this word is what I thought of

i tried to write a poem

something to capture the endless

and somehow instantaneous

beautiful moment of evanescence

(which is a fancy way to describe something that fades quickly)

Typical. She sits there, arms crossed, brow furrowed, looking away, not speaking. Meanwhile, she's the one who called the meeting.

"Look if you're not going to speak, I will be moving on."

"You know what you did!"

"This is going nowhere. No one can read minds. I'm going to ask you for the last time to speak. If not, I'll be moving on. And no, tears are not going to manipulate me into feeling sorry for you. I'm waiting. Nothing to say?"

"I had a dream."

Really, she's mad at me over a dream. How are her insecurities my fault? I should walk away.

"And?"

"You were with another woman!"

"Don't you hear yourself? You're mad at me over something that you dreamed. Something not real. When have I ever given you reason to doubt me? This is about you. You've been together with so many that have done you wrong that you expect it now. How is that fair to me? If you're not even going to try with this relationship, then why are we even together?"

"...I'm starting with the

man in the mirror…"

The song plays, but I'm

not able to look as

I brush my teeth. Down

was my gaze. Voices

argued. "Guilty!" "Yes,

but great potential."

The sun sets

and rises in the east.

The moon sets

and rises in the west.

A constant chase

where the moon loves the sun.

They can never touch

or even see the other.

So when the sun sets

and the moon rises.

They cry their love-struck tears.

The angels are too pure

enough to blind you.

Devils are too dark

enough to kill you.

They both live out of reach.

Angels in the clouds

enough to bless you.

Devils in fires,

enough to burn you.

Angels sing so sweetly,

enough to defen you.

Devils screaming below,

enough to break you.

Angels are innocent,

enough to redeem you.

Devils are clever,

enough to defile you.

Angels and devils are closer than you think.

Across the confines of my mind

I saw you.

Across the scar infested memories

I saw you.

Across the ocean of tears

you saw me.

We walked with each other

and shared all our secrets.

We promised the silliest of things

like protecting each other.

You told me you'd be by my side until I died

and I promised it too.

Across the wicked mind of mine

I conjured you.

Across the depression and anxiety

I loved you.

Across my illusions

I lost you.

I tried to find you, across my mind.

And when I looked again, you were gone.

Don’t get attached.

I tell myself that every time,

But my negligence of that rule always comes back to bite me

No matter how hard I try.

So far in life,

I have noticed that I am:

Too quiet

Too weird

Too (not) caught up with social trends

Too unfashionable

Etc.

It never used to be a problem

But seventh grade hit me like a ton of bricks

And suddenly I’m realizing

That problems I used to be able to ignore

Are now mountains I have to climb

To keep friends that I used to trust.

In the beginning,

I am always able to relax

Think about how nice it is to have new friends

To enjoy what is never meant to last.

But things always catch up with me

“Escaping” from who I used to be

Trying to reinvent a new, “popular” somewhat-likeable me

Doesn’t work as well as I always hope.

I cling to what I think I have

Yet when it comes down to it

The people I rely on

will slip through my fingers like grains of sand.

Ultimatums are my enemy

Because when you tell my “friends” to choose

I know they would never choose me.

I go to such lengths

To keep friends

Lengths I shouldn’t be going to

But I can’t help myself.

I get attached

I realize that losing the fragile friendship I can barely maintain

Isn’t something I can bear to do

So I clutch at strings,

Desperately trying to pull them back to me

When everything just starts to slip further away.

I don’t know what I did

Or didn’t do

But nothing is enough.

In the end,

They see me as a fallback option

Their “plan b” when things go awry.

When their top choices are gone,

I am acceptable, in their eyes

Worth the extra effort.

Otherwise,

I am the one putting in 110% to get noticed

While they toss in a measly 20%.

I have learned that I need to get better at following my golden rule

To get better at accepting that people will move on from me

As fast as they appeared

And that in the end,

They consider me a “friend”

When it’s convenient

I am just the background scenery

Tacked on to the edge of their life

Almost like an afterthought.

Squeezing into the sides of photos

Getting cropped out

because I’m not one of the people in it that matters

Constantly craning my neck to see what’s on their phone

Because I’m not the person they want to show anything to.

Eventually,

I will just disappear altogether

They will completely stop noticing

That I’m hovering behind them

Looking for a way in

When it sometimes feels like I need a way out.

When it comes down to it

I am not important to them

I do not matter to them

I am a simple object of convenience

And much as I want to run away

They seem like the only option I have

So the sooner I accept it and move on

The sooner I can enjoy the fleeting moments of friendship

They deign to give me

When it seems like a good idea.