The villian is inside me. It goes by one name, Fear. It simply waits, fear bides its time. The longer Fear is in me, the larger it grows. It grows by my decisions, my thoughts, my wishes, my hopes, and dreams. The more I acknowledge it, the bigger it grows. It can't grow without my permission. So, I give it, I give it, I give it. Everytime I hear its sick siren call, I say take me over, possess me, fill me with your essence. It's only kryptonite, is my strength. When my strength grows stronger, the fear grows weaker, until it is nothing but a tiny speck. Gone, but not forgotten, soon to rise again.

“What gets me up in the morning when there’s nothing to live for?” is something I will never ask. There is always something to get up for. There is always a new day, a next breath. “What gets me up in the morning when there is everything to live for?” is the question worth asking.

They lurk.

They follow us into our dreams.

They invade.

They know as well, they know our darkness.

They manipulate our fears like a baker manipulates dough. Bending and stretching it until it is just right.

They say monsters aren’t real.

But who else hurts us? abuses us? discards us? abandons us?

Maybe I’m a monster.

But maybe you are too.

@famewwriter

Sometimes I think I’ve lived too long. I think this but never say it out loud.

I am worried the minute I say it outloud, I will cease to exist.

It fills me with panic.

I say to the heavens “I have not lived enough yet.”

I need more time to love my kids. I need more time to lay naked with my husband entangled in his need for me. I need more time to learn, to laugh, to play.

Sometimes I think I’ve lived too long.

But I haven’t.

I never could.

@famewriter

What is it like to be human?

I don’t know.

Ask the businessman with a million important things to do and no one to go home to at night.

Does he know?

Ask the mom who skips lunch every day so her kids can go to a good school.

Does she know?

Ask the scholar full of promise who wishes someone could look beyond it.

Does he know?

Ask the artist who breathes life into clay but lost her own child to miscarriage.

Does she know?

Do YOU know?

Do I know?

I know this. I am human. I am happy and sad. I am hungry and fulfilled. I am awake yet tired. I am yours yet mine. I am human.

Do I know what it means?

Do YOU?

#human, #questions

-He draws me a bubble bath then sits on the toilet pooping while I try to relax. He says its aromatherapy.

-He slowly lifts his leg every time he farts to ensure I can smell it. He calls it sharing.

-He makes me mad when the house is messy because he knows I clean when I am upset. He says he is helping me to be productive.

-When I doze off in the car he yells me name very loud and fast. I always sit straight up in a panic. He says he just wants to spend time with me while he’s driving.

-He always manages to remember he needs water or his medication right after I sit down. He says he didn’t notice me climbing onto the couch.

-He will touch me with limp hands and speak in a syrupy voice when he knows it creeps me out. He’s been doing it for 20 years.

-He tells stories and ends them with I can’t remember where I heard it He heard it from me every time.

-He asks for enchiladas when I have been talking about roast chicken all day. He says he likes to keep me on my toes.

On the flip side,

-He gets up and takes the kids to school by himself on the mornings I just want to sleep. He knows I love to sleep.

-He tells me I am beautiful even when I didn’t bother to get out of my jammies. He always knows the day I needed to hear it the most.

-He always makes sure we have a date night. He even remembers the weeks I completely forget.

-He started making dinner in the crockpot because he knows making dinner is something I dread.

-He is the greatest father to our children. Now that we have a granddaughter I see he is the greatest one of those as well.

- He sat here with me as I wrote this. He laughed at every single thing I called him on. We started out laughing together and have never stopped.

why?

why so serious?

because somebody has to be and it sure as hell ain’t you

someone has to be an adult, clean the underwear and buy broccoli

make sure we have lights on and we don’t run out of gas on the fucking highway

I can’t believe you asked me that

you be serious for once

because I don’t want to anymore