Never could I ever endeavor to whatever forever

However,

I’m falling and spinning and clawing and giving

All alone in the world I am living

Sleeping and slaying and dying and trying

To find a purpose for breathing and crying

Broken and ugly, sullen, deluded

Forever a mutant in a sea of pollution

Blinded by a mirror of lies

Alive but dead surrounded by flies

Rotting and decaying

I’m gone but I’m staying

Forever trying to be more than I am

And miserably failing with no means to an end

It’s exhausting to be empty but full

A void

A hollow

A vessel identifiably null

I’m tired.

and… I don’t feel right.

life was getting more tolerable and I was hopeful. But then the cord snapped and I’ve been floating away. Too tired to jump in and try to make my way back to the light and warmth of the familiar. The familiar that is now unfamiliar but still the same.

I‘m tired.

the medication is not working and my exhaustion is all consuming, I often forget to take it. what‘s the point.

I’m angry.

It was my role, my existence and now it’s just not. I don’t feel like a person anymore. Every day the fucking plan changes, everyday my life is rewritten not by me and I don’t like to be told what to do. I feel like I’m being lead by dementia onto an uncertain path. This doesn’t feel right. I was confident and comfortable and content. Now I’m scared and so very alone. What the fuck is this?

I’m tired, of being compared.

its not a competition of whose pain is more… mine is in my heart, and it’s real.

I’m scared I’m disappearing.

What is the point if I’m never here?

She’s been marked by death

She’s so cold I can see her breath

In the night her cigarette burns

The shelf above her bed is lined with urns

She uses a hangman’s noose

To lace up her tall black boots

She speaks in tongues

And writes in runes

She wears a black dress everyday

She has no soul or so they say

I know her, and I’ve seen her soul

It’s surely there just black as coal

Her death bed is finely groomed

In her name we all are doomed

Capital letters are so overwhelming

Jesus Christ please stop YELLING

Don’t get me started on lol

Spell out your words or go to hell

My across the street neighbor talks so fucking loud and much

I can hear her over my kid watching his tablet right next to me on the couch

Is it crazy that I’m pissed at my hummingbird feeder?

It’s attracted an alpha and he’s such a breeder

Chasing off the females cause they don’t want his wiener, rude

Stop spelling shit wrong you Facebook imbecile

You can literally edit shit now, your stupidity is biblical

Stupid fucking caterpillars keep eating my plants

I hate those little fuckers as much as I hate wearing pants

Thanks for reading my rants

Fuck it all

I’m tired

I’m stressed

I feel like a failure

but I’m doing my best

I’m sick of anxiety

The concept

The word

I’m pissed that it’s real

and it’s ruling my world

I wonder if

It’s all an illusion

Born of fear and mind pollution

I’m young but I’m old

I’m seasoned and wrecked

It’s so much easier to just

Disconnect

I’ve coasted through life

Making countless mistakes

Never once hitting the brakes

It’s all so confusing

Not sure if it’s my self

or mind that I’m losing

but whatever, right?

You only live once

if I truly believed that

I’d stop killing my lungs

I’m a glutton for punishment

I assure you it’s true

I smoke like a chimney

and I’m mean like shrew

You want to know the truth?

I don’t care what you think

It just PISSES me off

You don’t see what

Eye see

I feel like the earth

and I've lost my moon

Am I dead yet?

It's too soon to tell

I've already constructed my perfect hell

I wonder if I'm the chaos in my cosmos?

I'm a multiverse of problems

I'm broken and mended

Strong yet easily offended

I would sleep forever if I could

I'm not depressed just complex

Follow me down I'm lost in the ether

One day ago I was napping in eden

Sailing through a purgatory bliss

Seeing the universe

An astral bucket list

I'm skinny and stupid

Nearly dead but lucid

Floating through time and space

Discarding my name and losing my face

I'm like the morningstar

falling from grace

Yeah, I heard what you said

Talking about me like I’m already dead

Whispering like I’m not in the room

Perhaps I am dead, the mother of gloom

I’m drowning in the isolation

Of self hatred and self annihilation

Protecting myself from people or death?

I’m still here but I’m holding my breath

Fuck this place, and fuck your face

Staring at me with utter distaste

I could honestly careless what you think

But the weight of the world is crushing

and I’m starting to sink

I’m fucking running out of time

To find myself through all the grime

How can I survive when I’m rotting inside?

Soon the filth will be hard to hide

All I know is I’m going to die

Feeling all alone and one of a kind

Another odium to mankind

Fire and brimstone

Sewage and sludge

I’ll go to my grave holding this grudge

That fucking girl

That girl in the mirror

She grinds my gears and feels my fears

She knows my secrets and shares my tears

I kill her one day...

Because even she can’t see

Inside me.