learnt from each mistake and I'm proud of myself for coming this far.

So, in observation of I, I feel honored to be me.

Creating warm vibes

Avoiding ocean tides

Honest, never hides

Love is true and never lies

Sensations to feel while time flies

Seasons change and winter dies

People disappear from time to time

No pleasure, feelings are never right

eyes cried out, won't open, too tight

Not a peek of sunshine no light

Alone, bawling during the night

Currently, I'm in the part of the entire book that talks about Man Thinking, this is my favorite thing I've read in my life thus far. I can't really get into little stories anymore because I have just about every plot line figured out. In digging for answers to questions that religion doesn't quite explain I decided to take time out of my life to study nature. In studying nature I find that everything is related to another through pulsations of magnetic energy that every living thing gives off. You don't learn this in the ordinary practice of religion. You learn that there's a man and you pray to him because if not you will go to hell. What if the Devil didn't make you do it? What if Jesus didn't save you? What if God wasn't by your side? Who is left? You. And in knowing this you begin to learn the art of nature through certain studies. The study of psychology, for instance, a scientific explanation as to why humans think or act the way they do given their motives and environmental make up, are a set of guidelines I'll be magnifying in on deeper during the Fall. This craft explains people with magnitude instead of declaring if their good or bad because they chose something that might be wrong to one but right to them.

Presently though, Emerson talks about the scholar and what makes a true educated man. The Man Thinking is a genius who never lets opportunity pass him by. He makes note that creativity can only come from pure genius. That in the deepest part of your mind you are the being that you create yourself to be. I love it all because instead of some cliché mystery novel or contemporary fiction I get this deep knowledge of self that enables me to be able to think on my own, giving myself my own set of principles and ways to see how life rotates on its axis. Seeing as though I'll be in school learning all of this I'm very anxious and can't help but to wait. This essay is very long and thorough seeing that it talks about living or just being. You can be the higher more important you or the passive non caring you who only possess responsibilities instead of life.

This essay has taught me a lot of how the influence of nature can make or break your existence or how you can cherish a reality that is more than just yours. You are the small seed within a giant plant and you matter, more importantly.

Luminous in the night the ballerina twirls through the incandescent hell of a hallway, abound the terrors of her reality. She could kiss the lips of Satan with a purity of a new born, ingenuity within her being, living without walking, only tiptoeing in every ancient blurry time. Balancing a heaven on earth while the sun and moon are her only beliefs that rules her every judgment she personifies the inanimate to become meaningful energy that pulsates joyous waves in the midst of solar eclipses that rules this tilted world.

In the midst of the day, at 3 I arrived at the beach and I sat down watching the ocean come and go with the sand and the marbles. I thought to myself, nothing lasts forever does it? I mean, I might be here today but I could be gone tomorrow, becoming a whole different person with no recollection of my life now, then, or before. I thought about the bull shit for this entire year, my senior year, the hardest most painful year in my life. I learn that I'm not the kind of girl that moves with "common sense" or "rationale" but that I move purely on intuition and what I feel is right for me. Actually, I'm happiest now that I've been all year and I'm not even a full kind of happy, more so a in between feeling that I'm just living each day until the end approaches. I've been through so much these past couple of months that I think it's time I put my feet up and let everything work out for itself. What won't be won't be and what will be will happen.

Fire is the flame I saw in your eyes when we were only best friends, needing to converse with you every night in order to feel a kind of satisfaction for life. I needed that spark that once flew to keep me feeling a kind of happiness that once was. That was fire then, this is fire now.

Betrayal.

You lied, you told what I confided in you with.

Deceit.

There was no friendship only you looking in me for all the wrong things.

Fire is all of the drama and pain you've caused me these past couple of days. That is what fire is, with it's majestic orange glow that still seems to ring in your eyes.