As you read the title you think why didn’t I say it was the state of mind. But I’m different so my mind state is opposite from the man who stands next to me. Mine is full of dreams and ambitions that I haven’t fulfilled yet. Mountains that I haven’t climbed yet. Peace that I haven’t made yet with the things that have hurt me in the past. Love that I haven’t thought about giving yet. Desires that I have dived into yet. Lust that I haven’t experienced yet. The list is endless. But the mind state of me conflicts with the world so I’m trapped wings of the mind clipped and cut short hindering me to fly . Like that pitbull chained to the pole in the back yard I’m on a short leash you can only hear my bark if you are near by. as I go through this world people only see my good works if they are close by. But once I break free I’m attacking with a vengeance. Like a woman on the first day of her cycle. Heavy flowing hard, to stop I won’t be contained.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"You new here?"

"I just moved out here from England."

"Moved away from all the tea?"

"Yup. Came to see fat people."

"Dude. America is not fat."

"And I don't like tea."

"Whatever."

"Bye asshole."

"Fuck off."

kissing.

making out. 

sex.

it’s what is expected in a relationship. 

but what if i don’t want that?

what if i’m ok with 

just being around you,

with you?

i know that that’s how

some people show love,

but can't i just

love you in my own way?

but you wouldn’t be happy with that,

would you?

you want something that i don’t want.

you want something that i cannot give you. 

a freak.

not normal.

unloveable.

you think that’s what am i, don’t you?

i agree;

i am all of that.

and i couldn’t hate myself  

more for that.

i don’t want to be like this.

i want to give you want you want,

i want to love you the way you want me to,

but i can’t.

i’m sorry.