I haven’t been given the time to speak,

But it’s been seven days now,

And my words can make one weak!

Because this anguish stems back longer than a single week.

Just planting the seed,

Took a hard hit to the head.

Soon after,

Aynon, soiled my first love’s place in my bed.

His roots sank in deep,

As I lost an uncle that was hurting the same as me.

With the help of a hoe,

My demon began to sow,

A queen of the night to sprout with me.

With many thorns,

This painful flower will only blossom in the darkest hours.

Three loves lost,

I’ve grown numb with the lack of light.

Now this thorny bush planted within me,

Has been uprooted by an even stronger might!

The final straw fallen upon me by a heavy haymaker.

It has crumbled my already cracked and battered soul.

Leaving behind, a consuming black hole.

We’ve lost the anchor to the family.

And now,

We drift down the river,

Missing our constant guide.

Without him,

The current seems too hard to bear.

What now can I do?

To bank my hopes upon,

Lacking my usual therapy tag-along?

Obviously,

That’s all coping can do,

Make the happiness “touch-and-go”.

Life’s heavy hits are meant to keep me down.

I pity the boy whom will forever wear my frown.

You say you gotta leave me,

So that I can see,

who I need to be.

How am I, supposed to know my own destiny?

No, you walked away because you were too scared to stay!

You didn’t want to be the reason,

That I didn’t make it to the next season.

You didn’t want to be there,

If the time came near,

For when I began to collapse!

You couldn’t be the one,

to have the cold of winter,

cast down, with my fall.

Well, let me tell you what really happened,

Your leaving,

was harsher than any weather,

Of all the seasons.

Your leaving,

caused a disrupt in my nature.

With your sudden absence,

Came a quake,

It rattled me so hard,

broke me to my knees.

My heart cracked,

And, it’s all your fault!

The tsunami was quick to follow,

Coming from the darkest depths of ocean,

no man has ever known!

Towering with emotions unknown,

Above the flood walls I built for my protection,

Swept me off my feet,

And devastated all my comforts built inside that home!

Your unforeseen change in atmosphere,

Hit me like a hurricane!

It’s a tragedy,

The way these disasters

have scattered me!

Out of my control,

The strong winds ripped me apart and tore away my soul!

Because, I gave you all that I had left!

Leaving me to myself,

isn’t you saving me!

Now, that I’m left with nothing,

but my own devices,

feeling lost at sea,

Im drowning in the places people cannot see,

No search can rescue me!

Keep that in store,

For you’re about to receive something truly profound.

Since, living without a heart and a broken soul,

Is like,

Being here,

but gone.

Not dead,

But barely breathing.

With you not around,

I cannot be truly found.

And, That kind of vanquishment,

Is worse,

than any of life’s eternal banishments!

Before you,

There was only hurt.

It lurked within the shadows of my heart.

All love and happiness,

Sound asleep.

Cast down into a nightmare,

Where my cries of emotion,

Could not be heard,

And only contained the tears,

I could not weep.

Tirelessly,

I was single-handedly,

held captive,

In this eternal sleep.

Yet, as my mortality clock rested closer to my demise,

The heavens opened-up,

Right before my eyes!

Offering a welcoming-hand,

And a soft whisper.

I strained to hear,

The angels sing.

With no time to sleep on it,

I took the opportunity,

And began listening.

Soon, I awoke,

Gazing into the brilliant brown eyes

Captivating me,

From the blessing,

Of the most Gorgeous girl,

I ever did see!

She parted me back together,

With the whole-hearted compassion radiating from her chest.

The walls fell down,

My passion and enjoyment looked up,

As my emotions went on the rise,

My cup filled up!

Now, with a full container,

I can now attain her!

The girl of my wildest dreams!

The match between us,

Has no compare.

It strikes the most ablaze flame,

That ignites a fire,

Capable to burn in,

Any of the hardest rain!

What once felt like hail,

I was sufferin’,

Until, my Catherine,

Snuffed out all the pain!

Thus, proving grounds,

Whether in sunshine or rain,

We stand together,

And forever we will remain!

Corralled In these dark eight hours,

I cannot sleep,

How many more times must I count,

the same herd of sheep?

Hounded by the silence,

My thoughts cannot be heard.

My heart races at an alarming rate,

But if I’m being honest,

I lie awake,

In contemplation of my fate.

I can’t handle this.

I feel lost at sea.

With this pain you can not see,

Nor, can it be hand held,

Yet, I’ve been told,

I need to paddle,

But I feel nothing tangible.

So my mind is fishing for ideas,

Bobbing the afterlife in my head,

I’m treading in this black market,

Trying to catch a break,

Am I too selfish?

Yes...

I need to make a living,

For only myself.

I need to wade against the current sea,

I can’t spend energy,

on anything else.

If I splurge,

I won’t be able to save myself.

I shouldn’t purchase a one-way ticket,

It’s nothing financially,

I just can’t hurt this family.

I won’t own that pain in their chest.

It’d put them into cardiac arrest,

If they’d have to be making payments,

for me in a vest.

It’s perfectly fitting!

For others, may be way too angry,

And want to see me pay.

So instead,

I invest into a two-way,

For my soul to seek asylum!

It’s only right as rain,

Since this runaway train is my sole property.

I just need a moment.

Just give me a minute.

Leave me to sit,

Where I can think and breathe

Because now I'm feeling myself sink.

I've been treading

Trying to keep my head above water.

I'm dreading the failure

Of being pulled under.

I finally broke surface,

Even caught a breath full!

Yet, I'm gurgling with a lungful

And suffocating on these feelings.

You don't understand me now.

You never did then.

I've made it this far on my own.

But now I'm going back there again!

I'm sorry to disappoint,

You think it's hard on you?

Yeah me too.

But imagine how I feel?

No. this can't be real.

Why? I've been pushing so hard!

But now,

I'm being shoved back even harder.

I was trying to stand

But now I feel I'm tripped up,

With this blasphemous brand!

Yes I know.

It's too overwhelming.

I've heard it said before.

You can go ahead and leave.

Ignore these things you've seen.

I will bother you, nevermore.

No longer,

can you handle the ways I am.

I'm sorry for the constant prodding of my pain.

It's my demon to sleep with.

I didn't like feeling so worn out,

And so I shoved him down.

Buried and forgotten.

But he's dug up,

Relentlessly coming for me.

And I'm willing to lay with him

I'll let him take me.

and we will both be rotting.

Only, if it means, I won't have to be devoured, furthermore.

Neither will you have to ride this descent anymore.

There.

I've thought.

And choked on my breath.

I'm left to sit with no more moments.

I can't stand another minute.

And have no more life left to sink.

Ready to complete my sleep.

Now, you have your likes and your numbers.

The followers' company that you've always counted on.

And I'm left counting the following association,

Where you seek the likes of me.

But, you've acquired the reverent relations you sought.

Are your companions really genuine?

Or are these affiliations something that is bought?

Under the aegis of forged fabrications?

Sometimes, I wonder if you still feel unaccompanied.

Or if you are sacrificing your authenticity.

Do you ever miss me?

Or are these prodigious people efficient?

Why is it that my coalition,

Is so deficient?

Why are our meetings kept in secret?

Am I only met to satisfy a kiss?

Because here I lie, in wake of these questions.

While you deny the truth from those that question.

Now I ask for true love,

And you assure me with the same undeniable question.

Yet, for some reason,

I feel like the only one breaking.

Without rest,

I'm relentlessly trying to pick up the pieces of my aching heart.

Because I'm wide awake with my hurting insomnia.

While you're falling sound asleep,

With a sound mind

and a restful heart.

What is this incubus that has adumbrated my congenital being?

This languishing deadness to be ensconced within me?

It evulses on my spirits,

This dolor feasting on my viscera.

Swallowing my heart into the desolation of my own lugubriosity.

Every conforming characteristic wears a mask of nihility.

My former purely depreciated.

Despair has carved me away and molded me into insignificancy.

Sunken into a void,

Left behind to fill the gape?

Are the anguished waters of despondency,

That wore away what I once was.

No prior self lingers.

Cloaked by the shadows.

Of which, have clasped their fingers around the beatitude of my vigor.

Rigorously stripped me of my mortality.

Gaze intently at the haze in my eyes.

One can see its forgery.

Witness how the agony dwells inside of me.

How the roots have proliferated,

And planted my anew.

The inhabitance has stricken me ennui.

The lassitude is indolently sulked amidst my solemn expression.

Desires and hopes diminished.

The yearning for achievement vanished.

The comforting routine of hobbies amnesiac.

I crave nothing.

I require nothing.

So leave me alone,

For I am forlorn

Death is something I've craved...

Death is the strongest healing remedy to all pain.

It's the Dying part that shuns me away...

For those steps, to be taken, are excruciating.

Yet, in the end, the pain is lost in abyss.

All thanks to Death's peaceful healing kiss.

I just want to write,

But I can't think of the words to spare.

All that fills my mind are thoughts of heartache and despair.

The melancholy brainstorm

Sends my mind twirling all around.

I can't seem to find any steady ground.

I am ensnared to this downhill spiral.

Always capitulating to its gape.

Fulfilling its appetite with a

Spoonful of urgency,

As it swallows me up into darkness.

Yet, none of this is my fault.

After being derailed,

From its once complex network,

It's the unfortunate path my brain has been bound.

It's the one track mindset,

That can not regain its ground.

I've always wanted to be law abiding

Lest, the falling motion

beset upon me,

Has no consummation.

Thanks to Isaac for his first notion,

My mind will never be set to rest.