.

Rising from the past, my shadow

is running in silence to meet me

~ Anna Akhmatova

Charlie’s place. Present time.

The room is quiet and dark. The only source of any noise and light is the TV set on low volume. I don’t have to look to my side to know that he is still sleeping. But then again, it’s late, practically the middle of the night. I knew that I wouldn’t get any rest at my flat, so I just stayed at his, feeling strangely comfortable here and at ease; which (let’s face it) didn’t happen too often to me. In the entire messed up life that I got to live, moments like these could be counted just with the fingers of one hand. My parents at one point. Cara, my old roommate, Phil of course, and the man I lost - and now him. Not a lot to build on depending on what’s left of it all, but still probably more than I deserved.

I turn off the screen and look at him, the street lamps casting an orange glow on his tired face. Feeling my chest lift and fall, lungs needing more air as the worry flows all over me, leaking through the unstable cracks. May it not be anything serious, please. He’s just tired, I try to rationalize with myself, knowing how unwise my mind was reacting. But still, it always paid off to be careful. So, after some hesitance, I bend down and lightly press my lips to his forehead, no longer feeling any temperature. It appears cool and a small sigh escapes my throat. This was a thing that my mother taught me to do when I was little, or maybe it was just a thing that I copied naturally, without a second thought.

I look at him and slip my fingers lightly through his hair. He seems better now; it must have been just the exhaustion; he works too hard because he is so passionate about what he does. I fix the blanket higher, so he doesn’t get cold and sigh. Caring, kind, helpful. Loyal. All good qualities, and yet he’s hanging out with me. My hand shifts closer to his, fingers gently entwining. I feel the warmth and calm sinking into my skin and deep under my cells. My stare falls to the ground and a shade of sadness breaks through the serenity. You can’t fix them all, Charlie. Some of us are just meant to stay broken.

Without any warning, I feel my eyes start to sting, tears falling to the ground and sinking into the wooden boards. Tap, tap, tap. The repeated noise makes me snap out of the moment; I quickly shake my head, surprised by this little outburst. What was going on with me? As if I felt something coming, getting closer, lurking once again in the shadows. I let go of him and get up, dusting the dirt off my clothes that wasn’t even there. I hear a door in the corridor open-up and turn around. It’s Robert, apparently going to the bathroom; hair in a mess, wearing just a t-shirt on and stripy boxers. He notices me surprised as if he forgot I was even here and rubs his eyes, my lips lift into a smile.

What time is it?

Almost after three.

And you’re still here?

Was I making too much noise with my messy thoughts, or was it the TV that won that battle?

He stares at me for a moment, his mind not completely awake.

What? No, just needed to use the... I mean, drink a glass of water.

Of course, don’t mind me, I’m just heading out.

You were watching after him all that time, weren’t you?

I was being comfortable on a big sofa with free TV and food - and yes, in the meantime watched if your brother didn’t fall to the ground and hurt his good spirits and positive attitude. It would be a shame for the world.

You’re weird. You know that, right?

I think I heard something similar from a different Evans as well. Light years back, in a different life, it seems.

Robert gives me a warm smile and nods.

Sounds about right.

He starts to leave but I stop him, grabbing his arm; a tiny piece of my brain notes that there isn’t any magic effect like with Charlie. Somehow that felt like a relief to me - it was good to know that some people in this crazy world still remained normal and without any strange abilities. He looks at me, puzzled.

I just didn’t want him to get worse because of me, he’s done so much for me already.

I know, that’s not what I meant when I said you were weird.

Don’t worry, it’s just as if you used my second name; a thing permanently signed into my papers. I just wanted to be clear on the matter.

My grin spreads, and he mimics the notion. Robert seemed like a good and warm guy to be around. Another thing that apparently ran in this family. I silently wondered what their parents were like, very different from mine or with issues of their own? Probably the latter.

Say goodbye to Jenna from me.

I walk to the door, open it and add just before I leave.

And be lucky for your stars that you found someone that good.

My tone is light and as I’m out in the hallway, his strong voice still manages to reach my ears.

Oh, I do. Every single day.

As I walk down the stairs and into the street, I try not to think about anything. Setting my mind to a point where there is only numbness, forcing an invisible anesthetic to surge through my tired veins. It’s just me and my surroundings, no dark or light thoughts, just the now. The night is quiet and the traffic low, the chill of Autumn air cooling my heated cheeks, but not slipping under my clothes too deep. And as I slowly walk home, I try to ignore the bad feeling that still crawls deep under my skin. Even the evil could wait, after all, it was going to find me eventually. Just a matter of time.

________

In a different part of town.

A tall, brick building with a view on the river. Two men talk in hushed voices. One sits comfortably in his armchair, an elegant wooden cane leaning casually against it. The other one seems agitated, deep frustration like a thick cloud that surrounds him and fills him up with anger. He’s moving fast from one side of the room to the other; resembling an animal in a cage, pacing and ready to pounce at any moment.

She has been avoiding us.

The man that’s sitting doesn’t seem to be bothered by this revelation. His face seems almost expressionless, the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes and on his forehead only adding to his elegance. A strange mixture of kindness and cruelty prowling behind his eyes.

Rather, hiding I would say. Makes a much clearer description of what’s she’s doing, don’t you think?

Yes, like a slimy insect under a big city rock. A roach with a thick skull and a pain slitting that skull in half.

Probably why she stays afloat for so long. Roaches can live through an apocalypse if they please. I think I read it in The Times.

The last words are amused, not fitting the tension in the room.

Well, she isn’t going to be that lucky if I have a saying in this. Why are you so calm about this?

Dear, brother. Haven’t we been through this, uncountable times? Have we not succeeded each and every time?

Perhaps, but this is your problem, Jeremiah. All you care is to make them choose. To see if they can crawl out of their deep dark pit of existence, and for what, to estimate their humankind worth? Such nonsense, brother. Such a waste of my precious time.

Oh, stop gloating, you fool.

The frustration finally reaches the other man. He doesn’t enjoy this kind of attitude and being told how to handle his job.

This is something that I do. Those are my responsibilities and I carry it through according to plan. It is not my problem, that all you want are the numbers and statistics... or your gain and wealth.

The one that paces stops for a while and a dark smile changes his features for just a fraction of a second, only to disappear as quickly as it appeared. There is nothing stable about the fire.

I enjoy my luxurious advantages, yes. But do recall, that I also have responsibilities. And this assignment should not take so much time, because after all is said and done, the insects run out of options, they slowly crawl our way and find us.

And she will soon do the same.

But why isn’t it done yet? Her sanity must already lay in ruins. Her brain practically bleeding out. What is your explanation for this, brother?

She might have some assistance.

Her? That sorry excuse for a human being? She was in pieces before we even got to her. Before our messenger hunted her out.

Because he took from her what was dearest to her existence. He ripped her insides before he even pointed the gun at her head. She only really cared about him.

And he owed us.

No, he owed you, brother. He thinned your resources by less than a single hair.

Please, don’t talk to me of this absurdity. That man was already at his lowest and took a life after he stole from me, there had to be a punishment.

He was up against the wall. You took away his possibilities.

I gave him everything! I gave him those possibilities!

But your prodigy got greedy.

And he paid for it, and so did she.

Let’s not forget the man who brought her to that point, your little errand boy. She proved to be too much for him, his body tumbling down like a ragged doll - entertaining, but unnecessary.

Brother, that scumbag was worthless to even begin with!

There is no doubt about it. But I am simply painting you a picture of the situation. I am using all my grays and tones so you can see clearer. I give you the reasons and the consequences of actions. I give you the truth.

Fine, let it be as you say. But she will soon come to us, or we will find her - whichever comes first.

On that, I agree. The time is coming, we should prepare.

Yes, lets.

The room is left in silence as one brother leaves the room and the other remains in his place. Hands put together, fingertips touching as he ponders about the next step, eyes moving to the window, a view of the river soothing his mind. He stares at the thick clouds and the night slowly shifting into the day. The wind howls through the thick brick walls, moaning louder than the lost souls that he put to rest. He lights a cigarette and stares through the thick layers of smoke. There was no rush really, despite what his brother was stating so boldly and with unnecessary passion, rage clouding his vision. Such a waste of energy. Because ultimately, sinners don’t get lost for too long, they always reach their final destination.

His eyes fall to an expensive antique clock standing on the big mahogany desk. It’s round and has a black onyx base that it stands on, the seconds behind the glass slowly counting the remaining time. He smiles; five soft rings telling him the exact hour. Come on, sinners. It’s time to get up, a new day is beginning. He lifts his cane in the air and hits it once against the floor, the sound filling the silence and ringing against the glass. She will come, they all do in the end. The clock by his side once again calls upon the hour, something in the city shifts and life ruthlessly moves forward, not looking back on anyone.

_________

Last 3 chapters

15. https://theprose.com/post/270473/living-arrangements

16. https://theprose.com/post/274615/the-socializing-street

17. https://theprose.com/post/276704/visiting-hours

next chapter :

19. https://theprose.com/post/288893/loosening-the-knots

____

Empty

No words

No thoughts

No idea

Just an empty head

And an empty bed.

Don't leave

Me

Empty.

https://youtu.be/_iOojt3a1Yw

she—

fell

up

a nd

SUN DEVOURED

He was upset with me

I had failed again horribly

My failure was damaging my being physically

I was destroying myself mentally

I condemned myself constantly

I was disappointed in myself honestly

He didn’t understand why I was like this

It was the dark emotions I always dismiss that put me in this abyss

He did not understand the way they destroyed me slowly

He did not understand emotions, putting them lowly

He would dismiss these emotions telling me ‘you’re lazy’

But he doesn't know, every morning I wake up, life becomes hazy

His reaction to my failure caused by my destructive mind

causes the destruction to feel more inclined and less confined

able to leave behind a human body unaligned with mankind

This savage cycle

Failures caused by a depression recycle

Failures cause him to be spiteful

Spite causes the human body to become suicidal

This cycle will be the cause of my mind’s ruination with my body’s elimination

Death didn't care

she was Queen

#undermeyou

six word story. This post wont let me post under 15 words..end of rant.

We never met, we never knew each other

Although, I wish we did

Yet we were bound together, by the very fabric of life

That could hold two beings as close as possible

I loved you even without knowing you

I know you did the same.

I was once alone,

Crushing under the burden of duty to others

Overwhelmed by the complexities of relationships

Struggling to find a meaning

To whom I'm suppose to be

Everything I did, I wasn't good enough

Everything I was, I felt unsure

Eventually, I felt no more...

Then you came along.

With your brief existence in me,

You thought me to love

I began to feel again

Felt such tremendous joy

That I did not know was ever possible

Colors of spring were never brighter,

Sound of music was never so melodious

You changed something in me forever

For the first time,

I began to love

Myself and YOU.

Nothing will ever change,

Even though you’re gone

I will forever be in love with you

I will forever be your mom.

I search his pockets for a punchline

Hoping  I find an audience

waiting for a laugh

how he could love someone like me

I smell his collar

hoping I smell some other girls perfume

so I can finally come to the terms

yes aha he is cheating

so it can comfort my insecurity that I am never enough

I look for the price tag attached to my body

hoping to find the wage

in which he took me home

I start Agruements

with him

convince him I am the monster they warned him about

I search under the bed

looking for a motive

for why he would want to lay next to me

I go Deaf when he says I love you

waiting to see the hate in his eyes

but all I find is confusion

i look over his shoulder

waiting For the blindside

i don’t let myself fall in love no more

i love like a crime scene

I am use to finding my heart

in a murder scene

I look at your hands

hoping to find my blood caked in your fingernails

but I will tell you

My meanness is to help with your anger

When the moments become to difficult to deal with my absence

My laughter is the heartbeat I stored in your chest

My smile is a practiced art I have sculpted upon a canvas

My frown is a thunderstorm , that rains upon you when the smiling becomes to hard  

you see

Razors became food

You can sever the lining of your stomach

And empty yourself

Cause after all

Your body is a crater

You can eat yourself

To a disorder

But vomit your way to Perfection

You could flirt

With a scale

And catch all the numbers

And steal won’t feel confident

i look for the tape measure you hold around my waist

checking to measure the time you have left until you leave

I stand by the edge of driveway

waiting for the Eviction notice

i pack my bags early

I tuck my sercets away

I sleep in a coffin

I don’t let myself feel alive

I get use to feeling like death

cause I know I die twice if you left

I take my backbone out when I sleep

I am sensitive baby

I makeup My face

so you won’t get to close

and see my broken

I search the soles of his shoes

hoping to find superglue

maybe that is why he stayed put

I sometimes wonder if I remind him of a basketball basket

like how you shoot and hit the back board

and shout rebound

do you like to hit it IN the back

so you dont  have to see my face and remid you its not her ?

i search his inbox

For answers I find no motive

I search my Thighs

Looking for no gap

he has gone missing inbetween me

pulling out the univesrse of me

i flow out like a Milky Way of stars

i use to wonder if it was the way my black blends in between the dark lit room

as if he was scared

of the way a raven crows in the daylight

I use to wonder if my hair

untamed and free curls

Would turn him away

from running his hands through

my tumbleweed of a crown

I stopped searching in his pockets

for why a black woman

can not be desired

as if eve offspring

Didnt come from the land of milk and honey

  If you could only open eyes dear then would stop searching  ?

Let him love you .....

*this piece is a year old I deleted it its a repost

I am a baby bird

my mouth agape

i am still ready to fly

i test my wings often

I am afraid of heights

if You fly to high

you might touch the sun

oh baby you might burn

god made your wings from wax

to humble you

what if I told you a serect I often feel

godlike  

Next to the sun

my skin is liquid gold

I don’t know what it’s like to not want to burn

Theirs something beautiful about tradegy

Ashes to dust don’t we all return to

Therefire we all die

When we try to escape

Cause we’re all runners

Trying to find out what’s behind the sun

Daring to dream

Here’s a truth

I am too afraid

Of hubris

Got a little pride

Like Icarus

I might fall from heaven

All because someone gave me wings

You say not too fly to low or too high

I be lying

If I said

I don’t like the thought of drowning

It’s easier to float above the surface

The stars look better

When your laying flat on the ocean

Icarus

You pretty boy

Oh how dare

You for being in love with the sun

And the sea

Oh how dare

You try to escape that paper town

Oh Crete

My dreams

Are too big for this small city

Icarus

How you dare too big

As if confidence is a sin

My bones lack enough hubris

Give me a little time

I will grow tall

If I wasn’t scared of the fall

There’s something humorous about hurbris

We say dream

But if we took a little step too far

you’ll tell me

If this is what dreams are made up for

false pushes

to leaps

Then this is nothing I haven’t seen before

Baby bird

You consume

Yourself

Bird seed

Eating inklings of yourself

If you etch away far enough

You will become a reflection

We’re all walking mirrors

Showing others of reflection

Of what they can be

Maybe their something beautiful about being human

Oh how we love a good hero

But let him fall

Cause weakness is tragic

We’re all devils advocate

With our fingers crossed

Hoping we can see behind the mask

Icarus

You lost it all

The wings couldn’t stop your fall

It’s not a sin to want the world to see you

I opened my wings

Like Icarus

And dare too dream

heres the tale of iscarus

the wax in his wings melted he tumbled out of the sky and fell into the sea where he drowned

Don’t fly too close to the sun

They say

But they don’t realize

We have to dare

I wrote

my eulogy

with the beginning words

That she lived

I realize Inorder  to die

We need to live

I like Icarus

Fly to close

To the sun

Cause it’s never too late live

Dreams are made for all the Icarus‘s

Bury us in the ocean

As a reminder

Don’t fly too close

If your afraid of getting burned

Then don’t dare

If your afraid of drowning

Then don’t swim

Cause dreams are powerful

Enough

To give you wings

My love

oh icarus don’t you look pretty in ocean ....

Dedicated to all my dreamers

dare to dream no Dream is ever too big ..