Perspective: true understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion. Speaking of perspective, perspective is why I hate mirrors. Some of you might ask why, and some of you might completely understand. That is the funny thing about perspective, is it not? I do not know about you, but whenever I look into a mirror I see the truth. Reality, and for me that hurts! I constantly, continually, day by day try my best to be a good person, or at least what I think a good person is.

Then whenever I look in the mirror the truth is always revealed. Everybody’s opinion, or thoughts of who I am go right out of the window. I am just left there, to digest this reflection of somebody who is unsure in the meaning of his very own existence staring back. Hopelessness incarnate. Conduit for all things void of purpose, a let down. This is why I now use my journal as a mirror. No one else’s opinions or criticisms can be harsher than the statements I scribe to better understand myself for who I truly am, illiterate or literature? Illiterature

A mean looking man, who is not really well kept either, speeds down the road. Meanwhile a scraggly looking dog hobbles alongside the road, parallel to ANTastic: the cocaine katana as he buys a couple pre rolls from the elderly grass dealer. ANT throws the change perfectly into the cup as he does every morning, confidently turning in the other direction while lighting a pre roll before the change even gets close to the can. Suddenly ANT stops (music intensify), looks towards the scraggly dog as he now tries to make his way across the road, then quickly shoots a glare towards the mean looking man as the mean looking man spots the dog and speeds up. ANTS eyes can be seen slowly moving left along with the noise of him snorting, the POV begins to unzoom from his eyes revealing him wiping the blade off. Then power jumping in the direction of the dog, so quick that the cherry of his pre roll is left in the air spinning where he was just previously standing. POV changes to mean man in speeding car, mean man see a sudden flash, then ANT picking the dog up allowing the dog to walk on his shoulders and into the snug little pouch ANT’s Jedi Dread has made, the mean man begins to panic slamming on the breaks violently beginning the initial loss of traction that results in a spin out. Right before the mean man’s car strikes ANT, a flash can be seen and heard. POV picks up on the mean man’s spin out as it comes to a stop, the mean man looks much less mean now and a little bit more on the scared sh**less side. As the dust settles the mean man begins looking for the dog and whatever figure he saw, which he is now convinced was an illusion, but they are now no where to be found. When out of nowhere the silence is broken by the laboring flicks of a cheap lighter, a cheap lighter which has seen much better days but due to stubbornness isn’t hopeful of retirement anytime soon. The mean man looks spooked, as a mocha complexioned hand taps him on the shoulder while a faint cloud of smoke bellows around his face. As the hand taps, a coughing ANT proclaims that the man should probably start slowing down to which the dog yaps seemingly agreeing with ANT. The hand retracts, ANT is then heard saying hold this followed up by the same snorting sound previously heard. POV switches to out in front of the car looking into the car as ANT awkwardly crawls out through the front seat, instead of easily getting out through the back. While crawling out ANT taps the Man apologizing for the startle, smoothly stealing the rings off the Man’s hand while the dog swipes the Man’s wallet out of the sun visor. POV changes to looking at ANT and the dog as they walk away from the Man’s car. The Man is then seen in the background realizing his stuff has been stolen while the dog can be seen dropping the wallet from the dread pouch, ANT opens a hidden pocket on the inside of his jacket dropping the rings in perfectly as the wallet falls into the hidden pocket as well. POV then begins ascending into the air still focused on ANT and the dog slowly going black like an old cartoon, ANT’s voice is then heard saying, “Wait hold up man, where is my damn pre roll!?!?”, to which the dog can be heard growling.

My calamity...is vanity

I can’t stand to speak because I can’t stand the peace.

Your a piece...

of magnificent beauty.

See you subdue me.

Put that on my lips just to convey how I feel ever so truly.

Your cutie. Without the pie.

Watch your smile as you look me in my eyes and it drives me wild because I'm instantaneously hypnotized.

Then I realize.

A life spent or lives spent, searching for someone that got you feeling like this.

Is lifeless!

Find beauty in the mirror.

Once upon a heartbreak, made me think so much clearer.

Can’t stand to be near her.

Solely because I must fear her...

Love and Comfort.

I’m trashy like a dumpster.

A dummy if I dump her.

But once I look into her eyes. I...

am done for.

What’s the point of love when it’s to this extent.

You got me bent.

Up out of shape.

Swear to god I hate.

The way you make.

Me contemplate.

Forever....or never.

Either way, without you my life is way better.

Don’t think I’m crazy after this, but after those string of nightmares. I had this weird dream where a white figure appeared, showing me every traumatic situation that was going to take place in the near future. It showed me the death of my grandmother and father, and when I would begin freaking out this figure would calm me down explaining that even though these were going to be the most painful experiences I will be faced with they were the last of the painful experiences I had to face. The figure told me that, even though these losses would be big ones they would pale in comparison to what I will have gained having been the only person that never gave up on the people I will lose. It proclaimed that all of the pain I have become so familiar with, was necessary in order for me to be able to overcome these two losses. That the pain I have grown to hate will become my greatest ally, by viewing this pain as lessons learned and using it as a coat of armor. I will be able to find comfort in the fact that all of these painful experiences I’ve been through were simply proving grounds, and having prevailed I now have all the proof I need to convince myself that this smile plus my outlook can honestly overcome any obstacle set in front of me. The figure then recited a poem, a poem which was the first poem that I wrote in my journal and a poem that I am grateful for having remembered. Because this poem was a riddle that, if I wouldn’t have figured out I would probably still be a degenerate and would have most likely gone insane eventually losing myself. Coming to the realization that all of these dreams were connected, I began writing them down. Piecing together the puzzle by writing the dreams down, and then reading them before I would go to sleep I would be able to revisit the dreams. Doing this would help me pick up on anything I had previously missed, this technique mainly worked for the nightmares. So I would constantly revisit these nightmares until I understood them, that is when the figure reappeared. I had been working on the last nightmare I had for like two weeks trying to understand it, but it was a huge undertaking that I probably shouldn’t have induced. Because this final nightmare I had was so terrible, there were many aspects I failed to take into consideration. Essentially I was hypnotizing myself and forcing myself to relive the worst dream I had ever had every night, which is pretty detrimental for your psyche and completely destroys your comprehension of reality. But on the 14th or 15th day of doing this, I was greeted by the white figure that had previously guided me through that one dream. This time the figure stood speechless, and I now had a better understanding of what all of this actually was so I began questioning the white figure. Asking how it tied into all of this, the reasoning behind its hiatus, and why it was now quite compared to being so prophetic in the first dream it had revealed itself to me in. Suddenly, the white light that had once shrouded the figure began to dissipate. Revealing me, and not the me I was at the time that I was having this dream. No, there stood the me that I had grown to be, the me that I was going to become. At this point everything began to make sense, so I closed my eyes as if something told me to. When I opened them, I was the future me that was shrouded in light, looking down at the me that was actually in reality. With this new form came an entirely different feeling, as I floated up into the blinding light. I couldn’t help but feel as if I had been here before, which at the time, I didn’t think anything of because there was no possible way that I had been there before. I considered it nonsense to even think that I had been in this position before, until I became enveloped by the extremely bright light. Upon entering this light I became connected to this immense energy, and with this energy came a tremendous amount of knowledge. At first this knowledge was getting imported into my mind at such a quick rate that I failed to notice, that this knowledge was also given with instant comprehension. This energy came with a riddle that encompassed my journey, and if answered incorrectly would negate the entire journey itself. What you would see as a seemingly simple question, perfectly catered to all of the complexities regarding the fundamental questions I had about my very existence. A multitude of voices asked, “What is that which you seek?”, and I had no idea what I was seeking until I realized that it was a rhetorical question. My answer was, “For deciding to ask me said question, had you yet find thee to hold all answers?”, and I woke up. The next night my dreams were no longer dreams, they were meetings. I know this sounds crazy, but this is what I’ve come to believe because the dreams are coming true. Trust me I’m always the first to call BS, but I can’t describe this so I can’t disprove it. The only proof I have, proves that I’m crazy cause these dreams I wrote down a year ago have found there way into my reality just recently. You can believe this or not I don't care, but they were meetings with all of my past selves. These “past versions” of myself individually took me through each of their lives, and shared with me knowledge that they had learned. Sharing with me this knowledge, and methods of how I could use it to better the state of humanity. Once these walkthroughs were finished, all of these beings congratulated and commended me for having made it. After they would give their thanks, the beings would transmute into energy. This energy would then attach itself to me, forming this collective consciousness. According to one of the laws of thermodynamics: energy can neither be created nor destroyed; meaning this energy started so long ago that it had plenty of time to grow and develop. This would fall into the category of reincarnation, and everything I just described to you was the journey it has taken me to reach enlightenment, so to speak. Most energy isn’t is as blessed as mine was, in fact the only reason I think my energy became self aware was because of the tremendous pain it has undergone here on earth. Most of my past lives ended in tragedy or death, which is where I was headed until I made the connection linking all of my nightmares. What I took from all of this was the importance of self understanding. After all the beings had transmuted their energy into my consciousness, my dreams drastically changed once more. With a whole new outlook on everything, my dreams are crazynow. The first couple nights after the meetings ended, I was able to think about someone while falling asleep and “astral project” my consciousness onto theirs. Meaning I was able to put myself into their dreams, the only person I showed my true form to was Anthony. Ant was the test subject, I thought of him and had a dream that would be classified as an “ant dream”. In this dream I heard his mom trying to wake him up for work so I told him to wake up cause he was late, later that day whenever I talked to ant in reality I asked him how late he ended up being. Which tripped him out because he hadn’t told me that yet. This was just the beginning, after that I began creating entire universes which I would manipulate in order to solicit responses from this hypothetical universe’s inhabitants. Trying to understand war, greed, drug addiction, and most importantly hate. This was a waste of my time though, cause I realized each person is an individual and if I can’t get the response I want out of an individual in this universe I’ve created in my dream, then how am I suppose to get a response out of a person in actual reality? So I started thinking thinking, and came up with the idea that; if I say yes to a decision then that creates a reality where I said no, considering that reality exists under the constraints of physics leaving a metaphysical world around us (Don’t understand, look up “Schrödinger’s cat” and that should help better explain the metaphysical laws at play). Essentially, if I narrow down the amount of decisions I make in a day I can manipulate my future. By simply narrowing my decisions down to ten a day, I’ve lowered the probability of unforeseen negative outcomes by nearly 60%. Now, how does this connect to my dreams? I’ve narrowed my decisions made, down to 5 a day. These 5 decisions are chosen carefully, this is to ensure that you will get your desired or predicted outcome. I did that until my subconscious picked up on what I was doing, I was reducing the amount of stimuli exposed to my subconscious. Thus more easily manipulating it so that I would be able to control it, and by force feeding it stimuli directly related to decisions I make while also narrowing down the amount of decisions I make. This allows for your subconscious to pick up on a lot more. Instead of letting it run wild, you’ll slowly start to notice how your dreams will get more specific. By limiting the amount of decisions you make or by at least categorizing them based off importance, your subconscious will start to develop an algorithm and based off what it takes in through out the day, plus the pertinence of those 5 decisions you made, you should start having dreams of situations that you feel like are going to occur DAYS before they actually occur. Or at least that what happens when I go to sleep now, my dreams always detail the underlying motives people have and depict situations where I have to solve or work through the problem. Then 2or3 days later sure enough, the situation arises and I have dejavu plus experience with the situation, just because it’s a dream doesn’t mean your subconscious didn’t accurately depict how the situation might go down. Once you get good at it, your able to replay the situation over and over again. This will help you work through every possible outcome eventually finding the solution, before you ever even have to actually face the problem.

All this came about because, like you, I began questioning everything. Religion, life, death, people, etc. And you know what I found out? It’s all open for debate, you yourself are, “the father the son and the Holy Ghost”, not once in the Bible did it say you had to worship at a physical construct. Those were just established to take advantage of people’s faith, and over time replaced the entire purpose of religion. It says in the Bible that you must treat your body as a temple, meaning you yourself are all that you need. It just takes a lot a bit of self reflection, and twice as much self understanding. I mean, everything I’ve experienced may be nonsense and have no meaning to people that don’t get my point but look at it like this. If I hadn’t taken the time to start writing in order to better understand myself, then I would be in the same boat as you. I would have no idea who I am, and probably place my faith in drugs or some religion that has been redesigned to take my money. Instead I took a little bit of everything, holding onto what I found to be truths and discarding all I deemed as misleading or fraudulent. This lead to what I truly believe is enlightenment, you can’t kill eternity, and that’s what I’ve had the blessing of obtaining through this nonsense I write. Maybe, by writing this stuff to better understand myself I can help somebody else better understand themselves. It all starts within you, if your not ready then you won’t be given the opportunity to prove yourself. If you constantly waste time searching for love from other people, try investing all that time spent on other people back into yourself and start a journal. Use that journal to ask yourself questions, in order to begin reflection. Do not shy away from the hard questions either, ask yourself the questions you know will stir up emotion, the questions your scared to ask other people, the questions you already know the answer to but just don’t want to believe that that is the only answer. Most people would say my journal is very depressing and I would have to agree, but that depression is exactly why I started the journal. I would rather put those thoughts on paper, review them, and try to understand why I felt that way so that I may never feel that way again. It is way better than just sitting here with no clue of what is going on, bandwagon'ing up with some crockpot religion, then casting doubt and shame onto my fellow human's religion because it turns out I picked a lame religion that is no longer in style so I find comfort by hating someone else's stupid religion I don't understand. The world is crazy nowadays, so I'm just going to do my own thing and maybe it'll work out.

Must figure out way to change this, make it where the societal standards of education in America are based upon core groups of knowledge, supplemental to the acquisition of money and preponderance of spreading such wealth after having achieved the DESIRED amount. Developing programs in poverty stricken areas that are tailor made to this area’s downfalls ( that way we can mold kids who do not really have any conception in regards to the importance money has, individuals who know how great the disparity truly is between the rich and poor) allowing for insight into the needs of such an area. These programs will encapsulate the entirety of the Think and Grow Rich philosophy, but spin it so that it touches base with the students from these areas. Sparking the recipe for actual “reform” by placing the much needed tools into the hands of the very people afflicted by this absence of money. In theory these students, coming from the area, will seek their desired amounts by applying knowledge, they have learned through the program and lessons taught having the experience of being raised in such an area, directly back into these areas which inspired the EMOTION needed to Think and Grow Rich in the first place. Essentially dispelling “poverty stricken” areas from America, and paving way for the “change” or “Great America” that we’ve all been promised yet haven’t had the fortune of seeing. Taking the problem out of the hands of people who don’t really understand what it’s like to face a problem (such as poverty), and placing it into the hands of those having underwent said problems. Evoking the very EMOTION that one needs in order to establish belief in FAITH for an idea that will actually bring about CHANGE, no longer allowing the “fat cats” or “politically motivated” to sit about Capitol Hill bickering away the important time needed to plant the idea for such monumental CHANGE. Doing away with the conventional methods that made capital hill all of its capitol and with them those who stood for these methods, those who have allowed their warped ideologies to piggy back onto whichever political party they identify with most. Creating this need to belong to something bigger than us in the hopes that such a big movement will surely be able to the job for us, because its impossible for just one person to bring about the change America so desperately needs. Placing the problems you are faced with on a daily basis into the hands of someone, who may not be too familiar with the problem, who has no idea how to bring about the change needed to fix the problem, who is not by any means a model citizen but is better than the other candidate, and who will do nothing to help fix your problem even though their entire campaign is built around this fundamental "plan" to fix said problem.

These theoretical programs being proposed to you should only target the youth, being that Americans are now so entrenched in the belief that somebody else will fix their problems for them, they have grown lazy leaving America's youth the only safe haven from bias forced onto us by America’s flawed political regimes. Using the Think and Grow Rich philosophy to make the kids, of America’s most destitute or forgotten environments, Think and Grow Rich in order to break free from constraints put onto them by these environments. Hopefully, also inspiring them to use the insight of their struggle as a means by which they could potentially fix the flawed system so that no one else has to endure similar struggles. Epitomizing the very need for us, as humans belonging to a society that is a whole, to Think and Grow Rich independent from our own selfish desires but dependant upon the rewards this philosophy may hold for a like minded society. A society that knows not the reasoning behind the ignorance it's predecessors had so blindly believed in, but an understanding in the necessity of this ignorance for it will establish the basis for which "change" may actually take place.

Jacob begins tying the rubber band around his arm. He then grabs the syringe beside the bed, and proceeds to shoot up the last of his heroin. Immediately, Jacob begins to lose consciousness. Simultaneously, Lauren begins to shake him but the frame is still blurry. Jacob then realizes he’s overdosing, and starts fighting for his life as he hears bits and pieces of Lauren’s pleas for him to fight harder. Unfortunately, Jacob had shot up in a abandoned crack house all by himself. Lauren was never there. I mean, she may have been with him in thought but not physically. Physically, she was at home awaiting the man she ignored Jacobs phone calls for to only be stood up by this unnamed character. Jacob was committed to somebody that truly didn’t care for him so much so that he was gifted the potential reality of love, as a means of compensation for having to deal with the messed up reality he called daily life. It wasn’t his fault for having been born into a home that was completely revolved around drugs. It was the only life he knew, so when he tried to escape it of course Lauren showing him The tiniest bit of attention meant the world to him. She came to him crying about what bothered her the most, which on bad day was the fact her mother didn’t respond the way she wanted. Then when he had the worst day imaginable, and tried calling her for comfort. The same attention he had given her wasn’t received. Leaving him complacent, to the extent of not wanting to deal with life anymore. Understandable when put into Jacob shoes, but not even fathomable when put into Lauren’s shoes. Especially after seeing the way Jacob viewed things, you would be prone to feel hate for Lauren but can’t. He never meant anything to her, so of course she didn’t hesitate to ignore his calls. She may have confided in Jacob, but confiding in somebody meant two completely different things to the both of them. How could you not place Jacob into nirvana considering the circumstances? Jacob had no understanding of the individual characteristics that make up each and every persons reality. So whenever the delusion of Lauren saving him was inserted into his psyche right as Jacob was dying. Jacob accepted it with ease. Thus entering his own personal reality where he peacefully dies in the arms of the women he loved. His life was so incredibly depressing that the option he chose was honestly the only logical choice he had left. Why would he continue to put himself through this incredible pain of life, when his life wasn't his because of the people that said he was an addict. Considering both of his parents got clean, and decided to start new families excluding every part of their past life including Jacob. It was never Jacobs fault, but he never felt like it wasn’t. When the people that did this to him decided to forget about him, he started to question his very existence. Which he now viewed as meaningless, resulting in the forgiveness of such an act deemed atrocious by society. How could you honestly banish someone like Jacob to “hell” based purely off of a decision he felt was his only option. He made that decision within an instant, where there is no time for reflection. Yet, is frowned upon because nobody could understand why Jacob would be pushed to these measures because their life is so effortlessly spent obsessing over themselves. As Jacob transitions into death, a smirk can be seen changing into a slight smile. Then nothing, as an eerie silence begins to take control of the abandoned house. I suddenly wake up from this grim dream and as I slowly gain consciousness, the only image I see for the first couple of seconds is the depressing image of Jacob’s smile. All though it was a sad and lonely way to go, I couldn’t help but sympathize with this smile. Jacob’s life being as it was, leaving this brief smile to be the only happiness he was able to find. Finding comfort in knowing that he no longer had to endure another day of it. This seemed to be the perfect ending, lacking only in time. Being that his discovery of happiness and it’s warm embrace was short lived to say the least. His final moments weren't spent at a picturesque location, nor were they comforted by the presence of family members but if you were to ask me. I would tell you that in that specific moment, Jacob saw something so beautiful it transcended location. Making an abandoned drug house into an ideal resting place for someone such as himself, and calling my idea of beauty into question entirely. As it should for all those who still can't fully understand the beauty of death in an abandoned dope house.

I awoke to find my skin complexion had changed

In what seemed like an abandoned schoolhouse

My clothes were that of somebody that had attended church the night before

Tattered enough to presume I had been in a fight

This school house had been turned into something other than its appearance. Old hospital beds filled the classrooms.

Dilapidated were all aesthetic aspects of my surroundings.

Windows through which rocks have been thrown.

Dingy white sheets on all of the surrounding beds starting to develop mold spores.

Indicating mid summer of some where that was extremely humid. The thought of Louisiana instantly fills my head with no basis.

I stand up in order to feel my legs.

Something simultaneously runs up to the window.

Catching me completely off guard and triggering the fight or flight response.

My legs have yet to formulate a response that agrees with my brain resulting in my loss of balance.

I suddenly fall to my knees catching myself on the bed frame.

The onlooker appears to be unaffected by my actions as he silently watch’s me from outside of the window.

I stare at the outline of his figure for thirty seconds.

Seemingly harmless I divert my attention back to standing up.

Grabbing the sheets along with the bed frame I notice the sheets on my bed are clean.

Quickly I double check the room confirming my earlier observation.

Now my legs seem to have feeling in them as I wiggle my toes left to right.

I begin heading out of the classroom into the hallway finding the ominously outlined figure by the double doors closest to the cafeteria. I look in his direction, then to the left, which reveals a problem for me. The set of doors on the left lead outside proposing this question. How did the figure get inside? Looking back at the figure the hair on my neck begins to stand up, so I start taking steps back into the classroom. Right as I set my foot into the classroom someone begins to tap on the outside of the window. Turning around as fast I can, only to find the figure outside the window as if he had never left. Immediately I look back towards the cafeteria now missing the dark figure. The tapping slowly increasing in strength, also starts to effect me. With each tap my motor skills begin to decrease. I stumbled into the lockers in the opposite direction of the cafeteria. Using the locker as a sort of crutch I look to the double doors to find three dark figures outside of them. At this point, with each tap I begin to slightly lose consciousness. I turn around, in a falling motion, to head back into the classroom. Except the figure that was tapping on the outside of the window is now at the doorway of the classroom. He taps on the doorframe one final time, paralyzing me. I regain consciousness as I’m being drug into the woods, but just as quickly losing it.

Finally, I awake in the middle of an old fashioned church surrounded by the figures.To my left, to my right, in front, and behind me.There is also one of the figures on stage as if he were preaching.

Displaying the body language of a lively preacher, without the noise. The preacher goes on with his sermon for another ten minutes, during which I remain paralyzed from the neck down. After the ten minutes he dramatically closes whatever book he was reading. The other four figures then stand in sync, all grab me, and begin carrying me towards the stage. They throw me in the tub behind the alter. I am still paralyzed from the neck down, so I begin frantically trying to get my head out of the water. There I sit struggling in the tub for three minutes and twenty five seconds. The entire time they didn’t move whatsoever, but for the last fifteen seconds of my life they began screeching this terrible noise. A noise, even after having woken up from the dream, I have a hard time shaking. It’s as if the noise originated from the back of my eyes, then clawed it’s way out of my head while simultaneously breaking the last of my spirit. Resulting in my full paralysis, leaving my motionless body to submerge into the shallow grave that was the tub.

In the behavioral aspect, I am Cinderella’s glass slipper so to speak: social isolation, disorganized behavior, excitability, aggression, agitation, compulsive behavior, hostility, repetitive movements, and lack of restraint. Cognitively speaking: thought disorder, belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority. In terms of mood: anger, anxiety, apathy (lack of feeling or emotion), feeling detached from self, general discontent, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, elevated mood, or inappropriate emotional response. Speech: circumstantial speech, incoherent speech, rapid and frenzied speaking, or speech disorder. All of these symptoms describe to a “T” exactly what I’ve been enduring the past two and a half years. Not so much unforeseen, because if I would have known the exact symptoms I could have possibly caught on a lot earlier. My trigger was the devastating loss of my childhood home. Then came the loss of my first love, and finally my loss in humanity (including myself). There it turned into an dependence on drugs in order to detach myself from reality. I then came to realize I was losing myself, so I tried to turn to college as my savior. Which, unfortunately proved that the damage was already done. It showed that I had completely disconnected myself with reality, and even though I tried as hard as I could to assimilate back into society it was too late. I tried to blame my drug addiction, and my family for what was happening when in all reality I was just lost in a delusion. I had been trying to figure out what was wrong with me this whole time, convincing myself that it was all of these other problems that had nothing to do with me. Essentially, casting the blame on all of the people that were around me and only trying to help. Realistically, it was a whole life’s worth of stimuli. My delusion was that all of my hardships were because I was meant for a greater purpose, really they were just a catalyst for a de-habilitating mental disease that is hereditary. Something that was probably inevitable with time, but was jumpstarted by a whole bunch of situations that I had no control over. I was a kid! Statistically at a loss from the very beginning. No matter what kind of outlook I had, no matter what choices I would have made to better myself. This genetic Trojan horse called schizophrenia would eventually have found a way to creep in and destroy everything I would’ve potentially done. Be it by becoming a better person through sports, education, family, religion, or whichever activities I would have done to put all of my problems behind me. No matter the scenario, the outcome will always end with schizophrenia! The timing, honestly, could not have been more satirically perfect. I finally had this epiphany detailing what life was about, well actually I was just finally giving into to the thoughts I had been keeping to myself, and beginning to express them on to others. Which was not a epiphany, was not a sudden understanding of life, was not a moment of divination, and was definitely not a turning point; it was a psychosis. I thought that I had figured out how to escape this reality which was just some sort of test to better myself, when I had really taken a long leap toward tragedy. Immediately waking from a dream, that felt like an entire life spent in someone else’s shoes, only to be in the same place the dream started forty-five minutes ago. Still, how do I manage to have such vivid memories of this version of myself‘s life?

Intro: I state majority, if not all traveling circuses/zoos are grossly inadequate in reference to standards which need to be re-evaluated. I mean, at this point is anybody really amused?

Incidents: October 11, 2013. Springfield, MO. A keeper at Dickerson Park Zoo was crushed to death against the floor by a 41 year old, 6,000-pound female Asian elephant named Patience. She used the narrow corridor to her advantage, lunging at the keeper, knocking him down, and trampling him.

August 26, 2013. Williston, FL. Patricia Zerbini’s Two Rails Ranch was home to the terrible incident which resulted in an attendee suffering life threatening injuries. This attendee had to stay in the hospital for two months after sustaining these injuries from an Asian elephant named Rajah. The USDA later fined the ranch for failing to secure a perimeter fence, which would have stopped unauthorized personnel from entering the animal’s habitat. That’s about it though, just another lousy fine.

June 17, 2019/ Dallas, TX. Witten, the one year old giraffe, died from complications while undergoing a routine physical exam.

Feb 20, 2019/ Kansas City, MO. Hamisi sustained an acute spinal cord injury after his head got caught on the enclosure. Resulting in death.

Columbus, Ohio. On December fourth, a giraffe calf died because of complications at birth. Three weeks earlier a similar incident happened in the same facility, Columbus Zoo. Having no background in this kind of stuff, it even caught my attention. Asking, “One is understandable, but two within a three week time period. Bad luck, or negligence on behalf of the captor”?

Citations: When referencing citations in terms of animal circuses/zoos your given twenty different links to click on. To put this into perspective, there were only five or six links on the incidents involving captive animals hurting people or crowds.

Cole Brothers Circus failed to meet the simplest federal standards regarding animal care. The USDA cited them on several occasions for not giving the animals proper veterinary care, elephants were said to have lost weight and also were not given the proper space required to live. They finally took charges out on Cole Brothers Circus when their elephants showed signs of abuse via a sharp metal bull hook. A humane society in New Jersey also filed charges stating cruelty to animals for overloading and overworking an elephant. Also, two elephants described as malnourished and neglected suddenly died within a two week period. There have been seven separate situations where their elephants became violent, killing crowd members, injuring dozens of others, and causing thousands of dollars worth of damage. For Cole Brothers Circus the list goes on and on until somebody finally realized that stopping the process entirely, was way more effective than relentlessly inconveniencing their lives with fines.

Hawthorn Corporation (John Cuneo) somehow acquired 272,500$ in USDA penalties while in business, how? As they say the show must go on, or at least that’s what they told the animals working the show. This guy lost four of his elephants to a human strain of tuberculosis, and in 1997 eighteen elephants used in his show were restricted from traveling due to a tuberculosis treatment they were undergoing. The USDA suspended Cuneo’s license on more then one occasion, and in 2004 ordered him to surrender all of his elephants. They saw the completion of this order in late 2005 seeing to the final elephants release into wildlife sanctuaries. I would further detail the extent of Cuneo’s animal abuse, but the fact that he was obviously an unfit care giver according to the several suspensions given to him by the USDA. Yet, was allowed to continue business as long as his fines were payed up is downright disturbing and this Cuneo’s idiot isn’t entirely to blame. Something has to change in accordance with the laws allowing this inhumane cycle of neglect and abuse to continue once your “fines” are all payed up.

Ringling Bros. Barnum + Bailey have been cited more than 150 times for AWA non compliance regulations since 1990, and have also seen the deaths of thirty five elephants since 1992. Sometime in 2004 they also lost a two year old lion during their trek across the Mojave desert due to an apparent heat stroke. After this, a spat with the USDA resulted in the parent company of Ringling Bros. paying 270,000$, the largest civil penalty ever assessed against an exhibitor under the AWA, settling dozen of non compliance cases. Ringling also decided to make a Center for Elephant Conservation, where they planned on chaining up majority of their elephants. They also intend on breeding elephants at this facility despite all of the government mandated quarantines. Sadly, none of these animals will ever be able to see the wild. Being breed solely for the purpose of showmanship, bravo ladies and gentlemen.

Zoos: Imagine an entire life spent behind bars, dedicated solely to entertaining whichever school decided to book a field trip that day. Conditions vary throughout the zoos of America, in fact the only constant in all of these are the broken spirits carried by every animal seemingly suffering from captivity. Believe it or not, there is such a thing called “zoochosis”. Which is the inevitable loss of sanity due to loneliness, boredom, and maybe even abuse in some cases. This “zoochosis” has become such a problem, it turns out me and the stir crazy zoo tiger are taking the same antidepressants. Seriously, some zoos have resorted to medicating animals in order to curb abnormal behavior. Which is a little ridiculous! Reputable exotic animal sanctuary’s don’t even offer hands on interactions, and really do not put animals on display to the public like that. At the end of the day it just isn’t fair to the animals, no matter how you try to spin it. Petting zoos that travel probably have it the worst though, subjecting the animals to constant travel and public exposure. Rarely giving the animals proper time for rest or much needed exercise, because traveling zoos are often cramped. These animals never get to catch a break, but it doesn’t matter. Seeing them constantly locked in cages or being shuffled around for business purposes, is really starting to become annoying. Almost as annoying as the people who want to own an “exotic animal” as one their pets, not even beginning to understand the complexities behind raising a cougar in a New York basement. Stop and consider the reality of it, these are foreign animals plucked from the wild expected to act like your average run of the mill house cat. No wonder why there has been incidents where a tiger mauls it’s owners grandson, or a lion escapes killing several dogs and trapping a child in his room. With very few government regulations, it is a miracle the streets aren’t over run by the exotic animals famous rappers buy then instantly realize they don’t want to take care of.

Conclusion: Something has to be done! I mean, there is so much to be done. First off, any form of traveling circus involving animals should be disbanded. All the animals effected by this liquidation should be treated with the utmost care until they can be transported back to their habitats or proper facilities. Second off, somebody has to change the laws regarding animal fairness and overall well being when put into situations such as traveling circuses. With the amendment of a three strike rule, stating if the owner so much as gets a fine for noncompliance, it’ll be a strike. Three strikes results in a year suspension of your license as an exhibitor. Eliminating the possibility of another Cuneo’s, thus shining more light on all of the animals that were abused underneath his spotlight. Third off, why do we still support zoos? If animals are becoming depressed after being locked in there for such a long period of time, then what’s the point? Never would I have thought, that society went as far as medicating zoo animals in order to manipulate their happiness. Is this whole zoo experience really worth the day to day torture undergone by these zoo animals who are finding it harder and harder to even put on a fake smile for us?

A roach just crawled across my keyboard on the table in front of me as I began to jot down who I am into my iPhone so that the reader may get to know me. Relevant information, right? Thought so, one who stands for nothing stands for everything. Dealer of BS, also receiver of BS. Grim look on life which makes for interesting poetic viewpoints. Depressed all the time. Lonely, but at this point by choice. Lost faith in my fellow man a long time ago. Women leave much deeper scars, and take with them hearts. Vanish. I have tried, doesn’t really work out like you’d expect whenever you have a purpose. Purpose, writing semi psychotic jumbles of word that will be appreciated when I’m dead. Death, never ending darkness until I find a void to transfer energy back into. Unless, this time I’ve actually accomplished what my destiny has foretold. Love, all the crap I continue to write in the hopes of touching eternity through literary achievement. Sad, for as long as I can remember. Don’t know why. Just always felt like I’d never be whole again. Friends, suck so understand that you have none. Family, suck as well. Never put stock in your family members. They are the only people that have an excuse to screw you over with no remorse. Unforgiving, is love. Falling into, said love, is always the funnest part for me. Being in it. Different story. Trust left this place a long time ago, along with forgiveness. So train wrecks and heart aches, always. Fortunate, to have my peace of mind amidst utter chaos. Chaos called. My life, is balanced madness within a tropical storm that takes many different forms. Excuses, the building blocks to my very existence. Hours, I’ve spent the last 16 on this couch trying to make sense of it all. Rest of my life, what it will take to realize I may never make sense of it all. Apologies, given but not meant. Weak, the people on which my demons prey. Pray, been a long time since I have. Why, have you? Okay then. Faith, in myself. Where else would it be? Inspiration, a creative muse. Pain. Agony. Energy. Desperation. Understanding. Release. Channel. Answers, In the funniest places. People, only use you for what they can. Not capable of higher thought. Self obsessed. Careless. Greedy. Ungrateful. Not worthy. Lost, are all of us who seek purpose. Blessings, take form of something relevant to the situation. Crazy, are the minds that are truly unique. Thought process, this was mine. Clueless, cause I don’t even know who I am..