I'm scared.

I'm scared of what's going to happen if I get laid off. I'm scared of the neverending possibility of THINGS to happen and I can't do anything.

You can.

I'm scared of the security I've built for myself. I'm scared of my dependence on security every two weeks.

You're more than that.

I'm scared of how my body beats sparradicly and my brain becomes narrow minded and i can't see anything else in front of me except what I can and cant survive on.

Your body fights for your soul.

I'm scared my died habits will resurrect and slither out of my edges cuts and bruises, making me someone I do not want to be.

You know so much more now than you did then.

I'm scared for the endless abyss beneath me that really was always there, just covered in straight edged glasses with prescription lenses.

You are spirit who doesn't need security.

You see you are scared of what's to come but

do remember when this happened last time?

You ressurected from the ashes and you soared in the sky

You are older, wiser, stronger. You are healthier

You are doing this not for everyone else, but for yourself.

You are doing this because you've chosen your own survival, not everyone elses.

You see, this is your life.

And you understand that now.

And I have the power to create whatever I want. To be whoever I am.

I am scared. I feel like I am going to die.

Yes you may feel that, and you are also brave. And resilisent. And deteremeined. And assertive. And resourceful.

Look at the colored parts of youself too.

His words were full and hearty but I couldn't let them sink in.

I was the new girl in the club, not many people knowing me or who I am. I get it, I'm a small threat. I've been around long enough for them to get suckered into one of their celebrations, and Tawn was the first to come up to me at the bar.

My eyes betray me though, as I see her strut at the back of the bar. Her long dark hair swishes back and forth as she keeps her intense stare in front of her. I glance back to Tawn, nodding when I need to and smiling just enough. But I keep flicking back to Rory.

She grabs a drink with her brother and two others from the gang, downing in as well as a shot. She surveys the crowd, unwrapping a lollipop. It's like she's taking in her realm, completely fearless. I watch as her eyes get closer to me. And stay. She smiles, sucking at the lollipop. And her gaze stays.

My heart stutters, and I swallow, turning back to Tawn. He smiles lazily. His chin is freckled with short gray hair, and it moves with his smile. I glance back at Rory. She's still looking at me. My fingers shake and I start to sweat. My face getting hot. But I know I can't escape it. Or her.

I move on to another guy just next to me. I keep my gaze away from the back part of the room, but I feel her stare all the same, and my skin tingles at the gaze of it. At the thought of it.

Before I would go insane, I took a deep deep breath, and head for the bathroom. On the other end. I walked through the room, between all the bikers. All the brothers looking at me, looking at my outfit. The massive platforms, the short pink skirt and fluffy white shirt. I kept walking, knowing what they wanted, knowing what they were looking at.

And I looked at her.

As I entered the smaller hallway the lights were dim, and finding the bathroom handle locked, I wait beside it. Almost immediately. a figure walks from the left of me. I could tell who it was even with my eyes closed.

"Hi Emily," she says, her boots clacking lightly on the hardwood floor as she leans against the wall across from me.

"I didn't think you'd make it," I say, slightly knocking my heel into the ground.

"The family meeting ended a little early but," her eyes flickered in the dark, "I am soo glad I came." She moves herself off of the wall, stepping closer to me. I don't move.

She stands a hair breadth away, and stops. "Babe," she says, taking a deep breath, her eyes surverying me, all of me. "You look really good today."

My heart stutters at babe, and I clench my palms from sweating even more.

"I know though," she continues, and I feel a light touch on my leg, "that the boys have their eye on you," tracing up my leg. I bite my lip. Her mouth quirks up.

"I'm sure they do," I respond. She crawls her finger up my arm, across my shoulder. I bite back a moan, though I feel myself falling back against the wall. My open my legs slightly.

She looks up at me, and raises her eyebrows. I only open them wider. Instantly, she sticks her leg between them, her body just flush with mine.

I'm hot hot hot as she grips my face, licking my neck. I can't help the groan this time. She tightens her grip on my hair as quietly moves up my neck, and I grab her, her waist, her hips, something.

And then she's right in front of me. I don't move, and she moves closer. Her lips just touch mine, just a touch. I can't take it, and I grip her waist, feeling her leg right under me. I firmly press my lips to hers, and god it's everything.

I open my mouth to let her in and she does the same. I let my tongue in, wanting to be in her, inside her. She grips my face, kissing me harder, faster.

She gently moves me to the right, still kissing me, still pinning me with her lips. And then we are in the entrance of a room, as she shuts the door behind her. It's dark, for only the strip of light from the outside. The yells and laughs of the gang echoes through.

Though we only look at each other. And I only hear are breathes.

"You," she starts, "have...no idea," she moves her finger up my leg, up between them, gently, "how long I've wanted this."

I swallow, my insides quivering. Her, wanting me? She's the only female in the gang, who could do anything, who could fuck anyone, who could make the world her bitch by just demanding a few rules and smiling that fucking self satisified, know it all smile.

And she wanted me.

I bite her lip slightly, and she sticks her finger inside of me. I moan, riding it, slick. She grabs my face with the other hand and dives her tongue into my mouth, sucking me, sucking my face.

I grip her neck, pulling my mouth away just enough, licking her face, her ear. "I want you too," I manage to say, before I'm gone.

#bikers #lgtbq #short story

maybe I'm not so afraid to bleed, to expose

only afraid to see that it may not match the color red of everyone else

if no one has my red

then i don't have a guaranteed way forward.

and that leaves me

naked,

here,

a chooser of my own fate,

owner of my own mistakes.

it leaves me the responsibility of

my own life.

#blood #art #poetry

i want to write.

i want to bleed.

i want to express.

but its as if a a concrete wall is blocking me and i try to scour it and grip but nothing is fitting and I'm frustrated at my efforts to climb this wall rather than to scribble my thoughts and my head and my words.

I have to scribble my thoughts than write them out in complete sentences then make sense of them somehow trying to explain what I mean. and the first words I scribbled out so emotionally end up being deleted into more 'sensible' words.

how am i ever to make sense of something i don't know how to make sense of myself?

do I need more confidence?

do I need more force? to push or break or crumble parts of that wall?

it's like i'm trying to push a boulder in my mind and i'm not making any progress

how do writers do it? how do artists to it?

i want it so bad it paralyzes me

i want to let go so bad it restricts me

and the thing i get out of this

is this

i finally chose to write

even though it wasn't necessarily what i wanted to write

or what i chose to write

what i 'planned' to write

it was something i bled on the paper

soemthing i couldn't decide. not really.

but i chose to write anyway.

#writing #good #bad #selfesteem #art #creativity

sometimes my heart breaks

because it’s empty,

but most of the time

my heart breaks because it’s so full

#heart #love #grateful #life

pure joy is when I stand on my own two feet in front of a crowd,

clutching the mic in one hand and my phone in another,

reading off the speech I've practiced.

It's interlaced and tightened with threads of heart and love.

in front of people that

haven't known me

haven't fully understand me

haven't fully seen me

pure joy is when I don't look at the others,

I only look at my brother and his wife,

who are the most perfect pair you could ever imagine

and I sing love.

and within several words, several stitched up pieces of time,

they have known me

they have understood me

they have seen me

and they accept me

for exactly who I am.

#ChallengeoftheWeekCXXXVI #PureJoyChallenge #purejoyprompt #purejoy

#wedding #brotherswedding #husbandandwife #publicspeaking #Prose

I did it.

It took a minute, but

I just needed to remember who I was.

#selfdevelopment #selfpower #power #myself #slef

stories love to tell of girls and women who refuse to meet society standards, and they bring safeway cupcakes to the bake sale and say screw the rules.

what about the girls and women who've spent two days on those cupcakes, reveling in their creation-

they follow society standards too closely, but they only really just want to

shine

#cupcakes #goodgirls #hardwork #strength #perseverence #intention #girls #women #stories #shine

I was left with emptiness and shallowness. No one here. What do I do now, now that I have nothing?

I look at my body. Stardust and atoms. Energy mixed with miracles. All five elements pulled into one single form.

Despite my emptiness I am still here. My legs. My hands. My body. My heart.

I’m made of love. And I wasn’t going to go back to the dark place. Not when I worked so hard for this.

SoI loved every part of me. The one grieving, the one desperate, the one wanting, the one sad, the one feeling too much, the perfectionist, the problem solver. I loved her inside and out. I loved her through it all.

And then.

That was all I needed.

Alchemy. Love. Myself.

I will always be there by my side. I will always be the one left standing here, with me. There’s a certain magic in that, I think.

Tell me, have you ever felt that magic of alchemy?

#selflove #selftrust #manifestation #5d #emotions #alchemy #energy #quantum #selfhelp #loveletter #stacksofbooks #bottleofbooks