My eyes finally make out the 3:34 AM on the clock as my mind races once more. I sigh pulling off the paper and write, "doctors appointment"

I lay down frustrated that my brain woke me up to write something that I already made reminders for on my phone.

------------

I opened my eyes to the same but brighter room to see my boyfriend slipping shoes on. Coming over he brushed my hair back, laughing at the bedside table covered in colorful thoughts.

"I guess I need to get you more sticky notes," he says.

"Yea, whatever," I say laughing.

I breathe in deeply as the flashback plays in front of my eyes.

A girl with short brown hair and big beautiful brown eyes that reminds me of a puppy laughs in the passenger seat of my car. I hit the breaks softly and put the car into park as I watch her gather her things. She turns to me and it seems I need sunglasses to look at the bright bubbly person in front of me smiling.

"Kiss her"

My face flared red as my brain thought of this as I turned away from her and she laughed again stepping out of the car. The flashback fades as well as the warm glow I would associate with happiness.

Now I exhale as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Warm tears trickle down my face as I replay the flashback.

I should've kissed you when I had the chance.

I can't sleep because of you. Not that it's a necessarily bad thing, I'm just afraid.

You leave in a week from today and I cannot comprehend how I will move on, but I have to. Have to sleep alone again, to be alone again...

So let me stay awake a bit longer, let me hold onto you tight because I am afraid that when I wake up you will not be there anymore.

So let me stay awake.

because I cannot sleep without you...

How have you been, without me?

I've seen you in the halls. You look happy. I knew you never needed me, I knew you could go on without damage.

Even though I struggled to move on after what you did, I'm still glad that you are content. I hope he treats you better, I hope you give him a chance. One you never gave to me because of who I was. I hope you grow up and realize your mistakes.

Why'd it have to be you? I'm confused about the universe's plan for me...

Were you meant to leave? Or did I mess up and the universe decided it wanted a comedy for movie night?

I guess its kind of ironic, you came in at a bad time a brightened up my life. Now you're leaving at a good time.

What I'm most scared about is how it will be after you leave. Will I cry? Will I start falling again? Or will I try and keep this temporary happiness? How well will that work out?

I wish you wouldn't leave, ill miss you.

4:30 PM

The train ride is an hour ride from my house to my office, its not so bad. I can read or people watch but mostly I get lost in my own head. Every little thing reminds me of her. From the soft songs filling my ears to the simple color of yellow. Its been almost three years since she died I mean. I don’t do much, I don’t have a ton of friends and no family. My life is pretty depressing.

5:35 PM

Getting off the train I start the fifteen-minute walk to my house. Its quiet, peaceful, rainy. The way I like it.

After a while I began to hear chirps, I thought nothing of it at first but then I got curious as to what the noise was and made my way down the ravine.

A tiny white bird was lying there wet and distraught. I took my jacket off and approached. I stooped down and gently picked the fragile thing up, continuing my walk. The dove reminded me of something but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

6:00 PM

When I got home I dug up an old shoebox, cut holes in it and put the dove inside, leaving the box under a heating lamp I used to use for my lizards. I stepped back admiring my handy work.

“There,” I said and preceded to get ready for bed.

4:00 AM

I sat up breathing heavily, I heard thunder which didn’t help my post-nightmare. I leaned over for my phone and tapped the first contact.

“Hello?” I heard.

“Hey, I’m sorry I’m calling so late its just-” I whispered.

“Did you have another nightmare?” he asked and I sighed saying a small “Yes”

“I’m on the way,” he said before I could object.

I waited a while but finally, I heard a knock at my door. I got up and opened it to see my sympathetic best friend holding two cups of coffee. I smiled and let him in.

5:00 AM

“So you wanna tell me what it was about?” he said

“It was just the same dream, the car accident, etc,” I said back.

“ Evan… you got to heal, you need to move on this is... This is messing you up.” He said making me angry.

“Don't you think I've tried?” I yelled with tears pooling up.

“I know you've tried but you always reverted back, come live with me, you can go back to college and-”

“I can't just forget her Charlie, shes everywhere. When I wake up when I'm walking or on the train, shes spelled out in the pages of the damn books! I can't do this anymore!”

“Yes you can, I'm going to help you,” he said and before I could say anything else there was loud chirping.

“What is that?” Charlie asked. I sniffed and wiped my tears as I got up and walked to the faded shoe box.

“Hey, you're awake,” I said to the bird as I gently opened the box to take a peak. I looked outside to notice it wasn't raining anymore and the sun was coming up.

“Come on we are gonna go let this little guy go,” I said grabbing my coat.

6:40 AM

Standing on top of the hill I opened the box and gently picked the bird up with two hands.

“Okay,” I said looking at him.

“Okay what?” he asked

“I wanna move on, I wanna let go. Not forget... but let go of the pain.” I said and he smiled. We both looked down at the tiny bird and I realized how much it reminded me of her. I smiled more and opened my hands letting the graceful being slip out and fly away with a final chirp as a goodbye, and thank you.

I turned back around and pulled Evan into a hug whispering a small thankyou back. Its time to let go.

And behind them, as they embraced, a small white dove feather falls slowly on the ground reminding them that love is everywhere. It may not be an easy process but there is always a way to heal.

I only have a little time, such a little time for me to hold on to. The time I have suffocates me yet I continue to hold on with a deathly grip. You can't leave yet. I'm not ready.

You are the first to love me truly, the first to take care of me, and the first person I could hold onto.

But like all good things, I have to let go soon. I've come to the terms that you won't be here when I open my eyes again, that I won't have your love, your touch, your humor.

Buts its for the best, right? I need to let go, let you heal. Let me heal. And maybe we will meet again someday soon.

-I hope I don't offend anyone. This story is written about my friend who struggles with OCD. Remember everyone's experience is different-

"Don't say it," I said holding my hand up.

"You're a control freak." she snickered.

What does that phrase even mean? A control freak? I'm sorry I'm a responsible thinker.

"I just want everything to be perfect," I said back to my sister who gave me a sad smile.

"No you want to control everything," she said back.

"I can't help it," I said angrily.

"I know... Okay, I'll see you later, just don't stress about it okay? Everything will be fine." She said then grabbed her keys leaving our room.

You see I'm a twin, Sarah my sister is the more free side of us while I struggle with OCD. Yes, obsessive-compulsive disorder or in Sarah's mind a "Control freak."

The way I see it, things are more complicated than just being in control. So many things could go wrong with our trip to the beach today. For example, if we don't arrive at precisely three this afternoon then a number of things could happen, the places around the beach would close early or it'll get dark quicker and there will be creeps that can kill or rape us.

Sometimes things have to be "in control" to avoid scarier outcomes.

I'm used to being teased by Sarah, I mean every day she laughs at how the microwave has to be stopped at three seconds until zero, but what she doesn't get is that if the noise startles the dog, then the dog could bark and wake neighbors and then the neighbors would plot something terrible like to kill us or set our house on fire and it would quickly go to crap.

I sighed and put my head in my hands counting to ten.

Maybe I am a control freak, who knows.

The ocean is supposed to be loud. I can feel the breeze on my face and in my hair, I can feel the sand between my toes, and I can see the beautiful sun leaving to get ready for the next day.

But I cannot hear. I am deaf.

A hand waves in front of my face catching my attention, I looked up to make eye contact with him. My eyes shifted as I watched his hands move.

“Are you okay?” he signed

I smiled and nodded, “Let’s go.” I signed back and grabbed his hand.

We ran as the silent laughs wrapped around me, tripping and stumbling down a sand dune until we made it to our spot. A small patch of grass overlooking the beach.

I tackled him to the ground as I watched him laugh, his laughter addicting to my broken ears.

I rolled off of him and onto the ground. His hand found mine.

I watched the waves roll in and out trying to think back and remember what they sound like. I remember them being loud but comforting. I put it out of my mind because it didn’t matter at the moment. I turned to see him staring already. I smiled and laughed once again.

My smile faded slowly, if there was one thing I could wish for... it would be to hear his laugh right now.

I grabbed his hands to get his attention and then slowly brought them up to say something.

“Do you ever wish I could hear?” I signed. His eyes widened as he furiously shook his head. I was close enough to be able to read his lips.

“To me you’re perfect,” he said smiling but it didn’t reassure me.

“What about speak?” I signed knowing he knew I didn’t really like to speak. He got closer.

“You are perfect to me,” he said again, putting his hand on my heart. I smiled and nodded as he pulled me into a hug.

I tried to imagine his breathing and the sound of the waves once more but decided not to, that maybe silence is more defining. Silence means that everything else means more; touch, smell, sight. What I have is enough, I am lucky, and I am loved.

I looked back up.

“I love you,” I said, or at least I think I said it. He understood no matter and smiled mouthing, “I love you too” back.

I'll admit I was scared. The storm was raging on all around me and I was unable to tell if it was real or just me, but I knew you were there.

A colorful butterfly drifted in front of me. Almost in slow motion. I could no longer focus on the raging tornado I was stuck in. Only on your bright pigment.

I focused on your colors and squeezed my eyes closed as I could hear the storm disperse. I smiled and reached out to you,

but when I looked again, you were gone too.