the thunder in the distance

pounds on the windowpane as

i lay in bed

alone

lightning flashes

illuminating the room for a split second

but only a second

a second

chance was all i needed

rewind rewind rewind now wait

hit the play button

harsh words bubbling from

a throat filled with hurt

pause on my face

looking at your face

play in slow motion

then rewind and watch again

slower

watch your eyes fill with hatred

watch my eyebrows furrow with fury

watch your mouth, girl

don't talk to me like that

unless you wanna get

smacked

pause again

when the words finally

hit your face

and you turn away before you gave me

a second to explain

i didn't mean that

gimme a second

a second

thunder clap

pounding on the windows

shattering my glassy eyes

you knew i didn't mean it

but you walked away anyway

I have abandoned all hope of happiness

Surgically removed by your razor tongue

Leaving me hollow and empty

Void of sunshine

Drenched in the coldness of gray

Wrapping me in solitude

So tightly, I can't move

Legs give way

Under the worlds weight

Pulling me further into its depths

Unable to escape

I couldn't tell you

How many times I've

Lain on the floor

In a silent state

Fighting off the numbness

Glassy eyes and

Empty breaths

Are no way

To go about life but if

Fake smiles and

False laughs get you through

The day then who am I to stop you?

Colors aren't want they used to be

And flavors aren't anywhere near their former glory

Heat isn't as welcoming anymore and

Breathing isn't keeping me alive

It starts with a heaviness,

dragging the lungs into breathlessness,

filling the weighted chest into restlessness,

rising that tightness into the throat,

building a mote of emotions,

between feeling them

and communication,

a forced articulation

springing from

unwilling eyes,

and reinforced

by the sinuses,

infecting

the mind

and body

like viruses,

with

specific purposes-

of reducing will,

producing chills,

with a hard lack

of enthusiasm,

for anything,

because it's all

nothing;

like in the beginning,

when everything was nothing,

and there was no huffing,

no sobs of aching,

of the devastating

impact life has on us,

thrust from nothing

into the something

we become,

one

moment

at a time,

especially,

when we cry.

- M.E.

Gut hollowed out and vacant of butterflies

Eyeballs in sandy sockets salt water doesn’t shift

Acrid bed sheets depict a rumpled geography

of a thousand sleepless and solitary miles regretted.

Constant beeps and pings, the public concerns of

Virtual friends. Notification upon notification of prying.

Gods could not shift this weight. A clock, perhaps.

Time takes its time. Doors are closed and walls rebuilding.

He is suffocating, choked by his own noose. All the while, everyone else just watches him as he is executed. No one tries to stop it. No one tries to help him. He struggles to break free from the rope that strangles him, but it is useless. He writhes and flails. Panic scatters through every nerve of his body as the oxygen in his lungs is running out. Eventually, he succumbs to void and becomes lifeless.

I remember the first day I moved in the neighborhood,

She showed up on my doorstep with homemade apple pie.

And when my brother was lonely and hadn't made any friends yet,

She invited him over to play basketball with her sons.

When I went out on walks and bumped into her,

She'd not only greet me warmly,

But stroll alongside me.

Hours passed in conversation about school, movies, families, and books.

We'd watch them play basketball.

My brother and her sons.

We'd laugh and talk about life.

About vacations, the holidays, and dreams for the future.

But hers wasn't to be.

Six months after I first met her,

She collapsed from a seizure.

"You have a massive brain tumor,"the doctor said.

"You're going to need surgery."

And on the operating table she went.

When she came back, everything seemed fine.

She talked, ate, laughed, and moved normally.

But the sparkle in her clear emerald eyes had vanished.

Three months later,

She suffered a stroke.

"I'm sorry, but the operation failed,"said the doctor.

"You have a month to a year. I advise you to get your affairs in order."

She arrived home,

Ashen faced, shaking.

Her children and husband hugged her tightly.

We all offered our sympathies.

Her house was jam packed and raucous every night for the next few weeks.

Friends and relatives from all over the globe poured in.

Seeking time with someone who had so little left.

But eventually her health couldn't take it.

Those last months were a haze.

Her health deteriorated rapidly.

I remember seeing her nurse help her painstakingly walk down the driveway

I paused in front of them and said, "Hi!"

She didn't recognize me.

July 2, 2015.

The night was rent apart with the shrill screams of ambulances.

2 am.

My family and I were startled wide awake.

"Please, please, please be all right!"

"Thank god; she's alive!"

But she wasn't that lucky.

9 am, when her children were at school,

She passed on.

Way before her time.

The funeral was like a stab to the heart.

Her sons and daughters stared blankly at the coffin, dressed in black,

While their father quietly acknowledged our condolences

With tears silently running down his face.

Shock when the next few days

Dawned sunny with not a speck of cloud in the sky.

When life went back to normal.

And I had to go to school.

Why couldn't the world mourn with us?

Hundreds of people know her,

One of the best people you could meet.

But a century later,

No one will remember.

History is cruel that way.

She was one of the pillars of our community.

She was one of the best mothers in the world.

She was a helpful, welcoming neighbor.

She was kind, compassionate, empathetic, and a phenomenal cook.

But she's gone now.

And I will never be the same.

Mother, daughter, wife, neighbor, friend

May she rest in peace.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some of the dates and events I have changed slightly to keep her anonymous, but most of it is a true story.

If I have offended you in any way, I sincerely apologize.

It's stopped still, dead in your track. It's going through the days with one look on your face. It's going through the moments, not living them, not feeling them, just moving through them. It's being cut of from everyone around you, knowing your cut off and still not even trying to find away back.

She wanted to meet

at the restaurant

we went to

on our first

date.

I knew what it was,

of course.

After 3 years together

she had packed

all of her

things

and went to her

mother's

two days ago

and hadn't spoke

to me since.

Well,

besides today,

that is.

It was a guy

from her job

at the bank.

He had "ambition"

she kept telling

me.

I sat on the edge

of the bed

and stared at the

bright red

numbers

on the clock.

4:42

I had to be there

at 5:30.

I smoked a bowl,

put on my

jacket

and headed out

the door.

It was a brisk

fall

evening.

Sun still up for

the moment.

I was on foot;

the car broke down

and I was out of

steady work.

It didn't matter

though.

It wasn't far and

the cool air

was invigorating.

October was great

in the country.

My favorite

month.

All the trees

were painted

with exquisite shades

of different

colors

and the air felt

refreshing and

clean.

I lit a cigarette

as I made my way

around the first

bend.

I watched as

the smoke

whirled

wildly

in the wind

as black birds

scattered in

masses

from the waving

tree tops.

I snapped out of it

as I passed the

park

entering

town square.

The children were

laughing

and running.

They had no

idea of the

shit-storm

they were

entering.

It's all a joke.

I soon came upon

the front of

the restaurant.

My life was about

to change

dramatically.

The birds

would continue

to fly,

the leaves

would continue

to change,

the mail

would continue

to run,

and the cats

would continue

to kill the

mice.

The sun was setting;

showing off brilliant

shades of orange

and pink

as I put out my

cigarette.

I stared at those

glowing colors

for a moment

out there

on that

silent horizon,

sighed,

and reached

for the

door.

emptiness will embody you until there is nothing left except a thick carcass that was once you.

fog will grow until you can no longer see past those demons that have been taunting you and teasing you and telling you that you aren't worth a damn thing.

loneliness will come a long and it will taunt you through the phone in your hand. Loneliness comes in shapes such as the girl you like and the boy that you thought was your friend. They will post pictures and videos of them having fun without you, just like everyone else.

when all of this begins to happen to you, you know you are already too far gone to be saved by yourself.