i always wonder why i gravitate towards bad people
their hurtful words are like melodies to my ears
and my pupils dilate when i see their knuckles coming close to my face
i smile when i’m spitting blood on the cement and feeling my cheek throb
purple has always made my eyes pop
but how could i ever find my way towards something else
when this is all i’ve ever known
all i’ve ever seen in my own home
no one even thought to teach me how to say i love you
instead all i picked up was how to stab and sting with my words
how to bleed through my smiles
violence means comfort to me and pain is normality
because no one, not one person in my life, has ever mentioned that love is not supposed to hurt.
Depression
My mouth is sewn shut as people ask "Are you alright?"
"Is everything okay?"
I can only nod as they pass by and act concerned. If they really cared, they'd be able to see I'm not. This isn't fair to them, but my brain plays this thought on a continuous loop until I almost believe it.
"Are you sure?"
Why won't these stitches come out? My head is stuck in an endless motion of nodding up and down. The muscles nessecary to shake it it from side to side are long gone, ripped from my body the second I set foot somewhere with other people. My face is involuntarily pulled into a smile. Why? I don't wan't to smile. They walk off, reassured of my wellbeing.
I want to scream and yell I'm not okay! Please, help me. but the stitches pull tight across my mouth and keep the screams inside. The only way to speak is to write, as the numbness and inability to move has yet to reach my hands. I suppose I should be happy about this, I can say what's on my mind. But, emotions were the first to go. Before the ability to say I'm not okay, before the ability to ask for help. I thought it was all gone. Maybe it is. But maybe, just maybe, it's not. If that's the case, maybe I'll be able to talk again. Maybe I won't even need to because there will be nothing bad to talk about. But, for now, I guess I'll keep writing. Who knows? Maybe it'll help.
“Ghost”
Lonely lips are all I remember, it was December,
yes I know.
If only you were here now, I wouldn’t fear now,
why you’d go.
Cause when you left, I cried, everyday and everynight.
When you left, I didn’t know, which way was left or right.
Sleep was asking why I didn’t,
Smile was asking why I wouldn’t,
Mom didn’t think I was eating anymore.
You kissed my forehead, now I get to
Think about never kissing yours.
Why am I always, left to remember
The best of the worst.
Why am I always, left to be the one
Who falls in love first?
Oh, I’m cursed.
All the times in parking lots, all the
Tiny dots, on all the question marks
About us.
Are we now what we used to be, a
Friendship covered in dust.
Maybe we should have never been
As honest as we were, still I don’t
Regret it. Never cherished something more.
You kissed my forehead, now I get to
Think about never kissing yours.
Why am I always, left to remember
The best of the worst.
Why am I always, left to be the one
Who falls in love first?
My heart’s about to burst.
This is me at my worst.
If we never speak again,
just wanted you to know,
that I loved loving you and
you kiss is what I miss the
most.
But our story is a ghost now…
Not Heartbreak
Heartbreak has been degraded until it no longer describes the pain it originally meant.
Heartbreak feels worse than just a broken heart. It feels like the very fabric of your existence is unraveling, your veins are short circuiting, and the atoms that make up you are falling apart.
A broken heart can be taped back together, but there is no repairing what I feel. Maybe it’s not heartbreak. Maybe it’s just devastation. But whatever it is, I don’t think it can be summed up with a single word.
John Green once wrote that maybe metaphors were created to describe pain. I don’t know if that’s true, but it feels right.
I know you didn’t mean to, but you broke my space-time continuum. You broke my heart or malfunctioned my engine. I don’t know what makes me run, but somehow you destroyed it.
There is no medicine, no words or magical remedy to repair the damage that’s been done. I fear I will feel like this forever. I know everyone says it gets better, but I don’t want to get better if it doesn’t include you.
Maybe that’s my downfall, or maybe it’s just you.
Cloudy
Saline stars
dripping
pools streaming
slipping
clouds in your face
dipping
solitude of sobs
unremitting
crystalline drops
spitting
rainbows of wretchedness
tripping
sympathies of soul
unzipping
stained sorrows
transmitting
furrows on face
flipping
folded floods
gripping
corrugated creases
ripping
aches of anguish
whipping
when will the sun
shine its face
and dry my tears
once more?
Soul Waves
Mirror pool of my soul,
a splash heard but not seen
reaching for white-capped brine
of floundering past
growing colder and shivering
in its fading rippled reflection.
Veins of moody swan wings
hearing waves of my soul
throbbing inside and outside
on sheen of mirrored water.
Two faces under water struggle
with swells of true essence,
sands of time burst from my heart
drowning in turquoise tears.
Tides weep in salted crash of currents
duplicating the shell of my soul
I watch my ship sink into the silt
blowing whispers into heartbeats.