Standing in quick sand with a sign yelling "fuck it". Might as well be a ton of bricks. Giving into emotional gravity like his majesty when he grabs the key, unlocks Pandora's box just to see how evil humans can be. Damn. It's not even noon yet but the fire in my belly is hot enough to burn through the Zhan dynasty, wish I had Lao Tzu on speed dial, because at times like these he is the only one who makes sense to me. Calm the flame, slow the brain, be in the present, it's all a game, blah blah blah, I've seen this diagnose before, reason vs reason without ever exploring the emotional lava scalding my veins. Pain. Not this time, I am on a crusade to blast through the barriers like the tin man on his first date. And I don't need the wizard of Oz to know I am a child of God, my heart speaks volumes, the king of my emerald city. I am an alchemist certified by Cassius Clay, champion of my reality watch me pave my way, take emotions and roll them into bites of knowledge, digest them with a violet flame, burp out the bullshit, rest knowing I AM Made.

Random roosters crow louder when they eat their peas before breakfast.

"I once pimped a parquet" said Lance Armstrong while receiving his daily doping.

Have you ever spanked a walrus?

Do your knees need some readjusting or is it just your sloppy crab feet?

Boulders bleed too ya know.

Listen to your mother unless she forgets her pants.

Do not let the boogie man reach his hand in your pocket.

Open the door and stick in a piece of gum in the key hole watch the rainbows come back.

Let a tooth fairy bury her gold in your living room...

"What are you doing," a voice suddenly shattered the creative peace pervading throughout my inner sanctum. Like a child caught doodling, I sheepishly sat up in my mental seat. "None of this makes any damn sense, you are hoping about from topic to topic with no purpose or direction," Louis said in his nasally voice. "What will people think? That you are crazy most likely and we both know you are. If they only knew how much time you spend here with me, wrestling, arguing, avoiding, rehashing, surely they would..."

Breathe. Relax. Return to the right side. Louis voices fades away as my awareness shifts hemispheres and I return home.

Rambling writing continues to pour forth from the spout of my tube.

Your words are no clearer when you scream.

Your point is no sharper when you shout.

And when your eyes are holding that gleam

all I want is to turn and walk my way out.

The funny thing is I wasn’t arguing with you

I had no intention of starting this fight

my only mistake was keeping my claims true

when all you wanted was to hear you’re right.

And when I’m sitting there seeing hysterics

because we’ve veered a little off course

at this point the charade is only generic

when you steer as you shriek yourself hoarse.

And I’ve done my best through these years

to reach some high point where I’ll meet

the demands that I’ve fought for with tears

through the sweltering of your anger’s heat.

But I’m tired now, it’s been too long for

me to keep living in this crushing way

and I’ve realized what you’ve done with your

jamming my feelings, belittling them away.

A part of me is stunted, maybe it will heal

or maybe not – but ultimately I now see

I’ve worked out a new way, a new deal

wherein I’ll focus on me being free.

I love you – I’ll always love you, no matter

the cost, but I have to save myself before

what’s left of me falls to the ground to shatter

and I can’t keep living for you anymore.

And in the end I must say I am sorry

that I never managed to step in and satisfy

your needs so that you would be happy

and your wants I could never fully gratify.

But you’ve taught me something, really

to be level-headed, to keep myself grounded

when things get tougher – I become steely

from all the times your words have pounded.

You’ve equipped me fully to keep my feet

firmly planted on the ground and to know

things aren’t black and white and to greet

each difference and obstacle with a show

of understanding.

You see I’ve learned from you

and in the end I have joy

In knowing that I -

I will never -

be you.

I know this ill called comparison.

Comparison is the thief of joy, and yet I haven't yet been able to conquer this cognitive criminal, this impulsive adversary. Comparison says, "You aren't as good as X or as successful as Y or as fortunate as Z." But the absence of comparison is pure satisfaction, pure bliss, pure joy, pure happiness, pure ecstasy - pure utility - the end and meaning of life itself!

Whenever you suffer from this cognitive virus, just remember that you're already perfect, and lucky to be alive experiencing what you are experiencing right now and able to reflect upon and feel about it. Comparison can take a bow. Curtain call. Let joy, wonder, and awe take the spotlight and credit.

"How are you?"

(Internal monologue) "How the fuck do you think I'm doing, asshole? I mean, not that you actually care or anything. If you actually gave a flying fuck about how I am you wouldn't ask that shitty question, you would ask a more personal question. With that question the only response the questioner expects, or wants, is that the questionee is fine. In reality I feel like shit. I got, maybe, [insert number] hours of sleep. I didn't eat breakfast. I was almost late to [insert class]. I forgot/didn't do my [insert class] homework. I'm anxious because I have, like, [insert number] papers to do this week. I hate my body. My brain likes to constantly remind be how much it hates me by not telling my body to make more happy chemicals. I had to deal with [insert disliked person]. And to top it all off: I have a migraine making my eyeballs feel like they're being squeezed out of my skull. But you don't care about that, so, what I'm going to say is:" (External response) "Oh, [choose one of the following: a) I'm fine. b) Ugh. Tired. c) Meh.] How are you?"

Pure happiness filled my life,

then...

Disaster

Heartache

Confusion

&

Love

Eyes barely opened and already his heart was racing. He could feel it galloping within his chest, trying desperately to escape the cage in which it was kept. His mind soon joined in. Bouncing off illusionary walls, falling into jagged memories, frantically trying to keep pace with the rapid beat. Smoking was out of the question. He had quit the night before promising his mother he would do so. He gave her his last pack.

Sighing deeply he dragged himself out of bed landing in lotus position on the floor. Seated firmly he began his pursuit. He did as he was taught breathing deeply inward focusing on a point in the center of his chest. Dozens of books had told him to be with his feelings, to observe them as a compassionate scientist would observe their subject. He wondered if the authors of these books had ever tried observing a tornado from inside a hurricane. Images, voices, and emotions pelted his psyche as he held on to emptiness with non attachment. The breathe, though steady, did little to relieve the pummeling from the false personality, who over the years he had aided in building an impressive arsenal to draw from. His heart raced on, kicking up a dust of anxiety in its wake, making it hard for the man to breathe. Opening his eyes, he realized it was time to change tactics. Walking to his desk he picked up his pen and began to write.

Pain, confusion, longing

They all poured out.

He took these erratic movements

And settled them down.

The dribble of words

Turned to a stream

As emotions transformed

Into poems of release.

His heart he felt slowing

Now at a trot

The mind had stopped moving

No need for a thought.

Down on the track he smiled at the sight.

Picked up his reins and once again sat high.

Back in the saddle to ride another day.

A soul on earth born to learn and play.

I cannot wait until the day where I can yell "I'M FREE" and in all honesty mean it. I can't wait until I can live without worry and I can do what I want, and I'm completely satisfied and confident about my life choices and my instincts. I can't wait until I can make a name for myself in such a way that I will no longer break down at a stranger's glance. I can't wait to feel inspired every single day and I can't wait until someone can tell me that I inspired them somehow. I can't wait to live. Just live. No holding back. But as of right now I can only dream of that type of life and I know I will get there some day but damn it feels so far away and that makes me sad.