Play it all over again

Let me scream in agony

The same section once more

Never hurts to repeat, does it?

The same memories searing me

Let me moan in isolation

The tears streaming again

Never hurts to repeat, does it?

Play it all over again

Let me heave and wail

The same section once more

Never hurts to repeat this song...does it?

You gave me your hand

You built a home from the pieces of a broken man

Instead of covering up my bruises with kisses like you used to

you made more

Now my mind’s is at war

because you’re not the love I once knew

Your ghost sits with me

underneath the willow tree

We hold in our anger and call it home

we never get lost for we do not roam

Your ghost picked me apart and looks inside

I couldn’t run, I couldn’t hide

Your ghost filled me with dreams I can’t hold

It’s the only thing keeping me afloat in this cold world

I wish that we could’ve run away

I wish I could just leave the growing up for another day

This nostalgic feeling is weighing down on me

Like the kid I used to be is looking down on me

I see your ghost stare at the photographs of us

and smile at the things stuck in the past

But I also see the hole that slowly spreads as your ghost looks at our picture

your ghost turns and looks at me

I have to look closely

to see your ghost whisper “I’m sorry”

I can’t handle the silence that threatens to crush us

So I sing a song to keep the quiet out

But it’s not enough

because when you watch me with those sad eyes

I self-destruct on the inside

It’s never a pretty sight

And it pains me, even more, when your ghost cries

because we’re both hurting inside

You used to say “there’s love in the silence”

I always replied with a smile, “tell me something I don’t know”

This love doesn’t feel right anymore

I miss the love that wasn’t filled with sadness and pain

I miss the before

I call your ghost over so we can take a picture

but no matter how many times we take the picture it’s not the same

because in the after photo I’m all alone

Even with your ghost here I feel alone

So I listen to your recorded voicemail on my phone

My hands are balled into fists

In that moment I realize how lonely it is to exist

The silence keeps trying to sprout

So I play your voicemail over and over to keep the silence out

i play the victim

to feign innocence

as the world crashes down

and my hands are printed in red

it's obvious but i try to hide it

with pleading eyes and a tear streaked face

so i don't feel so alone

isolated with the thoughts that brought me here

to the running and crying and screaming

all my fault

but

i

can

pretend-

You were nice

for a minute

and then things went awry

trouble started brewing

you gave mayhem

a try.

This whole entire year

caught us unaware

everything you brought us

belongs in a nightmare.

like

worldwide pandemics

and rampant wildfires

deaths, sadness, and manipulative liars

political messes

and all kinds of stresses,

cold-blooded killing and many a protest

shootings and racism and I can't even remember the rest ,

2020 my dear,

I hate to say it,

but you were an awful year

I commend your imagination

for the shit you've created

but at the same time what kind of sadist

would ruin a year so long awaited?

The things we had planned

that all turned to rubble

cancellations left and right

time to lockdown on the double.

We waited 365 days to be rid of this miserable year

that spawned nothing but hate, agony, and fear

So it is with pleasure, I deliver

a message so true

to 2020, I offer a final

fuck you.

i). When I help someone and they wholeheartedly smile at me.

It’s fantastic to see someone happy because of me. It’s such a great feeling.

ii). When someone cares about my existence & Friendship

Seriously this means more than words can express. Yes, all my online friends you all are the best. I don’t have any friends in real life. Nor do many people care about my existence. I have heard people talk about how they spent time with cousins or grand family dinners. I do envy this stuff. But online friends who have got your back all the time is something I am extremely grateful for in 2020

iii). When someone compliments me

Who here doesn’t likes compliments. I feel so happy when I get some. It’s so rare to get a compliment. The world is full of critics. I haven’t seen ever the school appreciates your efforts in a test. It’s the rarest of the rare moments.

iv). When someone remembers, wishes gifts me something on my birthday.

As I mentioned I don’t have friends so it’s such a blessing for me to get any gift on my birthday. Even a wish is such an amazing feeling. My birthday is on 10th January so if anyone of you is .. just kidding.

v). When I get a crush on someone.

Should I explain more or is it enough. Lol! I get a crush on many celebrities and sometimes even real people. Hehe! Isn’t it too typical for a teenager?

vi). When I am in touch with nature.

I love longs walks on warm afternoons till sunset. I like observing the silhouette of houses absorbing Evey bit of nature. The winds the weather. The sun the seasons. The moon the mist. The leaves and the love nature gives.

vii). When I appreciate myself

This is the last thing on my list. Appreciating myself is not a very easy thing for me. I am very self-critical and at the end of the day, it’s hard to believe and love myself. But at some moment I suddenly feel proud of myself, it makes me smile hard. :)

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I don’t write such pieces. It could also be taken like a thank you list.

I’m doing better. I just got a little allergy. I got this idea when I actually smiled after reading @Danceinsilence’s message asking how I am. It was again a wonderful moment. Thanks to all of you for reading my pieces.

ahh, I have one more thing remaining on my list.

viii) When all of you like my pieces and leave wonderful and encouraging comments. That’s the reason I still write, and will!

My freshman year of high school, my mother received a call from my guidance counselor because I had tried to kill myself and had to be admitted to the hospital immediately. I have never seen such a sadness in my mother’s eyes or heard such a petrified tone in her voice until that moment. That night, one of my younger sisters sat with me in my hospital bed and said, “I don’t ever want to see you in a casket. I don’t ever want to see you in a hospital bed ever again.” I’ve never seen my sister cry from pure sadness until then. My sister left the room so my youngest sister could come sit with me, and all she could manage to get out was the word “why?” Hospitals and suicides are not beaitiful.

I talked to an old best friend last week. We lost touch due to her moving two states away. She told me she had to get her stomach pumped because she tried to overdose and poison herself with four bottles of alcohol. I remember she used to spend the night and we would always talk about how we would always be there for eachother. I failed her. Overdoses and alcoholism are not beautiful.

My junior year of high school, I had a friend who was dealing with anorexia and bulimia. I’ll never forget the night I spent at her house when I heard her throwing up. She was crying and kept telling herself to stick her fingers down farther. When she came back into her bedroom, I held her for a long time and told her I loved her. We both cried and a few weeks later she went away for treatment. I haven’t seen her since. When she first went away, her mom would talk to me about it. I saw the same type of sadness in her mother’s eyes that I saw in my own mother’s eyes. Eating disorders are not beautiful.

My cousin shot himself in the head on the second of November, three years ago.. I missed three days of school. When I went to his funeral, his mother and my aunt hugged me and thanked me for attending. I shouldn’t have been there. None of us should have. The seats in the funeral home fled and there had to be over two hundred people in a line out the door because there were so many people who wanted to attend. Funerals and caskets are not beautiful.

During my first hospital visit, I had a roommate that was absolutely gorgeous. I was so envious. She told me she was mad at herself for not cutting deeper. I told her that I am glad that she didn’t. As soon as the words ran off my tongue, she lunged into my arms. After a very long and emotional hug, she told me her mom didn’t love her anymore. Utter sadness is not beautiful.

Please take your romanticism and glamorization of self-harm, eating disorders, suicide, alcoholism and sadness and bury them deep beneath the ground. This is not beautiful.