I tried to forgive

I tried to love you without cautions

took down the tape

see I stopped acting like I am not a crime scene

I took off the bullet proof chest

and gave you the gun

took it off safety

cause we argeed we could trust each other not to hurt each other

get to close , we pull the rope tighter around each other

neck , were a see-saw

we run through the highs and lows

picking apart

old wounds

creating scars

we been through hell

but the burns are still hot

old self vanished

cut the thorns off this rose

cause I hate the sight of blood

see I tried to let of go the past

but it keep chasing us

I tried to forgive myself

you say , the past doesn’t matter

I try to tell you boy I am crazy as the mad hatter

your the one who handed me a gun , expect me to not to aim

sometimes the greatest enemy is ourself

I could take theese nails , and carve out my brains

and you would still love me

see we stuck in these four walls

caving into us

trying to break us apart

the world’s weight hovering over our shoulders

sometimes it feel like , the universe telling us

we ain’t mean to be

Man down

wouldn’t find another

won’t let you suffer

see I feel your heart flutter

lights off

lights on

making love

cause that’s the only we can do to turn down theese demons

we got all these obstacles

I put that weight in your heart

I tear your room apart

flip your world inside and out

walk upside down

just to reach you

walk across water

ain’t even close to jesus

you walk through hell

to be next to me

you love me , even though it hurts you

see if the past

didn’t come creep up on us

we could be happy

we too demons madly in love

we fell from earth

we ain’t holy enough to rest in heaven

see we found solace in the discomfort of pain

they say to let this go

they say we chasing infinty

maybe we got that forever love

ripped out my heart

tried to use my heartless

then you go again

perform cpr

until I come back to you

moan into your mouth

and parched lips

gulping your air

merged into you

became unmoveable in your mountains

go ahead and hurted you

start playing with the trigger

cause the voice’s got too loud

I know when I hurt me , I hurt you

Man down , I tried to stop the bleeding

and my hands kept figdeting around the hole

those blue eyes could swallow oceans

see these brown eyes are darker enough to bury souls

forgive my temper

I cock this gun so quick

my mind armed like a soilder

I got to protect the only thing left human in me

held me under

the atmosphere

love sounds really good

but they forget to mention

it is the only thing close’s to death

maybe were afraid of dying

by the hand of each other

we circle around each other

like were in battle

see we know cupid

got us fucked up

man down

we too late

from stopping the damage

we ain’t happy

we will keep eating paint chips

until we drink each other

fill each other memories

with the taste of us

cause even the darkest hour

the truth shudders

through the walls

we in this too deep

see we grew into a tree

fighting for oxygen

trying to let this heart stay open for you

holding out for us

we working through this bullshit

but this foundation of ours

is cracking under all theese hits

see we built a world

where the sun don’t shine

cause according to god

even good people

sin

and the evil men win

see we stiched smiles to are face

and we keep saying we okay

and yelling at each other

saying we need space

we keep leaving the door open just in case

see all we ever do is chase

each other

laugh it off

like the

only reason

I care

cause your like a brother

but you know after you there can’t be another

see I treat you like you was mine own

cheer you on like I am your mother

see I replay theese messages on my phone

I know we better off on our own

deep down

we out here acting like a clown

wearing a frown

we our are not afraid to drown

see we not afraid of being alone

see we are afraid of what happens

when we grown

will we get old

and forget about the stories we told

and the sercerts we kept .......,

see I could tell you the truth , but I rather stay on this throne

and not crack this crown

sincerly , Tyla

Is one cut enough to understand the pain?

Locked inside the bathroom with a razor blade.

I’ve thought of escape, as I’m caught in a cycle,

Same stitches, same mind and same crooked smile.

I could offer you my hand and my love for a while,

But nothing is permanent and we don’t all die old.

My eyes hold steady as the lights grow dim

The fan shuts off, it’s my thoughts again

I carve my skin and watch the blood run down

My arms, my chest, my legs, my mouth

I could give you a hug, tell you that you’re beautiful

Dont bother, it’s useless, this body is not suitable.

My mind won’t stop, these thoughts won’t die

But this flesh infested vessel might not heal this time

The windows open, the showers on,

the curtain is cut, tangled and tied up on

I could give you this heart but it’s already broken!

Dont start, it’s too late, the fatal wound is open.

My hands won’t stop,

reaching for my throat

I don’t speak, I choke on the lowest note

The curtain is a serpent which constricts and holds

The heats on high, but I feel so cold.

Could love kill suicide? Truly I don’t know.

If love could kill suicide-Then you and I are ghosts.

Y'know when people say they love you, but you wonder if they really mean it. That's what hurts the most. The brittle sound of a broken I love you. "What hurts the most was being so close, And havin' so much to say, And watchin' you walk away, And never knowin' what could've been (What Hurts the Most, Rascal Flatts)." I have a lot to say, but I feel so broken down. So hurt and unable to think properly and function. I meant every word I said.

I looked at my best friend and smiled, "Bye! I'll see you tomorrow!" I gave her a hug and waved before I hopped into my own car. We pulled out and started the journey home. It was weirdly silent since my sisters both had other places to be. My brother and I tended to the quietest two of the bunch anyway.

"So, how was school? How did you do on that math test you had?" my mother asked.

"School was alright. I got an eighty on the math test though and it dropped my grade like five percent."

"Wow, well an eighty isn't bad though." Yes, it is. You practicially failed and now your grade is lower than a 95%. You are going to do horrible on the next test and then you won't have an A anymore. It took you forever to get your grade up last time.

"Yeah," I didn't really know what to say.

The rest of the ride was done in silence. And almost as soon as we pulled up I got out of the car and headed inside. I dropped everything off and sat on my bed. Glad to be free from that suffocating car. Though I spoke too soon.

You know you did absolutely horrible on that last test. What happened to being the perfect child, huh? Can you do anything right? If you aren't perfect then your parents aren't going to want to deal with you anymore. They already have your other siblings that they have to help out.

But, (friend's name) got a score lower than me and she is fine. Her grade is lower than mine and it's not that big of a deal.

Oh, but that's different. You are better than this. Why can't you just be good enough. It was probably one of the easiest concepts ever. Gosh, you are so pathetic.

I sighed out loud. Glad that I was in my room and that no one could see me right now. You are right, I told the voice.

Glad we got that settled, now lets move onto the rest of the issues. Why are you so fat. Is it really that hard to not eat? I thought that I told you to skip at least one meal a day and then we could increase it from there. Why didn't you listen. You know that I only want what's best for you.

But I weigh less than 100 pounds. How can I be fat when (friend's name) weighs more and she isn't fat at all. And I was really trying hard to skip more meals but my dad was catching on and wouldn't leave me alone. I only got away with it for three nights because I went to bed before my dad got home and my mom doesn't notice.

You know that's different. (friend's name) is fine as she is and is beautiful. Don't you want to be beautiful? Have you seen that chunk of fat on your stomach, and your huge thighs. Do you exercise at all? Goodness, its no wonder than no boy will ever see you as anything more than a brain.

Okay, I get it. I'm fat and ugly. I will try harder to bypass my dad next time.

Good. Now, onto the next thing. Do you remember that comment you said earlier? To your "friend". Well, that was actually so rude. And you probably offended them. They said it was fine but it really wasn't. They hate you now.

But, I really wasn't trying to be mean. I was just tired and my tone came out harsh. They don't hate me, they couldn't. They wouldn't lie. Would they?

Of course they would lie! They don't care about you. No one does. They just pity the poor quiet girl who is so fat and ugly. Don't you ever listen to what I tell you. No one will ever love you. You are just a mistake. No one cares. Why don't you just disappear, go kill yourself or something. You are just a burden and it would be better if you just died.

I know. I know. I know. I know, OKAY. I wish I could just kill myself. I am too much of a coward. I can't even hurt myself properly, OKAY. I understand. I get it. No one loves me and no one ever will. I am just a mistake, who would ever love a mistake. I need to be perfect and beautiful and then someone will love me. But no one else has to be perfect because no one is perfect. But I still need to be. That's the way things are. WHY CAN'T ANYONE LOVE ME! WHY AM I SUCH A MISTAKE! I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! WHY DOES EVERYONE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AM FINE! I HATE MYSELF! I yell to the voice in my head. As, I quietly sob to myself, making sure that I am not loud enough to be overheard.

Good, good. You are starting to get it. But did you really have to yell at me. I am only doing what is best for you. Now, what are you going to do to be closer to being perfect?

I know! I will skip two meals tomorrow. I'm sorry, I was so rude. I will be better tomorrow. I'll tell them sorry again tomorrow. Oooohh! I will also make sure to retake the test tomorrow so that I can get a better score.

Perfect, you are getting the hang of this. Soon you won't need me anymore to give you advice. You will just be able to know what to do to make everything right. Maybe we can evne get you to draw some red lines before I leave.

Yes, of course. Wouldn't that be so great! Thank you, you have helped me so much.

Rain beats against the windows with a vengeance as I lay in my bed, empty chocolate wrappers scattered around my messy sheets. The lights are off, lightning casting ragged shadows on my bleak walls.

It's been three weeks, a small voice from somewhere in my head reminds me. I bury my face deeper in my pillow, not wanting to move. Classes close in two days. I can't bring myself to care.

The doorbell rings loudly through the quiet thunder and tittering rain drops and I jolt up, chest heaving as I clutch my pillow close. Just as I begin to think it's my imagination, it rings again. Then again, more impatiently. I roll my eyes, flopping back onto my bed. Seven more rings. Twelve more. Fifteen. Eighteen. Twenty.

Heaving an enormous sigh of frustration, I fling my pillow aside, stomping hard enough for my bare feet to slap loudly against the wooden floors. I levitate myself to look out the peep hole once I get to the door and see my old friend, Detective Jordan Trafford.

I sink back to the ground and unlock the door, yanking it open.

"What," I mutter sourly.

"Get out of your rut, I've got a case," He says briskly.

"No." I move to slam the door.

He stops it. "Yvani, you're literally the only necromancer in our precinct_"

"I don't want to."

"Your brother would have_"

"My brother isn't here. Nor will he be again. Now leave me alone before I call another cop. Harassment is still illegal; even for you."

"This case will interest you."

"Doubt it."

"So you wouldn't be interested in a thousand-year-old murder uncovered near the sacred dragon sign?"

"What part of 'no'...wait."

He hands me a file, displaying a dead body perfectly preserved by the magic runes it's encased in. He arches an eyebrow at me.

"Fine. But you have to buy me tacos, chocolate, and a soda. Like, a huge soda. With lots of caffeine. Let me change."

"I thought so."

"Don't gloat, you cheated. Also. Do not sit on my suede couch. I don't want it getting wet. You can sit in the arm chair." I slam my door behind me, using the time it takes me to get dressed to mentally prepare myself for the first case since my brother's murder.

      Austin, 2014. An idea was born into the streets. Two men walking, teeth dry from the ways of liquor. One stares in front. Downtown festival. Talks to the city ahead, but to the one walking next to him.

     I have an idea for an app. 

    Small city, the grey heat. Overcast no match. No hope to burn off the film from the damage last night. Hotel lounge, hair of the dog. The city had grown, and they were strangers now, each waiting to leave there, one by plane, one by car and dog. Talks of Prose., the font. Talks of why it would work, a family the size of a world. Strangers yet not quite. Revolt against apathy. Earned things, lost in paces too fast to retain soul, to keep their light. Drinks and words, the lobby bar turned museum for the old death of the words eaten by technology. A way out through a way back in. 

     We are all here now. 

     Thank you for being here with us. 

     Thank you.