you opened my heart 

you caused me to bleed 

you mend it with your mouth

you stitched it with your touch

but my heart still beats just not for you...........

How dare you say I was hard to love

When all I ever needed

Was your arms wrapped around me

At 4am when my monsters came out to play

All I ever wanted

From you

Was one more kiss

Another laugh

The chance to hear you say my name

Please say my name

One more time

I was never hard to love

You just didn't pay attention

To the way I folded your shirts

A certain way

To avoid an argument

Or how I'd still tuck you in all those nights

After you went to bed

Mad at me

again

When all I wanted was to know

Was how your day went

Or why I’m enough anymore

When I used to light up your world

And now you won't even come home,

It's been four days since you left

And this isn't the first time you told me

You're going to your mom's for awhile

But I know better

Do you remember that drive we took

The day that wouldn't end

You yelled for hours

And then you finally said

I don't think I love you anymore.

When you lay your head next to hers tonight

Memorize her details

Like you once did my freckles

Hold her close

Like the damage

I hold in my mind

But don't you dare ever say

I was hard to love

When all I wanted

Was one second of your day

To show you how much

You meant to the girl

Who tiptoed her way through

Three years of fear

To tuck you in every night

As you slept soundly with the taste of her

On the same lips that you used to kiss me with

All of those times your insults left me crying

When you just wanted to shut me up.

I remember how much you hated when I was upset

Nothing else could anger you more

Except for the thought of me.

I will never understand

How my love for you

Made you want to hurt me

For all of those years

When all I ever did

Was tuck you in

Every night.

Burning deep within

The feeling of being lost;

An outer space soul.

I knew it was wrong.

Even from a young age.

There was nothing okay with hiding

In a closet with a grown woman.

I could see her family in between

The crack of the door as her hands

Explored my body. She was giving me

The attention I desired from my

Working parents. Maybe not the attention

I was hoping for, but she silenced me

And made me feel like no one else

Mattered. Like I was her own little secret.

I never told anyone she touched me until I was 12 years old. She sexually assaulted

Me as a child. My own aunt.

I remember.

You'd find me in the bathroom floor.

The water would still be running

While you laugh outside the door,

not caring, because you never did -

And you'd probably make fun of me

Like you do when you think I'm not home

Awful words that make me want to cry,

But I think I got the last laugh.

You'd find me when the water runs

Through the cracks of my bedroom door

Realizing maybe something

Really was wrong, and you'd come in

To pink tinged blood

but the door wouldn't open at first

And for a moment you'd think all was fine

You'd see me then

Silent, still - so so still

Two slits of red, so easy to let go

Eyes staring at the white toned ceiling

Unblinking, finally unfeeling

And maybe you'd realize -

Maybe you'd finally realize...

You wouldn't really find me

Cus' I'd be long gone

Oh I'd love to be gone

And maybe you'd cry

but maybe you wouldn't

You never cared in life, after all

And maybe you'd understand

But then, you never saw

What you didn't want to see.

(Good Luck trying to unsee me).

When people imagine and lust

The naked body of another human,

They fail to visualize the many

Lines of scars, leaving imprints

Of a past too unbearable to think of.

They fail to visualize the many

Freckles dotted on a person's body,

Creating constellations across their skin.

The don't visualize the many

Birth marks, bruises, or moles.

We have idolized a smooth canvas

Of perfect blankness that does not

accurately represent a human body.

Even the best attempts at sculpting

Naked bodies have come out cracked,

Chipped, and faded with time.

A once perfect nose has become

Crooked and a once perky breast

Has drooped from the wither of time.

We have created an illusion of beauty

From nothing, when we hold the stars

In our eyes and the world in our hearts.

I was looking for a home to reside in 

I slept on the corners of Homeward boulevard 

I was getting down on knees 

begging Jesus 

to save me from the works of the devil

I just wanna make it to heaven 

I just wanna take my last breathe with you in my arms 

I take the cross 

and wipe the blood from another 

uppercut 

on my wrist 

and hold it to the sky

and kiss it with

hell fire 

wishes 

I feel like my life ain´t mine 

I don´t wanna be alive 

I just wanna die 

in your arms 

I am  hurting deep inside 

I a ingrained all the pain 

in my stomach 

I  swallowed chunks of tears 

to prevent myself from choking 

on therapic ways to cure 

my broken down soul

I am drowning underwater 

I am gurgling 

the 

salt

from

all 

the wounds 

that surround 

this life 

from 

each 

Time 

I tread 

on

the 

fine 

thread 

between 

life 

and 

death 

I am 

hooked 

unto 

the ventialor 

because 

I can´t 

breathe 

on 

my 

own 

because 

the 

only 

breathe 

I want 

to 

breathe 

in 

is 

carbon 

dixoide 

I turn the engine 

and close 

my 

eyes 

and 

dial 

1-800-273-8255

because just maybe 

I can 

do 

this 

life .........

I just needed someone 

to hear my pleas 

I just needed someone 

to throw me a life jacket 

so I can just bobble through this  hurricane called life 

She is singing for every word that wasn’t said, singing for every person that was ever silenced. She is singing for the scared little girls and lonely little boys. As Amber sings, everything snaps into focus. The crowd is becoming vibrant in their responses. Women are swaying along with her voice. I see men closing their eyes as they listen, falling into every lilted tone and cascading lyric. People are recording her, mouths open in awe as they turn to raise their eyebrows at their friends, impressed.

Her talent is undeniable as the climax of the song comes crashing down and her voice trickles through the wave of emotions without falter. I wipe my tears away as I let her voice heal me, just the way it heals everyone. I’m not the only one crying anymore. She has a special way of throwing us into the moment – her moment – and letting the tension, pain and frustration of life fall away. 

As I watch her sing, I am letting go of every hurtful argument, of every murmur of disappointment that crashed between us. I always knew that Amber Freeman was something special. There was something so undeniably curious about her. She has a way of clumsily crashing through the world, whilst also managing to sing with such grace and delicacy. I always knew that I wanted to be her friend.

Amber is so important. It may have been Kat who helped me come to terms with my sexuality and, in the end, I was the only person who could work through my own identity but … Amber is something different. She always was.

I never wanted things to turn sour with Amber like they did and, even looking back on what happened between us, I can’t quite pinpoint where it all fell apart. Maybe Amber did things wrong but so did I. We are flawed people and I don’t know how to fix that.

Her voice is connecting my thoughts to my feelings and I’m realising that it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter because I am human and so is Amber. We are just broken humans who are looking to find our way in the world.

Aren’t we all just broken?

Amber finishes her set to thundering applause. She is beaming as she stares out into the crowd, thanking them with a shy voice. As soon as she finishes singing, it’s like she transforms into a different person – a little self-conscious, a little shy but more than aware of her ability to capture the attention of a crowded room with just her voice.

Without thinking, I am on my feet, screaming and shouting my applause. My voice is strangled and I know that my mascara is leaking onto my cheeks. The people around me probably think that I am crazy but I don’t care. I won’t hide my appreciation.

I won’t hide anymore.

***

SWEETHEARTS is a Young-Adult LGBT Contemporary manuscript complete at approximately 65, 000 words. 

Email: gemmgilmore@gmail.com

Twitter: @gemmgilmore

I am almost sixteen

But still seen as an infant

Someone who is simplistic

And afraid of commitment

I can't make decisions for myself

I appear to always need a guardian's help

Sure I need to find my life career

But God forbid if I pierce my ear

I better not be lazy

Better think things through

Because according to you

At the age of thirteen

I need to know what college I am going to

But hold on

Politics is something

That I wish to have a voice in?

That I may actually have an opinion

When it comes to the rights of women?

Well that's too far

I need to stop acting out

I mean when it comes to topics like these

They are obviously things

That I know nothing about

But where is your logic in that?

I am expected to have my life

Completely planned out and decided

But when it comes to other countries and their strife

My views are just misguided

My academic sights

Needs to be beyond superior

But any opinion I have on LGBT rights

Is always considered inferior

Maybe if you opened your eyes

You would finally realize

That the fact of how old I am

Does not correlate

With what I am able to understand

I apologize

But I did not realize

That being young

Automatically made me dumb

my blood bleeds rainbow

my blood bleeds love 

my blood bleeds LGBT 

my blood bleeds hope

my blood bleeds red blue green purple orange yellow pink 

most importantly my blood 

bleeds just like you 

so why can´t I love like you