I opened a tin of magnolia paint, only to discover an ignited burst of striking orange; a flame-throwing hit of heat.

That, I was not expecting.

I gently danced my paintbrush across the stricken wall, as the room lit-up and my heart began to glow. Life flooded into being.

A strike of magnificence.

I looked around the rest of the room, and considered how it would look to paint every wall in orange. Imagination ran wild.

The elation of free will.

Swirling scents of sensual symphony, a tempting tactile tryst. Twisting time in a sepia century; the electric paint, I kissed.

It’s so damn hard

when you try to understand his emotions

but can’t comprehend one single thing

Sometimes it feels like he’s on top of the world

And some days, it’s like I don’t even matter

I want to feel that he cares

cares enough that he could put

all negative thoughts aside

Just when I need him the most.

How I wish miracles could happen

right at this moment

To bring back our carefree lives.

I have abandoned all hope of happiness

Surgically removed by your razor tongue

Leaving me hollow and empty

Void of sunshine

Drenched in the coldness of gray

Wrapping me in solitude

So tightly, I can't move

Legs give way

Under the worlds weight

Pulling me further into its depths

Unable to escape

I think one of my biggest fear is waking up one day and realizing that things are not the same anymore. To wake up and find that the person who was once madly in love with you, realizes you're not the one for him. That he deserved better, someone who's not broken and without complications at all. Someone whose trust can be easily given and earned. Someone more beautiful, smart, funny, and all those other traits he loves. I fear that i'm not good enough, and not worth keeping. And that one day, he'll leave. I think, when that day comes, it will be the end of me.

You know, I don't think we ever were in love.

There was never a spark between our lips when we kissed

Or a fire between our skin when we touched

My tongue never craved the taste of you and my nose never longed for your violent scent

Our hands never did fit together and my fingers did nothing but graze your surface

My mind never wondered what was beneath your clothes and my eyes never wished to look at you

I remember when we planted flowers together

You wanted to give them water

But I wished to feed them sunshine

We never did agree on what to give them

And thinking we each knew best, carried out our own plans

You watered the flowers and I gave them the sun

But I guess good intentions always have their counterparts

Because they drowned in the water that you poured on them

And I scorched the petals with sunshine

I guess none of that mattered though

Because the entire time they were dying of malnutrition-

We had planted them in infertile soil

Our love was never a coursing river.

Instead it was choppy and frothy like whitewater rapids

We were thrown from our tacky yellow raft and smashed our heads against the rocks

At least we added some color to the foam

With you the sun never did shine as bright as before

And the water never did look quite as clear

At least I could say I had someone of my own

But I never would have shed a single tear

No, I don't think we ever were in love

It wasn't just hard. It was awful, heart-breaking, gut wrenching.

It was life.

She tried. Oh, she fucking tried to be different.

To be somehow they could be proud of.

Kind, good-natured. She accepted them just as they are.

She didn't complain, didn't even make a sound.

She gave them gifts, gave them money.

Even tried to mingle with them even when she doesn't want to.

Little did she know, she was getting too attached.

And hell, did she lose her mind.

How could they, she asked.

They never changed. It was all the same.

She still lost. Ended up crying, with only him to turn to.

Her emotions were on turmoil.

She was broken.

Even if she tried, there was in no way she'd win.

That was life. It was just never fair.

She doubt if it ever will.

I feel, I feel

The blood in my veins.

It's slow and cold

But it's moving.

My eyes want to close.

My heart wants to stop.

I have to keep going.

They took things,

From my body.

I feel like I needed them.

There are scars along my cheeks

From an obscure part of me

They removed.

Why? Nothing changed.

Day in, day out, I hurt.

In a weird way. Not bold.

Subtle. So subtle, people just

Brush it off. But I hurt.

I hurt. I hurt.

I am a human experiment.

Sleep is all I do. Sleep is all I have.

I am nothing but a toy for science,

To stare at and throw away. Throw away? What'd I do?

I deserve attention too. Fix me!

I'm worth just as much as others.

I don't need a death sentence

To catch your eye. I'm human.

Cure me! Care a bit! Don't turn away, I know you hear me!

I've never met another like me,

I feel alone. A little scared.

Few are on my side, and that's enough

To get me by. But what of all the others?

The ones like me

With no one to help them? What of them?

I feel, I feel

The blood in my veins.

Warming up, warming up,

Moving faster.

I'll use this short lived energy

And care about you.

Maybe then, they'll care about me.

So what part of me makes me a prophet

One who can foresee every kiss I will receive

Or when the world, my world, in flames will burst

The only lie I can predict is this life of mine

So what part of me makes me a tarot reader

One able to read between the lines of papers

Representing millions of lives on this planet

One who can only read in books what love truly is

So what part of me makes me a medium

Able to chat with spritis from the past

One who can speak the tongues of death and life

Both at the same time

Both making me live and die

Tell me what part of me truly belongs to me

When no cards or crystal balls can tell me the truth

The only truth I seek is you

And you seem to be aware of that

However, you prefer to be another shadow in this life of mine

My third eye is closed now.

DA 2015